Contact with bf

[thekarmabus]

Hi,

I would like some opinions, I don't know if I'm being too needy or demanding too much.

I have been with my bf for over a year and the contact has turned into me texting him and calling him most of the time and he never sends the first text. If I text he answers and if I call he answers, however yesterday I said to him to call me if he was thinking of me and I was sick of always making the first contact. This was at 9.30 in the morning yesterday and I haven't heard from him since. Do I take this as a loud and clear sign he's not interested and dump? Or am I being overly sensitive? I can't decide.

Also he never sends a morning or night text which I find disappointing but I've got used to it. The other bad points are that he is never that interested in my life, when I tell him stories or what is happening he doesn't really comment or ask about it again. However the good points are we have a lot of fun when we are together and share some common interests. However the lack of contact does get me down and seems disrespectful, I mean I told him to contact me if he were thinking of me and it's been over 24 hours and nothing. Or is that being needy? What do you wise people think?

Ooo I like that post @poopbear I know it's like, having needs of your partner is a terrible thing now, everyone must be totally independent and not need anyone else. But then why be in a relationship at all then? I actually like to think someone is thinking about me, of course my bf at the moment is going out of his way to show me how much he doesn't care! Yes @FizzyGreenWater totally indifference would be the best way forward. Of course I will care deep down but if I could pull off that I don't that would be fantastic. So you think just don't text or reply ever?? Could be a good plan... what about the stuff of his that is at mine though? There isn't much but I guess it's up to him to get it isn't it? I'm actually pretty friendly with his family and what shall I do if one of them text me? And should I delete him from my fb now? So many questions.

Also he never sends a morning or night text which I find disappointing but I've got used to it.

Is this really a thing?

You actually expect a good morning and a good night text every single day?

That's a bit needy

I'd say the biggest problems are him showing no interest in your life. But again maybe he doesn't get a chance to ask as you text him constantly

Just leave him alone

See what he does.

No I'd actually like at least a good night text and yes every day I would actually like that. But he hasn't done that for months and months. I mentioned that I liked it once and he didn't do it so I didn't mention it again. I am leaving him alone now don't worry.

Yes no interest really. Doesn't ask what is going on and what happened with such and such situation etc.

Ok but really think...do you text him alot and to the text you've told him everything about your day et al without giving him a chance to ask?

I've looked at our recent messages, j text him between twice and five times a day. But only if I get a reply do I then send a second text. So if he didn't reply I don't keep texting. It's usually a morning one or lunchtime one and then a night time one. Maybe send a pic of something funny. Literally I'd never contact anyone first again now! It used to be evenly split our texts but he onyl replies now never initiates I guess because he doesn't need to, he knows I will. God how embarrassing!

THe text would just be something like, morning sexy, hope you're having a great day, it wouldn't contain anything about my day.

How often do you see each other?

I don't agree with other posters that if that's what you need it is ok. It isn't

I get up at 5:30am, leave at 6:30am. We are not allowed mobile phones at work at the moment.

If someone put pressure on me to text daily good morning I would telling them very strongly where to go.

I may even send a good morning message if I didnt feel I had to

We see each other weekends. Yeh well I guess I like daily contact and maybe he doesn't here is the problem. We are not fitting together relationship wise. Don't most people in a relationship contact each other daily? Every other relationship I've had it's been daily.

Yes almost always daily

But it is the expectation you have.

You want a good morning text ...no room for spontaneity

Yes but I have literally only mentioned that I like this once, he didn't do it so I never mentioned it again. Then when we split a couple of weeks ago it was because he didn't come over to see me and didn't call ether. Just acted as if he didn't care. Which I don't think he does. I see what you are saying no room for spontaneity however I want to be able to rely on my bf to contact me. If he's going to be hot and cold I don't like that. It's unsettling. I like routine and reliability.

