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Original poster

Seriously, is this a thing??

277 replies

Querying · 15/02/2020 22:36

Hi. I've been dating someone for a few weeks. Seems okay, but clearly still in the early stages of getting to know. He seems alright. We share a lot of the same values.

A couple of weeks ago, he invited me over to his apartment (not for sex). I was quite excited and looking forward to seeing where he lived, etc.

As soon as he let me in, my heart sank. His place was an absolute tip; curtains not properly open, pictures not hung up on the wall (left at side of chair), rug in the hallway was all skuwif (sp). I was quite surprised, and disappointed.

There was no milk in fridge so couldn't even make me a cuppa (he doesn't drink hot drinks, but knows I do).

Now this is where I think I'm judging. He's got quite a 'high-flying' job and I guess I expected his apartment to reflect that.

I've spoken to two friends. One has said that it's unacceptable and the other has said that perhaps he doesn't place tidiness as a top priority. I must say, his place didn't smell great, either.

But, here's the thing; surely if you know someone is coming over, you make the effort? Is there any genuine reason why this would not be the case (apart from the fact that he maybe doesn't care too much about me? Grin)

Ps, I've seen him a couple of times, since...not at his place.

OP posts:
mylifestory · 17/02/2020 21:25

This cd be describing a male friend of mine many years ago in every way. I'm not sure what his new girlfriend thought at the Time but they ended up living in his flat during the week and a there at weekends as she was in the countryside. now almost 20 years ago they live in a big house in the country with 3 kids, he is still a high flying IT bod and she has a part time business. I guess they just need a female to take them under their wing. I don't know if this is you.

juneo63 · 17/02/2020 21:41

Dump him!! He will only start to irritate you!!

74NewStreet · 17/02/2020 21:42

Ouch, Lottie! (I can’t disagree).

Original poster
Querying · 17/02/2020 22:32

Skew-whiff OP, not 'skuwif'.

Oh, is that how you spell it? I was unsure in my OP, hence putting (sp) after it. And, yes, you are right to judge the fact I couldn't spell it!

OP posts:
Merryweather80 · 18/02/2020 06:46

Personally for me I wouldn't dump him immediately.

What was the smell like? Old kitchen rubbish? Maybe he forgot to take the bag out and the smell had lingered.
Damp clothes?
Dirty dishes left out?
A cooking type smell?
Gym trainers that could do with a bicarb do over?
Had he had a particularly busy week at work leaving him little time to tidy?
What is his personal hygiene like?

I'm glad you are visiting again. I would give him the benefit of the doubt given you get on so well in other aspects of your relationship.

The majority of men don't see dust, mess and clutter in the same way women do, not to say that excuses it.

I'm quite a neat and tidy person and had a similar upbringing as you from the sound of it.
My biggest bug bare of this lies with the milk. He went to the shops earlier in the day knowing you were visiting and didn't buy any milk. That just seems very inconsiderate and I hope a one off.

Could you make helpful suggestions to him? Maybe storage is an issue? Suggest a cleaner if he is so busy at work? Hiring a carpet cleaner? Airing out the house? Plug in's?
Definitely check out the bathroom and kitchen when you visit on Thursday.

Please update this thread after your visit. I hope it was a one off on his part. If not let's hope it's an aspect he's clueless in and is happy to accept advice on ways to improve his living standards.

Good luck x

MyOtherProfile · 18/02/2020 06:51

Or skewiff.

My DH lived in a messy house when we met. It didn't put me off him but it did mean that when we got our own house together I took charge of how we stored everything and how we kept it clean so it didn't end up the same way. Our house now is clean and tidy but he has an office where I don't venture and which is a pig sty.

allthedamnvampires · 18/02/2020 06:59

@Querying I think you might have missed the point about what @lottie is saying.

icecreamsundae32 · 18/02/2020 07:35

Maybe it's a test to see if it puts you off him?? See how it is on Thursday if he makes more of an effort.... you def need to see the state of kitchen, bathroom and if he's made the bed or left dirty clothes all on the floor!

I totally get how you are feeling, you make the effort if someone is coming over especially a love interest for the first time! Even if you are short of time... quickly open the windows, Hoover/sweep, wipe down the sides and the toilet at the least, but if I knew someone was coming I'd give it a proper clean and tidy!

My DH's room was immaculate when I used to visit, bed made perfectly straight, all clothes, books, dvds etc tidy and we were only 16 so still living at home. He still hates clutter and is better at cleaning than me. The downside being he moans about kids toys causing clutter and he'd love to live in a show home. He can cook and iron too... but he is a moody bugger at times!

ltk · 18/02/2020 07:52

No. Just no. Walk away, OP. Unless you are signing up to be his cleaner and household manager and general Mummy-substitute, none of which syncs with love affair for me.

