How do I make better/closer friends?

[HotMessMama]

I’m 38 with a 3yr old DS and am 18wks pregnant with my 2nd child. I have small number of friends, some from uni/work and some I met at groups when my son was younger, none of them know each other. They are lovely but it’s all very superficial. We meet for coffee or take the children to soft play/the park etc conversation is usually about the children/partners/what we’ve watched on tv etc and it doesn’t go any deeper than that.
I have tried to develop these friendships and make plans without the children, inviting them out to the cinema or over for a takeaway for example, only for my offers to be turned down due to childcare or money. I later then see on social media that they have been out to do similar things with their other friends so these things only appear to be a barrier when it’s me doing the inviting
One friend had a milestone birthday recently and a big meal was arranged with her family and friends. I was not invited, not that I’m assuming I should have been but if it had been my birthday she is someone I would have wanted there. It just hurts to realise that no one thinks of me the way I think of them I don’t have a ‘best’ friend and no one would call me theirs. I sometimes think maybe I try too hard but then if I didn’t do the trying, the contacting, the suggesting to meet up etc then I would never hear from anyone.
I don’t know what it is about me that means no one is really interested in being my friend, how can I make better, more closer friendships?? x

Jees i need this thread! Been feeling really isolated and lonely for last few mths. Made me sad reading this thread cos you all sound so lovely and cos i could have written op post myself.
Really knocks your confidence.
Just dawned on me reading a pp where their dh was able call 2 friends following a burglary and she had one. Thats me too.
Def not as easy to make friends like it used to be.
Ive stopped texting someone recently who i thought was a friend as it turns out shes not all she seems for starters and id noticed since christmas she was declining all in invitations to meet/go out and it was always me contacting her first.
Felt really stupid actually and cant think why i should tbh.

I've wondered about this for years. I remember moaning at my mother as a teenager that we never seems to have friends round like other families did, but now I have fewer friends than she did. I also work FT, so can't do baby groups, have a big age gap with the kids so even acquaintances are put off by the baby and my oldest struggles to make friends. He has one good friend and the dads get on well enough to chat at drop offs, but I never see the mum.

I even tried setting up a local craft group via Facebook. It lasted 2 meetings because only one pub locally had good enough lighting for knitting etc. whilst you drank and they wanted their table back for people booking meals. I could have set up in the community centre etc. but you have to pay room hire, which means you need minimum numbers and a committee to oversee where any spare money goes. I just wanted a chat over a drink once a month in a pub. Not too much to ask, is it? yes, it apparently is

My husband seems to be able to make friends, and has 2 friends he regularly goes for coffee with but I no longer know where to go with this. I asked locally about toddler groups at weekends where I could meet other parents. No-one bothered to reply on Fb. Softplay is full of party groups at weekends so no-one speaks to you. I've accepted DD will start school in a couple of years and both she and I will know no-one at the school gates (her nursery's in a different town). Bloody miserable and frustrating. To top it off, I've had Facebook updates for 4 women I thought I was friends with, who all went off for an evening out together. I didn't get a sniff of an invite. If we won the lottery tomorrow I'd move and just try to start again somewhere more friendly, but we don't do the lottery so it'll be just me and DD in the playground again as usual.

I’m aware that there is a mini WhatsApp group for some of the mums from my son’s class. When I overhear their plans (or have been accidentally semi invited before until the person obviously realised I’m not on the group) I can’t help feeling sad. I think they all go down to the pub sometimes with the kids, I’ve seen them all playing outside before. If I was brave I’d just go and join them but feel outside the circle.
I do have some old close friends who I see a few times per year. Trouble is, these weekends need to be planned well in advance and you can guarantee that one of said weekends will coincide with a rare local invitation so it does seem that I’m having to turn down opportunities which is a shame.
Anyway, hello to everyone on here, it’s good to not be alone!

Sleepingboy that was me, I'm in Kent and still free on Friday!!!

Although I know your not.
I did have friends over this week for coffee but that was it, no girls night out, glass of wine? Oh well. I'd love female company, I'm not needy, work full time, happy in my marriage so I'd just like a friendship group or friend to compliment it and me to compliment their life. I used to have loads, always out but I think as children have grown older, new relationships started and we've all inevitably gone back to work full time is all dropped away...

@camelfinger that must make you feel awful but people who do that can’t be very nice. I came off FB years ago because it always made me feel bad. Remember not to compare other people’s showreel with your cutting room floor.

Cheninblanc, are you in west Kent? As I am!

Sleepingboy, according to Google we are indeed west Kent! But my daughters go to school in North Kent so we're in the middle. A clue is a long village!!

I get all of this so much.
I've only got close friends in the last 8 years or so. I spent most of my twenties very lonely. I had DH, and he's amazing (well, not tonight, tonight he's annoying), and we had a group of mutual friends that we met when we moved to this city. All men. I had no female friends to go and get a coffee with. I tried through work, and it didn't happen. Then I met one woman through work that I became incredibly close to. And then she bloody moved to Australia! Leaving me floundering again.

