Is it not really possible to remain sahm to school age children and dh have any respect for you?

[Zorona]

Have other people managed this? I feel really down recently dh I am not sure if he likes me much any more. I think that he resents me being at home when he is at work. I get little comments from him here and there. Sure I could look into going back to work but the upheaval for the family and for my children I think it is better I am at home 😔 my pay would likely be so low that it’s not worth the upheaval. Is the answer to go back to work even if the pay is low so everything feels more equal?

OP I haven't read through all of the replies to your post yet,I will when I have typed this ☺️. I just wanted to say I'm a Housewife,can't really say SAHM as my daughter is now in Year 9 of Secondary school and will be 14 in a few months. I wouldn't worry yourself about it. You have to do what is right for you and your family. Have a chat with your husband about it all and try to get him to say what he's been feeling. I know it must be hard if you're feeling that he's making snide comments etc. I finished work before my daughter was born,was signed off by the doctor as had had a rough pregnancy with lots of the usual problems and some others. My husband and I always said that I would be a SAHM when daughter was born. He has a fairly good wage so can easily do this. My health has gone downhill in the last 5 years and I now have a few chronic conditions which leave me feeling pretty crap in one way or an other. I wouldn't be able to hold down a job for long because of this and the anxiety that comes with it as I hardly leave home. Luckily I inherited everything from my grandparents and this gave me a good inheritance so was able to move to a detached house round the corner from where we previously lived but in a quieter road. We were able to pay cash for the house so no mortgage and then I paid also for the complete modernising of the entire house. So I paid my share up front so to speak (roughly about £315k) so I don't feel as guilty as I would in my circumstance if this hadn't been the case. Yes my husband pays all of the bills and pays me housekeeping but he saves the most by not having to worry about the biggest bill we would have had if we hadn't been so fortunate. Everyone's circumstances are different so people shouldn't always judge. Do what's right for you and your family but clear the air and discuss it with your husband. ☺️ x

@whysthepoweroff Obviously there is still a gender pay gap but women in their 20s often out earn their male counterparts. I'm not against SAHMs at all but I think it's wrong that women are often the ones to give up work often as a temporary fix but then struggle to get back into the workplace.

I wouldn’t advise any woman to give up her career and be a sahm. It makes you financially dependent, your professional skills become outdated, you have no pension contributions, your DH may start to see you as a dull housewife or even a burden, and you are terribly vulnerable if your marriage is one of the 50% that end in divorce.
I also don’t understand why some PPs claim it’s so hard to work when you have children?

I was widowed with a two year old and a baby - I didn’t have a choice, I had to work full time and do all the housework myself, just like every other lone parent manages to do.
If you have a DH to share the chores, diy, gardening, cooking, shopping etc then it must be a piece of cake by comparison!
OP, I think having a job would do wonders for your self esteem, confidence, pension and finances. And your DH would perhaps view you with more respect when you are no longer a mere dependent, but a salaried adult equal - he couldn’t take you for granted any more.

I think you underestimate some people's ability to take others for granted, Babdoc . And it may be that unless she can jump into earning an equal amount, he'll still view her as dependent and expect her to do all the housework/childcare because her little job isn't as important as his. But hopefully not.

Jesus, @Bluntness100, I feel like saving that response and pasting it in every time the inane “bill him for what you do” line crops up on a thread like this.

Some bloody pathetic excuses on here for not actually going back to work when children are at school.
👆
Quite!

@Babdoc, I disagree with you. A career break whilst children are small doesn’t not mean that your professional skills become outdated.

In answer to OP, do what what works for your family. Talk to your dh about the comments and what work you may or may not consider.

I went back after 7 years, to a similar position paying considerably more than I left on. The only thing I struggled with was excel!

I am so much happier for returning to work, I don’t feel like all the parenting and housework is down to me, our share of the load seems more equal. Prior to returning booking holidays/days out/ large purchases would have been more considered that they are now. Time with the children is also much better, i collect them from the childminder at 6pm and get excited children who are happy to see me, and we have a quality evening. Childcare works week, they are with a childminder between 3-6 pm and happy and settled.

