If your oh of two years tells you he is very selfish..

[supersonicspender]

And is not sure about having children in the future, wwyd?
I would like a child or two. I am in late twenties. He is mid thirties. Otherwise the relationship is perfect .

@supersonicspender, my STBXH told me this continually and he was right! Sadly it took me over 20 years to find out. And I have no kids. You might ask yourself why that might be! His brother did the same to his ex-wife and she has no kids. Both men moved on to women with grown up families. Run for the hills, you cannot change him, and you will end up having to rebuild your life when it may be too late for children. Please ignore the fact that you love him. The selfishness will show itself in other ways too, and you will find yourself putting his needs first all the time. You might be doing that already (in fact I can tell from your posts that you are). Don’t make my mistake.

I think you need to take him out of the equation for a moment. What would a happy life without children look like to you? No-one can guarantee that their relationship will last forever. Nor is it a good balance if one of you gives up something core to be with the other.

One of my close friends has never wanted children but her husband did. She's the reason he considered a child free life but she's not the reason it works. Their life includes lots of amazing travel adventures, he's pursuing a career he loves and has hobbies he enjoys. If she left him, he'd be devastated because he loves her but he wouldn't think not having children ruined his life.

Personally, I would definitely leave him and look for someone with the same life goals and priorities as me, which includes having children. Depends if it's a deal breaker for you personally but he's been honest so listen to him and don't expect him to change his mind.

I can't link posters to specifically c threads but I can answer some questions.
He is a tender bf and when I'm unwell he minds me very well.
He has cancelled boys nights out if I have been sick.
I've never said no to something he has organised for us so I do not know how he would react.
We are together two years.

He may be a lovely boyfriend but that doesn’t change the fact that he doesn’t want DC and he (by his own admission) is a selfish person.

As you are in your late 20s, you have time to find someone who is just as lovely as your OH but does want children. He is not the only man out there.

It comes down to do you want children?

If yes then talk to him. If he’s still saying no he’s too selfish then you have a decision to make.

There are millions of men in the world but your kids are your kids.

He feels like the only man out there.
I've had the bad luck of attracting a line of horrible bastards and he is the first stable one.

He’s selfish
He lies
He doesn’t want kids
Stop trying to convince yourself, walk away.

You have nothing to lose going to joint counselling I think it would help you make a decision.

I wouldn't say he's selfish not wanting kids. I think that's harsh and unfair.

@JKScot4 he hasn't lied . He is honest

@supersonicspender
he gives silly excuses not to meet me if he just wants time alone, rather than be truthful
I think that’s lying.
You are only in your late 20s, cut your losses, he’s not the prize you think he is.

You know the answer already. So sorry, this is so difficult. Taking the children out of the question, could you be with a selfish man for the rest of your life?
I couldn't. Successful marriage is about putting your partner ahead of yourself and as you both do this you end up with an equal loving relationship.

I agree he's been honest OP. It really is as simple as asking yourself whether this relationship is (for you) worth having no children.

Yes I know you said you were 20s . I meant be grateful he’s telling you the age you are now not 35 when your fertility is dropping and little time to find a new partner. You want kids and can meet someone who does while you are fertile.

You sound like you are hoping he will change if a baby comes. He’s made it quite clear he doesn’t want one and why. He’s 35 knows how he is. You don’t even live together. If you are going to leave now is time while you are young and not financially entwined. Don’t hang on hoping then split in 10 years time when the window for easily having a baby has passed.

He feels like the only man out there.
I've had the bad luck of attracting a line of horrible bastards and he is the first stable one.

I understand and sorry you’ve had bad relationships in the past.
But now that you know what a good relationship looks like, you’re in a much better position to find another one next time. Only next time with someone who wants kids (which statistically is most people).

It does feel like you are clinging to this relationship despite a clear incompatibility on the subject of DC. (Plus I agree with a pp who said it seems like you are keener on him than him on you.) I can understand why, given you’ve had a history of nasty men. But the fact he isn’t a bastard isn’t a good enough reason to give up having children, or to have them with him knowing he won’t pick up his share.

When someone tells you who they are, believe them.

this ^ wot @BertieBotts said

How else do you notice his selfishness?

However you feel about having children, it's really not much fun sharing your life with someone who is genuinely selfish, as in 'consistently puts their own desires above yours'. It's much nice if you can each sometimes put the other persons well-being and/or desires about your own.

Is he really expecting you always to go along with what he wants what about what you want?

It might seem unlikely now, but as people get older, they do often become more selfish or at least more constrained by ill health. If he starts out selfish, what might he end up like

You have already noticed that he sometimes makes plans without taking you into consideration. This is a very bad sign. It's really not how anyone should have to live

Do try saying 'no' sometime , just to see what happens.

the first stable one.

Think about it as a progression, your taste is improving. Keep looking and firm someone who is kind. They are the best kind.

A selfish man is not going to be a good Dad.

Having a baby changes the relationship between 2 people. It takes patience, selflessness and a lot of luck to survive pregnancy and the first year.

Take his "not sure" as a no. I suspect that he says not sure because he wants you to stay but the longer you stay, the harder it is to leave and you don't want to be mid 30s and starting again.

The stuff about pretending not to need his own time is juvenile crap and very immature.

He's telling you that he's selfish as it's a Get-Out-Of-Jail-Free card for when you get annoyed that his thoughtlessness. If you became pregnant and had a baby, he's basically saying that he's not going to do shit or change his life. Regardless of whether or not you have a baby, this is not long-term relationship material

How people are in their thirties is how they are. But it gets somehow more...concentrated, as they get older. What is charmingly self-centred when he's 35 will be maddeningly self-serving and ignorant when he's fifty. If he's learned to go his own way, do his own thing, with you towing along behind like a compliant little dinghy, he will continue to do it. And you won't find it quite so easy to go along with as you also get older.

Just a heads' up.

I'm not being in denial but is it not ok for him or I to make plans without consulting the other. Truth be told, I don't have the disposable cash that he has so my social scene in s limited in comparison to his.
He doesn't consult me if he wants to go to an away game or beers with his work mates he lets me know when he'll be back or if he was up to meeting that night after.
I let him know when I'm working and not free

But you've said he organises dates without discussing it with you. Do you just mean he goes off and does his own thing (which is not necessarily bad) or that he organises things for both of you without asking you (which is actually quite bad, even if you are the sort of woman who likes a man to 'take control'. There's taking control and there's taking control if you see what I mean)?

When you have a baby, you have to somebody else first all the time, not when it suits or because you feel like it. He is incapable of doing that and has told you that.

IF you did have a baby and you are left holding the baby, ALL THE TIME he will say "I did tell you'.

Yes, I'd be fine with a guy who arranges to go out with his mates and lets me know of the arrangement.

I wouldn't be fine with a guy who doesn't know if he wants kids because that (for me) would be a deal breaker.

Wow. People are really determined to trash the boyfriend here.