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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not allowed to work

110 replies

Fizzypop2 · 15/02/2020 00:06

I don't know what to do. Last summer I ended up having a mental breakdown, I was on a psychiatric ward for a month. Part of my recovery plan was to get a job so I could start to feel a bit of self respect and get 'me' back again after being a sahm for 9 years. I started a new job that is two days a week and I absolutely LOVE IT. It's hard work but it's something for me... being in the work environment, having conversations with adults about normal things, work banter, a lunch break!! No nappies or cleaning or wiping snot. I've started to wear make up more and dress well and lose weight, I feel so good. I'm me again. And I'm enjoying my days at home so much more.. I'm more patient with the kids, I look forward to our meals together after school, we chat and I listen. I love it.

The problem I have is that my DH works the remaining 3 days a week because he has (well, had) health issues and he wants 2 days a week off... which he doesn't get because now he's childcare for those 2 days. The older 2 are at school so it's just the baby, but he won't have her in a nursery or childcare because of the cost and he says she's too young (9m). But he resents me so much for going back to work. Says I'm putting myself before him and before the family. I just do not know what to do. Well, I guess I do... I know I need to give up work. Like he said, before we had kids we agreed I would stay at home but I've changed the goal posts and he now doesn't get any days off.

I don't know, I'm just so sad. Devastated actually. I know how selfish I am, why can't I happily put my family first? Why am I being so selfish?

OP posts:
heyday · 15/02/2020 07:23

It seems that your 'D'H is quite simply jealous that you are now happy and fulfilled. Losing weight, putting on a bit of make up, dressing nicely - he is angry that you have a separate life without him and he is furious! The fact he has two holidays a year with his mates is almost beyond belief and he begrudges you going to work 2 days a week. DO NOT give up your job please. You will become unwell, miserable and resentful if you do so. Don't just assume that childcare is too expensive. Research it thoroughly and see if there is any financial help available. If he truly wanted 2 days off a week then he could give up on the holidays and gym and that could pay for childcare. He can't stand you being happy and well. Do NOT be guilt tripped into giving up work. You are a happier, healthier woman and mother and that is priceless.

Trahira · 15/02/2020 07:27

You are 100% not being selfish here OP. He is. Please, please don't give up your job.

BuddhaAtSea · 15/02/2020 07:30

Jesus Christ, he’s done a number on you lovely. I bet you without him your mental health would improve 300%.
Don’t give up work. Sit him down and split the childcare and chores, if h DP’s my want to cover the 2 days you’re working, tell him to pay for childcare himself.

You’re being abused. Seriously.

BuddhaAtSea · 15/02/2020 07:31

*if your DH doesn’t want to cover the 2 days

Queenoftheashes · 15/02/2020 07:34

Like everyone else thinks, your husband is in the wrong here. It sounds like he doesn’t give a shit about what you need and your health and is prioritising himself. He’s a selfish manipulative hypocrite. If he can’t look after one child for two days why has he got kids and why does he expect you to every day when you’ve been unwell??

FourDecades · 15/02/2020 07:36

Do NOT give up your job. His "medical" needs do not trump yours!!

Cooper88 · 15/02/2020 07:36

Ok to start with your OH is a knob, your mental health comes first otherwise you won't be there at all and he really really won't get any days off. However saying that I am a firm believer that marriage is comprimise so with that in mind could you reduce your hours to 1 day a week, that way you still get out of the house to save your sanity and be you and he gets 1 day a week "off".

TheReef · 15/02/2020 07:45

Ok so you've been told to work to help with your mental health, you love your job, and your oh wants you to give up because he's got to parent his own children - he sounds like an absolute jem Hmm

GrumpyHoonMain · 15/02/2020 07:50

Angina is usually caused because of an unhealthy lifestyle and not stress. Tell him to take the babies with him for walks in the fresh air during his 2 Days off - might find it gets better. If he refuses leave.

IamHyouweegobshite · 15/02/2020 07:51

You have been a sahp for 9 years, that is a very long time. From the sounds of it you have had no support, emotionally or physically. How long had he worked 3 days a week? Angina is not a life limiting condition, and if he is going to the gym daily he is fit and well. However, your mental health has had a very big impact on your life, you are following doctors orders, not his, and it's working. Your mental wellbeing, confidence and self esteem are important for you and your children. Do not give into his ridiculous demands, in fact if he's this controlling I would seriously think about leaving him.

Ugzbugz · 15/02/2020 07:58

He is a narcissist and this is probably why you have been so unwell, you need to leave this pig of a lying man and get your own life, he is living the life of riley and wants you to have a dogs life and is brain washing you. Leave before he destroys you again and the children's lives because he will.

MrsMGE · 15/02/2020 07:58

Do not reduce your hours either, OP. You've already compromised by staying at home and not having any time off yourself. Do not do that. Be assertive for your own sake and to teach your children, not only if you have DS(s), but primarily your DD(s) - what your DH is trying to do is not OK and you cannot give in and sacrifice yourself.

Also on that note two things that I forgot to say earlier - you'd already sacrificed yourself in the past to the extent it made you ill. What does that say to you? Don't do that again. I don't know the full facts, is PND a contributing factor by any chance? If so, you categorically have to continue with your job as is.

