Is it not really possible to remain sahm to school age children and dh have any respect for you?

[Zorona]

Have other people managed this? I feel really down recently dh I am not sure if he likes me much any more. I think that he resents me being at home when he is at work. I get little comments from him here and there. Sure I could look into going back to work but the upheaval for the family and for my children I think it is better I am at home 😔 my pay would likely be so low that it’s not worth the upheaval. Is the answer to go back to work even if the pay is low so everything feels more equal?

Also women in dual income families can be equally screwed if they divorced because what they earn isn't sufficient to support themselves and the children. Working doesn't offer as much protection against divorce poverty as one might assume.
The only way to really be okay is to have a higher paid job

This suggests you lack confidence..
You said
am scared to pay for any courses in case I fail at prospective job and it will be a waste of money.

So do the course
Do some volunteering in school hours
Get some self confidence

Whether you do paid work or not more self confidence will set you up for when dc leave home as they will.

I'm a SAHM. It's not through choice, although both my (adopted) DDs are in school, aged 10 and 7. DD1 has SEN and attachment issues, and has always needed lots of appointments. Juggling these around DD2's needs is hard with even one person working. I do claim carer's allowance, £65 per week.

In addition, I have MH issues (PTSD because of childhood SA and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome), so my chances of getting back into the workforce at age 50 are virtually nil. I do voluntary work with a Christian charity for Central Asian women, which I love.

If you can get back into work, I really believe you should; some of the excuses on here are pretty lame, I agree. Otherwise there's a good chance you'll wake up one morning, once your DC have grown up, and realise that that ship has sailed away. I suspect that's one reason why some women that have done this become the MILs that DILs complain about on other threads.

This comes down to a couple of things as I see it.

1. Do you, as a family need the money you working would bring in?

If yes, then that is a shared responsibility and you should sit and discuss how that is achievable- working evenings etc, and the consequences of the thing he would need to do in your absence if you were and how that dynamic would work.

1. If you don't need the money, do you WANT to work?

If you want to (and work brings so much more to a person than just money, I don't think I realised just how much until I went back to work after having children) then why not? Can you find something on an evening once or twice a week to give you a bit of something for yourself?

1. Or if you don't need the money, do you have a long term aspiration for which you would need to study etc.

You mention above you fear failing if you did. Well that's life. Not just study or work. But if there's a dream you want to pursue and you don't go for it then you will definitely fail to reach it. Better to fail trying than fail because you didn't try. If you want to and can afford to study, you certainly have the time, so do something about it. If you are in the able to afford it you are in an enviable position. Seize it.

Being at home all the time and a sah parent changes the person. No two ways about it. Maybe one of the things he loved about you was your work ethic, the fire in your belly for work when you used to, the conversation that brought about. Maybe that's the issue at play here.

Whatever, I think it needs to start with a conversation.

I am a SAHM to DC 8 and 5. I've been fortunate enough for my DH to consider that without my role in the family that his job wouldn't be possible (long hours, high powered). He has never made me feel like he resents me or has no respect for me. As it turns out I am ready to go back to work now and have taking on a few volunteer roles during school hours to dip my toe back in the water and DH has been very supportive. I don't think it would have worked out for us if DH had have shown any resentment towards me as I've found my role as SAHM the last 8 years to be very important.

Does he understand that if you go back to work he will be expected to do exactly half of everything.

Make a very long list of everything you do and discuss with him what you will be expecting him to do off that list regardless of what you will be earning.
You could get a weekend job. That way he would be expected to take care of the kids and house all weekend on his own.
I'll bet he'll soon back down once your expectations are spelled out.

I have NC for this. I am a SAHM to school aged DC. I grew up in a single parent family. My mother was a single mum and had to work 2 jobs to pay the bills (zero help from my father) so she was basically never around. I can remember crying at my school assemblies because it felt like I was the only child who didn't have a parent there, and I was one of the very few children who was picked up by a childminder and not their mum. I had a lovely childminder but I just wanted my mum.

I would never tell this to my mum as it would break her heart and she had no choice whatsoever - she had to work and that's all there was to it, I totally understand that. We have a great relationship. But - as I have the choice - I want to never run the risk of not being able to go to my DC's school plays, swimming galas. I want to pick them up from school and help them with homework.

I'm not saying that working parents don't do all of the above, of course they do, but it is harder to is my point. I don't want it to be hard. DH earns 125k, we can afford for me not to work and he's happy for me to stay at home and be responsible for most of the domestic stuff because at the end of the day it also makes his life easier. He is great and does his fair share and if I wanted to go back to work I know he would happily support me through that too. Now DC are at school I do some volunteering during the day for a women's refuge and some reading with children for a literacy charity. I have two degrees in English lit and occasionally get the odd bit of freelance work too but it's not much.

Yes, DH could leave me and take all the money and leave me in the shit. I don't think he will, but I accept that there is never certainty in this life. I accept that. If that happens that happens and I will have to go back to work. For now, I understand that risk and I am happy to take it.

DH pays into a pension on my behalf.

If the above makes me pathetic then fine, I'm pathetic. I'm perfectly happy with my choice, I'm not naive and I also recognise that others wouldn't be happy with the same choice.

I also see a lot of comments on here along the lines of "what will you do once your DC have grown up?". I don't understand these comments. Even if I had no DC at all I'd be happy staying at home. I'm a homebody. I love being at home. I love to read, I love to cook, I love to garden, I love to look after my animals (I have several). I love trips away with DH, with my sisters and mother and with my friends. I love the small amount of voluntary work that I do. I have plenty in my life which doesn't involve my children.

