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Original poster

Were these messages inappropriate?

123 replies

LilacLily91 · 10/02/2020 12:18

Posting for some perspective as I'm not sure if I'm over reacting.

Sorry if it is long...trying not to leave out anything relevant.

Been with DH over a decade, no kids (though we have been TTC for some time), both mid-thirties.

I have never had any reason to doubt our relationship, no major dramas, he is on the whole a lovely, caring man.

I was doing a food plan before going shopping and popped on DH's phone to check his messages re his hobby to confirm which nights he'd be out. I then remembered that he'd mentioned meeting up with an old work colleague but I couldn't remember the date, so checked his messages from that conversation too.

He was in the shower at the time but we pop on each others phones when needed so this wasn't a case of snooping.

It turned out date hadn't been set yet but the last message in the thread sounded a bit flirty and had heart emojis (unusual for him) so I decided to scroll back and have a look at the conversation.

I can't remember them all but the two that stand out are one from several months ago where he said he "had to be careful because if he wasn't....then he'd be very tempted by her" (I presume he is referring to being married), and then in relation to the more recent suggestion of meeting up for a coffee in her town (about 30 mins away by car and not somewhere he is familiar with) that she'd need to suggest where to meet "a coffee shop, a bar, a hotel...."

There was also a lot of innuendo filled banter. She also said she was so glad he was in her life.

I felt physically sick when I read the messages and can't stop thinking about them. I plan to re-read the messages when I'm home tonight, as to be honest I was in shock and didn't take it all in.

It feels to me like at the very least a crush that he isn't trying to distance himself from, and at worst an emotional affair that may lead to a physical affair, but I'm not sure if I'm over reacting?

Do I tell him I've seen the messages? Or wait until they meet up and see what happens?

Assuming I talk to him and he accepts this was inappropriate, how can we ever regain the trust that has been lost?

OP posts:
Greenkit · 11/02/2020 11:46

His messages are disrespectful to you, he is having sexual 'banter' with another woman. He is telling her he is tempted by her, that he may be interested in more, but wait and see.

I wouldn't be happy about this exchange

FlaskMaster · 11/02/2020 11:48

This isn't banter, this is exactly what happens when affairs start. He's literally setting up for a hotel shag with her. These aren't innocent jokes, this is his pre-game. He's planning to have sex with her.

honesttogod · 11/02/2020 11:51

It is banter but obviously there is an underlying attraction there between them. This is how affairs start.

Original poster
LilacLily91 · 11/02/2020 11:52

@HuskyloverI no that is a direct quote. I read the ..... as meaning married (presumably he was too squeamish to directly say it!).

I had hoped it might be a song lyric/line from a film but google didn't throw anything up.

@Standrewsschool the thing is even as banter I think it goes to far. I'm generally pretty relaxed but to my mind there is a difference between general banter (even with sexual innuendos) and stuff that is directed at a specific individual.

That said, if it was just banter and if he recognises that and accepts it went too far, then I'm unlikely to end my otherwise happy marriage over it.

I think it strikes a nerve because I am very aware how how easily friendships can morph into something more. My parents 30+ year marriage ended after my dad had an affair with a friend of my mums. I remember my mum telling me that she asked him how he could do it as she couldn't even imagine kissing never mind sleeping with someone else after so long and he basically said that it was because it didn't happen overnight. They started as friends, shared confidences, became emotionally close and then eventually it felt natural to move to a physical relationship.

OP posts:
MilaRos · 11/02/2020 11:52

This IS NOT banter! He clearly thinks she's a danger to his marriage. Please confront him, before it leads to an emotional affair.

MashedSpud · 11/02/2020 11:59

Pharmacy - to buy condoms.
Bar - a drink for nerves
Hotel - to use pharmacy shopping.

I hope you took screenshots.

I’d be putting an end to their sordid little friendship or kicking his arse out.

strawberry2017 · 11/02/2020 12:00

I wouldn't be happy if my husband was speaking that way to someone and I don't think he would like me speaking that way to someone either.
It's not appropriate

Musti · 11/02/2020 12:01

That's not banter, that's testing the waters

HollowTalk · 11/02/2020 12:01

You know what he's doing? Prepping himself for a shag with her but he's prepared to blame her for it. "Oh you're leading me on!" FFS.

I wouldn't have a baby with that man.

DeadButDelicious · 11/02/2020 12:09

I speak from experience OP. I could of written this post myself a few years ago.

It may be banter, he may never intend to act on any of it but my advice to you would be to nip this in the bud. Now.

How you decide to move forward with your relationship is your business but at the very least I would make it absolutely crystal clear that this is not appropriate, you won't tolerate it and if he's got any respect for you at all he'll dial back the contact with this woman.

HuskyloverI · 11/02/2020 12:11

I've no idea why you re doubting your judgment here? Here are the facts :

  1. He's told her he misses her.
  2. He's told her that she is dangerous (to his marriage)
  3. He and her share texts with sexual innuendo
  4. He's told her that she would not leave any man unfulfilled
  5. He's told her that she's a special woman.
  6. She's told him that she couldn't manage with him in her life
  7. He's told her that he could very easily (shag) with her
  8. He refers to her as "my dear"
  9. They've already arranged a date.
  10. He has intimated that sex might be involved (pharmacy for condoms, bar for drinks, hotel room for sex)
10. She has confirmed that she's up for that plan.

You really are UNDER REACTING. I'd be apoplectic with rage. And yes, he wouldn't be spending one more night under the same roof. The only thing that could possibly nip this in the bud, is you doing something drastic, showing him what he has to lose.

I've no doubt he will tell you that it's just Banter, and that you are over reacting, but I'd have 2 replies to that :

  1. Would he be happy if you were arranging to meet a man, and the messages had been identical to theirs?
  1. If it's that innocent, how come he isn't messaging any of his mates in the same way?
Jiggles101 · 11/02/2020 12:12

He's definitely flirting and I'd say considering shagging her, he's testing the waters to see if she would.

He may or may not be planning to actually do it but he wants to know if it's an option or not. I think if he goes and meets her it may well happen.

She sounds like a sad fucker anyway, saying her life would be miserable without him in it or whatever. Get some mates innit.

HuskyloverI · 11/02/2020 12:14

That said, if it was just banter and if he recognises that and accepts it went too far, then I'm unlikely to end my otherwise happy marriage over it

It's not banter : they have already arranged a date.

I don't think your marriage is as happy as you think, or he would have shut this woman down.

incognitomum · 11/02/2020 12:17

Sorry to read this. It must feel like a punch on the gut. He isn't to be trusted.

LittleWing80 · 11/02/2020 12:29

He likes to throw in ego stroking baits and she sounds very keen to catch them...

She is already on the emotional ground (I can’t imagine not having you in my life...).

I could see it slide towards an affair. Sorry OP.

Regardless, those types of conversations while you’re home waiting for him to come home and try for s baby is vile from his part.

Alsoco · 11/02/2020 12:31

I'm not 100% on this. It does sound like banter between the two of them, it sounds like they're on the same "level".

BUT it's way inappropriate and goes above and beyond the "normal" level of banter. That might be their level but it's not everyone else's. It's disrespectful to you and he should be mindful of how this would make you feel

kcw1986 · 11/02/2020 12:35

IMO your under reacting your husband has arranged a date and hinted that it involves sex which seems up for.

Theres being blind and then theres being wilfully blind.

JillAmanda · 11/02/2020 12:37

I would go postal.

keepingbees · 11/02/2020 12:51

This might be banter, but it's also flirtatious, suggestive and your DH is clearly attracted to this woman.

If he respected you he would have nipped it in the bud way before now but he's obviously enjoying it, and her. He's on a very slippery slope!

I would say speak to him and get him to cut contact with her etc etc but somehow I can't see that happening. He's already overstepped a mark and broken your trust.

HowlsMovingBungalow · 11/02/2020 12:53

His bags would be packed and outside.

She would be welcome to the prick.

TwentyViginti · 11/02/2020 12:57

Depending how strongly he wants to pursue an affair with this woman, he may just go underground with continued contact once he knows you've seen the messages.

lyingwanker · 11/02/2020 13:02

What do you think they're going to do when they meet up? I bet they won't just talk about the weather, it'll be another opportunity to sit and flirt and pass sexual innuendos back and forth. Which will, at some point, lead to taking it further. My rule of thumb is that if you wouldn't say it in front of me then there's something not right. He also wouldn't speak to his male friends in such a way would he?

I would have gone nuclear 5 seconds after reading the messages but I have learned, from experience, that it's definitely not the best approach. You don't get the full story and because you're so mad you don't have time to digest it properly

AlexaAmbidextra · 11/02/2020 13:03

On another note, if any man called me ‘my dear’ my vagina would seal itself shut.

HollowTalk · 11/02/2020 13:06

No kidding, @AlexaAmbidextra!

MzHz · 11/02/2020 13:09

I have lots of mates that are men and not once would I flirt like this if I were/he was in a relationship.

you think those messages are inappropriate because they ARE inappropriate.

I don't have the solution, but you do need to hash this out now, if nothing more than to see if you are wasting your time with him and could potentially have a life/relationship/family with someone else.

He's making you feel of lesser value, and that's never acceptable.