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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Currently crying in the bathroom..

145 replies

Feelingalonehelp76 · 15/02/2020 10:04

Not had a great morning. We have my husbands relation staying with us for a few days and she is really hard work especially when it comes to our 2 young kids. She ignores everything we say regarding the kids, this includes using car seats, trying to give them different things for breakfast etc.

This morning the relative asked my child what they wanted, my child replied and I said no, please give her “such and such” cause she’s will never eat that, she completely ignored me and gave my child what she asked for. I just walked away and had to get a breather.

I’ve just spoken to my husband when I got a minute to have abit of a vent and he went ballistic and has told me to go to my mums house if I don’t like it and to get out of his face and he slammed the door.

I know for a fact I’m not overreacting. His family are so rude it’s unbelievable and know nothing about boundaries. Should I just walk out with the kids and get a few hours to ourselves? I got upset while telling my husband that she doesn’t listen to anything I have to say about the kids - this has been over 5 years, and felt horrible when he shouted at me (which his relative would have heard) Sad

OP posts:
gingersausage · 15/02/2020 12:50

So your FIL won’t have her in his house and the world kept turning? There you go then.

Anthia · 15/02/2020 12:52

Bottom line, this is your home and your family and you have to stand up and manage them all, DH included.

This ⬆️

Doesn't help you right now but don't allow this woman back in your home again. Ever. Life is too short and you have no obligation to have her in your home. Yes you might get a slating for it from other family member but if it means never having to accommodate her ever again, it'll be worth it!! Life is too short.

BreatheAndFocus · 15/02/2020 12:54

She doesn’t stay at MIL because FIL won’t allow it. Her behaviour was terrible when she used to stay at their house too

Right - so it’s not you, is it? It’s most definitely her. Remind your DH of this. This woman is so awful, she’s not even allowed to stay in her sister’s house. So - she can stay in a hotel.

You could do as a PP said and make sure there’s no bed or room for her to stay in, or you could simply say No. But don’t give in and have her stay again - ever.

Your DH sounds weak and he’s taking his frustration out on you. I can’t believe he told you to leave if you don’t like it! Make it clear you’re considering that as an option. Idiot! Don’t let him drag you under the thumb he’s obviously living under.

HannaYeah · 15/02/2020 12:59

Oops, cross-posted with you.

I’d use his blow up today as Th e reason she cannot stay there anymore. Tell him even his own father does not tolerate her.

AdaColeman · 15/02/2020 13:04

Your husband is able to focus his frustration on you, and the aunt is able to bully you, because you are letting them. Get some help and work on your personal boundaries and your self image and assertiveness.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 15/02/2020 13:18

Should I just walk out with the kids and get a few hours to ourselves?

Or walk away with the kids and have a life for yourselves?

SchadenfreudePersonified · 15/02/2020 13:21

There was once my husband was away and she asked me to stay a week before Christmas and I said no and the whole family hated me for it.

Of course they did - one of them all have had to step up to the plate, or at least have to be further bad guys for refusing to have her either.

Drum2018 · 15/02/2020 13:23

So your inlaws get to say no to her, yet they expect you to put up with the cantankerous bitch? @Feelingalonehelp76 find your inner RAGE today and have a go at going ballistic yourself - your Dh can't berate you for that seeing as he's had a go at you. So what if the bitch thinks your going mad. You don't have to care what she thinks of you anymore because as of now you are going to regain control. You are going to learn to say no and you will feel empowered for taking a stand against this woman. And I guarantee your Dh will thank you for it as he is too much of a wimp to tell her to fuck off himself - he'd rather take his rage out on you instead of his aunt out of fear of what his family will think. To hell with them and what they think!

Original poster
Feelingalonehelp76 · 15/02/2020 13:23

My husband has just sent me a text telling me he knows I detest his family and that you can cut the tension with a knife when we are all together and he’s stuck in the middle apparently. There’s been no apology, just putting all the blame on me. I don’t know what to do

OP posts:
GertrudeCB · 15/02/2020 13:25

Tell him to fuck off and take his Aunt with him.

AcrossthePond55 · 15/02/2020 13:25

Is there room for you and DC at FiL's house? Because it sounds like he has the measure of her and would understand your need to get away.

As far as 'no room' at your mum's, there may not be beds for all but I think I'd rather sleep on the sofa or the floor than put up with being undermined by TWO people in my own home.

What is the 'balance of power' in your home? Meaning what would your H (because he's not very D, is he?) do if you said "Auntie is not welcome here anymore". Are you a SAHM and he'd use the 'I earn the money' card? Are you afraid of abuse?

longtimelurkerhelen · 15/02/2020 13:27

^ This

I was about to say the same. Tell him to grow a fucking spine and support his actual family rather than his aunt who even his own father cannot tolerate.