Nothing unsexier than a grown man who can't cook, clean and manage his own home.

mondayfeels · 18/02/2020 08:18

Red flags at the start of a relationship are why you leave them later. It’s obviously sat with you and bothered you, so imagine actually living with him.

Original poster
Querying · 18/02/2020 08:24

Go for the psycho with the straight rug any day

You do have a point!

OP posts:
Original poster
Querying · 18/02/2020 08:27

Merryweather80, great advice. Thank you Smile And, yes, I will update.

OP posts:
userxx · 18/02/2020 08:29

Nope, just couldn't do it. Huge turn off.

YgritteSnow · 18/02/2020 08:32

I met a man once and went back to his that night - shared house. On arriving at his home, he got me a drink and then sprinted upstairs and was gone for ten minutes saying he'd be back shortly. I went on to see him for six months and found out he'd gone up to do an emergency clean of his room and the shared toilet, this for someone who at that point was only a potential one night stand.

I'd be really put off someone I was actually seeing if they couldn't be bothered to make their home presentable for me on an arranged visit.

thenovice · 18/02/2020 09:24

If he makes so little/no effort now, just imagine what it will be like when you are more familiar and he feels less need to try! If you end up living together, you will be left to do EVERYTHING. Perhaps he is looking for a housekeeper/maid?

Wishihadanalgorithm · 18/02/2020 09:31

When I went to DP’s house for the first time I was quietly shocked. He had cleaned up (floor was still damp from mopping) but some of the ways in which he lived were horrible. He had bought the house and one it up (new windows, heating, flooring and a fabulous kitchen) but then ran out of money.

His bed was a secondhand effort from Ikea, he had an old poang chair and a crappy futon to sit on in the lounge - which incidentally had a big hole in the wall where a fire was mean to be and his bedroom was a clash of a orange, green and purple! The bathroom just had floor boards and there was no shower curtain! Honestly, I nearly ran away.

I ended up moving in and he bought real furniture (designer sofa, bed, wardrobes, shower curtain, floor tiles and a log burner). It turned out he finally had the money saved to do the next bit and hadn’t got around to it as he was used to living an almost monastic lifestyle.

I would say, OP, based on my experience give him a bit of time. It is early days and whilst he may be a bit of a slob now, it doesn’t mean he always will be.

MadamShazam · 18/02/2020 09:32

When I met DP, he was living back with his parents, and I have to say I was pretty shocked by the state of his room. It was horrendous, stuff everywhere, bed unmade, empty juice cans, cups, bowls, clothes everywhere. He is still messy, 10 years down the line, but afer lots of direction (nagging) he has got alot better. Tbh, some men just don't prioritise cleaning, doesn't make them a bad person.

Mummyten · 18/02/2020 09:50

Been there - really nice bloke but totally self-centred in the end . He had very high standards in most things including hygiene but his flat was manky ..I gave it a go but after we split I realised I’d had a lucky escape - would have been his mother I the end !

ralfeesmum · 18/02/2020 11:54

He probably thought "I'm such an Adonis/genius/charmer that she won't see all this crap.....she'll be too enchanted."

Sounds like he's used to living in Student House style.

5LeafClover · 18/02/2020 12:38

He might well be clueless and happy to accept advice on ways to improve his living standards.

It's nice to hear stories where this works out. Just make sure you don't assume this will definitely be the case and that its just be a matter of time and/ or explaining to him. He could equally be quite convinced that no extra effort is needed and that if it bothers you so much, you should do it.

starfishmummy · 18/02/2020 12:55

My boyfriends tended to falm into either the absolute slob camp or the ones where you didnt dare sit down in case you left a dent on the chair.

DH was the slob sort. If you were there on the day he did his housework it was all tidy and clean. But them gradually got worse again!!

Original poster
Querying · 18/02/2020 16:32

He probably thought "I'm such an Adonis/genius/charmer that she won't see all this crap.....she'll be too enchanted."

No, he's is gorgeous, but cannot see it. You can tell.

OP posts:
PeachyPeachTrees · 19/02/2020 16:38

The 'not making an effort' would bother me more than clutter.

FizzyGreenWater · 19/02/2020 17:49

Rug flags all over this one OP.

Original poster
Querying · 19/02/2020 18:17

Rug flags all over this one OP.

Grin
OP posts: