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Original poster

Were these messages inappropriate?

123 replies

LilacLily91 · 10/02/2020 12:18

Posting for some perspective as I'm not sure if I'm over reacting.

Sorry if it is long...trying not to leave out anything relevant.

Been with DH over a decade, no kids (though we have been TTC for some time), both mid-thirties.

I have never had any reason to doubt our relationship, no major dramas, he is on the whole a lovely, caring man.

I was doing a food plan before going shopping and popped on DH's phone to check his messages re his hobby to confirm which nights he'd be out. I then remembered that he'd mentioned meeting up with an old work colleague but I couldn't remember the date, so checked his messages from that conversation too.

He was in the shower at the time but we pop on each others phones when needed so this wasn't a case of snooping.

It turned out date hadn't been set yet but the last message in the thread sounded a bit flirty and had heart emojis (unusual for him) so I decided to scroll back and have a look at the conversation.

I can't remember them all but the two that stand out are one from several months ago where he said he "had to be careful because if he wasn't....then he'd be very tempted by her" (I presume he is referring to being married), and then in relation to the more recent suggestion of meeting up for a coffee in her town (about 30 mins away by car and not somewhere he is familiar with) that she'd need to suggest where to meet "a coffee shop, a bar, a hotel...."

There was also a lot of innuendo filled banter. She also said she was so glad he was in her life.

I felt physically sick when I read the messages and can't stop thinking about them. I plan to re-read the messages when I'm home tonight, as to be honest I was in shock and didn't take it all in.

It feels to me like at the very least a crush that he isn't trying to distance himself from, and at worst an emotional affair that may lead to a physical affair, but I'm not sure if I'm over reacting?

Do I tell him I've seen the messages? Or wait until they meet up and see what happens?

Assuming I talk to him and he accepts this was inappropriate, how can we ever regain the trust that has been lost?

OP posts:
Cyberve · 11/02/2020 21:39

It sounds like he's hopefully just gone too far in a joke. Hope you are right op a d he changes his tune. At least he didn't get angry or blame you, so that's good. Cheaters tend to jump straight to that. He sounds more embarrassed that it could be taken that way.

WizardOfAus · 11/02/2020 21:40

Great news! Presumably he’s blocking and deleting her number to prevent this from ever happening again?

SunshineCake · 11/02/2020 21:40

You'll get lots of messages saying you are a fool etc but I for one take my hat off to you for knowing your own mind and being strong enough to make your own decisions. Take care.

FlaskMaster · 11/02/2020 21:48

Good luck op. I don't believe him at all, obviously. "Random places would've been a butchers, Woolworths and the pound shop, not a pub to get drunk together in, a pharmacy to buy condoms in and a hotel to shag in. But I totally get why you'd want to believe him. I really hope he does cut her off completely and starts respecting you and your relationship now.

FritzDonovan · 11/02/2020 22:43

He says that it had come up in conversation previously that they both thought poorly of cheating and so that made him feel safe in pushing past normal levels of innuendo.

Sorry, but this is so much bullshit, designed to mislead you. There's no reason work colleagues would be discussing what they thought about cheating in a normal work related conversation. And plenty of cheats (mine included) have said they are totally against cheating....before they do it anyway.
Don't give him the opportunity to get complacent and think it's ok to be inappropriate with other women. He needs to stay away from her completely, and anyone else he could behave like this with. There's no way he was unaware how hurtful and inappropriate this behaviour was as he was in the middle of it, yet he continued because he got a kick out of it and didn't think you would know. That's very dangerous behaviour. Wouldnt be surprised if 'I let it go too far ' was in his future repertoire of excuses.
They always see how it looks after getting caught out, but didn't have the integrity to behave respectfully until called out on it. Not good.

Nillynally · 11/02/2020 22:50

Fucking hell OP, I'm glad he's your husband and not mine because he'd be DEAD. The pharmacy comment would have finished me off.

Qwerty543 · 11/02/2020 22:54

Random places? Oh come on OP. How naive are you.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 11/02/2020 22:58

Well I'm sure you're not reading anymore, but I hope you don't love to regret that decision. I couldn't forgive that.
Posters will tell you not to believe it because they have been through it. They have experience of the bullshit.
Would you do this to him? If the answer is no, ask yourself why? Then ask yourself why he thought it was OK to do it to you.

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 11/02/2020 22:59

It's up you OP but it seems like he's had a mild slap on the wrist rather than the kicking he deserves. In your shoes I would have thrown him out for a day or two at least and not just let him think it's all fine.

BonnesVacances · 11/02/2020 23:02

He says that it had come up in conversation previously that they both thought poorly of cheating and so that made him feel safe in pushing past normal levels of innuendo.

