If your oh of two years tells you he is very selfish..

[supersonicspender]

And is not sure about having children in the future, wwyd?
I would like a child or two. I am in late twenties. He is mid thirties. Otherwise the relationship is perfect .

Could a baby change him

No. And please don't even consider using a small life to manipulate the situation, ffs.

For me personally this would be a deal breaker. At 35 I would assume he knows his own mind and is unlikely to change, and I would never have given up having kids for any man. Of course, you may make a different decision if having kids isn't that important to you. Either way, it's good that he's been honest with you so you can make a decision now.

That's not why I asked @AFistfulofDolores1. I wanted to know from posters experience of selfish men change after a baby comes along.i could count ten men on my fingers right now who are selfish as men and have kids.
I dont know what they're like as
Fathers though. They keep up there hobbes and social lives however. Their partners not so much.

From bitter experience, if you want kids then get out now before it’s too late.

A child will not change him. He would do tremendous emotional harm to a child he did not want. You can’t have him and a child. Get out while you are still relatively young.

But OP, what's the point of asking if a baby could change him as he doesn't want one? I could understand you asking if he was selfish and wanted a baby, and you wanted to ask whether it would be sensible to go ahead or not. But if he doesn't want a baby then it's irrelevant, as you won't be having one with him.

i could count ten men on my fingers right now who are selfish as men and have kids.
I dont know what they're like as Fathers though. They keep up there hobbes and social lives however. Their partners not so much.

Ask yourself, what are those women’s lives like? Is that the life you want?

I don’t know any selfish men who changed after having DC. I do know a couple of selfish fathers. One spends much of his time in the pub or watching sport while his wife looks after the DC. The other recently had an affair while his wife had a newborn.

Could a baby change him

Of course a baby would change him, suddenly he would be able to sprint faster than Usain Bolt, do a better disappearing act than Harry Houdini and have more books dedicated to finding him than "Where's Wally?"

He is not adamant but doesn't think that's what he wants

Sorry but it sounds like he doesn't want kids with you OP, you are nice and convenient for now but he sees no long term ties to you and how are you "almost" living together? That just means you don't live together and to be honest I would not live with him at all. Let him be selfish on someone else's time.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. I do not also think he adores you half as much as you apparently adore him (this man's priority is him and he alone). Do not sacrifice your own ideals re children for this man.

What is there to love about this man?. He admits to you that he is selfish (he certainly is that) and is absolutely ambivalent at the very least about children. I notice too he has not mentioned marriage to you either. When someone tells you who they are it pays to listen!!!!.

I would end the relationship, painful as it could be for you to do so. If you want children and he does not there is a fundamental disconnect here in the relationship that cannot be resolved. Do not ever make this particular individual a father and do not continue to sell yourself so short in relationships.

I agree with Chuckle. The absence of surety means he knows he doesn’t want children with you. He is also telling and showing you that you will not be a priority in his life.

He just wants a girlfriend and if you move in, you will just one a girlfriend. He is telling you now so you don’t get any ideas. Or any more ideas than you already have.

OP if it is any help, I was adamant I did not want children.

Then, I got into a relationship with a divorced father of 2, who had had the snip. I was in my 20s and he was 40.

That concentrated my mind so much. I realised that I did want to have children and did not want to be someone's life companion who had already had the chance of living his life, ie it was not the relationship I wanted for the rest of my life.

I suppose mine was more clear cut than yours, as I (possibly) he 'might' change his mind in the future.

But that is quite a gamble.

He is being open and honest about the fact he doesn't want kids, so if you choose to stay with him, this isn't something you can throw in his face further down the line. It is a very hard decision (and one I am in middle of thinking about myself).

For me, I don't think I want children, but I am worried that I might change my mind. I'm 29 but I know a lot of women have them in their mid 30s now. So right now, staying with my partner is the right thing to do, but at the same time I don't want to risk changing my mind then resenting him for it, or making the breakup even harder .. but nor do I want to finish with him, and then never end up really wanting a baby anyway!! :(

If you're not living together, I would cut and run.

I'm not saying this to be mean, but has he suddenly decided to tell you this after 2 years? Sounds like he's looking for an "out" without looking like the bad guy.

I left a man I’d been with for 10 years because he didn’t want w child.

It was more important for me and I realised that I wanted children more

It became a deal breaker for me

If he’s selfish. He won’t change. Nothing will change him. You’ll be doing EVERYTHING and trust me. On 3 hrs sleep in 4 days. You’ll want that help. I would leave now

Baby or no baby, living with a selfish man will be soul destroying.

Come on OP. Don’t be dense. However attached and attracted you are to this man he is selfish and that means he can never be a truly wonderful partner or even a half decent one.

The drip drip drip of it will manifest as cruelty over time.

Move on.

Not one person has said to stay with him.......

A selfish person will adore no one but themselves. Ever. Even if you stay together and don't have kids the selfish bit of him won't be adorable for much longer.

He is not sure. He told me this at the start of the relationship. There has been no change to his unsurity.
I stay at his a few nights per week and those days too when I'm not working.
I need to decide whether I want him more than kids.

It sounds like some joint counselling might be a good idea? Not necessary to try and change his mind but to help you make a decision. And agree that he has done right thing to tell you.

I see that nobody thinks I should stay .

All you can do, is set the boundary that this is a very important issue for you (by leaving).

If he chases you, then you know he is prepared to move from his position and you have your relationship with promise and hope.

If he doesn't (accepts you are gone, moves on quickly), you have your answer.

Either way, leaving is the right thing to do.

What’s he like if his wants or needs conflict with yours. E.g. if he had a friends night out booked, but you had an emergency and needed his help?

What’s he like if get ill? Does he look after you or does he tell you to call him when your better?

If you had some bad news how much would he support you?

What’s he like if you say no? Say he bought the both of you tickets to something but you didn’t want to go, how would he react?

How long have you been together OP?

My DH is naturally very selfish. I envy him for his ability to put his needs first and foremost.

However as a partner, it's not an attractive quality.

I know you love him, but sometimes that really isn't enough.

That's not why I asked - But it is, really, isn't it? You're doing a bit of ducking and diving to try and reassure yourself that he could change. I think you know the answer, but you're not ready to see it.