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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Were these messages inappropriate?

123 replies

LilacLily91 · 10/02/2020 12:18

Posting for some perspective as I'm not sure if I'm over reacting.

Sorry if it is long...trying not to leave out anything relevant.

Been with DH over a decade, no kids (though we have been TTC for some time), both mid-thirties.

I have never had any reason to doubt our relationship, no major dramas, he is on the whole a lovely, caring man.

I was doing a food plan before going shopping and popped on DH's phone to check his messages re his hobby to confirm which nights he'd be out. I then remembered that he'd mentioned meeting up with an old work colleague but I couldn't remember the date, so checked his messages from that conversation too.

He was in the shower at the time but we pop on each others phones when needed so this wasn't a case of snooping.

It turned out date hadn't been set yet but the last message in the thread sounded a bit flirty and had heart emojis (unusual for him) so I decided to scroll back and have a look at the conversation.

I can't remember them all but the two that stand out are one from several months ago where he said he "had to be careful because if he wasn't....then he'd be very tempted by her" (I presume he is referring to being married), and then in relation to the more recent suggestion of meeting up for a coffee in her town (about 30 mins away by car and not somewhere he is familiar with) that she'd need to suggest where to meet "a coffee shop, a bar, a hotel...."

There was also a lot of innuendo filled banter. She also said she was so glad he was in her life.

I felt physically sick when I read the messages and can't stop thinking about them. I plan to re-read the messages when I'm home tonight, as to be honest I was in shock and didn't take it all in.

It feels to me like at the very least a crush that he isn't trying to distance himself from, and at worst an emotional affair that may lead to a physical affair, but I'm not sure if I'm over reacting?

Do I tell him I've seen the messages? Or wait until they meet up and see what happens?

Assuming I talk to him and he accepts this was inappropriate, how can we ever regain the trust that has been lost?

OP posts:
Alsoco · 10/02/2020 12:26

Oh shit balls, yeah inappropriate Flowers

I would confront but I am too hot headed for my own good, a level headed poster will be along shortly with some good advice but didn’t want to read and run

3rdchristmaslucky · 10/02/2020 12:30

Take screen shots and send them to yourself so you're sure of what you've read and can back it up when you confront him.

Tell him that you came across some inappropriate messages and ask him to explain.

If he denies it, show him the screen shots.

Poorolddaddypig · 10/02/2020 12:39

You’re not overreacting. Don’t tell him yet - gather your evidence and keep it quiet for now. If he knows you know, or suspect, he will be cautious, and you might never know for sure what’s actually going on. Please keep quiet and snoop. Then you can properly evaluate the situation.

Poorolddaddypig · 10/02/2020 12:41

Like the first poster, I am very hotheaded too and I’d have stormed up to him immediately and demanded an explanation. But then I’d always have wondered for the rest of my life - is he still doing it? Would he have taken it further?

Poorolddaddypig · 10/02/2020 12:41

Sorry, posted too soon. MN has taught me that in these situations you need to keep quiet for a while, snoop, and gather evidence.

Original poster
LilacLily91 · 10/02/2020 12:45

Damn, I was really hoping people would straight away say I was over reacting and it was clearly just banter....wishful thinking I guess!

He really is the last person I'd expect to do something like this.

His sense of humour definitely veers towards the rude/innuendo type jokes, but this seems beyond that.

That said, he hasn't tried to hide/delete the messages, and did tell me about the plan to meet up.

He is out tonight so I'm planning to go on the computer to have a look again - just hoping it has been left logged in as I know he was made an admin of a work facebook page and had to add extra security (this is genuine, I've seen the emails) so I don't want to log in from a new device in case it sends him an alert.

I might lose my mind if I have to wait for another chance to look at his phone

OP posts:
Alsoco · 10/02/2020 13:43

If it’s just his nature like you say then I’m sure there will be a reasonable explanation! Try not to worry too much at this stage but yes gathering evidence (if any) might be a good idea but don’t drive yourself crazy trying to find something that might not be there Smile

category12 · 10/02/2020 13:47

Why on earth would you wait for them to meet? Madness.

MsDogLady · 10/02/2020 16:08

Lilaclily, those messages are extremely inappropriate. Why on earth would you not confront him immediately? Your husband is crossing a line with another woman. I wouldn’t need more evidence and I certainly wouldn’t wait until after their date.

Lozzerbmc · 10/02/2020 16:16

As a PP said take screenshots and then confront him asking him to explain.

I agree with category dont wait for them to meet up that’s mad

thespellhasbeenbroken123 · 10/02/2020 16:45

Oh my god

Don't even know what to say op

mamato3lads · 10/02/2020 18:00

Oh fuck.... that is bad OP, really bad. "Tempted?"....he sounds extremely bloody tempted.....and arranging to meet ??

If it were me, I'd gather screen shots then confront the cheating bastard and wait for the excuses.

Make.sure.you.have.screen.shots

Cannot be clearer about this because he WILL deny, he will MINIMISE, he will make you feel like you're the one in the wrong...you're going mad.

You're not. Your husbands sniffing around another women and you need to deal with that immediately Angry

Original poster
LilacLily91 · 10/02/2020 19:35

Thanks for the support everyone.

I've tried having a look tonight but cant access facebook without his phone so will have to wait until the right opportunity presents itself.

I dont want to confront until I've read the messages again as I didn't read them all and I want the full picture

OP posts:
Cinderemma · 10/02/2020 20:04

I'd have immediately kicked off. But I think gathering evidence is a very good idea.

Windmillwhirl · 10/02/2020 20:19

I agree with getting another look. I'm so sorry, it sounds bad x

dwum · 10/02/2020 20:29

There was a thread, the OP's husband was sending Facebook messages of an explicit nature to OW, and so OP added herself to their chat. This also gave her access to all of the previous messages (a FB messenger feature apparently).

I can't remember how it all ended but I remember thinking 'good for you OP'.

fromagefreak · 10/02/2020 20:39

Yep I agree he's definitely up to no good. Who suggests meeting a friend (who they're flirting with) at a hotel unless they have dodgy intentions? Keep calm, get some screenshots and then confront.

FritzDonovan · 11/02/2020 09:35

The only reason he hasn't hidden them is because he doesn't expect you to check for them. Im seconding the idea to screenshot, because 100% as soonas you ask about them, he'll minimise and try to explain them away. Don't leave him to get on with it either, his comment was highly inappropriate and wouldn't have been made unless he was thinking about her in a sexual or romantic way. Him meeting up with her with that attitude is never going to be innocent or end well.

Standrewsschool · 11/02/2020 09:46

Coffee shop - innocent
Bar - innocent, if evening meet up
Hotel - wtf!

Definitely second screen shots, and gathering evidence.

Maybe you can ask an ‘innocent’ question about him meeting up, and see whether he lies or not. Ie. ‘When was it you were going to meet ‘colleague’, and where were you going?, just wanted to check whether for meal planning, and whether you were just going for coffee”

Doesn’t look good, though, sorry.

Original poster
LilacLily91 · 11/02/2020 11:24

Update

I managed to check the messages late last night. Read the whole thread and took copies of the most interesting ones.

The first messages were all fairly innocuous, general chit chat, no different to what he'd send to other friends.

After she left his work and got a new job she basically said that she'd miss working with him as there was no one else who would notice innuendos like him. He said "I miss you too, but I still maintain you way too dangerous". Then back to general chit chat.

Her new job is in a butchers type shop so there was then lots of banter/innuendo (both him and her) re juicy steaks/meat/customer satisfaction. In this context she said that she'd hate any of their customers to feel unfulfilled to which he basically replied that he can't imagine her ever leaving anyone unfulfilled as she "really is a special woman".

She said that she was glad they'd kept in touch as she didn't think she could manage without him in her life. He replied "I keep saying this but you are quite literally a danger for me because if I wasn't already....I could very easily with you my dear".

More recently they messaged re meeting up for a coffee, she asked if he could come to her town so she can get there easier. He asked her to be his guide, she said there wasn't much guiding to do (its a fairly small town albeit one he hasn't been to much). He replied "what do you mean we will need a nice coffee shop then who knows what curve balls I may throw in, a pharmacy, a bar, a hotel... (followed by winking and laughing crying emojis). She replied saying she could find all those places. He then said not to get ahead of herself "he's no sure thing".

They left it that he would come back to her with dates.

Interestingly he has checked with me that we have nothing on this weekend and suggested that we have a quiet weekend in together as we aren't going to see much of each other this week. So its not like he is trying to meet her as soon as possible - then again maybe he is trying to find a weekend where I'm busy and he's not.

My gut feel is that the hotel comment was intended more as a joke than an actual suggestion, but I don't think that really matters. The fact is that is way beyond banter, is disrespectful to me, and could easily lead to more.

I am also concerned about the fact that he has apparently told her she is dangerous (and it sounded like that phrase pre-dates the messages so possibly said in person in which cases he has told another woman directly that he fancies her).

We are both home tonight so unless I chicken out, we will likely be having a conversation tonight. Give me some courage!

OP posts:
Standrewsschool · 11/02/2020 11:35

From the update, it does sound like banter, rather than anything more, but maybe could enter into emotional affair territory if not careful.

How often do they communicate? Occasionally? Regularly?

Good luck with the talk.

HuskyloverI · 11/02/2020 11:37

I would throw my DH out on his ear, if he sent messages like that!

"I keep saying this but you are quite literally a danger for me because if I wasn't already....I could very easily with you my dear"

Have you missed words out here ^^ ?

Would your DH be happy if you were meeting another man, and suggesting that a hotel room might be needed? It's outrageous and I would end my marriage over it.

Things always start like this....I've seen it many times. My first H was texting my best friend, and I saw their messages...it was sometimes innocent, but there were texts that sailed close to the wind, in my opinion, like my friend saying "Just slipping into a bath, with a glass of wine"....I mean, wtf, why would she say that? In my opinion, it was to make him think of her naked. Anyway, long story short, they ended up shagging.

HuskyloverI · 11/02/2020 11:38

Banter? Give over, they are planning an actual meet up!

BraveGoldie · 11/02/2020 11:42

OP, I am so sorry. The only good thing is it sounds like you have seen this before anything happened physically. I think you must confront him and at absolute minimum make no contact with this woman a requirement of staying.

I don't believe this is banter. It is a fast track to an affair. He is saying he is tempted. She is saying he is important, even essential, in her life, he is Telling her he wants her, actively planting ideAs in her head about fucking her next time he sees her, and got an agreement from her that she is up for that.....

Even by the most charitable interpretation, he is fantasizing about having an affair, sharing that fantasy, and actively setting up the opportunity for it to happen. Even without going further, it is totally disrespectful to you and inappropriate. And everything about this tells me he is completely up for taking it further.

You are not overreacting. I think you are in danger of under reacting. I think you need to either leave or make a huge deal of this to reset your relationship.

I am sorry.

Poorolddaddypig · 11/02/2020 11:43

It sounds just as bad from the update as it does from the first OP in my opinion - I’m surprised you said it sounds ‘like banter’. It very much sounds like he’s told her on many occasions that he fancies her and would sleep with her if he wasn’t married. He then goes on to suggest getting a hotel - yes as a joke but an innocent joke or a joke he was hoping might let her know he’s up for it? They are definitely crossing a line and I wouldn’t be happy about this at ALL. He sounds like a right sleazebag from the messages you’ve quoted as well.

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