If you want to work, go forth. If you don’t, I can understand why and think you should nip the comments in the bud!

Of course it's possible, but being a SAHP has to be a joint decision. I'm a SAHP to school age children and we do that because it works for us, husband does shifts sometimes leaving the house at 4am and on late shifts getting home at 11 so unless we paid for 4 children to do breakfast club/after school costing £40 a day it's just not worth it to us when you add all the extra stress that goes along with that, but we make sacrifices for me to do that, that we're both happy to do so, I do all housework, cooking, cleaning, laundry and am happy to do that, but couldn't and wouldn't continue if I was being made to feel bad for it. We also share all money that comes into the house.

Well your pay might be low initially but it doesn't have to stay low.

Personally I value my time at work but my DH is supportive & we work as a team.

I’m a single mum and we just have to make it work. There’s nothing wrong with being a sahp but it has to be with the agreement of the earning parent and it sounds like it’s not. All the pps who seem to think it’s impossible to work with children are wrong. Us single mums make it work.

Hi OP. I think it's also about respecting oneself. I like myself better now that I'm back to work, and definitely have more to talk about!

This is by no means a smug post; I am not a naturally disciplined person (think dressing gown, daytime TV and endless cuppas and food, if I had my way ), and work gives me a sense of purpose and routine that being at home all day didn't. This is important for my mental wellbeing.

@zsazsajuju

Agreed, and single mum of 3 here. That said, I'm lucky enough to work school hours, even if the money isn't great

@Babdoc

I couldn't agree more. A woman should keep her hand in at work, in order to not to become financially dependent on a man.
I thought I would be with my (high earning) husband forever, but sadly he and the other woman had other ideas!!
You never know what will happen.

I've noticed a pattern at my kids primary school. Kids have a SAHM, once youngest is at school husband starts making noises about wife returning to work. Suddenly a third baby appears and the decision is put off for another 5 years. Or it seems a perfect time to get a family dog after which they realise it can't possibly be left on its own all day ...

If it really works for those families, fair play, but I there is often a sense of tetchiness from the men that being the sole breadwinner forever was not what they signed up for.

I also think work can be very positive for mothers. My sister gave it all up to raise her children and support her husband's high flying career. Now her kids are teens and she moans about feeling like nothing more than someone's "old mum" taken for granted (like teenagers do!) and that her husband seems to find her boring these days. She was top of the class at school and was expected to have an amazing career; she's now regretting that she didn't.

We had a conversation when I took redundancy from work while on maternity with my second child. My DH was happy for me to be a SAHM so I tried it. For me, it didn't work, but going back into employment with school drop offs to handle etc seemed a challenge and neither of us wanted to pay loads for childcare.

With his support I started my own small business from home. For the first year or two, while I had a tiny baby and young toddler I would often not even make £400 a month. But now, 5 years in, I have total flexibility to work around the kids, do all pick up and drop off, can accommodate illness cover relatively easily, and I now clear more per month than when I was working part time.

I'm looking to increase workload now my youngest is settled into school.

Could you look at something similar?

I am a SAHM and have one child in sixth form and the other in secondary. Initially I worked, part-time and Dh and I shared the drop off/pick up from nursery as we only had one child at the time.

Since then, Dh's job changed and we relocated. At that point I had to leave my job as Dh's career was much better paid than my job and it made sense to be a trailing spouse (not the first time we relocated for his job.)

Because we had initially shared the nursery runs, Dh has a full appreciation of what is involved in juggling work/childcare and a sick child as we did it together.

My health over the years has deteriorated and it would be difficult for me to even work part time. But Dh doesn't want me to anyway. I do all the housework, cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping etc homework, book reading, school admin. Dh does cooking on the weekend as he loves it, and house/car insurance. The children take the bins out

I have provided childcare for an inset day because there is no childcare available here for that. I can cover all the 13 weeks of school holidays and have done for other people, usually best friends of my children. I am here for when norovirus hit and took down both children, separately.

