Contact with bf

[thekarmabus]

Hi,

I would like some opinions, I don't know if I'm being too needy or demanding too much.

I have been with my bf for over a year and the contact has turned into me texting him and calling him most of the time and he never sends the first text. If I text he answers and if I call he answers, however yesterday I said to him to call me if he was thinking of me and I was sick of always making the first contact. This was at 9.30 in the morning yesterday and I haven't heard from him since. Do I take this as a loud and clear sign he's not interested and dump? Or am I being overly sensitive? I can't decide.

Also he never sends a morning or night text which I find disappointing but I've got used to it. The other bad points are that he is never that interested in my life, when I tell him stories or what is happening he doesn't really comment or ask about it again. However the good points are we have a lot of fun when we are together and share some common interests. However the lack of contact does get me down and seems disrespectful, I mean I told him to contact me if he were thinking of me and it's been over 24 hours and nothing. Or is that being needy? What do you wise people think?

True @Gutterton there's really no "good" explanation for it is there?

I get that he may not naturally need to keep in touch by phone but after you broke up with him over it and specifically asking him to instigate contact, he's sending a clear message that he's not bothered about your feelings. He could have reassured you that he loves being with you but he's not into messaging and he could easily drop you a quick line a few times a day, saying thinming of you or hope you're having a nice day etc.

I wouldn't contact him again and presume your relationship has ended and if he does contact you then keep your side of things low key.

@thekarmabus
You have had a lot of good advice on this thread.

However...
Can I ask you to just read your own posts again?

Is this really how you want to lead your life? Obsessing about a man who, frankly, doesn't care 2 hoots about you. Do you REALLY want to be the good time girl who is always up for a booty call at the weekend?

I realise this hurts. But this man is NEVER going to be the one for you. But I don't think any man is - because you are not secure enough to be a real partner.

All your posts suggest that you are looking for validation from your boyfriend. Can you see how needy this Is? You need to grow up and become happy and contented in your own right, instead of hoping someone else will fulfill you.

Google self-esteem, resilience, self-reliance.
Read 'Women Who Love Too Much.

Hi

Yes when I posted about a previous bf and messages I then ended it with him, I blocked him and he tried multiple times to get back with me and I didn't. So this time I was just checking to see what other people thought again? I will have a look at that recommended book. I don't know if I do look for validation from a bf, maybe I do, I just want to be in a loving stable relationship to be honest. I wouldn't say I'm obsessing about my bf but if they suddenly go no contact with you then yes it is on my thoughts.

@thekarmabus has he ever given you a reason re his slow replies?

No he's used to message and call all the time. When I've asked before he's said well you haven't messaged me either? Or he's been annoyed at me for something and then he's gone silent. He might possible be annoyed this time that might be the reason but I think whether you've had an argument or not you should have daily contact. I guess this is where not living together gets tricky.

Don’t try to JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) his actions or your feelings - this just fills the impact and keeps you stuck.

This

The reasons for his behaviour are irrelevant. It’s not good enough for you. That’s the point. You do sound a tad on the needy side and you may need to work on that too (Women Who Love Too Much may be interesting for you) for your own well-being, but he’s giving you nothing. You got back together because you reached out to him. Don’t contact him. Proceed on the basis that it’s over. Get busy and interested in other things.

Yes that is exactly what I am doing. Presuming it's over, over organised things for the weekend. Maybe I am needy. Argh the shame of it. I will order that book immediately.

Ok everyone I have ordered women who love too much and got my weekend plans sorted. I will be ok. I haven't texted and he'll will freeze over before I do basically! However I will need to imitate contact after the weekend to give back keys etc if he has t been in touch. Thanks for all the advice and seems mainly people say he's not giving enough and being hurtful which was my gut instinct so thanks. I will try and work on not being so need also.

It is not the number of texts you would like him to initiate (one a day ffs) that makes you “needy” - it’s that once you have asked for something that is v important to your happiness and he then has refused repeatedly to agree/compromise - it’s then when you go on to question yourself for asking and don’t take any action in response to his deliberate hurtful, disrespectful and unkind behaviour that could be construed as “needy”.

Not sure that that is a helpful word - it’s more that you become
a doormat and tolerate bad behaviour - which makes you unhappy - that is what you need to look at.

Well done for knowing what you need.
Well done for asking for it.
Well done for knowing his response is “confusing”
Well done for posting on here
Well done for engaging in discussion

Next steps are up to you - suggestions:

Listening to your gut.
Knowing when something is “confusing” it really means it’s wrong and your head is trying to JADE your true feelings - which are right.
Knowing when you have asked nicely, repeatedly for something simple that will make you happy and it isnt given it’s because the person at best doesn’t care and at worst wants to actively hurt you.

Deciding that you are better than this and taking action.

