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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Currently crying in the bathroom..

145 replies

Feelingalonehelp76 · 15/02/2020 10:04

Not had a great morning. We have my husbands relation staying with us for a few days and she is really hard work especially when it comes to our 2 young kids. She ignores everything we say regarding the kids, this includes using car seats, trying to give them different things for breakfast etc.

This morning the relative asked my child what they wanted, my child replied and I said no, please give her “such and such” cause she’s will never eat that, she completely ignored me and gave my child what she asked for. I just walked away and had to get a breather.

I’ve just spoken to my husband when I got a minute to have abit of a vent and he went ballistic and has told me to go to my mums house if I don’t like it and to get out of his face and he slammed the door.

I know for a fact I’m not overreacting. His family are so rude it’s unbelievable and know nothing about boundaries. Should I just walk out with the kids and get a few hours to ourselves? I got upset while telling my husband that she doesn’t listen to anything I have to say about the kids - this has been over 5 years, and felt horrible when he shouted at me (which his relative would have heard) Sad

OP posts:
MrsAJ27 · 15/02/2020 10:42

Your husband is an arsehole. Take your children and leave he can deal with the aunt!

Sweetandawfulsour · 15/02/2020 10:46

Then it could be her way of being the perfect cool Aunt who doesn’t play by rules.
As most posters are advising, just take back control. If she doesn’t like it she can leave. With some minor/major attitude adjustments she can return when invited.

differentnameforthis · 15/02/2020 10:47

You have to take back control. Do not leave your home.

Deep breath.
Collect yourself.
Next conflict you say "this is my house, and my children, I have asked you not to give them X/do X, if you cannot abide by my wishes, you need to leave"

This person is bullying you in your home. DO NOT put up with it. If you do not take back control, this will be your life forever, and it will never get better.

Then give your H a kick up the arse for speaking to you like that! Next time this person wants to stay, suggest a hotel.

MondayMuriel · 15/02/2020 10:48

Thanks full sympathy OP have had similar! Can you go out for a few hours and relax? He's blown his lid because he's stuck in the middle which I also sympathise with, when we stay with my family my mum moans at me for all the faults of my DH and kids. No excuses though. Hope all works out ok.

LemonTT · 15/02/2020 10:48

I agree your husband is as stressed by the situation as you are

I have no idea why you both have to have her to stay. But I assume there is some obligation you can’t get out of.

You need joint tactics. Either an all out approach to limiting her assumed authority. That is both of you being assertive. Stop her having any control over your children. Remove the breakfast to the bin after telling the child to leave. No unsupervised access to the children and so on.

Or a damage limitation approach. The doctor and the breakfast are battles to be lost. The car seat is not. I would tell her straight if she does that or you think she will do that, she will be reported to the police and never again be left to unsupervised with the children.

Crying and screaming about it are pointless. She’s probably relishing the outcome and the gossip.

TrippingOnSunshine · 15/02/2020 10:49

I wouldnt be driven out of my own house! Put your foot down with the aunt! Tell your husband he's bang out of order how dare he shout at you! Maybe he should take aunty out for the day on his own it's his bloody relative!

ohfourfoxache · 15/02/2020 10:50

How long is left on this visit, is there anywhere you can stay with the dc?

namechange1041 · 15/02/2020 10:51

Is there anywhere at all you can stay with your kids OP?
Your DH is being a twat and so is his aunt.
Me personally, I would tell her to get the fuck out of my house, along with my DH.
She wouldn't be coming back.
If he doesn't like it then bye bye he can live with his aunt for the rest of his sorry days👋

But thats just me Grin

saraclara · 15/02/2020 10:51

He’s told me so many times that his family are overbearing and even told me last night that he hates this relative coming to stay so I’ve no idea why he has blown his lid. He has told me whenever they upset me to tell him
When he's calmed down, please remind him of this. And point out that his aunt heard how he treated you.

Meanwhile, yes, take your kids and go out for as long as is practically possible.

saraclara · 15/02/2020 10:53

"this is my house, and my children, I have asked you not to give them X/do X, if you cannot abide by my wishes, you need to leave"

...and that

Star81 · 15/02/2020 10:53

If neither you nor your husband like or enjoy this person staying with you then why do you continue allowing it ?

OrangeLindt · 15/02/2020 10:53

I think whilst the relative is here I would take the opportunity to take some time out for yourself. Sounds like a power struggle between you both and your DH is probably sick of it. So what if she spoils your kids for the time she is here?

UYScuti · 15/02/2020 10:55

It’s hard work standing up to pushy entitled people who lack boundaries, but if you show any weakness, or fail to draw a line in the sand, they will simply keep pushing until they walk all over you, and despise you while they do it
⏫ This! This is exactly how they operate

Herocomplex · 15/02/2020 10:55

She’s a bully. She needs to leave. I am very sympathetic, it’s horrible dealing with a person like this. End the visit as soon as possible, be polite but very firm.
It’s your house, your family. She needs to be stopped.

Notwiththeseknees · 15/02/2020 10:56

Pick up plate with 'forbidden' food, tip/scrape noisily into the bin whilst saying loudly "Silly Auntie Fuckface (or whatever) we always have (insert usual food) for breakfast".

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/02/2020 10:59

His aunt just heard his shouting. This gives her even more impetus to disregard you. A night away sounds like a good idea. When is she leaving?

sleepyhorse · 15/02/2020 10:59

Will he let you take the kids with you?

Catsandchardonnay · 15/02/2020 10:59

Your husband shouted in your face and slammed the door? Seriously I would leave for a while and take the kids with me. That is not acceptable behaviour from your husband.

Apolloanddaphne · 15/02/2020 11:01

He is taking his frustration out on you I think. It's not on but probably something I would do too.

ZebrasAreHorsesInPyjamas · 15/02/2020 11:01

How long is she staying with you for and does she do childcare for you? Just wondering as to how she could take the child to the doctor's unless she was babysitting?

You need to get your big girl pants on and be firm but polite. Why did you give in? At breakfast you say NO, DC won't eat that / can't have that, and remove the offending food. No big fuss, just deal with it in no uncertain terms.

Toria70 · 15/02/2020 11:02

Dear God, where is your backbone?

This is YOUR home, where your decisions are respected.

You're showing your DC a really bad example by letting people walk all over you.

Mischance · 15/02/2020 11:04

I guess he has blown has lid because he cannot stand having her there either. Never ever have her to stay again.

mrsBtheparker · 15/02/2020 11:04

even told me last night that he hates this relative coming to stay so I’ve no idea why he has blown his lid.

Remind him of this, in front of the relative, as soon as possible.

Original poster
Feelingalonehelp76 · 15/02/2020 11:05

She comes up for a few days at a time maybe 5/6 times a year. Regarding the doctor she was with my MIL and they joint my child to the doctor while I was working. MIL babysits a few hours a week while I work.

I have asked my husband numerous times to not let her stay but he always gives in and let’s her. There was once my husband was away and she asked me to stay a week before Christmas and I said no and the whole family hated me for it.

She’s away tomorrow thankfully

OP posts:
Thinkingabout1t · 15/02/2020 11:05

No more visits from rude ILs. Your house, your rules - especially about car seats!!

But most of all - your husband may be under stress too (I’m cutting him a bit of slack here because of horrible relative) but he had no right to shout at you. It sounds as if his family is the big problem, and he’s taking it out on you instead of supporting you. He needs to set boundaries, ban relatives who are rude to you and start standing up for his wife and children instead of bowing to relatives.