Contact with bf

[thekarmabus]

Hi,

I would like some opinions, I don't know if I'm being too needy or demanding too much.

I have been with my bf for over a year and the contact has turned into me texting him and calling him most of the time and he never sends the first text. If I text he answers and if I call he answers, however yesterday I said to him to call me if he was thinking of me and I was sick of always making the first contact. This was at 9.30 in the morning yesterday and I haven't heard from him since. Do I take this as a loud and clear sign he's not interested and dump? Or am I being overly sensitive? I can't decide.

Also he never sends a morning or night text which I find disappointing but I've got used to it. The other bad points are that he is never that interested in my life, when I tell him stories or what is happening he doesn't really comment or ask about it again. However the good points are we have a lot of fun when we are together and share some common interests. However the lack of contact does get me down and seems disrespectful, I mean I told him to contact me if he were thinking of me and it's been over 24 hours and nothing. Or is that being needy? What do you wise people think?

The specifics of how often people should text is irrelevant. He's just not making you feel significant or special. That's usually a red line for most people in relationships. I don't think this will improve, OP. It's probably time to cut your losses.

You’re not being needy @thekarmabus, after one a year being together I would expect him to take more interest in you to be honest. I’d also be disappointed if I were you x

Yes I am disappointed to be honest. I'm just checking this thread and replying to stop myself contacting him. However I am defiantly not going to contact him. Staying strong.

Did he do anything special for Valentine's Day? Does he generally make the effort with dates, etc?

Just reading your post makes me feel anxious, you sound really demanding or insecure
Maybe your boyfriend just wants to be in a happy relaxed relationship not one where he’s expected to text you at least twice a day etc
My husband has never liked using the phone or texting it’s just not him. Not because he doesn’t care but he’d rather talk or see people face to face
It sounds as if you both have different expectations from your relationship and you want him to be someone he isn’t
Maybe you need to look at yourself to see if you are trying to find your own happiness through having a boyfriend when you should be looking to be happy in your own skin

This:

Of course he knows what he is doing - you have told him repeatedly - he is actively choosing minute by minute to cause you distress and unhappiness. That is a v big thing - know that.

Yes we went out for Valentine's Day, and when we are together it's generally fun. It's just his level of contact has dropped so significantly and now feels like he is doing it deliberately as he knows I don't like it. He basically never texts me first now. It's just quite lonely being in a relationship where you only see them at weekends and then they don't contact you much through the week and it's getting less and less.

See a couple of people are saying I am being demanding and insecure, maybe I am? That's what I can't decide, is it me? Or him? Maybe I am being insecure and maybe he is deliberately not contacting me? Argh which is it? It's doing my head in. If it's me yes I can work on myself, but if it's him I should dump? I'm just so confused.

I wouldn't say you were needy or insecure, just not independent or secure enough to have this low level of communication in a relationship.

That's not a criticism by the way, different people have different levels of need and their partner has to match this or it leads to disappointment.

Good to know he takes you out and you have fun.

You're not needy at all re contact, it's just common courtesy, particularly as you've told him how you feel.

If I were you I'd continue with the radio silence from your end and give him time to miss you. He'll be in touch.

Keep busy (and sit on your hands)!

Don't text him at all, see how he likes it. If he rings don't answer. The only way he is going to understand is if he gets the same treatment. Be prepared to wait a few days, keep yourself busy, maybe arrange to go out with friends?

He was off work all day yesterday - you asked him to text you first - he knows that this is v v important to you - he actively, deliberately chose not to - he did this to hurt you. It was not a big ask. You couldn’t have asked for less actually.

Listen to your gut - treat yourself kindly.

Yes I will keep checking this thread and sit on my hands, can't wait to get back to work now to keep myself occupied. Yes I have arrange to meet friends now. So that's good. Do you think I should miss his call then when he eventually calls? I'm kind of thinking in my head if he doesn't contact me at all today should I just finish it? This all just feels a bit ridiculous. I jus can't help but feel that he know I like lots of contact and he's deliberately not contact me. Also he is the kind of person whose phone is surgically attached to their hand so it's not like he's not on the phone anyway!

Thanks you @Gutterton you've hit the nail in the head for me.

I think people are only needy when their needs aren't being met.
If your needs were being met by him you wouldn't feel needy.
It's not wrong to have needs, we all have them, you just need to be with a man who can meet them.

Yes @wheelywheelynice hats true as well. I don't think it's being needy to say, well I've noticed I'm doing all the work contacting you in his relationship and so you can actually contact me now and then they don't bother! That's actually quite rude to be honest.

It's not needy, he isn't initiating contact, and even when presented with how it's making you feel is choosing to ignore what you ask. It is rude and uncaring. No idea why he's doing it....maybe he's one of these who wants everything on his terms only.

Yes I know because when he had the opportunity to permanently split over it, he chose to get back together so it's quite confusing why he's doing this again? Maybe as a control thing? Maybe as a you won't tell me how to act thing? I'm not sure.

You’re not being “needy” in a bad way. You are human - you have needs - that’s perfectly fine and normal. Or rather, not “needs” as such, but things you want from a relationship to make it worth your while having one.

I do think men drop off the amount of texting as relationships go on - my boyfriend is a shit texter to be honest, which has sometimes annoyed me, but not enough to break up with him (and actually now we live together it’s less of an interest).
But. As my life coach once told me - tell him what you want from him - if he is a good man he will at least meet you half way.

Yes, just not sure if I should Perdue this relationship or not. We can't live together as we both have kids so that's why regular contact is more important so there is a daily connection. If we lived together I'd be happy with zero texts as we'd be seeing each other at nights anyway.

My reading is you contacted him first (after ending it with him) so it was easy to him to pick back up and requires no effort.

Some great advice I got from the dating thread was when contact dwindles like this, delete all your chat and his number. Stop yourself from being able to contact him.

If my bf said he needed me to make one small change to stop him from being anxious then I'd do it. Because I don't want him to feel anxious. Yours has ignored you. And not just the once.

It's not just the texts is it, he pays no interest in your life and what you've got to say. Sounds like he's losing interest. I wouldn't bother to persue it.

Hi, yes your reading is correct after last time I did intimate contact after a couple of days. I was aware at the time this was handing him the power in a way. However this time there is no way I will be contacting him. I even don't want to contact him first to finish it, because what if he talk me around and then basically I've been the first to initiate contact AGAIN! I won't contact first but what should I do when he does contact me? Should I answer? And after how Many days of no contact should I just cut me losses and finish it? That's what I'm wondering now? I've gone into overthinking overdrive now.

This thread is really helping me stay sane though, thanks everyone.

so it's quite confusing why he's doing this again? Maybe as a control thing? Maybe as a you won't tell me how to act thing? I'm not sure.

All of the possible reasons though are negative though aren’t they? Does it matter
if it’s control or don’t tell me how to act - both are active choices to hurt you which he does repeatedly.

And the confusion is your mind/heart/body alerting your head that this is wrong. Don’t try to JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) his actions or your feelings - this just fills the impact and keeps you stuck.

Of course he can be great fun on a date night so that he can guarantee a shag in an hour or two - but you are not on his mind and he is actively keeping you at a distance and choosing to hurt you when you are explicit that a single text is all you want.