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Original poster

In Laws refusing to pay for their share of wedding

230 replies

tigersmum · 03/09/2007 11:16

They agreed to pay half the wedding costs and now a week after the wedding they are saying that they have given them enough money in the past, like deposit for the house, double glazing, and they said they would rather but them a new boiler, whats wrong with the one they have?, rather than pay the £2,800 we aked them for which by the way is no where near half as it cost us £13,000. What the hell do we tell daughter and son in law when they get back from honeymoon at the end of the week.

OP posts:
RubySlippers · 03/09/2007 11:20

if they said they would pay then they should!
don;t tell your daughter anything yet - try to resolve it before they get back
it sounds like they have been generous in the past but that is a seperate issue to the wedding costs surely.
do they want to buy a new boiler for your daughter?
nothing like a wedding to bring out the worst in some people IMHO

Original poster
tigersmum · 03/09/2007 11:44

its not as if they are short of money. They have been giving us a cheque each month for the past year as they said all their money was tied up in some sort of savings account and to let them know what the final bill is at the end so they could draw out the money so not to lose too much interest, and now they are saying they have paid enough. Its not as if we havnt helped out the newly weds in the past, its what parents do.

OP posts:
kindersurprise · 03/09/2007 11:45

If they agreed to pay part ofs the costs then they should, the wedding was planned taking their contribution into account. Bloody cheeky to wait till after the wedding to spring this on you. I agree with Ruby though, try and sort it out before the happy couple get back.

expatinscotland · 03/09/2007 11:46

Wow, they've been giving you money for lots.

Maybe they're sick of it.

lulumama · 03/09/2007 11:48

do you have anything in writing? any bills from the wedding in their names?

very bad form to refuse to pay after the wedding, which i am sure they attended and enjoyed very much

do not involve the newly weds, it is not their problem, try to get it done before they get back, and if you cannot, try not to tell them.. it will make them feel quite sad and distressed

Isababel · 03/09/2007 11:49

"What the hell do we tell daughter and son in law when they get back from honeymoon at the end of the week?"

That, as grown ups and adults, they are now responsible to cover their own expenses?

Baffy · 03/09/2007 11:51

Bit late to turn round and say this after the wedding though!

Can you meet up with them face to face to ask why they have suddenly changed their mind and who they expect to cover those costs (you? or the newlyweds? and are they going to be the ones to tell them?)

littlelapin · 03/09/2007 11:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

harpsichordcarrier · 03/09/2007 11:54

Isababel- that doesn;t make any sense - if someone else agreed to pay then they aren't their expenses....
very bad form but god knows what you should do.
sorry, my sympathies.

RubySlippers · 03/09/2007 11:55

Isababel - i think that the daughter and BIL are blameless here
the OP says that she has paid for the wedding and the ILs offered to pay £2,800 which they are now refusing to

flowerybeanbag · 03/09/2007 11:55

I do not usually have much sympathy at all with people who are grown adults but allow others to pay for their wedding/house/other life choices etc etc.....

However, if these people agreed to pay half and are backing out after the event that is not on, as the newly weds have not had a chance to rethink plans based on their own budget.

Agree try and resolve before newly weds come back if possible, but if you can't it may turn out to be an expensive lesson for them that it is better to be independent financially and manage things themselves than rely on parents and then have problems like this.

lulumama · 03/09/2007 11:57

but flowery. on the whole, the parents do pay for the wedding..and here they had agreed to, why on earth should the newlyweds pay for their own wedding becasue one set of parents are being churlish and trying to renege on their side of the agreement..

RubySlippers · 03/09/2007 11:57

an identical thing happened to a friend of mine after her wedding
it was very unpleasant and caused a lot of upset mainly to her and her DH who were caught in the middle of it all

LittleBella · 03/09/2007 11:58

Tell them that they will have to explain to the happy couple that they've changed their mind about paying for the wedding.

This is nothing to do with how much they paid in the past; if they weren't prepared to pay this, they should have said so upfront, not after the event. If the happy couple had been told in advance that they were "responsible for their own expenses" as opposed to "I'll pay £2,800" then they may have arranged their wedding differently, so that they could take responsibility for their own expenses.

This is just not on. I'd be really angry wiht them in your position.

Original poster
tigersmum · 03/09/2007 12:01

I just think its really bad to go back on an agreement that was made over 2 years ago, when we started to plan the wedding. She is our only daughter and we and the in laws agreed to give them the day they both wanted. So thats what we did. Luckily we had enough to cover the costs but thats not really the point. And Yes they did enjoy the wedding AND he added his bar bill to the final bill so we paid that as well AND he owes us £100 for his suit hire. He just bloody annoys me.

OP posts:
flowerybeanbag · 03/09/2007 12:01

Do they lulu? I can't think of many people I know who would dream of taking money from their parents to pay for their wedding. Then again most people seem to get married 30plus these days and I do think by then taking money for anything from parents is a bit tbh.

Having said that I do definitely agree that if they said they would pay a certain amount, it is completely unfair to back out after the money has been spent.

littlelapin · 03/09/2007 12:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TellusMater · 03/09/2007 12:03

Did they know how much they would be expected to pay before the event?

lulumama · 03/09/2007 12:03

well, maybe myself and all my friends / family do things very differntly.. i got married at 23, so no way was i in a position to pay for it

for many parents, i think it is a pleasure to make a wedding for their children

RubySlippers · 03/09/2007 12:05

tigersmum - it also means your relationship with your new relations is stressed from the start and at him leaving you to pay his bar bill

you need to tackle this head on but in a very calm way

littlelapin · 03/09/2007 12:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
tigersmum · 03/09/2007 12:08

They knew before the wedding what the final cost to them would be but it took until a week after the wedding to tell us they were not paying

OP posts:
Isababel · 03/09/2007 12:08

I married before I hit 30, and although parents suggested to pay for parts of the wedding we refused. It just didn't seem right being ourselves economically independant.

But I agree that, if they have said they would pay for the wedding, then they are responsible for the expense. Perhaps they should allow the happy couple to pay for their own boiler instead?

I would not press the matter further with them, I think their son is the one that needs to do the talking TBH. But be very diplomatic, that amount of money is not worth ruining the relationship between the two families.

Original poster
tigersmum · 03/09/2007 12:09

My daughter is 24

OP posts:
flowerybeanbag · 03/09/2007 12:10

fair enough littlelapin, obviously I know nothing about these people, (and not suggesting they went to parents asking for help). I think I would not feel so strongly about a situation like yours where the couple are paying for the wedding, but then parents or whoever say we would like to contribute, can we pay for flowers/dress/champagne for toast or something specific. That's a bit different, and as you say, you neither demanded or relied on it.
But my about people who are happy to let parents pay for stuff still stands, it's one of my bugbears I'm afraid. So many times I have heard of problems where people are struggling with wedding choices/which flat to buy, or whatever, because it is not their decision, and parents have too much control because they have a financial interest.

But as I said, I do definitely agree that if the inlaws in question said they would contribute and are now refusing, that's clearly not on.