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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Were these messages inappropriate?

123 replies

LilacLily91 · 10/02/2020 12:18

Posting for some perspective as I'm not sure if I'm over reacting.

Sorry if it is long...trying not to leave out anything relevant.

Been with DH over a decade, no kids (though we have been TTC for some time), both mid-thirties.

I have never had any reason to doubt our relationship, no major dramas, he is on the whole a lovely, caring man.

I was doing a food plan before going shopping and popped on DH's phone to check his messages re his hobby to confirm which nights he'd be out. I then remembered that he'd mentioned meeting up with an old work colleague but I couldn't remember the date, so checked his messages from that conversation too.

He was in the shower at the time but we pop on each others phones when needed so this wasn't a case of snooping.

It turned out date hadn't been set yet but the last message in the thread sounded a bit flirty and had heart emojis (unusual for him) so I decided to scroll back and have a look at the conversation.

I can't remember them all but the two that stand out are one from several months ago where he said he "had to be careful because if he wasn't....then he'd be very tempted by her" (I presume he is referring to being married), and then in relation to the more recent suggestion of meeting up for a coffee in her town (about 30 mins away by car and not somewhere he is familiar with) that she'd need to suggest where to meet "a coffee shop, a bar, a hotel...."

There was also a lot of innuendo filled banter. She also said she was so glad he was in her life.

I felt physically sick when I read the messages and can't stop thinking about them. I plan to re-read the messages when I'm home tonight, as to be honest I was in shock and didn't take it all in.

It feels to me like at the very least a crush that he isn't trying to distance himself from, and at worst an emotional affair that may lead to a physical affair, but I'm not sure if I'm over reacting?

Do I tell him I've seen the messages? Or wait until they meet up and see what happens?

Assuming I talk to him and he accepts this was inappropriate, how can we ever regain the trust that has been lost?

OP posts:

Orangelocket · 12/02/2020 06:48

From my own experience what happens from now is probably what's most dangerous. I called my husband out regarding inappropriate messaging just like you. The next day he took it the one step further telling her he did genuinely like her, that she was turning his head etc etc. He too had also told me he would cut contact when I first confronted him, obviously he didn't.
I also thought I knew my husband, never in a million years thought he would cross that line but he did. We are now in a mess, trying to move past it but I'm still not sure I can and this happened months ago.
So I would still hold some reservations OP regarding what he is telling you and not let that guard down just yet!

NomDeQwerty · 12/02/2020 06:51

He crossed a line. There were no consequences and you appear to have fallen for his nonsense. People do make mistakes but generally the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. He'll be doing this again but in future he'll be better at hiding it. You could decide now what your deal breakers are. Trying to conceive with a man who was happy to behave like this until you found out is a bad idea.

AnyFucker · 12/02/2020 07:11

Oh dear

You are really doing yourself no favours, op. There is rationalising and there is outright denial

Nitpickpicnic · 12/02/2020 07:16

Either he deleted her details and blocked her there and then, in front of you, or he didn’t.

That bit’s important because it makes any future contact a different ball-game. If they get back in touch after that, well you know where you stand.

If he didn’t block/delete then a door is still open, a big swinging door you might call it.

And I agree he still needs a bit of shock and pain. If life with you carries on as usual, in fact all the more sweetly for all this honesty and meaningful chats, his head will be equally quickly turned next time.

HuskyloverI · 12/02/2020 07:48

WOW.

You saw the messages with your own eyes. There is NO explanation that makes them ok. And yet, you have decided it's all good? WTF? He was arranging a date with another woman. A date where he had suggested condoms and hotel rooms.

You are turning a blind eye. Why?

If he is doing this now, then one can only imagine what he will do when you're at home carrying baby weight, living on no sleep, covered in baby sick.

My first H was just like this. I stayed for 20 years. It never gets better. If you don't get out now, you're signing up for years of pain.

