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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Seriously, is this a thing??

277 replies

Querying · 15/02/2020 22:36

Hi. I've been dating someone for a few weeks. Seems okay, but clearly still in the early stages of getting to know. He seems alright. We share a lot of the same values.

A couple of weeks ago, he invited me over to his apartment (not for sex). I was quite excited and looking forward to seeing where he lived, etc.

As soon as he let me in, my heart sank. His place was an absolute tip; curtains not properly open, pictures not hung up on the wall (left at side of chair), rug in the hallway was all skuwif (sp). I was quite surprised, and disappointed.

There was no milk in fridge so couldn't even make me a cuppa (he doesn't drink hot drinks, but knows I do).

Now this is where I think I'm judging. He's got quite a 'high-flying' job and I guess I expected his apartment to reflect that.

I've spoken to two friends. One has said that it's unacceptable and the other has said that perhaps he doesn't place tidiness as a top priority. I must say, his place didn't smell great, either.

But, here's the thing; surely if you know someone is coming over, you make the effort? Is there any genuine reason why this would not be the case (apart from the fact that he maybe doesn't care too much about me? Grin)

Ps, I've seen him a couple of times, since...not at his place.

OP posts:
Straycatstrut · 16/02/2020 14:16

*A manly smell in a would-be love interest's flat would need to be composed of beeswax and turpentine furniture polish, freshly brewing coffee and just a hint of something he's wearing from Penhaligon's or, at a pinch, Chanel.

Not stale sweat, Lynx and old trainers.*

Love it Grin

Is it just me that cannot stand that "men" smell? Lynx and shower gels. They all have such a sharp, potent reek.

StarlightLady · 16/02/2020 14:24

@74NewStreet - I did not say walk away because the rug wasn’t straight. If you are going to cite things, get it accurate.

I would walk away because of someone not making an effort. Oh, and I have just checked, I have a wonky rug!

Gwenhwyfar · 16/02/2020 14:28

Curtain open or not is not a tidiness issue. Neither is photos on the wall really.

" piles of empty cardboard boxes that had been there for weeks and would have taken seconds to throw in the recycle bin. "

I have to keep empty carboard boxes for my next move. I've tried to hide them behind things, but they're still there. I couldn't throw them away and then go through buying more.

allthedamnvampires · 16/02/2020 14:29

Everyone's house smells (probably including yours) and no it's not a 'thing'. That house sounds nothing like a tip. Poor guy.

You sound incredibly judgy but this might be because of your upbringing. Now you've made the connection there, it's over to you to do something about it before you end up like judgy house mum on a recent thread who got her son uninvited to play dates. That said, don't date someone you're uncomfortable about, trust your gut. Only you know where your cleanliness boundaries lie.

Try to work through the issues your mum gave you (I speak from experience, not trying to give you a hard time).

ClementineWardobe · 16/02/2020 14:30

Deal breaker for me. DHs place when we met (House share with a colleague) was lovely, clean and tidy, always had milk in fridge. Only thing I changed was to buy new bed linen immediately (he was using bed linen he'd shared with his ex wife)

Wish we'd bought that house too, it was gorgeous.

Reginabambina · 16/02/2020 14:32

My DH has a flat like that when I met him. He just doesn’t care. Clearly he liked me a lot but I guess he didn’t see the point in pretending he was a normal housekeeper in an attempt to con me into a relationship with a very messy man. Luckily for him I also struggle to give a shit.

PanicAndRun · 16/02/2020 14:32

A wonky rug would probably be me making an effort. Unless there's a complete straight edge to line it by. My straight is slightly (sometimes a lot to the left) especially if I'm really close to it. After straightening something about 7 times and it still being wonky(either because of how i think it's straight or because I overcompensated) I finally give up and say fuck it. It's frustrating as fuck.

ClementineWardobe · 16/02/2020 14:32

Oh and he wants you to swoop in and clean up and fix him and take care of him.. Eurgh

Nicolastuffedone · 16/02/2020 14:35

Everyone’s house smells??

