How do I make better/closer friends?

[HotMessMama]

I’m 38 with a 3yr old DS and am 18wks pregnant with my 2nd child. I have small number of friends, some from uni/work and some I met at groups when my son was younger, none of them know each other. They are lovely but it’s all very superficial. We meet for coffee or take the children to soft play/the park etc conversation is usually about the children/partners/what we’ve watched on tv etc and it doesn’t go any deeper than that.
I have tried to develop these friendships and make plans without the children, inviting them out to the cinema or over for a takeaway for example, only for my offers to be turned down due to childcare or money. I later then see on social media that they have been out to do similar things with their other friends so these things only appear to be a barrier when it’s me doing the inviting
One friend had a milestone birthday recently and a big meal was arranged with her family and friends. I was not invited, not that I’m assuming I should have been but if it had been my birthday she is someone I would have wanted there. It just hurts to realise that no one thinks of me the way I think of them I don’t have a ‘best’ friend and no one would call me theirs. I sometimes think maybe I try too hard but then if I didn’t do the trying, the contacting, the suggesting to meet up etc then I would never hear from anyone.
I don’t know what it is about me that means no one is really interested in being my friend, how can I make better, more closer friendships?? x

I totally understand because I’m the same. I had lots of friends I made through my child being a toddler and going to all the groups and I made lots of effort. Hosting all the time and one particular lady I thought I was very good friends with. We hung out most days for 3 years! Then she got married and didn’t even tell me! I found out on Facebook! I realised that most of these friends made through children are just not real friends. I don’t know why. My mum has best friends she made through me being little/at school but I just can’t seem to be able to meet the people who feel the same way as me. I wish I had the answer but it’s something I’ve thought about and tried to solve. I feel like I’m just missing the vital ingredient it takes for somebody to want to be my best mate.

This could be me writing this post OP, so I totally feel you! It’s a shame, isn’t it, as you sound like a normal person who has lots to give. Like you, it’s usually me that makes the effort. I don’t think it’s in a needy way, just like you say - if I didn’t make the effort, I’d never see anybody. I know people have busy lives but I prioritise them but the favour isn’t returned. It’s not that they’re nasty people, it’s just that, well, I guess they would put me in the “friend but not a real true friend” box, mainly because we met through children and that’s the only thing that brought us together. I’ve arranged a couple of weekend play dates for the children and us with the hope of it coming to something, but they haven’t returned the favour so I’m guessing they’re not interested in forming what I’d call a “proper” friendship. And obviously at this point I don’t push it because that is deeply unattractive! So I bumble along, missing that deep connection that lots of women seem to manage to have with their “crew” or their “bestie”. I think part of it is that I do struggle with some of the small talk. I’m socially quite shy, more so as I’ve got older and had kids. Never quite felt like I “fitted in” with the other mums etc. So no advice (Sorry) but a lot of sympathy!

I've no advice but just wanted to say you're not alone I also feel exactly the same. I feel a lot of sadness and regret when I look back and feel a bit of an ache that meaningful friendships have been missing. It ends up making me sad to keep on doing contacting knowing that if I didn't I'd be forgotten. Now I'm trying to focus on doing hobbies etc I enjoy even if it's solo as I find it helps avoid all of the anxiety.

Another one here I’m afraid. It’s always baffled me too. I’m certainly not bitchy or false. I’d always offer help if someone needed it. I just find lots of people are superficial and tend to make the effort with people they don’t have ‘hooked’
It is a real shame and I totally understand how rubbish it feels sometimes but I have found that when I look back, the people who have gone out of their way to help me are people who I barely knew. I’ll never forget those gestures ever. There are some really lovely people out there. It’s not necessary to have lots of friends. I learned a long time ago to feel comfortable in my own space. (I’m still waiting...5 children don’t leave you with much alone time)
Lots of people have anxiety when socialising, and maybe feel comfortable with a certain type of person, considering personality, where you live, common interests, personal life and what you look like. As shallow as it sounds people decide on these factors without realising.
Personally, I always reach out to people who look on the outside. I’m always the go to person when someone has a problem.