My DP and I don't live together and we agree to text or call each other when we feel like it, and never as a kind of obligation. I don't initiate as much as he does - maybe he is more 'needy' maybe I am more 'detached' but we want each other to be authentic. Recently he has been making contact less frequently. I believe this is because he has a lot of work on and I dont' get paranoid about it. If i feel like talking to him I will and do. We always answer each others texts.

He is allowed his “needs” though isn’t he - I assume that he “needs” a shag at least once a week? Is that “needy”. It’s a stupid word - what about basic “standards”, “expectations”, “understanding” like you would have in any RS with a colleague, friend, neighbour - basic stuff like being on time, being polite, kind, respectful - he isn’t even giving you that.

Be dignified, detached and indifferent.
Send him a text, post him his keys. Drop his stuff with someone mutual. Block and delete to stop you going back. Then feel proud of yourself.

If there's one thing I've learnt in all my years is never let anyone make you feel bad.
If you want daily contact because you don't see each other and he doesn't give you that then walk away.
He can't be arsed and it's upsetting and stressing you out.
No one should make you feel like that.

You should feel comfortable, loved and secure everyday.
If you don't, then bin him unless he's got a bloody good reason for being a bit crap xx

OP, yes, I've found that in most relationships I've had they've contacted me every day. Actually, I can't think of one in which they haven't. If you hadn't posted that you had already broken up with him over this, (and I assume that he knew that was the reason? You hadn't had another, unrelated, disagreement?) I would've said to just pull back contact to allow him to initiate. But it sounds like that ship has sailed.

My DP and I don't live together and we agree to text or call each other when we feel like it, and never as a kind of obligation.

Key word agree - they could agree to text 40 times a day or never - up to them as a couple.

OP has stated a specific need - he hasn’t met her half way but deliberately ignored / snubbed and hurt her for something he could have done on his day off an simple 2 second text.

Yeh Well one thing is for sure I will never initiate contact again. I will be very wary of doing that again. I will reply to call or texts with a bf but I won't fall into the trap of being the one initiating contact again. Which is a shame really.

I always think that FizzyGreenWater gives sound advice. Best of luck @thekarmabus

Seems to be a fair few posters who are falling in with their partners level of communication at the expense of what they want. Sod that. One might not be a great communicator, one might want more communication...why does that mean one has to go days without talking to the other. Why cant one do a little more and the other expect a little less and both meet in the middle. Isn't that what relationships are about, rather than one compromising and settling for what the other wants. Na fuck that.
If I was with a bloke who couldn't be arsed to spend 1 minute of his morning saying hi sweetheart have a great day. Or another in the evening saying, hope your day was good sleep well , he isn't the sort of bloke I would want to be with.
FWIW I dont think hes playing games with you, in all honesty you've done that by setting him a test he didnt know he was taking. It's quite simple...you've told him how you feel and asked him to contact you if he is thinking about you or wants to talk to you. He hasnt, you dont need any further explanation. This clearly isn't making you feel happy or secure (which we all deserve) so either go along with it and waste your precious time waiting for him to try harder or decide this isn't working for you and live a life that makes you happy.

Oh and btw I'm fiercely independent and love my own space, theres a big difference between wanting someone I'm in a relationship with to let me know they are thinking of me ocassionally and being needy.

If he texts to end it send him a ‘thumbs up’👍

No need for anything else.

Great advice.
No need to bother ending it.
Total silence.
Let him contact you for his keys or forget about them.

He's a waster.

After a year you should be top of his list.
He should want to be regularly in contact because ye are buddies.

You sound lovely OP.
You are a learner not a loser.
Wishing you well

@thekarmabus hope you're doing okay OP x

Hi, thanks for the messages. Well he did call last night I only spoke to him for a couple of minutes and then I made excuses and got off the phone. I asked him why he hadn't called, answer he was busy and thought we had spoken. Bullshit basically. I didn't retrun the call and haven't spoken today. I will never call or text him again! What I should do is just finish it officially but I kind of want him to suffer a little too so I'm just stopping contact and see how he likes it. I guess that is pretty immature.