How do I make better/closer friends?

[HotMessMama]

I’m 38 with a 3yr old DS and am 18wks pregnant with my 2nd child. I have small number of friends, some from uni/work and some I met at groups when my son was younger, none of them know each other. They are lovely but it’s all very superficial. We meet for coffee or take the children to soft play/the park etc conversation is usually about the children/partners/what we’ve watched on tv etc and it doesn’t go any deeper than that.
I have tried to develop these friendships and make plans without the children, inviting them out to the cinema or over for a takeaway for example, only for my offers to be turned down due to childcare or money. I later then see on social media that they have been out to do similar things with their other friends so these things only appear to be a barrier when it’s me doing the inviting
One friend had a milestone birthday recently and a big meal was arranged with her family and friends. I was not invited, not that I’m assuming I should have been but if it had been my birthday she is someone I would have wanted there. It just hurts to realise that no one thinks of me the way I think of them I don’t have a ‘best’ friend and no one would call me theirs. I sometimes think maybe I try too hard but then if I didn’t do the trying, the contacting, the suggesting to meet up etc then I would never hear from anyone.
I don’t know what it is about me that means no one is really interested in being my friend, how can I make better, more closer friendships?? x

I dont think I've held really close female friendships since I was about 15 (I'm 34 now. Jeez. 20 years of it!)'

This^^ @TheresGotToBeMoreToLife

d support.

'I think you are really right about foreign people being more friendly. I totally think I was born in the wrong country (UK).'

Me too, I say this all of the time.

I think the non-UK pals thing is why most of my friends are university. I hated school and didn't want to stay where I grew up, and uni was a nice melting pot. After that it's quite hard. I also got very badly stung by some genuinely vile people (who I thought were friends) at a job I had, so I've really backed off since. Can't seem to get back at it. I also just want to bob out for a coffee or go mooching about; don't need huge amounts of effort.

I wish I had some fabulous advice, but unfortunately I'm just another joining to say I hear you! I have two Dcs age 11 and 8. H and I split nearly 2 years ago, I'm still adjusting to single life. Always felt on the edge of friendship groups despite being generally well liked, nice etc..
I'm 40 this year and nothing has changed, one real friend, it's utterly depressing at times. I see people starting to organise 40th birthday parties on FB and I think god I could never have a big party, I'd have nobody to invite! ( not that I'd really want one, but having the choice to have one would be good!) doesn't help I live in a tiny village where meeting people is basically impossible 🙄

You’re not alone OP! I’ve got maybe 4 ‘proper’ friends left from uni days, And my best friend from high school. I’ve met one woman through baby groups who I consider a true friend. And one from an old job. Most of them live far away, so I see them rarely.

It’s tough out there! I’ve found that some exercise groups are great for socialising (I have a group of exercise friends that I do fitness events and go to dinner with- these are admittedly probably quite superficial friendships, but it’s nice nonetheless).

Can I join?!

I found being a new mum hard, and I remember I started making real friends when I tried less and was more honest/open about how hard I found things.

Also, sometimes you are just not with the right type of people

I have felt very lonely in places I have lived a sometimes I just did not fit in (seen as too posh, too foreign, not posh enough, too British etc)

It's not you it is them

I'm the same OP. Lost my 'friends' when I met my now DH and had my first child. I moved away but made so much effort to keep in touch, but I guess they didn't feel our lives were compatible anymore. These were ppl I'd known for 15 yrs.

I make a lot of acquaintances and some would say good friend(s) at work but since moving again no one has kept in touch despite me trying to. These are ppl who cried when I left so the ghosting confused me...

I put a lot into all of my relationships and it used to hurt when it wasn't reciprocated. But the older I've got (now 37) the less it bothers me. Yes, everyone has their own lives but I think society in general is a lot less social now (thanks to internet/social media) - I'd go as far to say that people are just not good at maintaining friendships or communicating very well anymore.

Another example is Birthday's - I must be considered old school as I think it's important to still send an actual card. Mainly because it shows that you are (at the very least) thinking about the person. But so many ppl just send messages on social media (if at all!) which I find really lazy and I'm talking about close family here.

Try to take it less personally though. I understand the loneliness and isolation of young children. I'm currently at home with a 2 year old and my 9yr DS has SEN which is another reason people avoid us like the plague. But you know what, I have a lot to give and only very few deserve my loyalty. You'll have more opportunity to socialise as the kids get older and hopefully you'll meet some ppl in the same position with a bit more time to give.

I feel the same as you ladies, I've moved around a lot and have one good female friend back home, DH here, and that's it. I didn't make good friends at uni as I was in a long term relationship and focused on that (biggest regret of mine). School friends went down a different path and we had nothing in common. I think some of it is down to me feeling quite awkward knowing what to say in conversations to move things to a deeper level. I thought I would have figured it out but 33 but it just gets harder! I am hopeful of meeting more people when I have kids in the near future but reading the above it doesn't sound like it magically happens. I always connect with a couple of people in workplaces and make great friends with them and then inevitably either me or them leaves and then it fades away. It's quite good to write this down and hear I'm not the only one, I'm pretty sure I'm normal!

Hugs and handholds! I am often told I make friends easily and I am very grateful for this. Though I genuinely think modern life makes it harder to make friends as an adult.

