Is it not really possible to remain sahm to school age children and dh have any respect for you?

[Zorona]

Have other people managed this? I feel really down recently dh I am not sure if he likes me much any more. I think that he resents me being at home when he is at work. I get little comments from him here and there. Sure I could look into going back to work but the upheaval for the family and for my children I think it is better I am at home 😔 my pay would likely be so low that it’s not worth the upheaval. Is the answer to go back to work even if the pay is low so everything feels more equal?

There are some lame feeble excuses for why a grown woman with school age children should not be expected to support herself and her family unit financially.

OP - it doesn’t matter what all the happy mummy cheerleaders on here say. The only person whose view is important is the person you are expecting to fund you to spend 6 hours a day pottering round the house. You and him need to discuss it calmly and work out a way that you can balance your lives so neither of you are resentful. The longer you’re out of the workplace then the harder it is to get back.

Bling yesterday made a valid point about how the balance often doesn't change when the SAHM then gets a job (often part time to still fit in loosely with kids getting home). If you are both agreed on either being at home or work then frankly it's nothing to do with anyone else, just your family. Even if you spend two days a week lying in a chaise lounge eating peeled grapes and watching crap daytime tv My DD is now at high school and after 11 years I've finally stopped giving a shit what other people other than DH thinks. I'm doing several casual jobs so a few hours regularly a week and some voluntary work but if someone (unfortunately it's often women ) wants to judge me, I can't stop it. But I now don't let it bother me like I used to, especially as I've never, ever judged another for her working/or not choices. It's worth listening to others when it comes to making sure you're protected in the future and in case of a split (I am) but anything beyond that is just judging.

If you decide to return to work make sure all parties are agreed about who picks up the other bits you do at home which until now, have meant DH can come home, eat his dinner, watch tv and generally relax. Same at weekends. Because this is where you often notice a major difference when you go back and unless you're making enough money to compensate it can cause a different resentment.

It definitely sounds like you need to sit down and talk though.

So I confess I'm still RTFT but poopbear is spot on.

OP what about exam invigilating? GCSEs kick off soon and you may be able to do mornings only? Moneys a bit pants but it will fill a gap on your CV, get you a reference and as there's exams throughout the year you could do as much or as little as you need, whilst you look for something more?

Courses - check out Future Learn ... many free courses you could fit in online around family life and many have connections to universities. Will help get you into the study mindset at zero cost?

Actually I am partly self funded and not totally reliant on my DH. It was thanks to me that we were able to have a relatively small mortgage and fund an extension. I had a flat in Ruislip which I owned outright thanks to an inheritance.

I admit I'm fortunate in that way, but I would far rather I'd had no inheritance but had supportive and loving parents so I could have made the most of my 2 degrees. And I'd obviously have preferred not to have had an abusive childhood.

I've made up for it, with my 2 adopted DDs and the voluntary work I do. But it was certainly never my desire to be a SAHM, though I'm getting to a better place about it.

We should all aim at being strong independent adults raising strong independent children giving them the example and the tools of what real life is.

We should, I agree. What parents do for a living is only a tiny part of that though. Everyone's life is real, it doesn't matter what choices they've made.
My children have friends with one working parent, two working parents, no working parents, no parents at all and everything in between.
Real life is diverse.
We should surely be raising our children to be accepting of what makes other people different and not to be deeply upset because a stranger in the internet lives in a way that doesn't match up with our ideal.

I can't answer the original question positively, as though I worked as much as I could when the children were small, and then worked full-time from home as a translator when they got older, their dad always saw his career as more important than mine, even though we ended up earning similarly. I would say that he was simply egotistic and not the modern man he claimed to be when we met.

But, Zorona, it sounds to me as if your being a SAHM is doing nothing for your own self-esteem. I am scared to pay for any courses in case I fail at prospective job and it will be a waste of money - I worry like this myself, but if I hadn't done the course I'd be up shit creek now, and probably in a similar position to friends I know who never went back to work, never got any recognition, constantly had to put up with being treated as useleess by their husbands and now doubt their own ability to do anything.

Some bloody pathetic judgey buggers on this thread. Families are different, shock.

JacquesHammer agree. I imagine some of those posters are almost praying for SAHPs to separate so they're proven right. Without exception whenever I've been judged for this choice it's by another woman. Often the same who last week was stuck in traffic and called me in a panic to ask if I could grab little Johnny after school when I get DD and feed him at mine until she could get home.

A lot of PPs make it sound like it’s impossible to run a household unless one person (usually the woman) is an SAHP. This thread is like a time warp going back to the 50s!
Most people actually do manage to maintain a family where both partners work full time without the result being a dirty hovel for a house and traumatized offspring for children!

I think time expands to fill however much you have of it. I have 4 children and work 4 days/week. I have one day/week off and manage fine with getting “house and family” admin done on those days. I don’t need 30 hours/week to clean, get food and call the plumber. Between DH and me they’re picked up from school or after school activities and we both cook food for them and do homework. I don’t need 6 hours at home during the day preparing their meal in advance.

TLDR

I’m a sahp to an adult aged dd at uni and two primary aged DD’s, I haven’t worked since the birth of dd2.

