If your oh of two years tells you he is very selfish..

[supersonicspender]

And is not sure about having children in the future, wwyd?
I would like a child or two. I am in late twenties. He is mid thirties. Otherwise the relationship is perfect .

There needs to be kindness, support, respect (that’s a really big one), openness, the same or similar values etc

I couldn't agree more.
I loves having you look after him. Great, he has found someone to do all the work so he doesn't have to

if I did all of that for my dh when we were dating, he would have felt uncomfortable that we were not an equal partnership.

he will have his nose so badly put out of joint if a baby enters the picture, and not only will he be cross that you have stopped doing it all, he will not step up and give you the support and help you need at that time either.

Everyone likes to be cared for and have people do things for them but it needs to be a two way street.

There have been many threads over the years where women want dc and men don’t and also many where they have dc but the men remain as selfish as ever. He has at least told you. But in telling you a few years down the line he will always say, well I told you I was selfish, it’s his excuse and his get out of jail free card.

This man is not good for you or your already low self esteem.

You may enjoy looking after him now but you might feel differently after 10 or 15 years of doing it especially if you’ve given up children for the “privilege” of looking after him.

What’s appealing about a 35 year old man who needs to be looked after and describes himself as selfish and wants to be in charge in bed... personally I’d run a mile.

I have to say I think your relationship history is making you settle for far less than you deserve.

I don't think this guy has done anything wrong, maybe there is a bit of a one way caregiving dynamic in the relationship but it seems to work for both of you so that's fine. However whether he is selfish or not is neither here nor there, you want children and he doesn't do sadly you are incompatible. He could be the nicest, most giving person around and you would still be incompatible.

Thecatfromjapan's post at 07:34 is absolutely spot on.

There's no happy future in this for you OP.
The is one of the guys who will wait until you hit menopause then leave for someone younger and possibly have kids with her.

Don't let him run out your clock.

“I'd thank him for letting me know and end the relationship, as I wouldn't want to give up having children for a selfish man.”

How the fuck is a man not wanting kids selfish?!

That’s like saying some is selfish for wanting kids.
People want different things from life, stop being pathetic

I just don't understand. You know he's selfish from observing him in action. He knows he's selfish and has told you this. You want a child but you know that a selfish parent would be very unfair on the child. He doesn't want a child, citing his selfishness.

You clean his house when he's not there. He does whatever he wants, without running anything past you.

Are you REALLY thinking of giving up your chance of children to live with this selfish man? What will happen when he moves on to someone else (which he will) and you are too old to have children?

OP, you sound like a lovely person, but you come across as being incredibly naive.

I used to be like you. I would put all the work into my relationships, thinking that was all that was needed, for me to love these selfish, spoilt, childish arseholes enough, while they busied themselves with their friends and their hobbies, occasionally checking in with me for a background shag. Lucky me, eh.

If you really want kids, then look for a decent bloke to do that with. This guy is REALLY not the one for you. Please wake up now before it’s too late.

There was no one to tell me I was good enough. I wish I’d found mumsnet sooner.

I’m very likely too old to have kids now, after my string of losers. If I ever go near a man again it will be too soon.

Listen to us, love. You are young enough to find someone better. You seem like a good, kind person. Don’t waste anymore time on this one, because the years slip away in the blink of an eye.

I think you will regret staying with him long term. My friend stayed with her partner for 13 years, he left, she in her late 30's. Now she feels she doesn't have much time to meet the right one and have kids.

You are still in 20's so plenty of time to meet someone who does want children with you, and who will be a devoted father. Better to know this now rather than when too late.

I don’t think you should stay unless you can categorically know in your heartthat you don’t want children at all. Otherwise 8 years down the line you could still be in an identical situation. However much you love him, if you wanted a child and he didn’t, you would feel something was missing, what happens then if the relationship ends(and the majority do) and you were then past that point ? Selfishness that’s admitted to is often very very selfish, because lots of men who are ‘somewhat selfish’ wouldn’t ever admit to it. These habits rarely get better.

I don’t think you should stay unless you can categorically know in your heartthat you don’t want children at all. Otherwise 8 years down the line you could still be in an identical situation

I agree. In 8 years you will be mid 30s with your biological clock ticking away. He will be earning well, not having to spend any time or money on domestic labour. He will move up the property ladder, get a better car.

He will be out with his mates , having fun while you stay at his home and clean his house. He will let you know when he requires you for sex. You still won’t be living together.

You of course will still have your own rented flat and your part time, not very well paid, undemanding job. You won’t have much of a social life or friends of course as you need to be free whenever he wants to see you.

You will urgently want a commitment and children, but he will say “ hey babes, don’t we have fun just the two of us? Don’t try to tie me down. I never promised you anything , did I? Ive always been honest with you. “

You will get more angry and worried as time passes. Then he will find a younger and less angry women to clean his house and do as she is told in bed.