Taking time out to build your own emotional strength before starting another RS.

Very good advice @Gutterton thanks for taking the time to reply to me today. Now I feel better and that my initial instincts were right. Yes you're right I wasn't asking too much very little in fact. Now I need to act based on the fact he has not replied and basically has delivered hurt me.

I can understand that you want to be in a stable loving relationship. But I dont think he is the one who'll give you this.

You are not needy in the sense of wanting something excessive, but you are needy in the sense of wanting something from someone who cannot or does not want to give you what you are asking.

It's good that you recognise his shortcomings. You also need to recognise that people don't change. He has shown you who he is, and no amount of explaining or asking him to be more considerate is going to change him.

Where you need to work on yourself is self-esteem, self-worth and boundaries, as well as becoming more self-reliant, so that you become less dependent on what a man may or may not do for you.

What I don't understand is that he was giving me this for a year but has suddenly stopped so how will I prevent this happening in any future relationships? Maybe this book will help me with that.

It should be fun

It should feel nice.

It's as simple as that.

Good on you - keep busy, try and move on mentally.

Keys - what - keys to his place? Why bother? If he wants them back, let him get in touch Certainly don't go to the trouble of contacting him to say you need to get his keys back to him. You don't. His responsibility.

He sounds... tedious.

how will I prevent this happening in any future relationships?

It's not you though. Yes I'm sure you have been 'needy' as a response to him blowing hot and cold and basically being quite cruel to you. Most of us would be. Must feel horrible.

But none of what you've described as your basic requirements are at all needy in themselves. We all want to feel cherished, important to our other half, we want to think that they look forward to contacting us and speaking with us!

The only thing you can do to 'prevent' this in future is to read those books NOT to find out how to stop someone acting like a twat, but to give yourself the tools to be strong enough, decisive enough and value yourself enough to walk away without a backward glance as soon as someone starts that nonsense with you. No games. No trying to get them to act in the way you want. They're either meeting you in the middle, and you're having a loving, equal, enjoyable relationship, or they're not, in which case you aren't going to get involved in any juvenile game playing. Bye Felipe!

how will I prevent this happening in any future relationships

If you learn to value yourself, be self assured and put strong boundaries in place, people will recognise that you are no pushover. They will respect you and your needs. They won't try to play games with you.

Also, the sort of people who thrive on manipulating the people they are suppoised to love will stay well clear of strong people because they recognise that they cannot break their boundaries.

Has he messages u yet. He isnt bothered. Or he will message u when hes wanting sex or something

@FizzyGreenWater that's so funny. You're absolutely right! I don't need to contact him for keys etc. I will do just that. Not contact him again. But what is he sends me a text finishing it? Then I've missed my opportunity to finish it first, I know I know, that sounds very teenage like doesn't it?

And no he hasn't contacted me. Day 2 if no contact nearly over. Think that's the relationship over now. Thanks to you all though I'm actually feeling fine. That horrible anxious feeling has gone and I feel more confident in my thoughts, I'm not doubting myself.

Get in there first!

OP you are allowed to have needs! All this woman to woman judging about being “needy”. It’s bollocks. It’s gone too far. Now nobody’s allowed to say anything about their wants or emotional needs for fear a man will say their “needy”. Stand up and say “yes mate. I’m needy. I’ve got needs and everybody does and everybody has different needs and these are mine” you’ve got to own your needs and not let anybody tell you their opinion on YOUR needs. Fuck anybody who tries to take your needs away. So what if you’re insecure. Fuck that too. Be insecure if you want to be. You are you and you be you. The happiest married people I know are the ones where the woman (pre marriage) has stated her needs and boundaries clearly and said “this is what I want and what I expect” be prepared to dump and block if the other party can’t or won’t discuss or make plans to meet those needs. It’s the basics of a long lasting relationship. That’s why they say “marriage is a contract” because it is and so it bloody well should be!

Glad you feeling better OP. I think the anxiouness is a gut feeling that something isn't right. We doubt ourselves, when in reality it's correct and something is wrong.

Re neediness it's conditioned we mustn't be needy, and I am guilty of that so being too over accommodating. I agree with PP...think that's the way forward.

How do you communicate your needs though, without being 'needy'? That's what I struggle with.

@poopbear fantastically put 👏🏼

But what is he sends me a text finishing it?

You let him! Because you don't care.

That's genuinely not caring... when you just don't bother, at all. Have you ever heard the saying 'The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference'? Exactly that. You don't have any interest in him any more.

So if he texts you'll reply - 'Hi, aw sorry guess I should have texted you, I've been pretty busy sorry. Yep we're totally done. Have a nice life.'

Or even: 'Hi assume this is X? Yes of course we're done.' (as if you deleted his number already...)

Or just ignore totally!