My role is as equally deserving of respect as my oh’s. My sacrifices in earning and independence has afforded my oh to never have to worry about taking time off for a sick child, parents meetings, doctors/hospital appointments. He’s never had to worry about holiday cover. He’s never faced parental guilt over wrap around care or the lo’s not having a parent there for performances or class drop ins.

As the person in charge of the household, my oh has never had to worry about the upkeep of the house, wether there’s food in the cupboards, if the kids have all they need.

The above comes with the highest deference and respect from oh. I allow him to have the lifestyle he has, as he allows me to have the lifestyle I have, we both make sacrifices in order to provide this for each other and most importantly our dc.

Now, that’s not to say that oh doesn’t take an interest in these things, or check if I need help with anything at any time and I him.

We are a partnership, that must come with an equal level of respect.

We should surely be raising our children to be accepting of what makes other people different and not to be deeply upset because a stranger in the internet lives in a way that doesn't match up with our ideal.

Clearly this is not something the husband is comfortable with. If you own your life choices, you don’t come on a public forum complaining that going back to work will affect your children negatively and that your whole family will be falling apart as a result. My reaction was to the comment that the sole purpose of wanting to stay at home is in the interest of the children and implying that a working mum’s children are worse off or implying that some jobs are inferior / low paid / not worth it. Neither of these arguments are valid IMO.

My reaction was to the comment that the sole purpose of wanting to stay at home is in the interest of the children and implying that a working mum’s children are worse off or implying that some jobs are inferior / low paid / not worth it.

I must've missed that comment.

@PinkyU
How are you a partnership? You have shouldered raising your DC/running a home, absolving your DH of any worries/concerns to facilitate his career, other than work he has opted out of family responsibilities. Do you have hobbies, volunteer?

Thing is, clearly, when the kids go to school, it's a natural time to evaluate how the household is run, and whether it would be beneficial to family members to change how things are done - financially and less materialistically, and if so, how is everybody going to work together to make the change work for everybody.

It’s a partnership in that pinky does all the caring, while her DH does all the providing.

@whys
He is absolved of all aspects of the home and carries on with his life whilst the little lady does it all. Plenty men work but still help with the kids/house etc.
It’s not 1950 🙄

The sad irony is that even when women do get a job, unless is a well paid/high flyer type one they still get comments and judgement including from their partners/husbands.

"Pin money" ,"not a real job", "he still pays for everything ", the expectation that the woman can take the time off ,rearrange things because she doesn't have the big/important job etc.

Even worse is when a woman is stuck with the long hours, and childcare and housework and life admin and what not.

I found quite a few of my friends were pushed (rightly or wrongly) by their husbands into going back to work, but at the same time they expected that their lifestyle /free time/commitments/responsibilities stayed unchanged.

@JKScot4 Spot on. My DH works hard, he"s a senior manager in the Bridges Department of our Local Council. But he's involved in the care of our adopted DDs, because he wants to as he's their dad and that's important to him.

And actually, with adoption, SS wouldn't approve a couple to be adoptive parents if they picked up that one of them wouldn't be involved at all in the care of the child placed with them. (And they would pick it up very easily.)

Sadly, the OP's DH is a good provider but it doesn't sound like he's a good dad who takes an active role in his DCs' lives.

A lot of other men I know work long hours and still play an active part in their DCs' lives. My
DBIL used to be a financial director in the NHS and was on a very good salary. He still spent a lot of time with his DC. He and my DSis are a very good team; she was the main carer of her DSS for a few years and has always loved him as much as her own DC (they have 3 together.)

He gave up that job and now is a CEO of a charity, for much less money. Because he wanted to be around for his DC.

Why do you presume my oh isn’t involved?

I specifically said in my post that he is. How odd.

I think some people are wilfully misunderstanding here. My DH works very long hours in a highly paid job but he absolutely is still around for me and our DC. He does still go to assemblies, he does still go on family days out and is there for mealtimes and bathtimes etc as much as is possible.

I just do more of it, because I'm the SAHP. Not really sure why anyone would have an issue with that, as long as we don't .

He also always cooks the Christmas dinner and does a lot of the regular cooking.

I don't think the OP's DH is being fair at all. If he wants his DW to go to work then he needs to support her by getting more involved at home, so she can see that she won't be going out to work and still having to do all the wife work.

He is absolved of all aspects of the home and carries on with his life whilst the little lady does it all.
Maybe read the post again, she clearly says
that’s not to say that oh doesn’t take an interest in these things, or check if I need help with anything at any time and I him.

I don't think he's being very fair if he's making passive aggressive, sarky remarks, and generally being disrespectful of her, rather than being open and honest about what he's thinking, and them having a discussion about things.

@Notso
‘check’ he shouldn’t be checking if she needs help, he should be involved and helping.
Why are women justifying living in the 1950s?
Let the man have the life and career and you be the drudge 🙄🙄
@Mittens030869 thank you

Insulting my way of life means literally nothing to me, I’m happy, my oh is happy, our family is happy. Our dynamic works perfectly well for us.

As I said above WE check in with each other, he may need some help with something but may not want to burden me with it and vice versa, we consider each other in everything we do. Of course we check in with each other we’re individuals experiencing life from a unique perspective, how else are we to know each other’s needs unless we verbalise them?