A lot of PPs make it sound like it’s impossible to run a household unless one person (usually the woman) is an SAHP. This thread is like a time warp going back to the 50s!
Most people actually do manage to maintain a family where both partners work full time without the result being a dirty hovel for a house and traumatized offspring for children!

Same deal here. I am a SAHM and he works very hard. He claims there’s no disrespect there but there definitely is at times. I’ve learnt to suck it up but every now and then we do argue and I tell him if I went back to work we’d lose most of the money in childcare for before / after school clubs and our children would be raised by childminders!

Most people actually do manage to maintain a family where both partners work full time without the result being a dirty hovel for a house and traumatized offspring for children!

I've said this before but for me (and indeed us!) the idea of spending my life "managing", "coping" and juggling was in no way attractive!

So being a sahm means you'll be a nightmare mil? What a crock of shit.
My mum's mil was a pita - she was plenty busy with her job. Mine had her moments too and she also worked full time.

Most people actually do manage to maintain a family where both partners work full time without the result being a dirty hovel for a house and traumatized offspring for children!

@aspinAmazon Thank you for the injection of common sense here!

Then you’ll see the threads going like: my husband left me, I haven’t worked for 20 years, I don’t know what to do... and the replies: don’t worry love, just take him to the cleaners.

In 2020, this is deeply upsetting. We should all aim at being strong independent adults raising strong independent children giving them the example and the tools of what real life is.

Do you think children with a sahp don't grow up to be strong and independent? I must tell my adult son. Oh wait, I can't because he's at work.
I'm a sahp whose own parents worked ft when I was a child. Raising children to be strong adults is about more than the employment status of parents.

@AspiringAmazon
I fully agree, I’ve always worked long hours whilst bring up 4DC, single handedly for many years.
I find comments like the idea of spending my life "managing", "coping" and juggling was in no way attractive! quite arrogant and insulting and find some attitudes on MN are very backward, lots of women happy to be reliant on a man for everything, they live in a bubble where nothing will ever change; huge shock coming if DH asks for a divorce!!
My DC say now as young adults that they are proud of me and the example I set them to work hard and achieve and I’m equally proud of them.

Personally, I think women can make themselves very financially vulnerable by prioritising staying at home. You need to think long term
^
These are words of a wise person. I had a big wake up call when someone close to me husband past suddenly.
She had chosen not to work for a very long period. Thankfully well educated and professionally qualified she was eventually able to get back in the workforce but it was not easy.
Volunteer, upskill and get back to doing something meaningful for yourself, your family and society.
My worse nightmare would be accompanying my DH to a work event and not have anything to say when asked what I did.

quite arrogant and insulting and find some attitudes on MN are very backward, lots of women happy to be reliant on a man for everything, they live in a bubble where nothing will ever change; huge shock coming if DH asks for a divorce!

Woah there's an assumption. Me being a SAHM was totally self-funded. I maintained my contribution to the "family pot" throughout the six years I was off work, I was in no way EVER reliant on my husband financially.

We then decided to separate and I started my own business - mainly to maintain the time I spent with my daughter.

To be fair there would be limited job opportunities which would allow her to work during school hours.

Still the blithe way she casually dismisses his very valid concerns and tries to paint him as unreasonable for even expressing them is bound to leave him feeling taken for granted. If she were to sympathize with him and agree he has a point, I'm sure that would go a long way to smoothing things over.

@jacq
Don’t just highlight what suits you!
Do you think many SAHM can magically self fund for years? Don’t use yourself as an example when it’s very uncommon.

A lot of PPs make it sound like it’s impossible to run a household unless one person (usually the woman) is an SAHP.
I think a lot of posters choose to interpret 'having a SAHP works best for our family' that way.

Do you think many SAHM can magically self fund for years? Don’t use yourself as an example when it’s very uncommon

I was using myself as an example for me in response to your assumptions.

If you’re that bothered about my opinions for my family, I’d maybe examine whether I was quite so secure in the choices I had made.

A lot of PPs make it sound like it’s impossible to run a household unless one person (usually the woman) is an SAHP.

I don't think anyone has said that at all, what people have said is that it makes it easier, which is true.

I’m perfectly happy in my choices as the thought of staying at home would have bored me to tears. To assume coping and managing is an awful thing is insulting, life is a juggle but no one is worse off for it.
I highly doubt many women self fund 6 years do you?

To assume coping and managing is an awful thing is insulting, life is a juggle but no one is worse off for it

if you're insulted by some faceless entity on a forum giving their opinon, then I don't believe you're secure in your choices.

You've done it your way, I've done it my way. I'm very happy, you purport to be - there's no issue.

@outnoutthere
Definitely not disputing that it’s much easier to manage if one person is a SAHP but a lot of things in life are hard, that doesn’t mean they can’t be done or that they shouldn’t be attempted.

I don't understand why there has to be so much aggression on this topic. I do understand that everyone gets defensive and takes things personally - so a WOHP saying they would hate being at home and would be bored might make me feel like they are saying I must be stupid and/or dull. And a SAHP saying they would hate to miss out on things like their kid's assemblies or whatever might make a WOHP feel like they are being deliberately guilted.

I don't think either is true. I don't see why we can't respect one another's choices without being aggressive and insulting.