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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Were these messages inappropriate?

123 replies

LilacLily91 · 10/02/2020 12:18

Posting for some perspective as I'm not sure if I'm over reacting.

Sorry if it is long...trying not to leave out anything relevant.

Been with DH over a decade, no kids (though we have been TTC for some time), both mid-thirties.

I have never had any reason to doubt our relationship, no major dramas, he is on the whole a lovely, caring man.

I was doing a food plan before going shopping and popped on DH's phone to check his messages re his hobby to confirm which nights he'd be out. I then remembered that he'd mentioned meeting up with an old work colleague but I couldn't remember the date, so checked his messages from that conversation too.

He was in the shower at the time but we pop on each others phones when needed so this wasn't a case of snooping.

It turned out date hadn't been set yet but the last message in the thread sounded a bit flirty and had heart emojis (unusual for him) so I decided to scroll back and have a look at the conversation.

I can't remember them all but the two that stand out are one from several months ago where he said he "had to be careful because if he wasn't....then he'd be very tempted by her" (I presume he is referring to being married), and then in relation to the more recent suggestion of meeting up for a coffee in her town (about 30 mins away by car and not somewhere he is familiar with) that she'd need to suggest where to meet "a coffee shop, a bar, a hotel...."

There was also a lot of innuendo filled banter. She also said she was so glad he was in her life.

I felt physically sick when I read the messages and can't stop thinking about them. I plan to re-read the messages when I'm home tonight, as to be honest I was in shock and didn't take it all in.

It feels to me like at the very least a crush that he isn't trying to distance himself from, and at worst an emotional affair that may lead to a physical affair, but I'm not sure if I'm over reacting?

Do I tell him I've seen the messages? Or wait until they meet up and see what happens?

Assuming I talk to him and he accepts this was inappropriate, how can we ever regain the trust that has been lost?

OP posts:
HuskyloverI · 11/02/2020 13:10

Why does he even have her number?? Just think about that for a second.

Does she have a Partner? If so, I would 100% be on her door step tonight to show him the messages.

MzHz · 11/02/2020 13:10

EWWWWWW! I just saw the pharmacy explanation! that's soooooo far over the line it's in outta space!

This is serious, you have to go ballistic on him.

I'd never trust him again if this happened in my relationship.

(((hug)))

xxmyheartxx · 11/02/2020 13:11

He would be out on his arse! Definitely not banter level in my eyes.

SunshineCake · 11/02/2020 13:20

I admire you, OP. The epitome of keeping calm. Look after yourself and your part in your marriage. He'll either ruin it on his own or he won't.

GoodnightJude1 · 11/02/2020 13:21

Way beyond banter imo....
If I read messages my DH had sent like that...he’d be long gone.
Hope you get the answers you are after OP

Onemansoapopera · 11/02/2020 13:23

Tbh I don't think she sounds that arsed but he's sounding pure creepy.

jasminfh · 11/02/2020 13:25

I’m dealing with pretty much the same thing. I’ve been quiet on my post as I don’t have anything to add yet but in my recent experience it’s never just banter. It’s intent. My DH still maintains innocence but has crossed boundaries and can’t (doesn’t want to?) go back. Yours is planning to have an affair, is probably already doing so IMO and disguising it as just friends. Friends don’t talk to each other like that. Keep calm, call him out on this. Listen to the posters, they have good advice.

Usernameismyname01 · 11/02/2020 13:27

you know what, whilst you both at work/away from each other I would just send him the quotes or the screen shots and ask "if these were between me and a guy I worked with, would you be happy for them to continue?" and just leave it there...….. see what his reaction to that is.

NomDeQwerty · 11/02/2020 13:28

Nope.
Pack a bag for him and leave it by the door.
When you've had it out with him, tell him to leave.
Take absolutely no shit on this one.
He needs a MASSIVE shock/reality check.

CuriousCapricorn · 11/02/2020 13:34

Hi op- sorry if it has already been mentioned but how long ago was it that they worked together? Did he mention her at all then?

I also think you’re under reacting but can see why. Must be horrible to think that your DH is capable of this behaviour, especially when trying to conceive. I hope you’re ok Flowers

Patch23042 · 11/02/2020 13:36

I agree with onemansoapopera, who said “Tbh I don't think she sounds that arsed but he's sounding pure creepy“

She hasn’t bitten yet, so I wonder if she’s just enjoying the attention and flirtation, with absolutely no intention of visiting a pharmacy or a hotel with him.

Anyway, that is irrelevant. He’d cheat if she gave him the green light, which is pertinent and is what you need to focus on. Don’t be too generous with him and don’t assume that because you’re “happy” in the marriage, he is too. He needs either to cut contact with her, or to leave. There’s no grey area here OP. He does not view her as a platonic friend so he can’t communicate with her anymore if he wants to remain hitched to you.

Original poster
LilacLily91 · 11/02/2020 13:36

Thanks everyone.

I need to try and get on with work this afternoon so probably won't post for a while, but I am reading and taking on board all the different viewpoints.

OP posts:
GoodDogBellaBoo · 11/02/2020 13:44

Wait until he is about to leave for his date. Then just as he is out the door hand him his packed suitcase and tell him good luck, and there is no need for him to come back home again.

fromagefreak · 11/02/2020 17:02

I agree with @HuskyloverI - you are most definitely under-reacting - I would go ballistic over those messages. He's making a mockery of you and I promise I'm not saying that to be goady - I'm saying it because he is.

RuffleCrow · 11/02/2020 17:07

It is inappropriate. I do wish people who don't actually believe in monogamy would stop getting married/ into exclusive relationships. Would save everyone else a lot of shattered dreams.

MsDogLady · 11/02/2020 17:51

All of this sounds like foreplay. In my marriage, this would be cheating.

This “loving, caring” man is making a fool of you. He and this OW communicate on an emotional and sexual plane, and both are interested in an escalation. She says she can’t manage without him. He admits his boundaries weaken for her and he sends her hearts.

Their whole discussion about meeting is a sexual dance with their talk of coming and getting there and guiding. When he mentions “a bar, a pharmacy, a hotel...,” she says can find all those places. She is up for it.

When you say ”if it was just banter and if he...accepts it went too far,” you are providing both of you with a loophole. He can minimize and you can turn a blind eye to his infidelity.

SueEllenMishke · 11/02/2020 18:04

This would signal the end of my marriage. I would class this as cheating. Do not let him minimise these messages.

Cinders29 · 11/02/2020 18:12

Something I wish I had done is take his phone so he couldn't find it and that day wait for texts to come through. In case he has deleted messages and left ones he can explain and ' if I was hiding anything I would have deleted those ' there may be more to it... I'd definitely wait it out until you are 100% either way!

TheStuffedPenguin · 11/02/2020 18:14

On another note, if any man called me ‘my dear’ my vagina would seal itself shut

and add working in a butcher's shop too and its all too Confused

AmelieTaylor · 11/02/2020 18:15

This is sexual banter leading up to them having sex

He even says ‘ He then said not to get ahead of herself "he's no sure thing". ‘

He’s still weighing up whether he will get caught or not & how much he cares if he does.

A decade is a long time to be together & you’ll argue that he hasn’t actually done anything yet... but he HAS. He’s making sexual overtures to another woman and is preparing to cheat on you. He gas just totally trashed your trust & this your marriage.

I know it’ll be hard to walk away when he hasn’t actually fucked her & YOU’ll want to ‘save your marriage’, but the harsh reality is that he wants in her pants more than he wants your marriage right now, but if you confront him he will just say ‘nothing happened’ or cry and say he’s sorry/stupid & loves you, she means nothing etc etc. and you’ll probably agree to work on ‘getting over it’ ....

But it will never be the same again & it’s a fucking awful way to live. I managed two years before I simply couldn’t stomach feeling like that a day more. It’s soul destroying.

I’m so sorry.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 11/02/2020 18:18

I have to say, he sounds like a right creep. Sorry OP

Bythecooker · 11/02/2020 19:21

It is very dodgy messaging. I would have to confront. Even if it's just banter, which it sounds like it is, it's inappropriate and disrespectful.

doritosdip · 11/02/2020 19:26

That's the sort of sexting foreplay that I'd expect him to send to you.

I have attached Male friends and they talk about sex but it's never about us having/not having sex iyswim. So Friday is Valentines and one might make a joke about another getting a blowjob sort of thing.

aNonnyMouse1511 · 11/02/2020 19:35

My ex did this with a colleague. Saying things like ‘if I wasn’t already in a relationship I’d definitely be with you’ etc. We had a huge row about it, he told me I was being ridiculous but I knew I wasn’t. I was insecure at the time so didn’t end the relationship but I regretted not down the line. We eventually split because he left me for someone else (not this girl).

Circumstances were different though. We didn’t live together although had been together a couple of years.

Original poster
LilacLily91 · 11/02/2020 21:14

Well it's been an emotional evening.

I told him I'd seen the messages and that I thought they were out of order. He straight away acknowledged that it was hurtful and that he could understand my reaction.

He is adamant that he never intended to sleep with her. He says that it had come up in conversation previously that they both thought poorly of cheating and so that made him feel safe in pushing past normal levels of innuendo.

He says the hotel comment was part of that innuendo and that the other places he picked were just random places not intended to mean anything. He certainly looked shocked when I suggested that a pharmacy would be a great place to buy condoms before snacking up at a hotel.

He also says that the dangerous phrase came about initially because he got on well with her he found himself saying stuff about a manager that he probably shouldn't say to a colleague but that over time it developed into a different meaning because he admits he found her physically attractive, albeit he didn't intend for it to be anything more.

Pretty early on in the conversation he volunteered not to speak to/see her again.

He also said he'd have been very hurt if I sent the messages.

I know a lot of posters will think differently but I'm inclined to believe him. There's only so much I can write here but ultimately I know my husband much more than a few posts on a forum can explain.

There's still plenty of work to be done for me to fully move past this but we've had a very honest and open conversation.

Thanks again to everyone who has commented.

OP posts: