Husband grieving for OW

[Filly2011]

Anyone had experience of this?
Husband had 14 month affair with woman at work. Told me about it when she finally dumped him in favour of her husband. DH says he wants to keep marriage and willing to work at it. After months of counselling he now admits he is very upset as still loves her and knows he’s lost her. I feel very cut up by this. Can’t stop thinking about it.

Put the house up for sale.

Don't tell him.

Filly, I want to share with you how a family members life developed after her husband of over 30 years had an affair with her best friend. Her ExH left her and moved in with her best friend and neighbour.
He simply moved into a new life, one door down the road. (that is lazy AF affair-ing right?) The houses are freestanding, so when she sat in her kitchen, having dinner, her view was straight into the OW living room seeing them together every day.

She was without a career or job, her best friend was the OW and her kids were teenagers and busy with themselves. She was without support and kind of fell apart. The ExH threatened to take the house from her, and thats when she kicked into to action - first she found herself a SHL and kept their house. OW and ExH moved away from next door eventually.

She retrained and had a career quite late in her life. Her bussiness dis really well and she was able to support both her kids through university, whilst ExH wiggled out of financial responsibilities.

She rebuilt her life and I don't think it was easy, but she did it.

Now in her sixties she travels with her kids (we do 3 generation family holidays once a year)
She also travels alone - she joined a senior hiking group and they hiked up the Machu Picchu. She goes on little weekend trips with her grand children. She visits us in the UK regularly, she loves her city breaks!
She recently got a dog and she usually goes everywhere on her bicycle and the dog runs with her. She loves gardening and cooking and I feel she is quite busy all the time.

She also has new relationships but I think she simply has shaken off the firm idea that she 'needs' a man - something she believed in before.

She built herself a completely new life, and whilst I'm sure it was very hard then, she now seems very happy and fulfilled.

I know you can do the same, you sound strong and lovely and you deserve much more than that git of a husband.

I think you’re doing amazing OP. None of this is easy, but you’re getting there. It will take time but I think you’re on the road to fabulous

@abitlostandalwayshungry, what an amazing story! I love examples like these.

OP you're going to be so much better without him.

Blimey!! I don’t know what I’d do If dh and ow lived next door. Arson probably!
That poor woman.
I just don’t understand how somebody’s friend could do this. If a bloke at work started moaning about his wife to me I’d tell him to talk to her about it. I wouldn’t say - oh yes she’s a bitch let me come over and comfort you in her very own bed!

Only a fucking cow would do that.

I love a good podcast

"Emotional freedom is a homecoming to your own heart and fullest power. It salutes authenticity, not conforming to someone else's notion of what to feel or how to be." —Dr. Judith Orloff, author of the New York Times bestseller Emotional Freedom: Liberate yourself from negative emotions and transform your life (2009)

this series of podcasts for older women. I can always find something in here that leaves me feeling wiser, calmer, stronger

wine

Once again. Thanks so much.
I really like “his behaviour does not determine your worth”.

One of the things that’s really upsetting me is that OW now safely back in her old life with her dh, swanning about at various ‘dos’ with him, and interacting with mutual friends as if she has done nothing. And my dh still sad that she dumped him.

I know I shouldn’t care or think about this but it really cuts. In an ideal world she’d be too ashamed to stick her head above the parapet!

Please don’t tell me off for this. I know I shouldn’t be thinking about her and I am trying, but the thought of dh cuddling her and watching telly with her and shagging her in my bed is tearing me apart. I wish there was a magic formula for forgetting all this crap. It would be easier if she didn’t know my friends and family I guess.

You really have no ideas what is going on behind the scenes. A fb picture is not the full picture . It is the picture they are painting to the world. Without question an affair damages a relationship

In an ideal world she’d be too ashamed to stick her head above the parapet!

In an idea world she'd have kept her legs closed and he'd have kept his pants on.

I don't blame you for having all of these obsessive thoughts circling in your head - it's very early days, and you have been horribly betrayed.