I'm the same. I have one best friend but otherwise only aquantancies through kids that I meet up with sometimes. One I get on better with and meet up more frequently but that it.
Maybe we should make a WhatsApp group and have some chit chats together?! !! (Deeply uncool, I know)

A WhatsApp group is a fab idea

I have the same issue. I join in the threads about loneliness, but never get invited to join any chats on those either! I don't have children so no mum mates for me either. I have tried Meet Up, the gym, people at work and nobody wants to know. I don't know why; I'm nice, not shy but not extroverted, I've got varied interests, I do watch telly so that's a chat starter and I've got time and money to do things. Got a few friends scattered around from my time at uni, but they all have kids and they're far away. I am beginning to think I'll just be lonely for good; DH is fab but he's not the same as female friends.

I don't have a best friend. I'd say I have some friends but they aren't people who would notice if something was wrong, iykwim.
I'm in a group for new mums and they're all lovely but already I can see they're forging close friendships between themselves and I'm being left out. It has to be partly because my baby is far more finicky and difficult than theirs (doesn't eat well, doesn't sleep well, doesn't travel well), so they have a lot more meet ups than I do.
Deep down I know I feel as if I don't deserve friends really, because I'm not good enough. It makes me either overcompensate (and probably seem desperate) or shut myself off (decline invites/what's the point they don't really like me).
I don't know how this happened but I am shy and was always a fairly solitary child with just a couple of close pals, and I've long ago lost touch with them (I'm not on facebook for weirdo stalker reasons).
Makes me sad writing this all down.

All of us sound perfectly normal! No reason why WE can't be friends?!!!

I feel the same. I've got to the point where I have quite a few friends but when my house got broken into the other week my husband was straight on his phone to tell one of his friends. Who then came over with 2 other friends. I was jealous of what he had. I didn't have anyone who I felt I could spontaneously call in a time of need.

I also feel I have a greater need for friends as my family apart from one brother all live abroad. So my weekends aren't full with seeing family.

I often wonder if the energy that I feel I put into initiating social stuff doesnt match the output. Like I feel I do a lot of work to maintain the friendships I have but maybe other people just find it easier... so then they don't expect to get as much in return as they've not invested much energy into it anyway. But I'm not sure why it feels out of my comfort zone to arrange stuff especially since I think I do it a lot.

It was like that for me. I gave up work when I had my kids and the other parents from school were really just acquaintances.
When my husband passed away I moved to a new area where I knew no one. I really put myself out there. I made myself accept any invite, volunteered at school, and if I met someone even vaguely interesting invited them for coffee. Sure most of the time it came to nothing but eventually I made a couple friends and then more. I'd say I have two or three friends now that I could call at any time day or night and they would be there for me, plus a bunch more that are generally up for a night out.
It takes time, perseverance and just meeting a person you click with. My best friend is not interested in things I'm passionate about, our kids aren't close (though it's how we met) and she's always been a SAHM from her 20s while I had a career and didn't marry and have kids until after 40. But we just get on.
You can't make a friendship happen, but keep trying, it will pay off.

You guys should definitely start a whatsapp group! Maybe you can all meet sometime. Go for it!!! Could find lifelong friends within each other.

Hi I could have written this. I would have said I had loads of work friends, but it turns out I didn't really. When I left they all drifted away,

I found it hard to make mum friends, well NCP ones, because I was working and they were mostly SAHMs. I also hated baby groups.

I'm pretty happy in my own company and am naturally reticent so I just don't "get" how to make friends.

It's got worse the older I am. I didn't do drop offs when DD was young because I was working and then DD's dad did/does most of them as it's on his way to work.

It's complicated. I'm not sure I'm lonely as such, I'm just difficult to be friends with.

A WhatsApp group seems li,ema lot of commitment to me.

I'm a hopeless case

So hopeless at advice too. Sorry OP!

And hopeless at spelling. Just hopeless aground

All round. All round.

And now I'm just talking to myself. I'll get my coat...

I'd say a group WhatsApp is very little commitment. If you want to chat and reply on that day, you can, if you dont, you dont have to!

