Not allowed to work

[Fizzypop2]

I don't know what to do. Last summer I ended up having a mental breakdown, I was on a psychiatric ward for a month. Part of my recovery plan was to get a job so I could start to feel a bit of self respect and get 'me' back again after being a sahm for 9 years. I started a new job that is two days a week and I absolutely LOVE IT. It's hard work but it's something for me... being in the work environment, having conversations with adults about normal things, work banter, a lunch break!! No nappies or cleaning or wiping snot. I've started to wear make up more and dress well and lose weight, I feel so good. I'm me again. And I'm enjoying my days at home so much more.. I'm more patient with the kids, I look forward to our meals together after school, we chat and I listen. I love it.

The problem I have is that my DH works the remaining 3 days a week because he has (well, had) health issues and he wants 2 days a week off... which he doesn't get because now he's childcare for those 2 days. The older 2 are at school so it's just the baby, but he won't have her in a nursery or childcare because of the cost and he says she's too young (9m). But he resents me so much for going back to work. Says I'm putting myself before him and before the family. I just do not know what to do. Well, I guess I do... I know I need to give up work. Like he said, before we had kids we agreed I would stay at home but I've changed the goal posts and he now doesn't get any days off.

I don't know, I'm just so sad. Devastated actually. I know how selfish I am, why can't I happily put my family first? Why am I being so selfish?

He is NOT more important than you
You are equally important

Don't give up your job !

Or find a job with different hours, that fit around your family

He sounds horrible! He doesn’t need all of this time off, he just wants it.

Any as others have said, your mental health is actually in danger now, while his is just all a “might” and a “maybe”. He’s used to having his cake and eat it, and has realised that looking after a baby is hard. Well no shit! But if he won’t look after the baby, he needs to find a way to pay for nursery.

God I feel like I'm going mental again, it's whirring around my head. I need to stop work and just focus on them. And stop being so narcissistic.

This is so sad: the only narcissist around is him!

Do not give up work OP. I was in a similar position, we'd agreed I'd be a SAHM, I desperately wanted to be one and always had. By the time DC2 was two years old I was losing the plot. I hadn't been mentally stable since her birth and had had two courses of counselling and varying medications. I was very close to a breakdown and seems to do nothing but shout at my children and cry.

I went back to work four years ago and things are so much better. I am a person in my own right again. We had some teething issues with childcare and DH being more concerned with how me working was going to impact on his "free time" as I worked weekends but he had to get over it because my mental health was not less important than his free time. It took him a while to realise that what he was doing the days I worked were the same as I was doj g the days he worked, even now we occasionally have conversations where he complains he can't get things done with them and the dog under his feet and I have to remind him that that's EXACTLY what I have to do when I'm trying to do the housework (and my actual job since the dog comes in with me) but he backs down quite quickly when it's pointed out because he wants me to be healthy and happy.

Your DH on the other hand sounds like a manipulative, selfish, idle twonk who thinks he's more important than you. If he doesn't want your wee one in nursery or you in hospital then he has to be home. It really is as simple as that and anything else is an attempt to control you.

Your DH is manipulating you OP. I know because my DH did the same in the past. He also has a heart condition and he would blame me for stressing him out, say why have all these kids if you can't look after them. Basically he wanted to be absolved of all caring duties and saw it as my job. But then he would harass me for taking time out like going for a walks, coffee breaks or outings, partly because he thought I don't financially contribute anymore and partly because he thinks that my job is just to do home jobs.I developed anxiety and depression and had a panick attack once and it hit me that if anyhting wee to happen to me my dcs would be affected. So I self diagnosed myself and knew that I needed to work for my own sanity and financial stability.

OP if he has a health problems so do you. Right now you need to put yourself and your dc 1st. Don't let him hound you. If he says he's not well and might die, he won't die from looking after his dc btw, say I might have a mental breakdown and end up in hospital. And if he still goes on about it then you need to stop giving a shit and get on with your life. If your helath isn't important to you why should his be important to you? That's how I see it.

should read if your health isn't important to him

DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR JOB!!!

There is a reason why, when a plane decompresses, they tell parents to fit their oxygen mask before helping their children. You need to ensure that you are well to be able to look after your children. Giving up work is not the answer and your health is more important than that.

His option is that your youngest goes into nursery. If he does not like that then that is his issue. He does not need to have two days off in the week with no childcare. He may say that you agreed to stay at home, but he agreed to be a parent and parenting is part of his responsibility.

He needs to grow up and parent his children for those two days (unless he wants to pay for nursery) and you need to protect yourself and your own health to be the best mum you can be for your children.

Your husband does not have a health issue that’s current. He is just lazy and controlling
He is a parent and equally responsible for his child , it’s not just your responsibility
Giving up your job would be a mistake, it sounds like it’s allowing you to find some joy & confidence in your life and integral to your MH and recovery

Does your husband not want you to recover? Is his controlling and abusive behaviour a major part of your MH health issues?

I'm so angry. Do you get 2 days off childcare and work? Why do you need to prioritise him, while he also prioritises him?? Are we in a fucking time warp? Your husband actively wants you to be mentally ill, what a champ. Fuck that. Tell him that not only will you continue to work, but you also need two days off from any responsibility or work. Your husband is an arse and a wet fish, and to be honest it sounds like you're facilitating him in bullying you by saying you're being selfish and everybody needs to prioritise the almighty husband. Nobody gets days off when you have kids and all live together, he needs to get a grip and you need to hand it to him.

He hates it that you aren't enabling his two easy days off a week even though you have none.

DON'T GIVE UP YOUR JOB. Your previous situation contributed to your mental health problems, your new situation contributes hugely to your wellness. It appears to make your partner cross that you are no longer stuck miserably unconfident at home. When you got a job, the power balance changed. A confident women who earns her own money is capable of leaving him if she so chooses. Perhaps he doesn't like that which is why you're getting the guilt tripping and manipulation. Which is precisely why you shouldn't give up the job! Also, children want and need a happy mother. If the job makes you happy, that is good for them! Sounds like he just wants you chained to the kitchen sink again full time and doesn't care at all about the effect of that on your health.

It's a horrible moment in a relationship when you realise your partner doesn't actually have your best interests at heart.