Please please, have a think about whether you think you are worth more. Would you text other men like this, for example? Or do you love him too much? Is your head only focused on him? For me, I am now married to my 2nd husband, and I literally have tunnel vision only for him. Can you say the same about your husband? You can't. He has another woman in his sights - you are worth so much more than this bullshit

PetitTorteois · 12/02/2020 07:55

ultimately I know my husband much more than a few posts on a forum can explain.
I don't think we need to know your husband personally to recognise the fact that he was very clearly planning on cheating on you! Plus those messages alone were very inappropriate.

MzHz · 12/02/2020 08:16

I know you know your h.

But some of us have seen all of this hundreds of times and then chances of him actually being honest and truthful here are infinitely small.

We ALL hope he’s that one in a gazillion, but if he’s not, please never think you can’t come back to us, we’ll be with you through this whatever the outcome

TheStuffedPenguin · 12/02/2020 08:34

He really has all the answers , doesn't he ? I think you are being stupid BUT you are going to have to be ( and will be anyway!) hyper vigilant . One day your blinkers will fall off sadly.

stophuggingme · 12/02/2020 10:05

Everyone should just stop
You’re wasting your time as the OP will not listen
Probably back on here albeit under a different name in a few months sadly as her husband is a toe rag who will most definitely do this again

MashedSpud · 12/02/2020 13:54

Denial is less hurtful than the truth.

Best of luck op.

GoodDogBellaBoo · 12/02/2020 18:08

Since it was just banter, he can still go on his date right?

Saucy99 · 12/02/2020 19:45

Jees stop projecting your unfortunate experiences onto the OP. It comes across as very bitter.

stophuggingme · 12/02/2020 20:08

@Saucy99
What a peculiar post.

This hasn’t ever happened to me.
I just have standards of how I would expect to be treated.

Orangelocket · 12/02/2020 21:37

@Saucy99 not sure if this is directed at me? But if so, I shared my experience to suggest she doesnt let her guard down and breath a sigh of relief just yet. I'm looking out for her and am not bitter at all. Not quite sure what there is to be bitter about tbh? I hope that it is all innocent for her sake and they live happily ever after!

Isthisit22 · 12/02/2020 22:13

Got to agree with everyone else--the stuff about picking random places is an outright lie. No one would pick 'pharmacy' as a random place. He is insulting your intelligence.
You should kick him out for a bit at least. Your marriage is probably salvageable but not if you don't make a stand now.

TwentyViginti · 12/02/2020 22:27

Oh dear, OP. I suppose it's easier to believe his bullshit than face the truth - but please be careful - I can't see this ending well for you.

GoodDogBellaBoo · 12/02/2020 22:33

Random places? Pharmacy, bar and a hotel? And heart emojis? Is this the husband you really want? Easier to live in denial, and he knows it too now. He goes to bed with you clearly thinking of someone else. Good luck.

LuluJakey1 · 12/02/2020 22:41

It sounds as if he is about 60 in terms of the language he is using to flirt! If anyone flirted with me about 'meat', 'satisfaction' and called me 'my dear' I would want to vomit.

That aside, he may just have been stupid but he did know he was doing something wrong and that it would be hurtful to you. Only you know if you can trust what he is now saying. It is a horrible situation for you to be in. He should feel ashamed of his behaviour.

Patch23042 · 12/02/2020 22:42

Maybe put off ttc for a year or so, OP? If he turns out to be a sleaze, you wouldn’t want a baby in the mix. He might be genuine - I hope so - but you need to be sensible and pragmatic.

2020vision10 · 12/02/2020 23:11

I personally wouldn't believe him but the OP has decided. Some of the replies after that have been a bit patronising and unhelpful.

Like another PP said, OP please don't be afraid to come back for support if it doesn't work out.

BeTheHokeyMan · 12/02/2020 23:51

Good luck op I have a feeling you're going to need it

Tvquizhelp · 14/02/2020 08:34

Sound exactly like what the cheating men at my work tell their poor wives. Good luck op.

PinkMonkeyBird · 14/02/2020 08:46

I'd guess this is another troll post.

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