I could of wrote this too. I had a decent size friendship group at school, all stayed together throughout college. I left to get a job and stayed close to 2 of them, I don’t hear from them or see them it’s been many many months I stopped trying. I have no friends via baby group, no work friends. I went to college last year, made no new friends. I have no one to call up to go out with the kids or for a night out/in. It’s a shame I’m only just turning 24 I see all the girls all over social media being super close, great social lives and I feel like I’d never have that “best friend”. It’s pathetic but when its someone’s birthday and they get hundreds of happy birthday stories on Instagram off friends and I get none! Am due to start uni in September and have no idea how I’ll do it if I see everyone else get close and not me, I just don’t know how to make friends or what am doing wrong?

I'm another one I'm the same boat too. I feel deeply envious when girls have a tonne of female friends to call on, to go on nights out with and to confide in. I dont think I've held really close female friendships since I was about 15 (I'm 34 now. Jeez. 20 years of it!)

I'm very lonely as I dont have a partner either. I'm no-ones priority, and often wonder if I died (whilst my children are with their dad) how long until anyone would notice? And if it was my funeral would people come, or would they just feel it was a waste of a days annual leave.

Totally get it. It seems easier to make aquaintances than close friends. I wish we could just approach other people like toddlers do like 'wanna be my friend for life?' and become besties lol. Without giving off chucky vibes haha.

I’ve had my fingers burnt lots of times so that’s definitely affected my confidence in making friends. When you get to my age it’s tricky because everyone seems to have people they’ve been friends with for years. I’m always playing catch up. I just want a best mate I can go to the shops with or go for a coffee with on a Saturday afternoon. It feels impossible to achieve!

It’s a cultural thing, I think.
You can’t forge deep friendships and want to keep yourself to yourself at the same time.
At work, the forrin contingent thinks nothing of sticking a clean fork into somebody’s lunch box ‘to try’. Or go: next time you go to the shopping centre tell me, I’ll go with you, I need X. Or to just break down in tears complaining about how hard they find X or Y. Or to send a text: I’ve made a fresh cake, come round for a slice.
My English friends are so worried not to be rude, too close, too open, too etc. They’re scared of being judged. Because it’s not the done thing to tell somebody: love, I am climbing the walls at weekend, I am so lonely.
Whereas in other cultures it’s normal, you just pick up the phone or go around, just knocking on someone’s door for a quick coffee is absolutely fine, I can fold laundry and yell at my kid to do homework while you sit down for 5 minutes and have a natter.

I have trained my English friends now. It’s ok to take the dog for a walk and pop into BuddhaAtSea’s on the way, see if she’s in. I do text them to ask about their kid’s exams, I do pop in with a card for their birthday.

We’re dismissing and discarding people way too easy. We’re too worried about being ourselves.

I identify with a lot of these posts.
I’ve moved around a bit to different cities/ countries but am settled where I am now. I always feel that I don’t have ‘ real friends ‘ to invite out on birthdays etc. Things are slowly getting better. What I’ve noticed is that some people share personal stuff really early on, vulnerable stuff, laugh at themselves in a funny way. It makes you feel ok to share too, and it speeds up the transition to real friend. I like these kinds of people . I can be slightly reserved , but as I get older I’m realising there’s no connection without vulnerability.

I think you’re right there @BuddhaAtSea with the British thing. We don’t want to be too pushy and are afraid to show we want to be friends. I think the thing is to ‘ lean in ‘ to those acquaintances .

I don't think you can force it actually. When I moved to a new town, I cast the net wide. I actually met someone who really did want to be good friends, but as lovely as she is, and she really is lovely, we didn't have enough in common outside of children to become really close. I agree the key is social interactions outside the park. One day the park friend invited me for dinner, and now we are very very close friends since that time and now she's moving away and I'm gutted All you can do is invite them for coffee or dinner at your house, or maybe some kind of day out with the kids, or a walk in the woods. Or try to combine a few of these friends into an event.

@BuddhaAtSea I think you are really right about foreign people being more friendly. I totally think I was born in the wrong country (UK). Most of my close friends, and DH are foreign. Sadly that means I don’t see them (the friends, not DH!)very often. But I am often told that I’m the friendliest Brit they’ve met.
I have a ‘3strikes and you’re out’ rule because I got fed up feeling like I made all the effort. If I’ve made contact 3 times with someone and get no response I don’t bother with them anymore. I also just send a list of dates to people who say they want to meet up.....I don’t chase. And I’m pretty busy with work and family life.....and I like my own company. I’ve learned to live with no close friends.