How do I make better/closer friends?

[HotMessMama]

I’m 38 with a 3yr old DS and am 18wks pregnant with my 2nd child. I have small number of friends, some from uni/work and some I met at groups when my son was younger, none of them know each other. They are lovely but it’s all very superficial. We meet for coffee or take the children to soft play/the park etc conversation is usually about the children/partners/what we’ve watched on tv etc and it doesn’t go any deeper than that.
I have tried to develop these friendships and make plans without the children, inviting them out to the cinema or over for a takeaway for example, only for my offers to be turned down due to childcare or money. I later then see on social media that they have been out to do similar things with their other friends so these things only appear to be a barrier when it’s me doing the inviting
One friend had a milestone birthday recently and a big meal was arranged with her family and friends. I was not invited, not that I’m assuming I should have been but if it had been my birthday she is someone I would have wanted there. It just hurts to realise that no one thinks of me the way I think of them I don’t have a ‘best’ friend and no one would call me theirs. I sometimes think maybe I try too hard but then if I didn’t do the trying, the contacting, the suggesting to meet up etc then I would never hear from anyone.
I don’t know what it is about me that means no one is really interested in being my friend, how can I make better, more closer friendships?? x

That’s a real pain @cheninblanc. Is it the same people that always cancel?

@metalkprettyoneday you’re so right.When I think about what I like about certain people, it’s their openness, self deprecation, honesty. Nobody warms to a perfect being with their life just so. Maybe in trying to be perfect we push others away or scare them off.
@BuddhaAtSea do you mind telling us your cultural roots?

I’ve always been a bit of a loner. Not very popular at school, had good friends at college and uni, but I know I let the friendships dwindle away through moving away for work, years of IVF and then severe PND. Life consumed me.

Now I long to have friends who will drop by unannounced (always have cake on standby for that very reason!). I met a few women through various PND support groups and we were close for a couple of years, then they moved on to have subsequent children and I feel left behind.

Interestingly, I have stayed in touch with and enjoy the company more of the foreign-born women I know. Maybe we have something in common because we’re in comets and I’m NC with my parents? Mostly though I love their honesty, that they are relaxed about meeting up - it can be arranged on the hoof, not weeks in advance. What I really value though is having contact with people that might have wildly different politics, parenting styles etc from me - but we seem to have a “live and let live” approach in common. Maybe it’s because of social media and “echo chambers”, but I think people are increasingly judgemental. It puts pressure on people to feel they can’t invite someone round if their home is less than perfect. It leads to people abruptly ending friendships in the same way you block someone on Twitter, all because they’ve voted for a different party to you or disciplined their children differently. It makes you realise how often even real-world friendships are just as superficial as those on Facebook.

We’re now looking at moving to somewhere more rural...anyone in the Plymouth end of Devon?!... grew up there, so under no illusions how isolating rural life can be, but equally being alone in a big city seems to feel even harsher.

Sorry that was a right bloody essay! wonders if lack of friends is due to talking too much

@Asmuch I agree with everything you’ve said. I don’t do twitter, FB or insta. Mumsnet is my only online time wasting activity. Sometimes that in itself leaves me out of the loop. If your face isn’t popping up on FB every day, some people forget you. I often think that if I moved away I’d make more effort to make new friends. Good luck with your move, you sound lovely.

I find the best thing is to get involved in something you like doing, so that you are involved with the activity first and will then meet like minded people. I have moved around a lot and never find it hard to make friends - and I am absolutely nothing special but I do get involved in the local community and find out what is going on and offer to help and actually do things. I don’t particularly want to sit around just having a coffee or going for a night out, I am much happier meeting someone and having a project to get involved in.

Sadly a lot of people do come across as being very ‘needy’ in their friendships, they seem to want to be ‘best friends’ .... when I moved to my current town I immediately got involved in a volunteering project, I then met someone else new to the town at an exercise club .... she came along to meet the others at the volunteer project but was so standoffish and uninterested .... years later I still see her and she tells me how lonely and unhappy she is ... but won’t make any effort to find something that interests her.

Another point is to widen your expectactions of who you can be friends with, so many people seem to only want to meet clones of themselves, (my own DH is a bit like that ). I have friends of all ages, all political persuasions (well, not quite all!), friends who have widely different interests to mine .... it makes for a really interesting, diverse range of friendships.

When I was a first time mum I was 43, one of my closest friends was a much younger mum - on ‘paper’ we had very little in common but it was a great friendship for a number of years.

Going against the grain here. I do have a few groups of really close friends.