Also just FYI lots of people have angina and don't manipulate their spouses to believe they can't perform their basic roles "because they might die". That is simply a lie aimed at guilt tripping you to force you to stay at home, sorry to break it to you, but he's a master manipulator.

MrsMGE · 15/02/2020 08:02

Don't know if you watched Louis Theroux's "Mothers on the Edge", bless your heart you sound like one of them and I cried my eyes out listening to their stories. The point is, all of their husbands/partners were massively supportive of them. Catch up on this on the iPlayer if you can, might be an eye opener, alongside the very consistent feedback on this thread.

CatteStreet · 15/02/2020 08:10

Cooper88, does it sound to you as if this man is interested in 'compromise'?

OP, I don't like to directly badmouth another poster, but don't listen to Cooper88. Her/his post will probably push all your female socialisation buttons, but they are what has been enabling this man you're married to to arrange things so he gets an easy life at your epense.

Don't give up work, don't reduce your hours. I find it incredibly concerning that your OP is titled 'not allowed to work'. It wouldn't surprise me in the slightest if your breakdown were related to an inability, in your vulnerable post partum state, to bear his manipulation and control any more.

He's essentially saying 'this marriage ain't big enough for the two of us'. He is saying that not only is he not prepared to do what you need in order to flourish, but that your flourishing as a real human being is an attack on him and his 'needs'. And we all deserve to be better accompanied in life than that.

Hellohello2020 · 15/02/2020 08:10

Ok, I think husband a knob has been covered enough... I think it's strange that he's treating angina/heart condition with the ability to go to the gym anytime he likes. But if that is beneficial to his health, how about suggesting activities he can do with the baby the days you work. Such as using them as a weight, lifts or on his leg, or jogging with a buggy, even going to a playground and pushing on the swings. You could even research some classes that are quite active, so music groups involve lifting, I've heard some gyms have playpens. 9 months I found to be a lovely age, I'm he can work something out, or pay for childcare...

Toomanycats99 · 15/02/2020 08:12

I work with 2 guys who had heart attacks mid fifties. Both back at work full time within about 8 months.

I don't think angina is a reason to need to do 3 days a week......

TooTrueToBeGood · 15/02/2020 08:14

Is anyone else inclined to suspect much of the OP's mental health issues may be down to her husband?

OP, he sounds vile and controlling to me and you are passively accepting him puting everything on you. He comes across as selish in the extreme and I would bet that you've been worn down by him over the years to the point where you are completely subservient, have no sense of self worth and no emotional resilience. Out of interest, do you get to go on holidays on your own? Do you even get family holidays? do you get to go to the gym daily, or even at all, or have other hobbies/interests or is it just him that gets those luxuries?

I'm really suspicious of the angina diagnosis because frankly he sounds like a heartless bastard.

Iusedtobeapartygirl · 15/02/2020 08:15

Using angina as a reason not to work is complete rubbish.

My Dad managed to work as a headteacher of a large, difficult primary school for 30 years with angina. And he's still with us now in his 70s.

Please don't give up your job. You need it and you deserve to be happy and fulfilled.

Your husband needs to look after his baby or sort out childcare.

Does he try to control you in other ways?

fuzzymoon · 15/02/2020 08:17

Use this analogy.

You're a jug of water and your children and H are glasses.

You fill their glasses with water. Whenever they are empty and need more water you go back to refill them.

Who fills your jug back up when it's empty ?

Now replace the water with the mental / emotional support you give them.

Who refills your jug ? Who makes sure you're ok ?

Your H doesn't. But work does.

If your jug is empty you can't refill their glasses and the family will fall apart.

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 15/02/2020 08:17

Ask him how many days off he thinks he’ll get if you give up work and end up in hospital for a month again.

He’s an absolute knob and you should absolutely not give up your job. In your own words The job enables you to be a better parent; why would you even consider going back to the way things were before??

BobbyBlueCat · 15/02/2020 08:25

I'm going to be blunt @Fizzypop2

You being mentally ill and in hospital for a month will have impacted psychologically long term on your children.

You say working has meant you're a better mum when you are at home and it's important your children see that and feel a sense of stability.

If you quitting work means your mental health will spiral again then it's your children that are going to be damaged the most. (And if you're hospitalised again then surely your husband will have the children on his own full time?!)

So what I am trying to say is -
What is more important to you?
Your husband's POTENTIAL health problem or your children's long-term mental health?

Barbararara · 15/02/2020 08:31

What happened when you had your breakdown? How did he manage to juggle his work and the childcare during the month you were in hospital?

gospelsinger · 15/02/2020 08:35

please stay at work. You are not being selfish, you are doing the best for your family by staying at work. Looking after his child will not kill him!

Insaneinthemembury · 15/02/2020 08:35

He goes away for several weeks a year with his mates?
He goes to the gym for a few hours ever day?
Hmm
Also, can you afford to live on one person only working 3 days?
Lastly, the heart issues for a young man who goes to the gym a lot... does he do steroids?
He just sounds like a massive knob to be honest and I bet your mental health would be in better shape if you weren't with him

Lsquiggles · 15/02/2020 08:35

Please don't leave your job! It's clearly very good for you and you are thriving, he's asking too much for you to sacrifice this.

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