GabsAlot · 15/02/2020 13:27

slefish git-he knows how hard she is he isnt stuck int he middle youre his wife he should be on your side no matter

as for the car seats does he know she does this-dont let her have the dc alone

AcrossthePond55 · 15/02/2020 13:28

just putting all the blame on me

May as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb then. Sounds as if you're going to get blame no matter what you do. So tell Auntie that this is her last overnight visit.

Herocomplex · 15/02/2020 13:29

At least you’re seeing clearly what the problem is. He’s basically saying I need you to rollover and take this like I do, despite the fact that it distresses you do much.
He knows his family are out of order but he’d rather you were unhappy. I do have a bit of sympathy for him, he’s been trained to think like this. It’s not normal though, and you don’t have to accept it.

Don’t take the blame. Ask him if this is really what he wants. Look at the Out of The Fog website, it will help you to understand.

CrotchetyQuaver · 15/02/2020 13:37

TBH being ignored in my own home is one of those "lines in the sand" for me. I'd be calling her out on that behaviour in no uncertain terms making it absolutely crystal clear I absolutely will not tolerate it. My home, my rules. Especially on what the DC eat. If she leaves in a huff so be it. I expect your husbands stressed out by her too, but he should have supported you.

allthesharks · 15/02/2020 13:45

Have you responded to his message?

It seems clear that it's not his family you detest, it's the way they, and he, treat you.

You're being ignored and undermined in your own home. It's enough of a faff having someone to stay without them bringing their criticisms with them.

I would remind your H of what he said about his relative last night and the fact that his own father won't have her stay in his house for the same reason. I'd also try to reach out to FIL.

Whynosnowyet · 15/02/2020 13:47

He isn't stuck in the middle. His own df won't host her - she is bloody awful - he is a spineless git who should be supporting his dw and dc. Remind him who he made vows to!

MrsTidyHouse · 15/02/2020 13:53

OP “ She chooses our house because of the children as she loves being with them, which is nice for them because she spoils them but shit for us because they are nightmares by the time she leaves.”

It really isn’t nice for the DC to be spoilt by her. She should not be over-riding your standards for their behaviour, and absolutely not in your own home.

I had a similar situation with Mil and dh’s Aunt, although they “only” turned up unannounced two or three times a week, separately or together, and sat for hours on end, waking baby, disrupting and undermining what I wanted for the older dc, then wanting lifts home from DH who had a long and tiring day’s work. I spoke (argued) with DH many times about it, I just wanted a phone call the day before to ask whether it suited me and when to arrive. He never stood up for me in front of her, and I don’t believe he ever spoke to her about it in any serious way when he was alone with her.

My own parents were horrified by this, DM suggested how I could express the problem to Mil, but they themselves were so well-mannered that I don’t think they understood how impossible Mil could be and how useless DH proved to be.

Mil became too frail to visit, and DH appeared to enjoy taking the DC to her house to visit and have their tea. I still don’t know why he couldn’t have come up with this sooner. Maybe he was pulled in too many directions at once, maybe neither of us was assertive or mature enough, but the net result was that I felt a huge sense of relief when she died, and I remain ashamed of myself for that to this day.

BreatheAndFocus · 15/02/2020 13:55

My husband has just sent me a text telling me he knows I detest his family

Text him back asking him if his father detests his family too. Remind him of the fact his father won’t have the woman stay in his house. Remind him about what he (DH) said before about how he doesn’t like having this woman stay. Then tell him the problem clearly isn’t you!

TBH, the fact he’s unable or unwilling to begin to see your point of view and acknowledge your feelings isn’t very promising. Only you know whether he’s being nasty to you on purpose or whether you’re collateral damage in his obsession with ‘family’ and his weakness in dealing with his awful aunt.

EffYouSeeKaye · 15/02/2020 13:55

Tell him to fuck off and take his Aunt with him.

This.

katewhinesalot · 15/02/2020 13:56

You have to summon up the courage to tell her to go. If Dh says no then you have to go. There is no other choice at this point.

KundaliniRising · 15/02/2020 13:57

Come on op, yell him to fuck off and take his shitty bully of an Aunt with him.

Make a stand and mean it.

KundaliniRising · 15/02/2020 13:57

*tell

HollowTalk · 15/02/2020 14:01

You realise her family were furious with you because it meant she'd be looking at them for somewhere to stay, don't you? It's much easier for them if you put up with her; none of them wants to.

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