Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not allowed to work

110 replies

Fizzypop2 · 15/02/2020 00:06

I don't know what to do. Last summer I ended up having a mental breakdown, I was on a psychiatric ward for a month. Part of my recovery plan was to get a job so I could start to feel a bit of self respect and get 'me' back again after being a sahm for 9 years. I started a new job that is two days a week and I absolutely LOVE IT. It's hard work but it's something for me... being in the work environment, having conversations with adults about normal things, work banter, a lunch break!! No nappies or cleaning or wiping snot. I've started to wear make up more and dress well and lose weight, I feel so good. I'm me again. And I'm enjoying my days at home so much more.. I'm more patient with the kids, I look forward to our meals together after school, we chat and I listen. I love it.

The problem I have is that my DH works the remaining 3 days a week because he has (well, had) health issues and he wants 2 days a week off... which he doesn't get because now he's childcare for those 2 days. The older 2 are at school so it's just the baby, but he won't have her in a nursery or childcare because of the cost and he says she's too young (9m). But he resents me so much for going back to work. Says I'm putting myself before him and before the family. I just do not know what to do. Well, I guess I do... I know I need to give up work. Like he said, before we had kids we agreed I would stay at home but I've changed the goal posts and he now doesn't get any days off.

I don't know, I'm just so sad. Devastated actually. I know how selfish I am, why can't I happily put my family first? Why am I being so selfish?

OP posts:
Astella22 · 15/02/2020 00:14

It’s not selfish to put yourself first after a breakdown. In fact not looking after you mental health is selfish, your kids need a well balanced mum. You DH needs to be put straight, when do u have a day off from the kids???

Maybe try talk to him more and stress how much this means to you. You are being a responsible parent by following your recovery plan.

The solution must be either he steps up or childcare and if he doesn’t like that well tough.

Look after yourself and try not to be so hard on yourself.

Lalala205 · 15/02/2020 00:19

Do you share the childcare between the two of you? Or are you expected to do that all too? Tell him to fuck off and start acting like a grown up!

audweb · 15/02/2020 00:20

When are your days off? Having a job was part of your recovery plan for a reason, please don’t let him guilt trip you into giving this up. He has to either do the child care or he finds a way to pay for it, it won’t be for ever.

Lalala205 · 15/02/2020 00:22

Sorry, *between the two of you on a weekend? If not then he's still got his 2 days off. Tbh he must be on pretty good money if you all managed on his 3 days a week prior to you working? I'm which case he can stump up for the childcare 1 day a week out of his disposable income if its such a hardship to time.

Lalala205 · 15/02/2020 00:23

*to him - I'm having typing issues due to indignation 😂

Original poster
Fizzypop2 · 15/02/2020 00:25

Thank you... I just think my role is to serve them, not to serve me. While they are so small I need to prioritise them and him. But why does it feel so horrible?

He had angina and although it's all fixed now, he is worried about dying (or at least uses that as a very powerful excuse!) so needs a few days off a week. He does usually go on holiday twice a year, with his mates, and to the gym every day for a couple of hours, but it's not ideal because he can't go whenever he wants... and then he gets stressed out and might have another heart problem.

God I feel like I'm going mental again, it's whirring around my head. I need to stop work and just focus on them. And stop being so narcissistic.

OP posts:
Interestedwoman · 15/02/2020 00:27

The fact that you've made a thread 'not allowed to work' means you know what we're all gonna say- you know this is wrong! He's not in a position to 'allow' or not allow you to do anything- you are a sovereign adult. If he tries to tell you what to do or not do, he's a controlling, manipulative arse and you'd be much happier if you LTB xxx

I just do not know what to do. Well, I guess I do... I know I need to give up work.

You know this isn't true or you wouldn't have posted this thread. It was doctor's orders that you got a job- you can't get more 'official permission' to work than that You need to stay well in order to be out of hospital and be there for your DC. To do that, you need to work for as long as that makes you feel better. xxx

Like he said, before we had kids we agreed I would stay at home but I've changed the goal posts

Nope, you didn't know before you tried it that it didn't suit you, to the extent that you don't feel you can do it and a consultant at the head of their profession agreed. That's not changing the goalpost- you had no way of knowing how you'd get on with being a SAHM, then you found out, and it wasn't for you. That's just responding to new information and a new state of play.

I've changed the goal posts and he now doesn't get any days off

If he's going to play at that game, he's changed the goalposts- it was never in the original plan that he'd have 2 days off. was it? Or have I got that wrong? Confused

he has (well, had) health issues and he wants 2 days a week off

So, he hasn't got health issues anymore? What's he doing off work? Two can play at this game. Grin

Look after your health OP and do whatever you need to do (a.k.a work) in order to maintain it, so you can be out of hospital etc for you and your DC's. That's what counts. xxx

dramaqueenforlife · 15/02/2020 00:29

I actually have no advice here but I will say please please please do not give up work. It is exactly what you need. I’m not a mother so easy for me to say but you are a hum being and to be good for your children you need to be good to yourself.