This is definitely bordering on EA. But you've nipped it in the bud. From now on, you know he knows carrying on is inappropriate. So if he does, or starts hiding anything from you, he can no longer claim innocence or that it was a mistake.

stophuggingme · 11/02/2020 23:03

I think he’s full of shit

Sally2791 · 11/02/2020 23:03

I’m sorry to say that his responses sound like pure bullshit. He will now be very much more careful with his deceit.

AtrociousCircumstance · 11/02/2020 23:14

It was leading somewhere, of course he meant condoms re the pharmacy. He fancies her, has been secretly texting her, flattering her. He’s betrayed you OP. His lack of loyalty stinks.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 11/02/2020 23:20

'Looked shocked' course he did.. Eish he could at least have been honest with you.

I'm really hoping that you finding out has scared him enough to put him off his dirty little fantasy but please do stay on your guard, he knew exactly what he meant by 'pharmacy, bar, hotel'

Chocmallows · 11/02/2020 23:26

My exH cheated on me and I immediately ended things when I found out. This sounds to me more like he's having a mid-life crises and is quite a sad person underneath and desperate to feel attractive.

I wouldn't rule out him moving onto an affair in the future. He's happy to flirt and initiate potential cheating and in the future he may see it through.

WatcherintheRye · 11/02/2020 23:36

the other places he picked were just random places not intended to mean anything. He certainly looked shocked when I suggested that a pharmacy would be a great place to buy condoms

I know you want to believe him, op, but really???

Hotseat · 11/02/2020 23:36

I would talk to him about it. Yes it is inappropriate, but may just be banter. Tell him how hurt you are and knock it on the head once and for all. I have a friend who talks like this all the time with my oh. It's bothersome so I walk away from her while she's doing it. She can sound quite desperate tbh.
Do not let this run on, I don't understand people saying gather evidence, you saw it, you read it, now confront it. You will find a way back. Good luck

Loveablers · 12/02/2020 00:25

He calls her dangerous because he knows he would sleep with her if she gave him the opportunity

Of course the pharmacy was linked to to condoms. What else would it be?

And the conversation about them hating cheating? Oh really? You believe that?

It’s all too much of a convenience. People who are so anti cheating don’t have conversations about meeting up for sex in a hotel only to pretend it was all one big joke.

Fair play if you believe him OP but good luck... I think you’re gunna need it. If it was all totally innocent why was he so quick to suggest never speaking to her again? Hmm

overnightangel · 12/02/2020 00:39

He’s just going to change her number in his phone to a different name.
Lying cunt

WhiteBadger · 12/02/2020 00:52

Darling I'm glad you "believed" him, although I'm not sure what there was to believe you read the text!!

But anyway, my advice to you is stop trying to conceive, for the moment. He is not the man you think he is. Please dont bring a child into this.

Give it a couple of years. You've let him off once, he's going to do it again! Wait to see if you can ever trust him again.

I wish you all the best, but sadly I think most of us knows how this story is going to end. :(

Sadiesnakes · 12/02/2020 01:21

Hmmmmm🤔. Next he'll have you agreeing to them going ahead with their little meeting..

He's very smooth, I'll give him that.

DecemberSnow · 12/02/2020 01:34

Please update here within the year...
When you finally realise his taking the piss out of you!

Sorry OP

FagashJackie · 12/02/2020 01:43

Do me a favour! This guy is acting like he wants to have sex with another women. He'd never see me again.

MsDogLady · 12/02/2020 01:58

So, according to him, he has been enjoying the thrill of ”pushing past normal limits of innuendo” with OW. Is that what sleazy cheating is called nowadays?

He is taking you for a mug.

He has managed to convince you that ”..who knows what curve balls I may throw, a pharmacy, a bar, a hotel...😉😉🤣🤣” meant nothing, and the pharmacy/bar were random places. His faux shocked look that you were inferring condoms was ludicrous and was a huge ‘tell’ that he was lying. He was proposing a sexual assignation, and when OW said ”she could find all those places,” he teased her by saying ”he’s no sure thing.” The places had significance. The pharmacy meant condoms. OW knows it. He knows it.

It sounds like you are not imposing a sharp consequence for his betrayal. In my opinion, this is very unwise. He is drawn to the sexual tension and feelings that he and OW share, so now they will likely go further underground.

I’m wondering how he explained the hearts.

fromagefreak · 12/02/2020 06:28

If he was my husband he'd be out on his ear; firstly for attempting to cheat and secondly for having piss poor banter that makes him sounds like a character from a bad carry on film.

You couldn't make this stuff up - especially the bit about -banter/innuendo-loving OW getting a job in a butcher's shop thus affording her more opportunities for making terrible innuendos all day long. It wouldn't surprise me if that was the reason she'd applied for the job.