Not allowed to work

[Fizzypop2]

I don't know what to do. Last summer I ended up having a mental breakdown, I was on a psychiatric ward for a month. Part of my recovery plan was to get a job so I could start to feel a bit of self respect and get 'me' back again after being a sahm for 9 years. I started a new job that is two days a week and I absolutely LOVE IT. It's hard work but it's something for me... being in the work environment, having conversations with adults about normal things, work banter, a lunch break!! No nappies or cleaning or wiping snot. I've started to wear make up more and dress well and lose weight, I feel so good. I'm me again. And I'm enjoying my days at home so much more.. I'm more patient with the kids, I look forward to our meals together after school, we chat and I listen. I love it.

The problem I have is that my DH works the remaining 3 days a week because he has (well, had) health issues and he wants 2 days a week off... which he doesn't get because now he's childcare for those 2 days. The older 2 are at school so it's just the baby, but he won't have her in a nursery or childcare because of the cost and he says she's too young (9m). But he resents me so much for going back to work. Says I'm putting myself before him and before the family. I just do not know what to do. Well, I guess I do... I know I need to give up work. Like he said, before we had kids we agreed I would stay at home but I've changed the goal posts and he now doesn't get any days off.

I don't know, I'm just so sad. Devastated actually. I know how selfish I am, why can't I happily put my family first? Why am I being so selfish?

Your health is just as important as his health.
Make him see the positive, you are working two days so that he doesn’t have too.

How's he going to cope 7 days a week if you end up back in an inpatient unit?
Please don't give up your job, it's obviously giving you a lot of satisfaction. Can you afford to put the 9 month old in childcare? How about even two half days?

So having been so ill that you were in a psychiatric unit, and then being told working is part of your recovery (as has been shown to be the case) you work 2 days and do 5 days childcare. 3 as the sole parent at home. Yet he cannot manage to do the same?

Compromise: he does one day childcare and the baby goes into nursery / childminder one day.

Do not give up your job.

Ask yourself how much pressure / control from him led to your breakdown in the first place.

You have done really really well OP. Taken huge responsibility for your own recovery and worked hard.

Wow! He is so selfish.

Be so proud of how far you have come. You need to keep committing to looking after your MH, for your own sake and the sake of your children.

Do not give up your job or reduce your hours, it's clearly an important part of what is making you better,

Most people don't get days off when they are parents, they have DC to look after. He's being ridiculous

You call yourself narcissistic because you want to look after your health????? Sorry but your H sounds really abussive. I'd be quite tempted to leave him if I were you

He goes on holiday twice a year with his mates but won’t put that towards childcare to support you!!! why is his social life more important than you mental health. He clearly puts his health ahead of yours! Working has given you back part of yourself and help you over come an awful time.
He also sounds a little bit controlling. I also wonder if he is jealous of your recovery.

Your job is giving you so many benefits, you need to put your mental health first and keep doing it

You'll also need your own income when you hopefully divorce the knob

Yes as a parent you out your kids first, but you are doing that by working, you have said yourself in your post you are a better parent as a result of working those two days, more patience etc. Why should both you and kids suffer so he has 2 days off?! Arrange some time off for both of you in the evenings or weekends. My ‘time off’ is exercise three times a week and my husbands ‘time off’ is golf for a few hours at the weekend. Yes he will need a break too but two whole days is absolutely unreasonable!!

From the way you've written this shows you know he's being unreasonable and selfish. Do not back down, he'll have to find a way to make it work for him. Your health is as important as his.

Who looked after the kids while you were in hospital?

DO NOT GIVE UP WORK!

He either looks after the children or you use a nursery. Those are the choices.

Because: You'll also need your own income when you hopefully divorce the knob

^^This

OP are you in any kind of follow up support, therapy or counselling?

You are not selfish or narcissistic, and it sounds as if your H is seriously selfish and manipulative. He is emotionally blackmailing you. Could have a heart attack because he can’t go to the gym at a random moment of his choosing instead of waiting for you to get home

Your children have two parents. It is your equal responsibility to make sure they are OK. Your DH is not fulfilling his responsibility. And us trying to control you.

No wonder your head is whirling.

Is there a HCP you can talk to?

So basically he wants to work 3 days a week with two clear days off no childcare. You work two days a week with three days off and have to provide childcare on those three days

So I would be having the conversation with him that either he puts up and shuts up or the child goes into childcare four days a week to make it equal for you both

He obviously cannot understand the impact your mental health has on the family as a whole. And how important your job is for your recovery from illness.

He’s an idiot

There are no “days off” when you have 3 kids including s baby. Do NOT give up your job. Put the baby in nursery but keep this slice of life for you. The baby won’t be small forever and it’s only 2 days and it’s amazing you found something like this. I’ve been trying to find a decent part time job for almost 2 years and can’t get past the interviews! Keep this job.

Op. Show him this thread.

Do not give up work, he's a selfish git, he needs to watch his baby for 2 days and stop psychologically abusing you.

On holiday with his mates and to the gym for 2 hours a day? This prick is making a right mug out of you. LTB!

Tell him People don’t get days off with a 9m old. However He can have his day off but needs to pay the childcare for it. Don’t give up a job you love

Who looked after the children when you were in hospital? How did he manage then?

If I was you darling, I'd up my days to full time in preparation of the time when the scales fall from your eyes. :(

Dont even consider it an option to quit work! You matter, you have equal needs, you are important within your family. You CAN say no. You CAN say this is not going to work for me, I will not leave the job I love. He sounds like an absolute princess, he cant go to the gym when he wants so you need to quit work to accommodate that? Hell no. You're not there to serve, you created a family together. Life is fluid not stagnant, you had every right to change your mind and not be a sahm. It sounds like you've made great steps to become well again for you and your family, if he cant see that hes not worthy of you.

Your purpose is NOT to serve them. Your purpose is to love, support and help as necessary, whilst having a fulfilling life yourself. Do not cave to his ridiculous nonsense. He’s talking shit and you know it.

You are absolutely amazing!! See how far you have come from how poorly you were. Bloody well done!

Your husband is a selfish prick.

Just to give you an example - I'm a stay at home mum. Two kids 5 and 18 months, I worked before second was born. I decided not to go back to work after second was born.

Husband works Mon - Fri 8-5 but once he's home he helps with kids while I cook. He'll bath the kids while I do dishes or iron. Basically he's on kid duty playing with them, getting them drinks etc while I'm doing actual house chores. On weekends we split house chores and kids equally....he'll cook and I'll do dishes afterwards etc.
We don't get a proper day of work/house chores/kids unless it's planned in advance and we can get someone to babysit. But we do give each other breaks like I'll pop upstairs for an hour with a book or have a long bath or pop out to tow on my own.

Your partner sounds selfish. He only works 3 days....
If you've been out of work 9 years he's probably just gotten used to you doing everything everyday. No idea why women do that and become the house servant.

Please don't quit work, it's making you feel amazing which is good for your children. You only work 2 days anyway so your partner really needs to quit moaning at you!

You aren't just wife/mother/housekeeper you are YOU dont forget about you!

God this has made me furious, not with you OP, but with your useless, selfish, uncaring, unsupportive man child of a husband.

Why on earth do you think your place is bottom of the pile, to serve everyone else like a bloody handmaiden? Because you have a vagina? Because he’s trained you to believe your nothing but a household appliance?
Sorry if I sound angry with you, I’m not, I just can’t get past how uncaring this man is, how selfish. He’s meant to love you, to care for you, to care about you, but it’s all about him and how his life needs to be as easy as possible for him. What on earth do you even love about him?