NigellaAwesome · 15/02/2020 00:30

This just doesn't add up.

Can he not see that what he is doing on the 2 days a week that you are working, is exactly what you are doing on the 3 days he is working? When were your days off?

What do the weekends look like for you? What is the division of labour like?

You are not being selfish. Work seems to have been a lifeline for you, so don't let it go.

wonderstuff · 15/02/2020 00:31

You need to keep working. Its important for your mental health and if you aren't well you can't look after everyone else.
Why do you think his needs trump yours? Doesn't sound like he's got it too bad.

Purpleartichoke · 15/02/2020 00:33

Do you have a therapist you can talk this through with?

I really don’t think the solution is for you to quit your job.

Also, please make sure you are using at least 2 forms of birth control until you know he has your best interests at heart.

Lalala205 · 15/02/2020 00:34

The angina excuse is complete bullshit. Angina can't kill you it's only a symptom that you 'may' be a higher risk of a heart attack. My grandparent developed angina at 45 and passed away at 87. I'm not saying it's not worrying and an attack is very far from pleasant, but it's a very liveable condition.

Hidingtonothing · 15/02/2020 00:37

He can't have it all his own way when the only one giving anything up will be you.

How difficult would it be financially to pay for childcare? I would work on resolving that if at all possible which will then only leave his objection of DC being too young, which is his issue to solve if it's only him with the problem, he can either give up his days off or back down and let DC go to childcare.

It's crystal clear from your post that you need your job though, please don't give it up just because it's what your husband wants, you matter too Flowers

Weenurse · 15/02/2020 00:37

This is not a partnership but a dictatorship.
You also get to meet your needs.
He needs to accept child care or stepping up him self.

Interestedwoman · 15/02/2020 00:38

He had angina and although it's all fixed now, he is worried about dying (or at least uses that as a very powerful excuse!) so needs a few days off a week

So, he's suffering from anxiety and needs to get treatment for that. And/or he's a manipulative c*nt.

it's not ideal because he can't go whenever he wants... and then he gets stressed out and might have another heart problem.

Getting a bit annoyed because you can't do something exactly when you want to do it doesn't cause heart problems- otherwise we'd all have 'em. If he goes on like this, tell him it's bollox and he needs to get treatment for his anxiety.

I need to stop work and just focus on them. And stop being so narcissistic

Focussing on your kids means maintaining your health, which includes work. If you need someone to refresh your certainty of this you could see your consultant or GP again to get them to 'give you permission' again. But you know what you were told, and you know what a big improvement work has meant for your health, and meant you could be out of hosp for your DC. It's not narcissistic, it's in their interests. Besides, it's fine to do something you enjoy- and most mums work nowadays.

Jobseeker19 · 15/02/2020 00:38

You going to work is your day off then.
Why can he have days off and you cant?
I would say to him, do you want me to have a breakdown again?

When I went back to work after being a sahm for 7 years I felt rejuvenate. Everyone said I was happier and I felt it too.

I could be a better mother because I had a break and seperate identity. He is being incredibly selfish and if I'm honest he is probably jealous of you and your new happiness.

Quartz2208 · 15/02/2020 00:39

Your role isn’t to serve them. Your work is making you happy and is part of your recovery do not give it up

How much did his cause it

Quartz2208 · 15/02/2020 00:40

And he doesn’t need a few days off a week or go on holiday with his friends

Please don’t leave your job

Justwondered90901 · 15/02/2020 00:40

Do not give up work ever for a man, ever. He will have to find a way to cope with being a dad on the days you're working.

Justwondered90901 · 15/02/2020 00:41

Also why on earth would he want you to give it up when its helping you recover? This sounds very very wrong, does he prefer it when you arent thriving?

Hidingtonothing · 15/02/2020 00:43

Just read your last post OP, I don't think it's you being selfish or narcissistic here. That sounds incredibly manipulative if he seems to use the worry that he will have further 'heart problems' to get what he wants, unless I've misunderstood?

Tombakersscarf · 15/02/2020 00:47

So between you you work one full time equivalent job? That sounds an ideal balance for you all, including the children.
You should no more change it than he should. He's lucky to have the chance to spend quality time with his baby.

notapizzaeater · 15/02/2020 00:49

He's using your mental health to get his own way

Lalala205 · 15/02/2020 00:53

So in other words he's bone fucking idle with his protests he can only work 3 days a week, as it may be detrimental to his future health if he doesn't have 2 days a week doing nothing other than suiting himself? If he's that concerned it's impacting on his health to not attend the gym, buy him a home workout dvd, job sorted! On the other hand he needs to understand this is currently effecting your mental health, and if you have to go back in to hospital he'll be doing a boat load more childcare than 2 days a week.

echobench · 15/02/2020 01:03

So it’s ok for him to go on holiday without his family twice a year and to the gym daily and you’re not “allowed” a job??!! The mind absolutely boggles. And this job is part of your needs... your DH is utterly selfish. I don’t know where you would start with someone like that. Sorry OP.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread