Is it not really possible to remain sahm to school age children and dh have any respect for you?

[Zorona]

Have other people managed this? I feel really down recently dh I am not sure if he likes me much any more. I think that he resents me being at home when he is at work. I get little comments from him here and there. Sure I could look into going back to work but the upheaval for the family and for my children I think it is better I am at home 😔 my pay would likely be so low that it’s not worth the upheaval. Is the answer to go back to work even if the pay is low so everything feels more equal?

I find these posts so depressing.

You know single parents manage full time proffesional jobs.

Go and use this time to retrain. Do something that will bring in money. Your DH could leave tomorrow and then you'd have to get a job and do everything anyway.

Being a mum is important. But it's not a full time occupation. Proven by the fact lots of people manage to be a mum and have a job.

My exH's attitude to me changed completely when I stopped working in my better paid job, and stayed home with the kids. He was a totally abusive cunt though

@Peony1234 I did read it all but didn’t realise you weren’t directing your comments to the OP. Fair enough!

I'm in the same boat as OP. My younger DC started school already and I am looking, but kind of not looking for a job. My OH has well paid job and does a lot of extra jobs in the evening and weekends, so ALL childcare, organising and cleaning falls to me. Regardless, he started mentioning I should get myself a job. I am looking, but could only find some evening jobs on minimum wage, and my DH pointed out he would earn that in an hour what I would get in a week (he is a gas engineer). I am truly stuffed and do not have formal qualifications, although, before DCs I held quite good job, having risen through ranks. Have not worked for almost 6 years now and, realistically, do not know where to start. Also, had our DCs late and am 45 now :(

Agree I found full-time work and juggling kids more drudge like.

You have to put up with all the usual stuff like bitching, work politics and pressures and then return to sort the kids out as well!

"I am looking, but could only find some evening jobs on minimum wage, and my DH pointed out he would earn that in an hour what I would get in a week (he is a gas engineer)."

As others have pointed out, even if the job pays poorly and is part time there are still multiple good reasons for getting it.

It seems like an asshole move on your husbands part though to suggest you get a job, you look like you might get one, and then he points out how poorly it would pay compared to his.

If you had a part time job, say 9-3, then pick up the children, go home to prepare dinner, do home work etc, would he then be prepared to share the house work from 6:30 onwards? Also what happens when they are sick at school? Who needs to collect them? Does he have enough leave to cover School plays and concerts? Then there’s 13 weeks of holidays that need covering and inset days. Personally I wanted to be there for my children but I did get the odd comment of my exh so I got a very part time job, one day a week for 8 hours and left the school runs, paying for after school club, preparing food, and holidays on that day to him. It took him all of about 5 weeks to feel it wasn’t working anymore but was too late, I started enjoying my new found freedom, worked late, new friends, was maybe one of the many things towards the end of our marriage.

@Ihavechangedmyname2manytimes if you rose through the ranks once, what makes you think it won’t happen again?

Not very supportive of your ‘D’H to make a crack about the wage...tell him to get a better hourly wage you’ll need to retrain.

45 is not at all old, it’s at least 20 more years before retirement for most of us.

This is why it’s so important to go back, your confidence slides the longer you are at home.

Maybe I am being cynical but disrespecting your partner because they no longer earn money looks from the outside like they are with their partner because of their pay packet

The fact that from what I have seen in rl most women are in this position because their partners are not in a position to or not willing to do their fair share of housework/children/life admin
They expect their partners to return to work, bringing in the money they used to earn and do all the housework/children/life admin and life for them carries on as before.

Maybe younger men are more willing to compromise but the poster who said she was 45 is typical of a certain generation.

I was able to work around dc (and for what I do probably out earn Dp) but Dp because of his job wasn’t in any position to help in anyway.
He has mooted in the past that I should get a “real” job but I am not qualified for anything and as I pointed out if I got a f/t or even p/t job then he needed to look for a job that was in this country and had no travel and was more flexible as he would need to do his fair share of school runs, after school activities (not that he physically could. He can’t drive at night), housework, diy and general childcare.
All so I could get a minimum wage job

It would also mean we had less money coming in and would have had to downsize and he was unwilling to move

So I am nearly 60 and haven’t worked in a paid job for over 20 years.

I've seen this a lot in my social circle. The man positively encourages the woman to abandon her career prospects and be a SAHM, because it suits and enables his career. A few short years later, her career is a distant dream, and he's now making sarky comments about her being home all day and acts like he had no part at all in the original decision.

I'm not sure of the answer. One friend of mine is seeking work but she has been for about 4 years, does a few bits here and there but isn't really interested, she was born to be a SAHM. My other friend is resentful that she gave up her career and desperately trying to forge a new one to no avail. Neither of them have any agency in their marriages, their financials are overseen by the men, who make quips about how much money the women spend.

I work FT and we use before and after school clubs, the mental load still falls to me and dh has always been vocal about how much easier his friends have it because their wives don't work. I'm possibly a bit extreme on this topic because from day 1 of meeting him i made it clear if babies were on the cards i would never give up my career. I saw my mum raise us single handedly without a penny to our names so I've got it drummed into my head that i must keep on working (i dont actually need to, dh earns enough but things would be tight).

Sit your dh down, describe what life would look like in very real terms if you got a job, you're entitled to also say that's not a life you want. It's your life too. See what he says. I imagine once he realises it will mean £ being spent on wrap around, him sometimes needing to stay off if the kids are ill, you being less "present" etc etc, he might well stop making comments....

"The man positively encourages the woman to abandon her career prospects and be a SAHM, because it suits and enables his career."

I'm sure that happens sometimes, but a lot of the time the woman happily and entirely of her own volition swaps her job for being a SAHM, even where her husband wouldn't mind if she chose to continue working.

I think it mostly happens accidentally. A person (normally, not always, a woman) works out it is cheaper to stay at home with babies and toddlers. Then, as the children reach school age, they have got accustomed to the lifestyle and also lack confidence to seek work. This then gets justified (ex post facto) as something that was always agreed (was it really?) and best for the family.

In addition you have the choice of the SAHP either feeling subservient to the working parent in that they have to do housework/ childcare to someone else’s standards or the working parent having little say in their home and children’s lives, neither of these are good. (Of course, as with all generalities, there are exceptions where parents share decisions brilliantly).

With a really high earner, a stay at home parent makes sense in many ways. On the other hand the pact really does fall apart on divorce, generally to the detriment of the WOHP. Also what does the SAHP do when the ‘children’ leave home? Sometimes they have fantastic hobbies, enjoy entertaining in style and travel. Other times, though, they just lose a sense of purpose and become pretty miserable.

I think that in the modern world, the long term SAHP is a bit of an anachronism, the alternatives being taking turns staying at home or outsourcing child care or finding jobs with flexible working.

I became a sahm when I was Pg with my second. I had a difficult Pg which forced me to give up work at a time when I was on a temp contract and do couldn't just go back. My DH was supportive of whatever I chose to do, but once I sah he soon started to enjoy the benefits. We moved abroad for his job for a while (which was directly linked to his promotions) and is something he would never have been able to do if I had stayed in my career.
He's also had freedom to work without any of the drawbacks parents experience in terms of school holidays, illness etc. So although he would have supported either choice, he has had an easier working life because of my sah.
The downsides are sole responsibility for earning, which is stressful but I think even in many dual income families, both salaries are essential and the family would be just as screwed if one was lost. There are also the financial risks for me of the relationship going pear shaped, but life is risky. I do own half the assets, know where all the money is and have some of it solely in my name (have been on MN for a long time ). I can't make every choice on a 'what if' basis.

Sure I could look into going back to work but the upheaval for the family and for my children I think it is better I am at home

Going back to your post-it does seem that you have just decided you don’t want to work rather than basing this on a discussion with your DH.

It’s stressful being the sole breadwinner and if that was me going out to work full time whilst my partner decided without seeing how I felt that They wouldn’t work when the kids were in school, because it’s a bit of an ‘upheaval’ for them-I’d be pissed off

These decisions have to be made with both people agreeing.

I think a big part of keeping in a toe in is keeping up to date with technology & most importantly maintaining confidence.

I agree life is risky and you can get judgment from an unsupportive partner or family etc whatever you are doing with your career and kids - not everyone has a firm willing to let them do PT work either.

Mine were in FT childcare for years and it was gruelling at very many points, both working when exhausted and taking children not fully well to nursery due to fear of repercussions at work, kids being overhyped by too much nursery time, getting in at 6 and needing to get them to sleep for 7/730, I can't blame anyone for wanting to avoid that but at some point you have to transition back into work, however hard that is.

My exH wanted me to be a SAHM when the children were born, his salary was more than enough to allow it .
I wanted to return though so for 3 years my take home pay was £10 after childrcare.
15 years later he left me and thank goodness I didn't give up working otherwise I'd now be very much a struggling single parent , instead my two day week turned into a school hour week, I did courses etc and now I have enough of a salary to confirtably support myself and the children.
Worth bearing in mind what future you might need .

It's swings and roundabouts really, isn't it. I can't say that I've never had doubts about whether this was the best move. I know that getting back into work would be very difficult if not impossible now. But, we are financially comfortable, we both like that the DC didn't have to go to childcare or school when they were not really well enough and that one of us was here through school holidays etc, so on balance I think this was probably the right thing for us. We also live in an area where well paid jobs are not thick on the ground (but school are good and it's safe and family is close by), so our choices were affected by that too.
Whatever you do in life there will be upsides and downsides and these sah v Woh threads can't take into account that every family is different.
For the OP though,bon the basis of what she has said here, I do think she ought to rtw, but not just in any old job to satisfy a sarky bastard of a husband who has benefited at her expense and now can't bear the thought of her having a bit more free time than him! I think she should make him invest in her future, with retraining and a proper commitment to sharing domestic work 50/50.

I don’t think a couple would need to justify why either of them would stay at home even if there were no DC as long as they weren’t claiming benefits unjustly.

However I think what irks people is when a woman gives up her job for DC and then never expects to work again even though that was never agreed with the other spouse. Even if they don’t earn amazing sum of money they shouldn’t refuse to get any job whatsoever ever again unless both they and their spouse both want that

"but not just in any old job to satisfy a sarky bastard of a husband who has benefited at her expense and now can't bear the thought of her having a bit more free time than him!"

Is he really a bastard? Many posters here agree he's right to now be peeved. Perhaps he is just being unreasonable, but perhaps all he wants is for her to discuss this with him instead of dismissing his concerns.

And benefited at her expense? I know the general theme is that when a woman becomes a SAHM its a huge sacrifice on her part with most of the benefit going to the husband at her expense. Truthfully though it would normally be a mutually beneficial arrangement which benefits both of them about equally.

I personally have always worked full time and made things work, even for five years as a lone parent. However, I do find the attitude of many 'modern' men grating. They are quite happy to have kids, have their wife stay at home taking all the responsibility for housework and childcare and then suddenly they get resentful. School hours jobs are hard to come by and even if you get one, I bet your husband will still expect you to be the one taking time off if the kids are sick, doing the house work, the childcare , oh and contributing financially. All of this while his life remains the same.

Is he really a bastard? Many posters here agree he's right to now be peeved. Perhaps he is just being unreasonable, but perhaps all he wants is for her to discuss this with him instead of dismissing his concerns

He isn’t unreasonable for wanting to discuss a change. He is unreasonable for making digs at the OP rather than saying “we need to have a chat about this” like an adult.

It happens a lot in conservative evangelical churches. Wives are taught to see themselves as 'homemakers', and the husband as the head of the house. Especially the pastor's wife, she often hasn't her own identity. This is changing, and at one church we used to go to, it was refreshing to see that his DW was a GP and played no role as 'pastor's wife'.

Hence there are a lot of women who are SAHMs even when their DC are teenagers. Their husbands don't resent them, as they've been taught that their role is to be the 'breadwinners'.

That isn't the way my DH sees me and we talked a lot about me finding work once both our DDs were in school; out finances were a bit tight due to the pay cap in the public sector.

But then things changed: DD1's needs became more time consuming and harder to handled; she was having violent meltdowns, throwing whatever was to hand and lashing out violently to DD2 and me. Getting help for her meant that it became unrealistic for me to find a job. It led to my MH and issues becoming worse and during her therapy sessions (I was as having therapy myself as well) I developed pneumonia, which then turned into the Chronic Fatigue Syndrome I have now.

Thankfully, my DH has had a promotion at work and we now claim DVLA for DD1 and carer's allowance for me.

But it does make me feel resentful sometimes of the smug 'homemakers', who think they're being very devout and can be critical of working mums. And I'm probably judged by some school mums for not having a job; I always mention the voluntary work I do.

Why is it always women who feel judged for whatever choices they make? Men are not; dads who stay at home to look after their DC while their DW works are praised for the sacrifice and dads who work FT are given sympathy about the stress they're under.

The problem is these days roles have changed in that women, quiet rightly, want more financial independence, and it's often unmanageable to live on one salary. In our grandparents generation it was possible to live on one salary and the roles were clearly defined, the man taking on the financial responsibility for the family and the woman the house and childcare.

What hasn't changed unfortunately is the attitude of many men. Even in families where the man is doing his fair share of the housework and childcare (and lets be fair, it's more common for this not to be the case!), the woman is still doing the bulk of the 'family admin'; arranging childcare cover in holidays, covering sickness, arranging birthdays, buying clothes, sorting out school related admin etc etc, while working full time.

A lot of women can't wait to become a SAHM and always trot out the line "well my dh earns more than I ever could". Even if it's a NMW job it's still worth doing just to gain confidence and a bit of independence back.