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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Currently crying in the bathroom..

145 replies

Feelingalonehelp76 · 15/02/2020 10:04

Not had a great morning. We have my husbands relation staying with us for a few days and she is really hard work especially when it comes to our 2 young kids. She ignores everything we say regarding the kids, this includes using car seats, trying to give them different things for breakfast etc.

This morning the relative asked my child what they wanted, my child replied and I said no, please give her “such and such” cause she’s will never eat that, she completely ignored me and gave my child what she asked for. I just walked away and had to get a breather.

I’ve just spoken to my husband when I got a minute to have abit of a vent and he went ballistic and has told me to go to my mums house if I don’t like it and to get out of his face and he slammed the door.

I know for a fact I’m not overreacting. His family are so rude it’s unbelievable and know nothing about boundaries. Should I just walk out with the kids and get a few hours to ourselves? I got upset while telling my husband that she doesn’t listen to anything I have to say about the kids - this has been over 5 years, and felt horrible when he shouted at me (which his relative would have heard) Sad

OP posts:
KundaliniRising · 15/02/2020 11:06

Tbe aunt needs to be told to fuck off, seriously.

She should no longer be wecome into you home.

If your dh doesnt have your back, he can go and stay with his aunt in a air b&b or hotel.

Stand up for yourself op!

Lifeisabeach09 · 15/02/2020 11:06

Don't cry--get angry.
Confront your husband and tell him he should not be talking to you like that and if he continues to, he should leave.
I'd, also, be saying to aunt to respect your rules or to get the fuck out.

Cherrysoup · 15/02/2020 11:09

Time for a big chat with the dh. Does he know they took your child to the doctor?! Bloody hell, I’d go nuts! I’d also be arranging different childcare as his dm clearly can’t be trusted.

LittlePaintBox · 15/02/2020 11:09

Just say 'No'. Her behaviour is unreasonable and there is no reason for you to tiptoe around her. She's obviously used to getting her own way so she's not going to take kindly to it.

You will probably feel bad if you stand up to her, because people like this know how to punish you for saying 'No', but you need to be prepared to put up with the discomfort for a long term gain, as she may not wish to come back if she isn't allowed to have her own way all the time.

BTW, I'm appalled that the doctor saw your child with your husband's auntie!

Warmfirechocolate · 15/02/2020 11:10

Next conflict you say "this is my house, and my children, I have asked you not to give them X/do X, if you cannot abide by my wishes, you need to leave"

Like others have said, you either:
Kick her out and refuse any more visits.
Stand up to her and pull her up every single time in front of your husband, and also never ever let her babysit your kids.
Carry on as you are and have this woman in your life treating you worse and worse.

Bezalelle · 15/02/2020 11:10

She comes up for a few days at a time maybe 5/6 times a year.

Why?

Herocomplex · 15/02/2020 11:10

You’re being controlled by the whole family by the sound of it. Your DH is leaving you to cope. This isn’t acceptable.

Your house, your boundaries. Would she accept you behaving like she does when you visit her?

You can accept this and carry on, push back and state your position, or cut them all out and leave your DH to deal with them.

They won’t change, but you can.

gingersausage · 15/02/2020 11:11

For god’s sake woman grow a backbone! Don’t remove your children from their home and add drama to their lives that they don’t need, just because you and your husband can’t manage to stand up to someone who has no business telling you what to do.

You are an adult. A grown woman and a mother. This woman is not the boss of you, so why on earth are you letting her drive you out of your own fucking house? Your house, your rules. If she wants to live by her rules then she can fuck off, not you. You don’t need your husband to “have your back”. You can deal with this.

Why was she getting your child’s breakfast? If you want her to eat something specific do it yourself. Why does she have any input on car seats? Take your children, put them in their car seats. Job done. No need for her to have anything to do with it. It sounds like you are handling over all control and then moaning when she does it wrong. Just don’t give her the opportunity.

There’s no point bitching at your husband about it. He obviously knows what she’s like and chooses to still have her to stay. There must be some reason for this I assume. In the interests of family harmony just grit your teeth and get through it. Either that or put your foot down and say from now on if he wants to spend time with her he needs to go and stay with her instead.

Warmfirechocolate · 15/02/2020 11:15

Also don’t rely on your husband. He’s grown up in this family and the dynamics are often set in stone. Of course he should back you up but in my experience this isn’t going to happen.

He may well be allowing himself to be bullied to and then taking it out on you.

My Ex was like this, horrible horrible SIL who gradually tried to take over my child. I had to either be as firm as she was bullying or accept being bullied and my child being bullied. The bullying started off as her just railroading small things like food, and health and safety, and turned into making Ex bring our child to her house regularly but I was not welcome. Pure alienation tactics!

I had to refuse point blank to let Ex take our child on his own (we were still together at the time), and of course he took it out on me. I refused and refused.

