How do I make better/closer friends?

[HotMessMama]

I’m 38 with a 3yr old DS and am 18wks pregnant with my 2nd child. I have small number of friends, some from uni/work and some I met at groups when my son was younger, none of them know each other. They are lovely but it’s all very superficial. We meet for coffee or take the children to soft play/the park etc conversation is usually about the children/partners/what we’ve watched on tv etc and it doesn’t go any deeper than that.
I have tried to develop these friendships and make plans without the children, inviting them out to the cinema or over for a takeaway for example, only for my offers to be turned down due to childcare or money. I later then see on social media that they have been out to do similar things with their other friends so these things only appear to be a barrier when it’s me doing the inviting
One friend had a milestone birthday recently and a big meal was arranged with her family and friends. I was not invited, not that I’m assuming I should have been but if it had been my birthday she is someone I would have wanted there. It just hurts to realise that no one thinks of me the way I think of them I don’t have a ‘best’ friend and no one would call me theirs. I sometimes think maybe I try too hard but then if I didn’t do the trying, the contacting, the suggesting to meet up etc then I would never hear from anyone.
I don’t know what it is about me that means no one is really interested in being my friend, how can I make better, more closer friendships?? x

I hear you OP - the same except I did manage to find my best friend in my 40s and I have given a lot of thought to the topic.
I have some suggestions if you don’t mind please:

• start with people who need a friend - someone new to the area or someone from a different country who has less long term friends here. Breaking into groups is hard and if you pick someone who already has a long list of friends it’s unlikely unless you have a special bonding skill to work your way up their list to become a priority for them.
• consider your body language especially your eye contact when you meet and talk to people. My son was given some social coaching as it was thought he has Aspergers (he doesn’t - long story) but I found this coaching fascinating. I realised I was looking at people - even looking in their eyes but I was not connecting with people. I have learnt to catch people’s eyes when I first meet them and again while trying to build a relationship and it has been life changing. I am shy and shy people tend not to do this but I really recommend you make then effort.
• I went on a work training programme once when they trained white collar workers on how to build relationships with clients. They talked about how people often ask practical fact finding questions such as what do you do - but to build relationships you need to ask why people did something to get to understand them ie why did you choose this etc etc.
• and finally - I have learnt that some people’s body language or facial expressions do not reflect how they seem inside. I know a lady who is stony faced whenever I talk to her - completely no reaction. But for various reasons I have come to get to know her and she is one of the kindness generous people I have ever met and I feel lucky to have her in my life. The whole don’t judge a book by their cover or first impressions means I am very open to given people a chance which I admit that maybe I didn’t do when I was younger.

Great post @ittakes2 and I’d also like to recommend a book that’s probably very old hat by now but I found it fascinating: How to win friends and influence people by Dale Carnigue (sp?)
I’ve found it a great insight. Top tip-apart from eye contact and smiling is to use a person’s name. Everybody’s favourite subject is themselves. Such simple things but if you reverse it and think how it makes you feel when others smile at you, use your name, it really works. I think we just fall into bad habits.

Starting a book group and advertising in the local library might be an option?
I answered an ad when I was in my twenties from someone who was new to the area from NZ. She got quite a few replies and we formed a friendship group . She had a party and I met my future husband there!

I think these days people move so much and have such busy lives it is really difficult to build lasting friendships. I have moved constantly all through my life. I tended to make one or two close friends and then we would move and I would have to start again. I find myself now with three good friends. One I talk to on WhatsApp and I have moved away so never see her. Another moved to Australia so the same situation. The third is a friend I met over twenty years ago then moved away. We kept in touch and now I am back in the original area where we met. She is now my only close friend who I actually see face to face. I can't be bothered trying to make to make new friends . After years and years of moving and trying to make it all work, I don't have the energy anymore.

Dh mentioned going out in a few months and I've totally had a silent tantrum. I'm so so tired of having no one else, Friday night looms and it's rubbish, I feel rubbish and this thread has brought home just what it means. Without dh there is no one 😢. It's shit. I'm turning into a needy wife, everything I don't want to be.
I've emailed the WI for our village and they meet this Monday. I'm going to go!

Good to heard you're going to go to the WI! It makes such a difference having a night that's yours for your thing. I go out weekly for my hobby. Alas it's all men there, but nonetheless, I have an excellent time and usually come home extremely cheerful.

I like this post and have said similar things to dh.

He's an introvert and has always referred to me as an extrovert. Until I pointed out that for his 40th I managed to fill 3 tables of his friends for a surprise birthday and asked if he could've done the same for me. He realised that no he couldn't!

I like company and he doesn't but because of that I've realised I've slowly reduced my circle since meeting him marrying, kids etc. Not his fault. He didn't ask me to. It also doesn't help that I don't drink alcohol. Just hate the taste and can't be bothered to drink to get drunk or fit in now.

