Currently crying in the bathroom..

[Feelingalonehelp76]

Not had a great morning. We have my husbands relation staying with us for a few days and she is really hard work especially when it comes to our 2 young kids. She ignores everything we say regarding the kids, this includes using car seats, trying to give them different things for breakfast etc.

This morning the relative asked my child what they wanted, my child replied and I said no, please give her “such and such” cause she’s will never eat that, she completely ignored me and gave my child what she asked for. I just walked away and had to get a breather.

I’ve just spoken to my husband when I got a minute to have abit of a vent and he went ballistic and has told me to go to my mums house if I don’t like it and to get out of his face and he slammed the door.

I know for a fact I’m not overreacting. His family are so rude it’s unbelievable and know nothing about boundaries. Should I just walk out with the kids and get a few hours to ourselves? I got upset while telling my husband that she doesn’t listen to anything I have to say about the kids - this has been over 5 years, and felt horrible when he shouted at me (which his relative would have heard)

I'm wondering if invitations are actually issued to this woman, or does she just take it upon herself to Grace you with her presence as and when she feels like it?

Thing is @Feelingalonehelp76, you HAVE stood up to her a little, but she’s not taken you seriously

The breakfast thing this morning should have been “I said no, please let me get my kids the breakfast they will be having, you need to leave the kitchen”

Car seats - wtaf? You don’t let her take them anywhere at all ever.

“Aunt, if you’re going to undermine me and put my kids in danger then I’m not prepared to have you spend time with us, you need to go back home now or find someone else to have you”

Oh and fuck his family, THEY can host her if they are so bothered!

And if h rails at this, he can go too.

With people like this you have to remove any hint of wiggle room.

Horrible bullying

Don’t let this woman stay with you ever again! Why can’t she stay with your MIL? Speak to your DH when he’s calmer. Remind him what he said before. Work out a plan for how to deal with any requests from toxic auntie in future. Does she even ask to stay or is she just dumped on you by the family? Perhaps the reason the family were annoyed that you didn’t let her stay that time is because nobody else wants to host the old bat!

I’d definitely stop using your MIL for childcare too. It’s not worth the hassle and it will show you’re extricating yourself from their toxic web.

For a start you need to stop cow towing to this aunt. She’s behaving this way because you allow her to. Next time she is out of line, tell her so. Stop her doing what she’s doing. Tell her she can leave if she is t going to respect you.
Your husband sounds weak and selfish.
I would book a hotel and go there with the kids. Your husband can pay.
Start to grow a backbone .

You can say, "No, DC will not eat that, I'll take care of it. This is my home & I will make the decisions necessary in it".
These visits are stopping as clearly you have difficulty respecting me & my wishes in my own home.

Her family go ballistic, Tough.

I have asked my husband numerous times to not let her stay but he always gives in and let’s her. There was once my husband was away and she asked me to stay a week before Christmas and I said no and the whole family hated me for it.

Why is this your husbands decision. Tell her to leave your house. DH does not have the right to inflict unpleasant houseguests in your home. Tell her to go to the bloody travelodge!

Yes you have a husband problem but you need to woman up and tell her to pack her bags.

& yes, go out with DC

Why can’t she stay with your MIL?

Isn't that fairly obvious??? 🤷🏻‍♀️😂😂

If she's only there until tomorrow, I'd seriously pack a bag and take yourself AND THE KIDS (because she is really there so see them and to use them to throw her weight around, it seems) and I'd get a family room in a Travelodge for a night.

Leave the fuckers to it.

And then tell your husband that if he EVER speaks to you like that again, your marriage will be over. And if he cannot be on your team when there's a situation like that to cope with, you won't be on his team any more either - he can fuck off next time he comes looking for moral/emotional/practical support. And he is to call the aunt and to let her know that she's no longer welcome to stay unless she can respect the fact she's a guest.

You don't want her there. Why is she there? You have a dh problem. Are you an equal partner in other respects? I doubt it. Are you happy with him?

An AUNT and you allow her to behave like this? Are you expecting to inherit her fortune or something?

Is this a cultural thing?

It sounds like he’s afraid to say no or the whole family will blame you and say he’s “under the thumb” and become even more overbearing.

I had 11 years of that bollocks.

A lot of this is on you.
You need to speak up.
You need to be firmer. And you need to shine your spine.

Let him say she's coming. Turn around and tell him she's fucking not.