I'd say part of making friends easily is that I'm very open so don't do small talk - I get into the deep vulnerable conversations with people fast and that helps to build connections like a pp said. And I spend a lot of time on WhatsApp - particularly for groups, but for lots of friends, we're all so busy but we can keep in touch and have the kind of conversations that would ideally have happened in person, which helps to cement the friendship.

Weirdly I'm awful at dating, absolutely hate it, but perfectly happy to be the one who asks to develop a friendship (going out for coffee rather than just chatting at work, suggesting dinner or weekend meetups or whatever).

Fwiw I am single and childfree and I think that makes it mostly easier but sometimes harder :)

I'm the same and whenever I try to plan something they always cancel. Next Friday perfect example - dh out I'm home alone again as the friend has cancelled already. Anyone free next Friday in Kent /london lol

@BuddhaAtSea you are so right. I worry that others won’t want to come over, have better things to do, will judge me or my house. It’s very British and I’ve got worse. As a child my Irish family would call in and just ‘visit’ and others would just turn up at ours. Always a cup of tea and cake and chat, no ceremony, no instaworthy decor etc. I worry others won’t like it. I’m going to try to be more open.

I have been on the outside all my life. I figured a few rules:
The "best friend " and close friends slots are often filled in childhood.
People with vacant friendship slots all have some reason why, which makes it harder for us to get together.

Things that meant I didn’t make deep friendships:
1.Had a steady boyfriend from age -15. This made other friendships less important. Silly teen!!! While others were forging deeper friendships I was spending all my time with him.

1. Had a big family that did lots together. This meant that I didn’t need others.

Sadly, family have died, moved abroad, become estranged.I’m late 40s.

1. I have a very happy marriage and do lots with DH. After a busy week at work I just want to see him and DC.

I’m not complaining but I see how it happened.

Greenpop21 that's exactly me, I have a happy marriage and want to spend the majority of my weekends with him but... I also want a few friends that would go out, won't cancel etc etc. I know why it's this way but I'm not entirely happy with it currently. Dh seems to be able to book things and it be firm my plans always get changed or cancelled by people it gets me down so I stop bothering

I don't have any advice, just another one saying I hear you!
I'm on mat leave and the loneliness is crushing. I thought I had made a really good mum friend at work, she came to visit me after baby was born, and I made a play date with her for our older children, but she hasn't reciprocated or even just txt to ask how I am. It's always me.
I have one best friend who I don't see often as she has a super close circle of gal pals (about 5 of them) who she 'lives her best life' with.

I had another 2 friends from work, we were always going out as a threesome. They came on my hen do and to my wedding. After I had dc1 and became unwell with PND they disappeared. Poof all gone. They went on holiday together and didn't tell me. I live a 3 minute walk from one of them and they haven't even met dc2. I don't speak to either of them anymore and I don't know why, it's hard when there's no closure.

I don't know what I've done tbh, I spend a lot of time ruminating. I have particular interests in music and other things and I wonder if that's it? Those two pals and my mum friend from work would rather die than go to a slipknkot concert and I wonder if that's why Maybe we are just too different!

@cheninblanc I know what you mean. DH has a good bunch of friends and I wonder if it’s a male thing but they seem to be more straightforward than women.

@tiredtrumpet would you consider asking that friend who lives close over for a meet the baby coffee? Maybe just do it? I’m channelling @BuddhaAtSea. I used to think friends had to have similar interests but now I’m not so convinced. I love music but dislike musicals which is an absolute no no in your 40s!

I’m the same. I get quite low about it. I know lots of people and am close with only one family member. I have a great partner that I do everything with bjt no real friends. My partner works evenings a lot and I’d love to have a night with the girls going for a meal and a couple of drinks but I’ve nobody to ask that would actually come with me.

@Greenpop21 my DH suggested the same, and is absolutely baffled that I haven't just stormed over to her house baby in tow and asked for a coffee
I have thought about it but in typical British fashion I'm thinking it would be weird because too much time has passed and what will she think of me etc etc.
She's also very popular and has her own tight knit circle of friends and I just think there's no point.
Writing it down like that it's obvious that I'm trying to avoid being hurt again.

You could ask her. Then you can be the bigger person. I know what to do @tiredtrumpet but I’d be the same probably. I remember when I went on maternity leave, there was a woman who lived next door to me who had an older baby. We’d only just moved in.She’d smile but no more. I called round one day and invited her over for a coffee etc. She said she didn’t drink coffee and I was so shocked I didn’t ask again. Eventually we become friendly and she told me she was so shy she just used to put up excuses. Thing is, I am chatty but shy deep down so one set back like that can really knock your confidence. I’m going to try to make an effort to accept more invitations even if it’s not my thing as maybe you won’t get asked again!

@Greenpop21 Very true, one invitation declined might be all it takes to completely miss the friendship boat.
This friend that lives round the corner says yes to absolutely everything. She goes out with people she barely knows from work and I'm starting to see why she's so popular. I think saying he's is the key!

Right just need an invite now

Saying yes is the key

If she says yes to everything, why not invite her over?

I do lots of inviting everyone says yes then always cancels on me. For this reason I did nothing for my 40th last year