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Original poster

Is it not really possible to remain sahm to school age children and dh have any respect for you?

452 replies

Zorona · 11/02/2020 10:19

Have other people managed this? I feel really down recently dh I am not sure if he likes me much any more. I think that he resents me being at home when he is at work. I get little comments from him here and there. Sure I could look into going back to work but the upheaval for the family and for my children I think it is better I am at home 😔 my pay would likely be so low that it’s not worth the upheaval. Is the answer to go back to work even if the pay is low so everything feels more equal?

OP posts:
assilem92 · 13/02/2020 15:38

I wouldn't be a SAHM when my children are school age, that's time to get out and work and enjoy being out of the house and socialising. You could do an agency job, choose your hours until you find your feet.

I don't see the need to be at home if my DS isn't there. If I could be out earning some extra money I would be. Nothing to lose, especially if they're in school

ferrier · 13/02/2020 18:36

People massively underestimate the consequences of a few years out of work

The opposite actually except for the minority in decent careers.
There are big advantages to being in extremely flexible work while dc are still young - certainly though primary school.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 13/02/2020 19:41

But flexibility is much easier to find by staying in work in most cases, not leaving it. All the women I know with flexible working arrangements or who work part-time but not at a very junior level did that by staying at their pre-DC employers and going part-time after having DC. One major regret of mine is that I changed jobs to something more 9-5 after I had DS - if I'd done it first then they would have approved a request to go part-time after having him (they always do) but they weren't willing to offer me that as a new, unknown staff member so I'm currently putting in the time before requesting to go down to four days. I looked a lot and jobs advertised as part-time that aren't very low level are very thin on the ground, at least where I live. And women returning from long 'career breaks' are often encouraged to go for things like low-level school jobs or retail, but those jobs may be part-time but they're a) appallingly paid, which is where you get the 'working doesn't cover childcare' issue and b) actually not very flexible. I have a lot more flexibility as a middle manager who manages my own diary than if I worked in most NMW jobs, or indeed than the administrators or receptionists in my office do.

Oliversmumsarmy · 13/02/2020 19:42

I wouldn't be a SAHM when my children are school age, that's time to get out and work and enjoy being out of the house and socialising. You could do an agency job, choose your hours until you find your feet

How would you feel if you had no support, a dh who works overseas and have only just moved to a new area?

rockingrobin1 · 13/02/2020 19:57

How would you feel if you had no support, a dh who works overseas and have only just moved to a new area?

I would assume the DH is working overseas & getting compensated nicely for it? Why else work away from your family? Therefore I would expect to be able to afford some form of childcare. Often when moving to a new area work is a good way of meeting people, making friends & building a support network.

ProfessorPootle · 13/02/2020 20:31

I think it is possible but is entirely dependent on your dh and how he feels about SAHP, does he see and appreciate everything you do? It doesn’t sound like he does. As others have said you need to discuss this with him and find out why he’s making comments and point out what he’d be required to do if you’re also working full time.

My dc are both in school and my dh would prefer that I didn’t work at all, he has mentioned a few times that he’d prefer if I was a SAHP but it doesn’t work for me personally. I left work when eldest was born as was working in an industry with extremely long hours and lots of travel. I started my own business from home instead as soon as youngest was in school (he’s also very needy / anxious and I couldn’t get anything done while he was at home). I work school hours and occasional weekends/evenings, means I’m around to do school runs, take dc to clubs, am here if they’re ill, am totally flexible.

As others have mentioned, having no work experience over a number of years can really set you back when you are ready to get back to work. I volunteer in my youngest dc’s year group where I run the weekly food technology lessons with another parent. It’s really good fun and dc who is still quite anxious likes that I come into school one afternoon per week. In the past I’ve volunteered to help in his class with reading/maths/swimming etc. Does your dcs school have parent volunteers? If you wanted to get an idea of what it’s like to work in a school maybe worth giving it a go, is useful experience for future job hunting when dcs are older.

AdriannaP · 13/02/2020 20:34

What about your pension? Is your plan to tely on your husband financially for the rest of your life?
That’s a lot of pressure- I am not surprised he is feeling resentful.

Oliversmumsarmy · 13/02/2020 20:40

rockingrobin1

Have you ever moved to a new area with 2 preschoolers.

All sounds so easy written down.

I have lived in this house for 20 years and only know my neighbours name because letters have occasionally got mixed up

Trying to make friends in any new area when you live as a single parent is hard if most of the other mums are married.

rockingrobin1 · 13/02/2020 20:46

No I haven't @Oliversmumsarmy but my mum moved to another country whilst pregnant with me leaving behind all her family, my dad was also an immigrant. I don't really understand why not knowing your neighbours has anything to do with working.

Scott72 · 13/02/2020 20:49

"Is your plan to rely on your husband financially for the rest of your life?"

That seems to be what she expects.

rockingrobin1 · 13/02/2020 20:50

were you a single parent @Oliversmumsarmy or were you married with a dh working overseas?