Group 1. Old work friends. From my younger days of pub work. 4 of us used to go out a lot when we were younger. Still really good friends and meet up a lot.

Group 2. Ex boyfriends friends girlfriends. (Confusing I know). We all me when our boyfriends at the time we're best friends. We socialised as a group with them. Most of us have split up with the men. But remain best friends who speak every day and meet up every other week.

Group 3. School friends. Meet up monthly. Kids all similar ages.

I think the key to all these friendships is time. They didn't happen over night. Every person in these groups arranges things and starts conversations etc. Shared interests. Been there for each other in the darkest of times and in the best.

Reading this thread I realise just how lucky I am to have this. You do need to put the effort in to keep/gain a really solid group. I have noticed people who have left the 'groups' or become aquainteces rather than friends are the people who do not instigate conversation, do not arrange events and are not the ones who check in regularly for a chat.

Greenpop21 yes always, so I once arranged a night out and everyone dropped out. Already my friend cancelled for next week and I'm so sick of sitting in alone whilst dh enjoys his friend's. It sucks tbh and I'm really worn down by it!

@cheninblanc then use the 3 strikes method used by a pp.
@Ragwort I think you’re right about not writing people off because they are different to you.
@whiskeylullaby2 I think those are good points but sometimes you get lucky. It seems others on here are making an effort and being let down.

I have a very few really good friends.

I have many friends who are work friends when I am in a particular place or job who are v important for the period of time I'm there but prob wouldnt keep in contact if I moved job ... it's the day to day backdrop of the work that brought us together and once gone there's little to say! Similarly with friends met thru nursery.

I have a small group of primary school mum's who are friends but meeting up gets more and more infrequent. Although I do consider them still friends.

Can I suggest some sort of voluntary work where you can at least gain access to other like minded people and you never know find a couple of long term friends and do something you enjoy.

Another one from the other side - I do have a few groups of really close friends so wanted to share where they came from in case it helps:

Church - one group had for ages from Girls Brigade/youth club friends. Still see each other about 4 times a year and it's like no time has passed. Think that it's shared history plus some similar issues with kids growing up

New church that I've been at for approx 13 years - it took time to kind of integrate and I volunteered for lots of different things but have made some really close friends over time

Work - just really clicked with a few people I met 20 years ago. Again, see a few times a year

DH's friends' wives/girlfriends, 2 I know really well and see every other month or so

Neighbours - been in same house 18 years, kids played out and grew up together - often turns into food and drinks coming out, especially in summer and even been on holiday with some

Family - got much closer with cousin & aunties as I got older and sister has been best friend for years

Friends of friends - people I met that knew other good friends and over time became mine

You all sound lovely - maybe you can all be each other's friends!

'I’ve got maybe 4 ‘proper’ friends left from uni days, And my best friend from high school.' That's 5 and I consider hat plenty! I always think most people can count their good friends on one hand so thats not abnormal. I would be happy with 5 good friends.

that^

I have two close friends and afew acquaintance friends. I find acquaintance friends easy to make but good friends hard to find.

@Greenpop21 I've asked her and she's coming round next week.

I think as some pp have said, lowering expectations to that not everyone will be your best friend is a good idea. Hopefully some naturally deeper friendships will form on that basis.
I've been of the mind that if we aren't bffs what's the point, so maybe that's where I've been going wrong

Oh @tiredtrumpet I’m so pleased, well done for being brave!!!

* I have noticed people who have left the 'groups' or become aquainteces rather than friends are the people who do not instigate conversation, do not arrange events and are not the ones who check in regularly for a chat.*

Really? Everyone is saying that they make effort and do all the instigating. I think the problem is when others are already in established group they don’t let anyone in because they don’t need anyone. Someone who has close or best friends isn’t looking for another best friend. People don’t let you in because they have their close knit group already. They don’t care or want to make the effort with you because they don’t need to. No matter how hard you try.

That's right Kwk, if other people already have good friends they don't need me! Whereas I'd like more friends! I'm in Kent but not free on Friday, whoever suggested that! I'm still wondering if we could all join a WhatsApp group but no one else has jumped on the bandwagon with me in that one. Why?!

@Sleepingboy most people like mn for the anonymity so not sure a WhatsApp group would work.

Is anyone else in Surrey/SW London?

Is anyone in Cumbria?

I realise that about the anonymity but if you want friends this could be a way!

@Kwkwjwkek I guess everyone is different. My 'ex girlfriend' group started as 3 of us. As the men's new girlfriends came along they were welcomed into the group quickly. Added into our WhatsApp and invited in 'girls night' while the boyfriends went out.

Nope. South Midlands here!