She doesn’t stay at MIL because FIL won’t allow it. Her behaviour was terrible when she used to stay at their house too. I can’t even make an excuse for her that she’s difficult because she’s old, she’s only late 50’s.

She visits to see our children and her other family she has here, but she has plenty of other places she could stay. She chooses our house because of the children as she loves being with them, which is nice for them because she spoils them but shit for us because they are nightmares by the time she leaves.

It’s definitely my husband that’s upset me more than the auntie this weekend.. we have had our ups and downs and probably 25% of our arguments are because of his family. He’s stuck up for me in one occasion in front of his family, that’s it.

I don’t have anywhere to stay this weekend but I am busy with the kids this afternoon and will plan something for tomorrow afternoon.

Just feel really shit for being upset trying to speak to my husband, and him immediately taking his family’s side and telling me to leave if I’m not happy. I’m just confused by it.

She sounds so unpleasant!

You have to take control of your home. Tell your DH you will NOT leave. Stop asking her things when it comes to your children and start telling her. “Do not feed them that.”

I’d also think about telling her that you’ve never seen your DH so upset and that her presences causes conflict in your house. He seems unable to say no to his family. 5-6 visits a year from an aunt is about 4-5 too many. If she stays in a spare room I’d be thinking about turning that into a kids play room with no bed.

Bottom line, this is your home and your family and you have to stand up and manage them all, DH included.

Thing is it is actually better for you OP if you assert yourself and distance yourself. So if the whole family hate you, so what?!

You have nothing to lose.

The alternative is to put up with this bullying forever.

My Exes family hate me. Why? Because I stood up to my SIL. It was tough I admit. I actually cried a few times as they all rejected me. It hurt, I felt personally attacked and I was. Some of us are of the nature where we will appease and please in order to have good relationships with everyone. That’s me. And that’s you probably. Thing is, some families do not play by these rules.

If you have friends or family, tell them about this. They will be horrified too. I did eventually tell my family, but only after I sorted it myself. At first they were even a bit ‘oh you can’t stop SIL from seeing your child etc’ and then when they slowly started to see how awful they were being, they backed me up when my own husband wasn’t.

I realize now my Ex was scared of his sister. Sometimes one sister becomes the next matriarch in line, and they do throw their weight around. But they always back down when you are firm. Think about it, she has zero power, that is why she is throwing it around. It’s YOUR family, your rules, your home.

Bottom line, this is your home and your family and you have to stand up and manage them all, DH included.

This! Especially the DH bit.

Just feel really shit for being upset trying to speak to my husband, and him immediately taking his family’s side and telling me to leave if I’m not happy. I’m just confused by it.

I think it's fairly simple.

He doesn't have the courage to pull her up on her behaviour and stand up to his family. He'd rather lay into you to make you pull your head in.

His family won't support you because they don't want her staying with them.

It's easier for everyone to bully you into accepting her behaviour. That's because you are taking it all on the chin.

You need to make it harder for your DH to upset you than her. Make her behaviour more of a problem to him.

Your DH needs to tell her that she isn't staying again and stand up to his family when they pressure him to change his mind.

I would simply say ‘If you keep undermining me in front of my child, you’ll no longer be welcome in my home, now dear DD, let’s go get you your actual breakfast’

Do not let her dictate or control. Take over OP for goodness sake.

You are being bullied in your own home. It’s not a great example for your children at all, in many ways.

1- seeing someone undermine you
2- seeing you be walked over
And 3- the atmosphere in that house atm must be unbearable.

You need to make it harder for your DH to upset you than her. Make her behaviour more of a problem to him.

Unfortunately this one million times over.

I’ve had lovely people in my life right up until 10 years ago when I married and got bullies for in laws. It was a shock. I took it all on the chin. I reasoned. I asked. I compromised. DH threw me to the wolves basically.

Then someone told me, when a person is being a real bitch (sorry to use the word but can’t think of a better), and your DH takes it out on you when you stick up for yourself, you have to be the bigger bitch. Then your DH will take it as he’s basically taking the easiest road possible.

She doesn’t stay at MIL because FIL won’t allow it.

Then get FIL onside. And get him to tell his son to get a backbone and put a stop to it just as he did.

So did the child actually eat what they asked for and auntie gave them? Or not?

Does dh realise you've been in tears up there? Are they just leaving you to it, not at all concerned?

I realise this was 10am this morning and your probably not still in there now but surely something was said when you came down with red eyes? Not yourself, this all sounds so unfriendly.