It was horrible but so worth it. I’m not a loud assertive person either, but we must protect our kids.

UYScuti · 15/02/2020 11:17

She imposes herself on you five to six times a year 😳
She really loves feeling her power and making everyone feel uncomfortable doesn't she 🙄
Why are you indulging her?

Thatnameistaken · 15/02/2020 11:18

Your husband has taken it out on you because he hates the situation of his relative staying and taking control of his children but he's such a wet sack of shit that he can't stand up to her (and knows he is) that it's far easier to let rip at you, I mean, you're only his wife!
Once the old harpy has gone back from whence she came you need to drum into him that its YOUR home too and if you don't want her to stay, she doesn't!

cees · 15/02/2020 11:18

Pick your child uo and walk away, to friends, mums a b&b if you can afford it but dont just let her treat you like a tit. Why are you not going mad at your husband, he is a complete dick with no back bone.

Likefootball · 15/02/2020 11:19

You do not have to take this ! Your house your rules.
Surely you should say what DD eats, not her.
If she does this again tell her this is not on
P.s bet you don't invite her again !

sunshinesupermum · 15/02/2020 11:19

Your husband has probably taken his frustration over his aunt out on you which begs my question why is this overbearing aunt invited if she makes life so difficult when she comes to stay?

cees · 15/02/2020 11:22

Stop giving her power, if dh says she is coming from this day to that, then you tell him you and the kids wont be there until she fucks off again. Repeat repeat repeat until he stops this rubbish. He knows how she treats you and he is happy for you to be disrespected by his aunt so fuck the pair of them, let them sit there looking at eachother. Have more respect for yourself and stamp this out now.

Drum2018 · 15/02/2020 11:25

Tell your Dh you will not benhostingnthis bitch again. I bet you are the one who ends up tidying and making the bed up for her, stripping it when she leaves - never again! Why isn't she staying with MIL? If MIL is living close enough to take your child to the doctor then tell her to go there for tonight. Things won't change unless you change them and saying a firm no to future visits is the first thing you need to do. Then if she is in the area and calls to your house do not allow her to disregard your parenting.
Out of curiosity how did she manage to bring your dc to the doctor without your knowledge? Was she providing childcare while you and Dh were working? If so then don't ask her again.

AgentJohnson · 15/02/2020 11:26

‘Why are men great until they gotta be great’ this lyric by Lizzo, explains your H’s behaviour. He talks a good talk but when push comes to shove, he uses you as an emotional punching bag because abusing you is simply preferable to the heat he would catch if he were to speak out.

This is who he, there isn’t a less cowardly version of him waiting round the corner.

This is the status quo, expecting the person who contributes to it to change is silly.

This is who he is, who are you and what are you going to do to stop this from continuing to be a thing?

The balls in your court.

timeisnotaline · 15/02/2020 11:26

Wet sack of shit sums it up. Take the kids out. Book a hotel if you don’t fit at your mums. Tell dh he can’t keep everyone happy so he has to choose.

Drum2018 · 15/02/2020 11:28

Out of curiosity how did she manage to bring your dc to the doctor without your knowledge? Was she providing childcare while you and Dh were working? If so then don't ask her again

Sorry, I see that your MIL minds your dc while you work - in that case your MIL is equally to blame for that incident.

ineedaholidaynow · 15/02/2020 11:30

How did they get to see the doctor when not a parent?

Stop having the aunt to stay. She can stay with other relatives.

When she has left have a calm conversation with DH and discuss what happened and how you are going to manage relatives going forward.

MrsTidyHouse · 15/02/2020 11:33

Are she and MiL sisters? Why doesn’t aunt stay with her?

And if at all possible, ditch the free childcare and get a nursery or CM where you decide what happens, as they might badmouth to the Dc.

damnthatanxiety · 15/02/2020 11:41

I’ve just spoken to my husband when I got a minute to have abit of a vent and he went ballistic and has told me to go to my mums house if I don’t like it and to get out of his face and he slammed the door.

This isn't normal behaviour OP. I hope you realise this.

HisBetterHalf · 15/02/2020 11:41

why do you have the relative to stay if she is so bad

WestCountryLady · 15/02/2020 11:42

I would have n/c with her and if dh wants to spend time with her it can be without you and not under your roof.

This was similar to how my mil was until I decided I didn't need her poisoning my life or my marriage and after going n/c which dh supported so did he.
We've never been happier and he thanks me for helping him see how she was and he feels so free now.
Maybe he just doesn't feel he can stand up to her and finds you easier to upset than her which will continue all the time this woman is calling the shots.

74NewStreet · 15/02/2020 11:45

Why is this relation taking over your home? You’re sitting there saying “Please give them X for breakfast, not Y” and allowing her to drive them around without car seats...
Are you physically incapacitated at the moment? (I don’t mean that nastily, just wondering if she’s taken over to help you out or if you’ve just capitulated and let her run your home).