After DS1 was born, I was proactive and went to groups, joined things like Meet-A-Mum on Netmums (which was actually really good for linking local mums). Thought that I had a solid group. And I did for about two years. Then started seeing that myself and one other were being left out of birthday night's out etc.

The one that was left out as well is someone that I know pre-children. She was the girlfriend and eventual wife of a male friend. We would up spending time together by chance when we both ended up pregnant and due a week apart. She's one of my absolute rocks these days, and she'd say the same for me. We can rock up at the others door and announce that we've just popped in as we were passing. A rare thing in this day and age. She always has cake, I don't.

I have another very close friend that I didn't set out to be as close, but it just naturally evolved.

My oldest and other closest friend lives 80 miles away. We speak by WhatsApp a couple of times a week, and have to make a conscious effort to plan a meet up.

I joined the Peanut app as I am naturally sociable and would like more friends. I've wound up having a great connection with a woman in the next city over. No mention of meeting up, but it's nice to chat. Other connections have just fizzled out. I've learned to let it wash over me.

I tend to throw myself into local things. So I'm the chair of the PTA at the school, which means that I talk to everyone. Some conversations have led to friendships, others nothing. When my children started at their sports club, I became one of the key committee members. I'm nosy. I like to know everything and everyone. Putting yourself on the committee achieves that.

I still get lonely. I have my three besties. But that means that often they're each busy. And sometimes I'd just like to go for a nice cup of tea and a chat.

I'm sorry. I definitely put paragraphs in. I don't know why the app removed them.

Another one here.
I've never been able to put my finger on why friends never work out for me. I've never been a bridesmaid and only ever been on 2 hen dos.

I’m back to this thread again- for some reason I’m drawn to this topic.
I was reading above post about a school mum hearing about other mums meeting up using a WhatsApp group . I think certain people would just ask to join.
I was sitting in the sun enjoying Friday ice creams at school pick up and I admired how one mum , I’d noticed her smiley friendly face , she just came over and started talking to me and another mum and said she was new to the city , didn’t really know people to have play dates , meet up , did we want to swap numbers ?She asked lots of questions, seemed genuinely interested and not needy at all . I was impressed and thought - Ah that’s how easy it is?
I live in a place where people are in comers from other cities and countries - I think ‘ locals’ people who have family and old friends often don’t need more friends .

And... I’ve found when I finally get to the stage of ‘ close friend’ with someone - they go and move cities for cheaper housing 😢Then you have to start again.

metalk I think there is a lot of truth in that ‘incomers’ (for want of a better word) often find it easier to meet other ‘incomers’. I moved to my current small town about ten years ago, I found the people that were naturally ‘friendlier’ were also people who had moved here, there are a few exceptions of course but I was chatting to a neighbour (who has lived here all her life) & she actually said ‘you know more people than I do’, she tended to stick to her family and small group of friends & obviously didn’t see the need to widen her circle. Interestingly she moved to the other side of the town and made no effort to keep in touch even though we’d had a fairly close friendship for over two years, I never saw her again.
I would definitely recommend joining groups like WI to meet like minded people. There are quite a few ‘New Wave’ WIs aimed at younger women.

I find it fairly easy to make friends. After my marriage broke down I decided I needed single parent friends so I got some. People often exclaim how ‘good’ I am at reaching out to people but really that’s all there is to it. To make new friends you have to put yourself out there. You’re not going to make them sitting worrying about it. I literally joined everything, asked people to go for drinks, outings, invited them round. I met lots of people where it goes nowhere but that doesn’t matter as you only need to click with a few.

I even contacted people I didn’t know on Insta but were in similar situations, and now we’re friends!

It’s interesting because I think there is a certain amount of social stigma in the uk to say you don’t have friends. It’s ‘ok’ if you’re new to an area but not so much if not.

Is there an app go friends in an area? Like Tinder but platonic?

*For

Gosh I find this really hard too. I definitely get very anxious about meeting and inviting people. I get anxious about having people round as I feel they will judge me/my house etc. I am making an effort to socialise more because I want friends. I think joining something that means you'll see someone regularly without having to arrange yourself helps eg an evening class.

www.zoosk.com/date-mix/friends/tinder-for-friends/

Don't know anything about any of these but might be useful.

Thanks @wineinthebathtub

Tried Bumble. Couldn't really get on with the swipe right or left Tinder type stuff! Bigger problem is that there aren't many people near enough. Looks like there are loads in London but that's too far for me

@Greenpop

Yeah, Peanut. Even the swiping is the same. I tried MummySocial but found that all the profiles were years out of date.

I’ve never been on a dating app(married 23years) so is all new. Not sure I’d be brave enough to do it but I’m glad it’s out there.

Oh god it’s not photo profiles is it?