Is it not really possible to remain sahm to school age children and dh have any respect for you?

[Zorona]

Have other people managed this? I feel really down recently dh I am not sure if he likes me much any more. I think that he resents me being at home when he is at work. I get little comments from him here and there. Sure I could look into going back to work but the upheaval for the family and for my children I think it is better I am at home 😔 my pay would likely be so low that it’s not worth the upheaval. Is the answer to go back to work even if the pay is low so everything feels more equal?

Insulting my way of life means literally nothing to me, I’m happy, my oh is happy, our family is happy. Our dynamic works perfectly well for us

Read back. The irony won’t be lost on you.

Let the man have the life and career and you be the drudge

Sorry but I used to have a very high flying career and I found that much more "drudge" than staying at home. Not everyone is the same. HTH.

The irony is lost on me, Jacques

well if he wants you to go out to work, you need to perhaps remind him of the 'house/life' work you do

I think that both parties should respect eachother regardless of whether you work or stay at home with the children. I have no experience of this as DH and I both work full time and split all other "work" - childcare, housework etc. I can imagine once the children are in school that it would grate on me to have a partner who stayed at home all day while I worked.

Let the man have the life and career and you be the drudge
One of the reasons I don't work is to get away from the feeling of being a drudge.
I do my old job on a part time voluntary basis. I love it. I'm happy.
You crack on though love with your tired little jibes about the '1950's' and the 'little woman' it's incredibly empowering to women I'm sure.

Its not healthy to be a sahp. There have been many studies on women being the primary caregiver suggesting from depression, isolation, anxiety and slower cognitive processing.

I've looked through the OP's posts and, as he's no longer working overseas (that was in the past), he's at home in the evenings. there is no excuse for him not being involved in looking after the DC. They're his DC, it's not just his DW's job to bring them up. A good parent wants to spend time with their DC, it's the way to develop a bond with them.

Wow just wow these threads seem to go crazy. I have 4 children eldest at university youngest will start GCSE in Sept. I am a SAHP. I did return to work part time and lasted 2 years doing it but stopped in October as it was very hard juggling everything as all of my children are involved in a lot of after school/evening clubs. They are only able to do this as I am at home. We decided before having children together I would stay at home. My step son lived with is and we both worked full time. He was in before school, after school and holiday clubs and we hardly got to spend time with him. We decided if we had more children 1 of us would always be there for them. We therefore made it happen. We don't go on lots of holidays or live in a big house. We only just manage but we have 4 happy teenagers who always get the chance to take part in things. I do sometimes resent the fact I will find it very hard to get back into work and I.also feel lonely at times but it works for us.

Its not healthy to be a sahp. There have been many studies on women being the primary caregiver suggesting from depression, isolation, anxiety and slower cognitive processing.

I suspect that's because many women who are SAHPs have useless husbands. I haven't, so I'm good.

Wow. There are some seriously defensive posters on this thread. If you are happy being a SAHP then more power to you. I did it for 6 years and I'm now working FT so I absolutely see both sides. But be aware that by being the parent who stops work, allowing the other to progress his career, you are absolutely putting yourself in a vulnerable position. It may or may not (hopefully) come back to bite you, but there may come a day when you regret being the one who stayed home for an extended period of time. Personally I'm much happier now that I'm working again and it gives me a much greater sense of security and confidence.

Its not healthy to be a sahp. There have been many studies on women being the primary caregiver suggesting from depression, isolation, anxiety and slower cognitive processing.
Is it any wonder when SAHP are subject to such vitriolic comments time and time again. In the case of the OP from her own husband.

Its not healthy to be a sahp. There have been many studies on women being the primary caregiver suggesting from depression, isolation, anxiety and slower cognitive processing.

Fuck me.

Wow. There are some seriously defensive posters on this thread. If you are happy being a SAHP then more power to you. I did it for 6 years and I'm now working FT so I absolutely see both sides. But be aware that by being the parent who stops work, allowing the other to progress his career, you are absolutely putting yourself in a vulnerable position. It may or may not (hopefully) come back to bite you, but there may come a day when you regret being the one who stayed home for an extended period of time. Personally I'm much happier now that I'm working again and it gives me a much greater sense of security and confidence.

I think what grinds my gears is that some people seem to be quite certain that SAHP's do not know that they are not vulnerable and may regret it. That they might not be doing this in spite of that.

And I swear, I have a vision of the three witches of fucking Macbeth stirring their pots and muttering about 'whaddaboutyer pension' any time SAHP's come up on MN. Because that's never come up before. . .'

Its not healthy to be a sahp. There have been many studies on women being the primary caregiver suggesting from depression, isolation, anxiety and slower cognitive processing

Do you understand how studies work?

are vulnerable. . . shit.

Slower cognitive responses?

WTF?!

haven't RTFT but in answer to your question OP
your DP should respect you regardless of whether you are working at home raising children and running a house OR doing a paid job
there are pros and cons for both, and some families don't get to choose whether to have 1 or both parents working
If your DH thinks you have it so easy I suggest you get a job without telling him and see how he manages

I don’t think I would respect a partner who expected me to finance everything as they didn’t want to work. I want a partnership where everything is shared not just one person taking the burden.

I’d also be worried about the example it would set to our children. I don’t want them thinking men have to work and women don’t. We teach them to aim high and study hard, little point if they believe they don’t need to work.

You could work evenings . Him getting home between 5-6 is reasonable for you to maybe do something part time

If you are happy being a SAHP then more power to you.

That’s all very well, if her husband is also happy. But clearly he isn’t, and that’s clearly making OP unhappy - what’s the point of cheerleading her choices? She needs to sit down with her husband and actually have a conversation about their future, not get reassurance from randoms on the internet that she’s got every right to stay at SAHM if that’s what she wants.

I don't feel depressed, isolated or anxious. I can't comment on my cognitive processing, since I'm hardly impartial, but it seems okay!
I do get pissed off at the notion that studying is wasted unless one is directly generating money. Education is never wasted and anyone who thinks otherwise could do with improving their own.

My children have grown up in a loving home, with parents who respect each others contribution to the household. I consider that a pretty good example to set.

@dimplesmcgee did you read my whole post? I was actually directing that at the other posters beforehand who were super defensive about their choice to be a SAHP, not the OP. If you re-read my post, you'll see that I was actually pointing out how being a SAHP leaves you in a very vulnerable position and that I have found working FT to be a very positive thing after 6 years at home...

I was a SAHP for 4.5 years and then worked a job share doing 2 days a week and have literally this week gone back to work nearly full time.

My dc are 9 (year 5) and 6 ( year1).

When the DC were little I absolutely felt like I wanted to be at home and it felt like the right choice. DH changed jobs and he got a massive payrise, we could afford to move and times were good.

Then a job share came along as ds started reception and it would have been crazy to turn it down.

DD started reception in sept 2019 and I just felt a bit of shift in DH's attitude towards me. Comments like wasn't I lucky going to play tennis (which I was), meeting friends etc. I stopped talking what I was doing as I felt guilty.

Also in the last 10 years DH hasn't really had a payrise. All our costs have gone up and we have just stagnated financially. We never thought we'd still be in the same house and were becoming more and more disheartened over finances.

Anyway since my new job was agreed dhbhas really opened up about how he's been feeling really stressed about money feeling like the responsibility is all on him etc and I have noticed a shift in his attitude again in a positive way.

I definitely think you need to sit down and discuss with you DH how he feels.

There are some seriously defensive posters on this thread.
Because there are some seriously belligerent comments.