If your oh of two years tells you he is very selfish..

[supersonicspender]

And is not sure about having children in the future, wwyd?
I would like a child or two. I am in late twenties. He is mid thirties. Otherwise the relationship is perfect .

How long do I give it then?He won't commit to a certain decision yet

You could give it another 2 years or 20, and he might never know. But If it's the latter, it's a done deal anyway as you won't be able to have kids.

He doesn't sound all bad OP. He says selfish, but he's shown he looks out for you with his actions taking care of you when you're ill. I wouldn't move in with him if you don't want the same things though.

I'm 41. Currently pregnant with our 2nd having our 1st at 39. I never woke up and felt ready, always doubted my ability to be a mum. But there's a big difference between fear and self doubt and not actually wanting to have a family. And it would absolutely be a deal breaker for me.

I think you have to make a call based on what is right for you. He cannot tell you that he wants children. So make the decision based on that he does not.

He’s quite selfish. He makes odd excuses when he doesn’t want to see you. You don’t live together yet. He doesn’t respect your time as much as his. But you love him, and you’ve said you have fun together. So you have to weigh up if that’s enough to make you stay, if it means you don’t have a family...

Or you prioritise a family, and find someone who is less selfish, who wants kids as much as you do. It’s not always easy, but there are good men out there.

Don’t wait for him to make a decision so that you can make yours afterwards. It’ll waste everyone’s time. He’s got a vested interest in not giving you a final call - he’ll lose you if he does. He’s already told you that he’s selfish. He’ll be thinking about him here... he’s told you that he’s not sure, so that he can tell you that he warned you.

He also decides when he is free to meet me because he gives silly excuses not to meet me if he just wants time alone, rather than be truthful and tell me he needs time alone.

this is lying it is not that it is not OK to arrange to met his friends without you or without consulting you ir that he needs to be with you all the time, or vice versa but it is that he lies when he needs down time instead of just saying for example" i've been out 3 nights this week and we're going out 2 days at weekends I just want to chill and watch tv tonight by myself"
wanting time alone is fine i'm married and i still need time alone sometimes but for any relationship to work long term ( with or without children) there are times when you have to be selfless and put other person first when it doesn't fit what you want there needs to be give and take whether you marry or not there will be difficult times
the sickness health wealth/ poor thing
one of you could get sick or injured or disabled before old age; one of you could be made redundant or because of sickness be unable to work again, there could be trauma in either or your families a bereavement etc etc, no one needs to be in a relationship with a doormat or martyr or be so joined at the hip you can't have seaparate activites but you do need to know that when things go wrong in life as they inevitably will that they will support you and have your back long term if necessary and that you would do the same for them

He is truly caring and I think I can count on him to be there for me when the chips are down.
I have a long term minor illness but it debilitates me here and there and he is very good. He always listens to me when I'm sad or upset too and makes me feel comforted. Overall I am happy in my relationship. It's not perfect but it's the child issue that bothers me. He is 35 and Inthink he should know by now. His thoughts haven't changed in two years. I think we need a serious chat.
He is happy with us and I am
a kind and adoring girlfriend.Ive probably given myself over to him more than him to me but that is how I am, all in.
He appreciates everything I do for him .. cooking, cleaning.I am a clean freak and so is he..Keeping his house tidy.I know he values this and appreciates it and he likes to keep house too.

So you have your own house but go over to his place and do his housework and cooking ? Is that when he’s away/ out with his mates ?

I've never met a man who was not extremely selfish.

At least he is honest

When he is at work and I am not.I have my own place but spend plenty of at his so I don't mind cooking and cleaning when he is not there. When we are at my house he will clean after himself or after I've cooked. It's equal.

None of what you're saying matters OP, at all.

What if you loved him?

So what?!

You have a clear choice. You either want kids or you don't. If you do then you need to find someone else. It's that simple. You can bang on about all this other stuff all you want, it doesn't change anything.

Do not under any circumstances oops him thinking he'll change. He won't and you'll be left holding the baby on your own.

Have you discussed moving in together ? Getting married ? Have you met his family ?
I watched a good friend hanging around for years hoping the man she adored would ask her to marry him and have children . He didn’t. By the time they split she was too old to have children and is a very sad person .

That's a sad story @Oldbutstillgotit .
I am very involved with his family. They are like my family. The only issue we have is the baby issue.he is an adoring uncle and so fabulous with my nieces and nephews but he seems satisfied with that. He is a home bird but a free spirit.

I would definitely not move in with him until or unless he decides he does want children. That is your 'serious'. If he isn't ready/ is too selfish for that then keep it casual. He runs the risk of you meeting so.eone who is serious about a future with you with terms you do find acceptable though. If that's too hard then you have to choose but if you want kids the biological urge will trump whatever feelings you have and you will end up resenting him ( hence easier not to move in).

I can't get past you wanting a relationship with a selfish man who is happy for you to clean his house. Why would you want to give up your life plan for someone who you think is selfish? That is a very unattractive quality

OP stop spending your spare time being his cleaner.

Use that time to work more hours and get promoted. Or study for qualifications so you can get a better job.

If you still have spare time after that, get a new hobby or volunteer.

Stop hanging around his place like a wet blanket doing his chores and expecting him to be grateful. I’d be mad if my 20 something daughter was wasting her life doing this.

He can pay for his own cleaner. You go off and have fun. You might even meet someone who has the same life goals as you.

I really like doing what I do . We are so happy. It's the child issue that's killing me. Imhappy in my work and Im happy with what I'm doing for him. He is kind to me too.

One thing to be very aware of is that there will be a point when you can’t have children any more but he can.

I know quite a few women who decided that they were willing to sacrifice children for their partner / husband. And then they got to 40 and hubby decided he did want kids after all. With the nice nubile, fertile 25 year old from his office.

Having children is something you both need to be on board with 100% and after 2 years then you should be making those plans to move in/get married/have children. I don’t think he’s the one to do this with.

I don’t think he’s done anything wrong here (although the making weird excuses not to see you is silly). He is entitled not to want kids. There’s nothing wrong in that. You’re entitled to want them. There isn’t a compromise though.

I’m on the other side of this in that there is someone I like, who has feelings for me, we’re not dating but we’ve discussed getting together, however he wants kids. I don’t. So I’m not even going to entertain the idea of dating him. It’s a shame, as I’d like to. But I don’t think having a baby would ‘change’ me, I think it would ruin my life. I’m selfish and I’m fine with that. Sounds like he’s similar

You stated that you’ve had bad luck of attracting a line of horrible bastards. Sadly for you this man is really a continuation of this crap line. He may well be different from the others but he is merely say a grade 6 loser rather than a grade 8 one . Abusers come in all shapes and sizes

I asked you what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up. It’s no coincidence that you’ve been in repeated abusive relationships and your boundaries, already messed up by previous ill treatment and abuse, are becoming further eroded by this selfish man now. A man who regards you really as girlfriend cum glorified housekeeper, if you tidy his house then he does not have to do it. He really does think that little of you and he being supportive re you having long term health problems does not make him some sort of better person either. Please love your own self for a change and rebuild your life without him in it

He is happy, you are not. Do not let this man be the hill you die on

What @Double3xposure and @AttilaTheMeerkat said.

How long do I give it then?He won't commit to a certain decision yet. ... The only issue we have is the baby issue

I'll be blunt: he is stringing you along. You are the she will do for the time being girlfriend. You are just one piece on the chessboard of his life. Whereas he is the total focus of yours.

You've been together 2 years, but the relationship doesn't appear to have any emotional depth. You are focused on him not wanting a baby, but what seems more important is that he is still quite detached and not truly emotionally engaged. It's all very well adoring each other and having a fabulous time, but where is the deeper connection? I think your desire to have a baby is clouding your vision.

You could hang on for years, only to find that he calls it a day. And finds someone else. Men like him often do, usually around the age of 40.

You have plenty of time for babies. You'd be better off focusing on building a career and doing the things YOU would like to do, instead of constantly falling in with his plans and waiting for him to have time for you. And for goodness sake stop doing his cleaning!

Wow Mumsnet. Everything a man does is interpreted in a negative light. And I say that as a somewhat 'manhating feminist'.

That is not true

The general consensus of this thread seems to be that the op is being strung along. Op here is unhappy because she is with a selfish man.

She keeps saying she is not unhappy...

You should read 'John' by Cynthia Lennon, OP.

It's a breathtaking read.

To my modern eyes, it's the story of a woman in a relationship with a deeply selfish, deeply troubled man. The story of what a woman tells herself about love (with the connivance of society's sexist expectations for women,) that keeps her giving and giving - and sacrificing her own one, good life - to support that relationship.

It's a grim read.

And then, right at the end, she asks herself if it was all worth it.

And she says, 'No.'

It's utterly grim.

Don't be Cynthia.

No-one in a relationship between two adults should be 'coming first'.

Relationships between two adults shouldn't be a competition.

The reason the child thing is coming up is because now - at the moment - your not having children renders invisible the fact that you are devoting large chunks of your material and emotional labour to supporting his life and self-esteem.

That's a mad situation - he's an adult. He doesn't need care like that. And it certainly shouldn't be one-way.

And when you list his positive points - what you feel he/this relationship give to you - what you come up with is your feeling of lack of worth.

Read your replies back.

Honestly, every time you say how great he is, you actually say that you feel unworthy of a relationship for X, Y, Z reason.

You tell us you are not well-off, you feel physically unattractive, you don't have perfect health.

You also tell us you have a history of unpleasant boyfriends.

Honestly, you need to work on your self-esteem.

Loads of women aren't well -off and/or don't have perfect health.

It's OK.

It doesn't mean you have to date selfish, in-giving people and be grateful. It doesn't mean you have to date selfish, ungiving people and then jump through psychological hoops to tell yourself their selfishness is actually generosity and love.

Actually, you need to believe you are worth actual love and care with a person who delights in loving you.

This person and this relationship is not what I would want for my daughter. I would want more.

And I want more for you.

Good luck.