Museumland · 16/02/2020 14:43

Being honest it sounds a little disorganised rather than a tip. I have plenty of friends in great jobs who even have cleaners and their homes are verging on chaotic but are clean. I am not sure if you are the same as me but if I really like someone I can overcome a lot (not always a good thing) but if something just doesn't feel quite right then I will just find something to justify ending or not progressing a relationship, I may not be conscious of it at the time.

Querying · 16/02/2020 14:51

allthedamnvampires. I agree. I think a lot of my issues stem from my mum (although I don't want to entirely blame her for her judgey behaviour).

My house is not like a show home. But if I was inviting someone over, I would make the effort.

All this aside; he seems, on the face of it, a fairly nice guy.

OP posts:
FraglesRock · 16/02/2020 14:56

Most people would have gone to some effort knowing a potential partner is coming round, so therefore that might be what it looks like after he made an effort...

Querying · 16/02/2020 18:16

Hi. Just an update. I spoke to him earlier and he has invited me over on Thursday. I will try to judge less, and learn about him more. Thanks again for all the advice/opinions. It's been an eye-opener! Smile

OP posts:
74NewStreet · 16/02/2020 18:35

Lots of people with very serious issues on this thread Confused
Some halfwits even proclaiming someone with a wonky rug and unhung pictures have no self respect! You poor uptight gobshites.

Gwenhwyfar · 16/02/2020 19:54

"why couldn’t you either have it black or not be bothered about not having a drink"

Disagree with this! If you're a regular tea drinker you usually have one every few hours and if you have it with milk, you need it with milk. I keep some instant coffee just in case I have a visitor who drinks coffee. I wouldn't buy a cafetiere, but I'd do the minimum.

PanicAndRun · 16/02/2020 20:54

Just make sure you see more than the livingroom. Then you can form an opinion and decide if he's for you or not

Querying · 16/02/2020 21:23

gobshites..not heard that word in yonks! Grin

OP posts:
Warmfirechocolate · 16/02/2020 21:26

I’d be really put off tbh.

Querying · 16/02/2020 22:21

Is it just me that cannot stand that "men" smell? Lynx and shower gels. They all have such a sharp, potent reek.

Nope, definitely not just you😂

OP posts:
Lunafortheloveogod · 16/02/2020 22:31

Right a squint rug is just a rug.. if the cats not made mine into a rug run by half 9 in the morning he’s up to some other form of evil.
One curtain shut could be the sun coming in the left side so you shut that curtain instead of squinting like your life depended on it.

And in horror of all mumsnetters... I wouldn’t have specifically bought you milk either, you shall not perish without tea or coffee. And if you don’t want some I’m left with a tub of short dated stuff I won’t use. And who even says he has teabags/coffee..

The picture would bug me more than the above.. it takes 2 seconds to either shove it behind the chair or bang a nail up.

Cleanliness checks are bathrooms really.. if it looks like he does the helicopter when he pisses run. Pubes everywhere.. don’t care if they claim to be beard hairs I don’t know where they originated so I don’t want to see them lol. And loo roll, everyone uses it but men sometimes seem to forget we always need it scowls aggressively at dp who always leaves it empty in the middle of the night

museumsandgalleries666 · 16/02/2020 22:58

Take your own milk on your next visit

MadamePewter · 16/02/2020 23:02

It sounds horrible, and would you ever want to have sex there..? Dealbreaker for me

PanicAndRun · 16/02/2020 23:20

I sometimes wonder where and how do some people on here live. Sterile labs?

74NewStreet · 16/02/2020 23:24

MadamePewter You sound nuts! You have no idea what it was like, apart from a rumpled rug and curtains not fully drawn Grin
And you decide “Dealbreaker for me, I wouldn’t want to have sex there”...

PanicAndRun · 16/02/2020 23:37

Maybe she only wants to have sex on the arm of chairs which were already occupied by picture frames. That could be slightly uncomfortable.