But as others have suggested - get rid of your bed - move into another bedroom - move house - do something to dissociate from their shagging activities.

Yes I have changed bedroom, bed etc. It was the first thing I did.

I’ll be ok now. I’m just having a wobble.

Oh - sorry Filly - I'd missed that.

Are you managing to sleep a bit better in the other room. When your mind is churning like this, actually falling and staying asleep can be an absolute bugger!

It's such a shame that we can't switch our feelings off when we find the people we've invested in aren't worth the steam off our piss.

Zip lucine is my friend!

Or Zopiclone even!

Daughter bedroom is now my room - well mine and the dog’s!

What is there keeping you in your area? Presumably your job? Is there a chance of a move away.

I hope you cancelled your couples therapy today. It won't help and your individual counsellor will be so much more useful.

Yes no couples thing. My job is here. Also house is joint asset. I might move eventually but I don’t want massive upheaval yet until I feel stronger ifswim.

About zoplicone... I understand the need to get a good night's sleep, particularly if you have a challenging job to get up for in the morning, but this can so easily become a habit.

I'm not sure whether you've mentioned whether you are on antidepressants. I found Cymbalta, coupled with a herbal sleeping aid (Valerian) as needed, a better way of coping. The AD calmed down my anxiety, stopped me from ruminating obsessively, and basically keeps me on an even keel - which in turn reduces fidelity trauma induced insomnia.

When all else fails I listen to a recording of the shipping forecast on continuous loop. "The shipping forecast issued by the Met Office, on behalf of the Maritime and Coastguard Agency, at 05:05 (UTC) on Thu 20 Feb 2020 for the period 06:00 (UTC) on Thu 20 Feb 2020 to 06:00 (UTC) on Fri 21 Feb 2020. There are warnings of gales in all areas except Trafalgar .The general synopsis at midnight. Low just southeast of Iceland 946 expected 200 miles east of Iceland 957 by midnight tonight. The area forecasts for the next 24 hours. Viking. Southerly becoming cyclonic then westerly or southwesterly later, 5 to 7, occasionally gale 8. Rough or very rough. Rain or showers. Good, occasionally poor. North Utsire, South Utsire. Forties.... Tyne. Dogger. Fisher. German Bight..."

I wouldn't guarantee her life is all roses op- social media is one thing, real life is another.

Hi OP,

I am so late to your post and am sorry to read what you have been going through.

He is just so cold and callous, but it is easier to shift the blame that accept faults. BUT one day the reality is going to creep in for him, and then it is too late. By that point you will already be on your freedom journey, and I doubt you will look back and think you made the wrong decision to get your freedom.

I have been in a very similar situation and yes it does feel like your whole world has just come crashing down. The sad thing is though, is that it is left to you to make the decisions now. This i found very very unfair. I did not have the affair, I was just living married life as i had always done, seemingly happy. Then one day I was faced with making the hugest decision of my life. Through no fault of my own. It is just not fucking fair!

One of the things that’s really upsetting me is that OW now safely back in her old life with her dh, swanning about at various ‘dos’ with him

I just have to comment on this OP. What you see and what is reality is two very different things. He knows what she did. He is most probably putting on the brave face and trying to cover up her wrong doing as this too affects his life. But how long can he keep that brave face for?

Congratulations on your huge step of driving to the shops and sorting out your parking arrangements. You may think this was a very small thing but it is really huge. It is the beginning of your new free you.

Thank you!
The shipping forecast is so soothing and I also have found the Archers Omnibus quite a good soporific.
Isthismylifenow what you say about the unfairness is spot on! It makes me so angry. I feel like dh has done all this and now expects me to sort it all out. He gets his nervous breakdown etc, OW gets her old life back and I get - the anxiety, pain, worry, rage etc etc oh and the tainted house.
Thanks a bunch dh.

You need to be kind to yourself. It's still early days. The thoughts will pop into your head, acknowledge them, tell yourself they're both twats who deserve a good dose of the clap and physically get up and do something positive.