If you are going to sit down and have a conversation about even the idea of returning to work, you need to list everything you currently do and then tell your Dh he needs to be prepared to do half. Discuss sick days for the children, how you will divide up school holidays. Start from a full time job position, do some research on salary/hours. Some people are just blind to the benefits of having a SAH partner. Plus then the cost of childcare, before and after school clubs, holiday clubs etc. Remember that if you use a childminder they are less likely to collect your child from an after school activity too.

Dh openly admits he loves nothing more than coming home to a cooked family meal and after dinner plates are in the dishwasher there is no housework to be done.

I don't have to justify my SAH status to anyone, yes housework does not take all day. And? Dh is fully supportive of what I do. His own Mum was a SAHM and he has great memories of spending time with her, even in his teen years.

I am a single co-parent and work a full time job with a primary school age child. It’s not that hard, she goes to a childminder 3 days and I pick her up two days a week from school. Many many families - the large majority - have two working parents.

You are in a very vulnerable situation. You worry your husband ‘doesn’t like you’ and you don’t have any income. If I were you I’d be using this time to study, get a decent job and be prepared for the future if he’s not going to stick around.

Some bloody pathetic excuses on here for not actually going back to work when children are at school.

⬆️Couldn't agree more⬆️

I'm not a SAHM and never would be..I did have a period of unemployment and although money was not necessarily an issue, I don't think I would have done it on a permanent basis. Work benefits.go.beyond having extra money.

It does sound like you lack confidence. This makes the situation tricky as it’ll be clouding your judgement on whether you really want to go back to work. And will make your more sensitive to pressure from husband. Have you thought about volunteering for a bit before decided what you want to do. It’ll give you some confidence and is a good way of testing the waters before paying for a course. Did you have a career before? Or are you looking to change?

People don't need 'excuses' for not returning to work. Their lives, their choices. People have the right to organise family life in the way that best suits them.

Not everyone believes that the struggle to balance work and home is worth it, not everyone lives in places with lots of employment and flexible childcare. Some people don't want to end up working and doing most of the house/child stuff, which is what happens if one partner has a more full on job and isn't physically there to do their 50%.

Single parents undeniably have a harder time of it, but there's no choice for them. Of the working single parents I know, they've all had to compromise their careers in order to care for their dc - it would be very difficult to travel abroad at short notice or do long hours unless you have access to really good child care. Not everyone does,which is partly why a lot of women sah.

@Aderyn19 but both parents have to be in agreement on the situation. One can't decide they want to stay at home if the other isn't in agreement.

I think he has a point ,but working when children are in School 9 to 3 is not easy .Unless you are a Teacher .Most jobs between these hours are very sought after and with TA posts being decimated by the Govt are in v short supply .Can you work evenings /W/E at all/ Maybe childminding?The upshot is that if you were to divorce(hopefully not obv)! You would be on thin ice !

Some bloody pathetic excuses on here for not actually going back to work when children are at school.

Like what? It works best for their family, shocking

Yes, they do have to agree, but what I think is really unfair is when the woh parent enjoys the benefits of a sah spouse (when the DC are young and particularly hard to care for) and then as soon as they get a bit easier wants the sahp to jump back into work simply because they can't bear the thought that she might be doing slightly less than them for a few hours in the day.
Mostly men like the OP's dh don't acknowledge that sah has cost the wife in career terms or even though she has a few hours to herself in the day, she will still be doing lots of things to make family life easier over all (all the after school care, sickness, holidays).
It's the idea that she should do any old job to fit in with school and the dh's job. When does she get to do what fulfills her?

I suspect her husband is not going to embrace changing his life in order to support her rebuild a career. I think he just wants her to do any old job because he resents her having an easier time of it. I think that's a horrible attitude in a spouse.