LizzieSiddal · 13/02/2020 21:01

I’ve been extremely lucky- I was a SAHM for many years. I lacked confidence to go back to work and spent several years, wanting to get back into my career area, but just not getting nowhere. I say I’m lucky because DH encouraged me to join the successful company he’d set up (while I was being a SAHM) and now we run it together. He’s an amazing person who has only ever supported and encouraged me.

However, I know I’m lucky because it could so easily have been different. I’m 54 and I’ve got so many friends who did the same as me and are now separated, their Hs have fab careers and they do not! I’ve always encouraged my dds that it’s important to nourish their careers no matter what.

Ibizafun · 13/02/2020 22:39

My children are young adults, I don’t work apart from voluntary and dh isn’t even their father but he couldn’t care less, he still respects me!

Oliversmumsarmy · 14/02/2020 00:08

No I wasn’t a single parent but was on my own with 2 dc.

Dp never came to any school activity, parent teachers evening or and ECA

I don’t think even people I did become friends with believed I had a Dp
Most thought I was a single parent.

rockingrobin1 · 14/02/2020 04:11

so your dh never came back from overseas? Surely it was financially compensated though so if you wanted to have some help you could afford it?

My dad had a very demanding job for an international bank & I didn't see him M-F & he often went abroad.

LellyMcKelly · 14/02/2020 04:36

Millions of women go back to work full time or part time once their kids are at school. It sounds like your making excuses to avoid it. Being a SAHP is a luxury, not a necessity. Your husband may well be concerned that he’s the only breadwinner. If he loses his job how would the bills get paid, for example? That’s quite a burden to carry.

Aderyn19 · 14/02/2020 07:21

Even in dual income households though, the bills might not get paid if one person became unemployed. I think on MN there are quite a few high earners whose households could get by on either salary and the additional one is for extras.

Oliversmumsarmy · 14/02/2020 08:21

rockingrobin1 dp worked 2 weeks in 4 abroad. He wasn’t on a basic uk salary for his qualifications. So no he didn’t get extra for working abroad.

Because he was working he also couldn’t go to anything to do with the dc.

He once mooted that I should get a proper 9-5 job. The conversation lasted all of 2 minutes when I told him that if I got a 9-5 job then he needed to change jobs to one where he could start pulling his weight at home if I too was working.

No way was I going to get the dc up at 6am to get to a childminder then do a full days work and get home after picking children up taking them to their ECAs, getting home cooking tea putting dc to bed then clean the house

Oliversmumsarmy · 14/02/2020 08:23

sorry He was on a basic uk salary.

There were no perks to him working abroad

Oliversmumsarmy · 14/02/2020 08:29

Financially we would have ended up worse off and me being knackered and Dp upset that he was coming home to an empty house with the breakfast things still being in the sink and the beds unmade.

I worked around everyone doing the odd job here and there.

No way could I have done a ft job and supported Dp and dc.

Having said that the 2 weeks Dp was away I can see how single parents could do it.

It was so much less stressful with him out of the house.

allthedamnvampires · 14/02/2020 09:03

He would be upset by unmade beds @Oliversmumsarmy? No wonder it was easier with him out the house. Sounds like another child!

rockingrobin1 · 14/02/2020 09:33

Was your DH not at home then for 2 weeks? @Oliversmumsarmy. I don't think it's the norm for someone to work overseas & be away from their family when they could earn the same here tbh & he doesn't sound particularly willing to compromise.

No way was I going to get the dc up at 6am to get to a childminder then do a full days work and get home after picking children up taking them to their ECAs, getting home cooking tea putting dc to bed then clean the house

That's not the reality of working though for everyone & your situation was very much determined by your dh not compromising. My dh recently had 2 job offers, he took the one that offered him the 1 day a week wfh option in order to make all our lives easier.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 14/02/2020 09:37

I wouldn't work while married to a man like your DH either, oliversmumsarmy, but I'd fix that by no longer being married to him, not by giving up work!

Oliversmumsarmy · 14/02/2020 10:42

I don’t think I am alone in having a Dp like this.

Not everyone has husbands who are physically able to do their share of the housework or the pick ups or drop offs.

Dp got the job in his 50s and whilst he could have held out for a job that was a lot more flexible you have to be realistic.
In his profession mid 40s onwards and you are pretty much on the scrap heap.
Companies can get younger people to do the job and they cost much less.

SandyY2K · 14/02/2020 10:59

@Scott72

"Is your plan to rely on your husband financially for the rest of your life?

I was going to ask this too?
Why would anyone want to be in a position of financial vulnerability for ever?

Situations of dependency give rise to contempt.

I never dreamt of being a SAHM even before my DC started school. Everyone is different...but staying at home and not earning wasn't good for my mental health.

I'm more than a mum and a wife and quite honestly, being a mum with daughters, I didn't want them growing up to think this should be their lives.

What sense would it make to encourage them to achieve and get a good education for a good career, if all they see me do is school runs, cooking and cleaning.

I know I wouldn't respect myself if I didn't work with children of school age. As long as I was in good health, so I wouldn't expect my DH too. I certainly wouldn't respect him being a non earner if our kids were in school.