Seriously, is this a thing??

[Querying]

Hi. I've been dating someone for a few weeks. Seems okay, but clearly still in the early stages of getting to know. He seems alright. We share a lot of the same values.

A couple of weeks ago, he invited me over to his apartment (not for sex). I was quite excited and looking forward to seeing where he lived, etc.

As soon as he let me in, my heart sank. His place was an absolute tip; curtains not properly open, pictures not hung up on the wall (left at side of chair), rug in the hallway was all skuwif (sp). I was quite surprised, and disappointed.

There was no milk in fridge so couldn't even make me a cuppa (he doesn't drink hot drinks, but knows I do).

Now this is where I think I'm judging. He's got quite a 'high-flying' job and I guess I expected his apartment to reflect that.

I've spoken to two friends. One has said that it's unacceptable and the other has said that perhaps he doesn't place tidiness as a top priority. I must say, his place didn't smell great, either.

But, here's the thing; surely if you know someone is coming over, you make the effort? Is there any genuine reason why this would not be the case (apart from the fact that he maybe doesn't care too much about me? )

Ps, I've seen him a couple of times, since...not at his place.

TWO cleaners!!! I just can't get over that. Might indicate a touch of over zealousness on your mums behalf!!!

@74NewStreet op said smelly too.. and no effort made - yuk!

Luckily my man’s house was a fragrant haven of loveliness when I first stumbled in 😃

The rug wasn't just wonky, or not straight, it was "all skuwif". I really do need to show you an example, somehow. It's been bugging me that people think I've been making a huge deal from a slightly misaligned rug. That is not the case, but it's difficult to describe.

The black lines are the hallway. The red is the rug

So he had chosen to have the rug diagonally?

Any chance he’s on the spectrum, do you think?

FFS

Since when does having a wonky rig and partially drawn curtains = on the spectrum

Ah! I fully hang on to the hope I'd be judged less for a wonky carpet runner, and messy rooms than I would be on my hygienic bathroom and kitchen. I'm not saying if someone called round they'd be wading through knee high rubbish 😂 but my home normally falls into semi shit tip category when I'm at work all week, and catch up on days off. I also don't iron, and my bedding could possibly do with an extra change in between the number it gets! However, I'm not Mrs Hinch, I do work full time, and I don't post pictures of my home on Instagram. If someone is known to be calling round I'll generally bundle all the excess shit into the spare room, and pray they don't feel the need to look in.

74NewStreet

Lots of people with very serious issues on this thread confused
Some halfwits even proclaiming someone with a wonky rug and unhung pictures have no self respect! You poor uptight gobshites.

One of the Best comments I've ever read on MN.
I literally laughed so much I had tears in my eyes AND the cat was looking at me funny!

So he had chosen to have the rug diagonally?

Not quite. The inner black lines represent hallway. The outer lines the wall. Sorry, I can't draw in 3D

Luckily my man’s house was a fragrant haven of loveliness when I first stumbled in 😃

Don't rub it in

Not quite. The inner black lines represent hallway. The outer lines the wall. Sorry, I can't draw in 3D

Sorry, I don't understand - surely the edge of the hallway is the wall? Unless the rug is going up his walls?

Sorry, I don't understand - surely the edge of the hallway is the wall? Unless the rug is going up his walls?

Yes, this. Almost.

Run away, OP, fast!

You are not being unreasonable..I'd ditch him.

Curtains not open properly, pictures not hung and a rug not straight? I'm aghast tbh, how can you date someone like this?

I mean come on, surely if he's kind, considerate, makes you laugh and it was clean are far more important - but hey that's just me. Go for the psycho with the straight rug any day

Some people are naturally untidy and they say it's a sign of intelligence. It wouldn't really put me off tbh.

Bloody hell OP and others.

I’m am a supremely messy being and DH is the tidy one but I have managed to bring up kids, feed and clothe them etc. without any difficulties.

To me, general house tidiness is not particularly important and a low priority in my life. I regularly clean the bathrooms and kitchen etc. but there’s always things left out on surfaces.
It’s rarely show home looking.

Luckily, DH isn’t too fussed (most of the time) and we rub along very well together. I’m extremely good at other tasks and it works for us.

If you are borderline OCD, I can imagine you’d struggle to live with someone like me. Fair enough and vice versa.

However, being untidy is just being untidy. It’s not a sign of anything else so it’s ridiculous to make daft assumptions on the basis of one visit.

My OH always tidied up when I was going to his. The more I made myself at home the more I realised that the tidying he had done was superficial. Clothes shoved in the drawers, pots and pans rammed in the cupboard, tins and jars shoved in any available space in the kitchen. Absolutely zero sense of organisation. I’ve somehow managed 10 years and 2 kids with this way of living. Drives me mad, but he is Mr Right in every other way!

Run away! That sounds hideous not someone you want to be attached too, you’ll have to do everything he can’t even make to effort to try fake a bit of effort, it’s not like he’s hiding it but that’ll be thrown back at you once you have a gripe about it!

I think he intended to clean up and get milk, had a wank and fell asleep - give him another chance and see what happens.
Out of interest - If not sex, or a meal, why were you going to his place and not out?

what if I was just shocked by the messiness because of how I've been brought up, and he's a decent bloke? Genuine question

OP I think yes is the answer to that.

When I was dating my DH, he wouldn't even let me in his hovel flat. We used to stay in a hotel 2 doors up

We've been married over 30 years. He realised he couldn't live like that and live with me.

How much do you like this guy? If he's really nice other than the untidiness, I wouldn't necessarily throw the relationship away. Maybe say in a lighthearted way "You don' t go in much for housekeeping, do you? Your place could really do with a damn good spring cleaning and sorting out! Is it always like that?" See what he says and go off that. Say "I couldn't stand living in such an untidy way. It would do my head in", again in a sort of jokey way, but it will still get your point across. Next time you go to his place, see if there' s improvement or at least he' s made some effort. If not, then you might have to think about whether you could concievably put up with his habits if the relationship developed. How is his personal hygiene?

Any chance he’s on the spectrum, do you think?

FFS

Since when does having a wonky rig and partially drawn curtains = on the spectrum

I dread to think what my husband would do to a house if he were left to his own devices 😂

If it progresses into living together you’ll be able to gently guide him into cleaning to your level 🙂

Well there is always hope! When I first met my DH, his flat was not well kept, didn’t seem to think washing bedding etc was a life necessity, you get the drift. Now nearly 20 years on I still tease him about his slovenly ways in the early days when he was starting out on his own. To be frank, a lot of people (often, but certainly not exclusively) don’t place any importance on cleanliness and neatness...until they are shown the light😀 Obviously some are beyond help but in this case I wouldn’t write him off just yet.