Not allowed to work

[Fizzypop2]

I don't know what to do. Last summer I ended up having a mental breakdown, I was on a psychiatric ward for a month. Part of my recovery plan was to get a job so I could start to feel a bit of self respect and get 'me' back again after being a sahm for 9 years. I started a new job that is two days a week and I absolutely LOVE IT. It's hard work but it's something for me... being in the work environment, having conversations with adults about normal things, work banter, a lunch break!! No nappies or cleaning or wiping snot. I've started to wear make up more and dress well and lose weight, I feel so good. I'm me again. And I'm enjoying my days at home so much more.. I'm more patient with the kids, I look forward to our meals together after school, we chat and I listen. I love it.

The problem I have is that my DH works the remaining 3 days a week because he has (well, had) health issues and he wants 2 days a week off... which he doesn't get because now he's childcare for those 2 days. The older 2 are at school so it's just the baby, but he won't have her in a nursery or childcare because of the cost and he says she's too young (9m). But he resents me so much for going back to work. Says I'm putting myself before him and before the family. I just do not know what to do. Well, I guess I do... I know I need to give up work. Like he said, before we had kids we agreed I would stay at home but I've changed the goal posts and he now doesn't get any days off.

I don't know, I'm just so sad. Devastated actually. I know how selfish I am, why can't I happily put my family first? Why am I being so selfish?

If he doesn't get 4 days to sit around on his bum he might get an angina attack.

If you quit work you WILL have another breakdown.

No brainer really. Don't be selfish and give up work for a quiet life, prioritise the need of yoir children to have a mentally healthy mother

Please don't give up work. It's important for you, it's part of your therapy, and a mentally healthy mom is important for your children.

As a PP above said, never give up work for a man. Your DH needs to grow up.

This is bizarre. Why would he be entitled to ‘days off’ a week? And that that would trump your ability to earn?

You must keep your job. It is the priority in this scenario.

I just think my role is to serve them, not to serve me

Bullshit. You need to be happy and healthy and a person in your own right.

Your husband is a gobshite. Ask yourself how someone who is meant to love you wouldn't actively encourage your healing process and happiness.

Ffs he only works 3 days a fucking week and moans about having to parent his own fucking children! Yet still manages to go the gym every day and able to afford 2 holidays a year with mates but won't pay for nursery to enable his "days off"

As others have said, he wants his 2 child free days a week, when do you get yours.

You are NOT being selfish in wanting to work, nor are you being selfish in enjoying your part-time job. You are doing what you NEED to do, what you HAVE to do, in order to stay mentally healthy for your family.

Your dh works 3 days a week while you look after the dc.. You work 2 days a week while he looks after the dc. What happens on the other 2 days? Who looks after the dc on those days?

Have a read about coercive control. Lots of red flags in things you have said.

I also don’t think you should give up work if it is benefiting you. There is a big difference between prioritising your children and making yourself unwell serving a man who doesn’t respect you.

You don't get any days off either! Your husband is a lazy abusive prick, he ain't happy because you are getting your confidence and well being back. Do not give in to him, he is a parent and needs to step up. He was well enough to have sex without protection!

So your DH has health issues and wants two days off a week. You have health issues and get no days off a week.

Your husband is the unreasonable one. You were at home for years, became ill and have since found fulfilment in a part time job. He should be glad, not moaning!

It seems to me that your husband's attitude is a contributory factor to your mental health problems.

Stick to your guns. Most women go to work, he needs to get real.

Your husband actually wants 4 days a week off and doesn't want you to have any time without the children.
He's selfish and deliberately guilt tripping you.
He's just realised how hard it is looking after his own child.
Be assertive, tell him you are staying at work. No debate, your life has changed for the better and you deserve to enjoy it.

If he's well enough to go to the gym every day, he's well enough to go to work. And he was well enough to help you conceive a third child.
Don't give up your job! I'd be tempted to tell him that if he really is at death's door, you'll be needing the income! Except that would be feeding his hypochondria. Anyway, you don't need his permission. Enjoy your job and your freedom - and if he wants to languish like a Victorian maiden, well, leave him to it. Not very attractive,is it?

Do NOT give up work to enable a selfish prick to have days off while not giving you any time off.
Tell him he’s bloody lucky your breakdown means you need to work and earn an income two days a week instead of absolute rest while he does it all two days a week. Tell him his anxiety is controlling his life and if he wanted to fix it he’d swap a gym session for therapy. Tell him he’s lucky you don’t I did it on holidays on your own like he does and a couple hours a day to do whatever you want like he does with the gym, but the more you see how selfish he is the more you are thinking about it.
Don’t quit work op. You do owe your children something. You owe them a healthy happy mum who loves them.

'Serving' them means being well enough to do what they need, being happy enough to model good mental health first aid, and being assertive enough to let let a self-serving arsehole tell you what to do.

You need to work. So he can choose; childcare or him. But you aren't an option.

not let

He sounds like a fucking joke. Emotional blackmail. What a loser.