I would say I have 1 close friend from school. 1 friend who I met from baby groups and a few acquaintances that I guess I can have coffee with if I ask or they ask. Mostly that's ok for me but it gets me down at times. I had to lose a friend recently as strongly didn't agree with some things she was doing and it upset me. Also I was complaining to dh that I didn't have enough friends to lose them!

I would say meeting people is not too bad but getting to the point where you chat to them on a regular basis about things important to you is really hard!!!

This thread has made me dig out this book. How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie.
It’s an interesting read on a personal and professional level. Need to read it again as it’s easy to fall back into bad habits. I got DH to read it when he was having a few staff issues at work and it helped him manage a couple of people better.

I'm so glad to see others feeling the same!! I'm Irish and moved to Wales 10 years ago (OH is welsh) the 1st 7 years baby free, now have a toddler. I find it so draining to have to keep making so much effort with people. I am sociable and very much like to have things planned and just company in general. I have quite a few people I've picked up over the years that can invite over, have the occasional night out but it's always me instigating. They seem to have their own friend groups they grew up with and don't ever invite me to those. I do think I probably expect more because it is easier in Ireland. Still close with lots of friends their, keep in touch and meet when I go back to Ireland but can't seem to get the same closeness here.
Reading this thread though has prompted me and I have just text a few from here and having lots of replies and some half plans formed.
Would just love to feel part if things a bit more!!

I wonder if it's easier to meet people in a city or a village? Even though there are fewer people in a village or small town I think it's probably easier to get to know people
I do think if you move to a new area the best hope is to make friends with other incomers or recent arrivals. People who have lived in an area for a long time do tend to have their own friendship groups established, and it is very hard to break into them .

I have 4 friends who know all there is to know about me. However, they have busy lives and I see them very rarely, one lives overseas, I do see a group of mums from school but it is quite superficial.

I think asking people about themselves, listening and then remembering to ask them about ongoing stuff in their lives builds trust.

@Greenpop21 our roots are Latin 😊

@ittakes2 I think that’s one of the reasons people find it hard to connect, approaching friendship like it’s some sort of performance for want of a better word. It’s not a job interview, it’s not a performance or a contest. It’s just being human, with all what that entails.

Food, drink, laughter and tears is what binds us together. Not your extension, not wearing a full face at 5am, not having a pristine house.

Being part of someone’s life is not just dinner parties. As my friends found out, it also involves calls at stupid o’clock: ’I’m stranded with a weirdo, what do I do?’, knocks on the door on our way from somewhere for a quick:’I got you some fresh eggs’, ‘I’m leaving my husband, come help me pack’, ‘I’m in A&E bleeding, can you go pick up my kids?’, ‘I am so so drunk, I’m crashing on your sofa, sorry!’ , ‘on your way to my house, please get me some butter, I’ll pay you back’, ‘shit, my kid just stepped into a rusty nail, it’s still there, what do I do?’

I don’t know why normal things like that make people uncomfortable. It’s just what happens in life. There is no test of time, no miracle ritual that allows you to open up to people.
Does it make you vulnerable? Hell yes! there’s nothing wrong with being vulnerable.

I have had periods in my life when I didn’t seem to have friends around and now I do and I think one of the key things is to be interested in them and to have a laugh not just talk about woes. I’ve met people I like but over time realised that they never ask about me and it gets a bit onesided so to be honest i don’t tend to stay in touch in that case. It has to be a balanced and them to be nice to you else what’s the point.

Cheninblanc, I'm been thinking about you today and wracking my brains as to where you could be. I even asked my husband about your long village clue and he was no use! I'm afraid I went a bit stalkery and looked on some of your previous posts and saw where you said your wedding reception was so I think you are near me. PM me if you want to meet up! A blind friend date?!
Give the WI a go!

Sleeoingboy i have dm you. I am fairly local to our wedding venue

I've replied, cheninblanc!

Ah that’s nice you two. Just had a text from a friendship group from 20 years ago(1st baby friends) about meeting up and I said yes. We met up last year for the first time in years so would be nice to regularly meet. Smile and say yes people!

Hi sleepingboy I know your town well, used to live very close, dh works there and ex husband lives there! Your very close to me. I'll reply to dm soon am just decorating. But I've taken the initiative on a few things today and will pop back later

Me too. You are absolutely not alone. All we all Librans by any chance?

Pisces.

I am Libran

Virgo here

Virgo here.

Yay for @cheninblanc and @Sleepingboy

Virgo!

@flutterby31 I'm Surrey. Sticksville bit.

It's happened again, I did make plans for tmrw and they've been cancelled again. Last minute. I'm really really fed up so I've requested to join a women's group in the village on Facebook, let's see..... How are you getting on op