OP, this is shocking. You poor girl, my heart breaks for you.

First of all, you're not here to serve anyone. Full stop.

One of your roles in life is to look after your children, which you do. This is also your husband's role which he is clearly trying to avoid and pin the full responsibility on you. That is not acceptable.

You have the right to work, whether this is part of your recovery or not.

He has a duty to respect that, which he doesn't. He's in the wrong, not you.

You cannot do anything that might hinder your recovery and affect your wellbeing.

Firstly because it's not good for YOU. Secondly because it won't be good for the children. You cannot and should not resign from your job if it makes you feel better.

To me it sounds like your husband is exercising a huge amount of control over you which is entirely unreasonable and unhealthy. I find your posts very worrying and I think you need to talk about this to your therapist, friends and family - if you have supportive people around you. He is bullying you into playing a certain role which is not good for you. It's coercion. I cannot comprehend how a husband can be so selfish and dismissive of his wife's needs, especially if you were unwell and are now recovering, that is truly astonishing.

His behaviour is completely unacceptable. He's manipulating you to believe that he has the "right" to two days off, to go on holiday on his own, whereas you cannot have a career or even a break from home duties? That's just leaving me speechless! It's completely wrong!

Honestly, if that was my husband, I'd divorce him without a second thought, but I appreciate you might not be ready at this time.

You sound very vulnerable and you need to talk to a professional and people close to you. Thank you for opening up to us as a first step!

Secondly, do not give up on yourself. Do not quit your job.

Wishing you lots of strength and I hope you'll have the support you need from others to stay on the right path which I can tell you recognise deep inside. Please stick to it ❤️

So let me get this straight... he wants you to do 100% of the childcare all the time so he can have 2 days off for himself, work part time and then have another 2 days off at the weekend? But you wanting some time for yourself is unacceptable? Nah, that’s bollocks. Everything is on his terms here. He’s a parent as well and your support for him should be reciprocated. The only selfish narcissist here is him! Your role is not to serve him, please don’t think for a moment that’s a reasonable expectation. Putting yourself first is healthy and good and he should be encouraging you to go to work and doing his share of parenting. You should be a team, not a master and slave

You have to model good self-care to your children and not be a doormat. You have to teach your male children to treat women properly and your daughters to assert themselves if you want them to have happy lives.

He’s being very manipulative

He has angina, and feels he needs time off. But yet he’s fit enough to go to the gym everyday?!

No fucking way.

Don’t you dare quit your job. You need it just as much as he feels he needs it.

He has time off. He goes on holidays, he has the gym. When you do you get time off?

Please don't quit! Are you still in counseling?

How much of your breakdown had to do with you being under his thumb and him dragging you down?

Practice saying No. Stand straight and tall, look him in the eye and say No. He's using his angina to manipulate and guilt you so he can do what he wants when he wants. How is that fair to you? You're a person too!

I imagine you've cared for the 2 older DC by yourself. Let him do his fair share with this child. It won't kill him to look after his own child!

Also agree with pp about BC. It'd be good if he got the snip but I can't see that happening. Later on you could when you feel up to it.

Remember you are your own person. You weren't put on the earth just to skivvy to your DH. Enjoy your job! Spend more time with friends. Take a class. Plan a holiday for you. You're important too!

This is what I’m guessing happens.

Dh does 3 days work and 2 days sahp. 2 days off.

Op does 2 days work and 5 days sahm. No days off.

Do not quit your job. He can look after his dc on these days and enable you to return to work.

He gets 2 days a week off while your working..
Hes a parent, and that unfortunately means that days off involve looking after children, that's the decision that he made when he decided to have children and not put the youngest in nursery or child minder.

DO NOT give up your work, it has been supported by the doctor and medical professionals which frankly outrank your husbands opinion. Your health is more important your OH's ability to have a lazy few days off a week. A lot of us would LOVE a 3 day working week (weekends and 2 days in the week off) but unfortunately it's not feasible.

Do not let him bully or convince you, that you are doing something wrong, you definately are not! (I also have had very bad mental health as have ongoing conditions, so can understand how bad it can be, and how important looking after your mental health really is!).

One last time, YOU ARE DOING NOTHING WRONG. Your OH is being completely unreasonable and ridiculous though! Since when is his well managed medical condition more important then your mental health? It's not!

OP please don't give up your job. If you're not prepared to confront your DH then could you use your salary to cover childcare costs for your youngest on the 2 days a week you're working?

I suspect the only thing wrong with your health is your husband. Ditch him and you will be much better, he sounds awful. Do not give up working.

Actually lookup the definition of a narcissist please. Because I'd bet he ticks way more boxes than you do.

Honestly he has a choice, actually loads of them. But you stopping work isn't one of them. For starters DC can go into childcare if he doesn't want to look after her.

Hours at the gym, with 3 kids he is already having a laugh at your expense.