Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In Laws refusing to pay for their share of wedding

230 replies

tigersmum · 03/09/2007 11:16

They agreed to pay half the wedding costs and now a week after the wedding they are saying that they have given them enough money in the past, like deposit for the house, double glazing, and they said they would rather but them a new boiler, whats wrong with the one they have?, rather than pay the £2,800 we aked them for which by the way is no where near half as it cost us £13,000. What the hell do we tell daughter and son in law when they get back from honeymoon at the end of the week.

OP posts:
Hurlyburly · 03/09/2007 12:10

Well of course their behaviour is unacceptable after the event.

Is their wider problem that they have paid lots for all these other things and think that both sets of parents should contribute equally?

Is this a concern that needs addressing? Because if it isn't true, then it needs nipping in the bud.

If it is true, then perhaps by pointing out your real costs (ie lots more than half) this will help them to appreciate the position.

JARM · 03/09/2007 12:13

I think to go back on an agreement after the event is worng.

The newley weds will be worried sick when they get back as to how to pay for the extra expenses.

FWIW - I got married at 21. Paid for everything myself other than the reception which was paid by my dad (£350 - only 11 people).

Inlaws paid NOTHING to the wedding and got us a duvet cover set for our wedding present - and they are loaded compared to my parents at the time.

If both parties are working full time, I dont see why a parent should fork out full expense of a wedding, I have 2 daughters and a son on the way, and if they want to get married, great, I will contribute what I can be it flowers etc but I refuse to pay the whole thing.

Fireflyfairy2 · 03/09/2007 12:13

Oh dear. What a mess.

I'd just send them the final bill And leave it up to them to pay you.

Dh's family have more money than my family do, but from the start we paid for our own wedding. Everything. We had the day we wanted & paid it off weekly in the run up to the big day.

I didn't want to be indebted to anyone.

Imagine how your new son in law will feel when they get home from honeymoon & find out there is friction between you & his parents.

If they didn't know the exact cost before the wedding then it's maybe that they haven't a clue how much weddings cost & they think you are taking advantage?

I just hope that when my children decide they are adult enough to get married, they realise they are adult enough to foot the bill too!

flowerybeanbag · 03/09/2007 12:15

Oh, and as fireflyfairy says, they may not have realised how much weddings costs - it sounds as though they agreed to pay half, rather than setting a budget of x amount, is that right? Maybe the final bill was more than they thought?

Isababel · 03/09/2007 12:16

Flowerybeanbag... I'm totally with you.

And 24 is not such an early age. DH and I were working and paying for our own expenses (mortgage included) at that age.

TellusMater · 03/09/2007 12:17

I remember asking my mum if she might be able to help out with paying for our wedding, and she said she was just about to ask me whether we would be able to help her out with it. My parents paid for the reception, which was by far the biggest thing, and we paid for everything else except the flowers, which PIL offered to pay for.

Original poster
tigersmum · 03/09/2007 12:17

My daughter tried to involve them in all the decisions that were made but they said they would leave it all up to them.Now they said because they wernt involved they wont pay. Fot Gods sake what do they want. Just have to thank lucky stars son in law is nothing like his father.

OP posts:
TellusMater · 03/09/2007 12:18

I think agreeing a budget beforehand is completely essential if you are going to split the cost between the parents.

Isababel · 03/09/2007 12:20

were they aware that the cost were going up that high?

I know that our parents had not a clue of how expensive our wedding was. They would have been shocked at how much things have changed and how expensive things have become.

PregnantGrrrl · 03/09/2007 12:21

i'm sure the SIL and daughter will have something to say when they get back.

i sheepishly asked my parents if i could have £1000 towards my wedding (DH and i paid for almost all of it), after the year before they had said i 'didn't need to worry about the wedding'...i got £200 and a slow cooker. I was put out, not because of what i got, but because nothing was said before hand. I didn't make anything of it though- no point, and i got what i wanted really, my DP as my DH.

the newlyweds are old enough to have their say when they return, and if the IL's knew the costings all along, they should have either kept to their end of the deal, or told you much earlier they couldn't / wouldn't pay up.

HorseyWoman · 03/09/2007 12:22

I think it is unfair that they agreed £2,800 and are now going back on this. But could they be feeling bitter about giving them so much money? Or maybe something at the wedding was not to their taste and they are being fickle? Once you say you will do something, you should, whether offering to do so is right or not.

Maybe they decided £2,800, not £6,500 (half the cost), because of all the other stuff they have kindly paid for.

This couple are so lucky. So many couples are struggling to pay rent, never mind find a substantial deposit for a modest house, with houseprices how they are. They've had new windows paid for which isn't cheap, and if their boiler ever needs replacing then they'll have a new one paid for as well.

I'm pretty lucky financially, but no thanks to either set of parents, all our own doing. Both sets of parents gave a gift of £250 towards the wedding/the house, but we made sure we could afford to marry before we did so, and then spent only what was necessary, and the £250 was a gift, not a contribution to the cost.

I also think it's a sweeping statement to say that most parents pay for the wedding between them, á la Father of the Bride style. That does happen but not as often as is thought. Friends of ours were in LTR and fell pregnant; they could not afford to marry and buy a house, so they decided to buy the house for security for their child. They will probably marry in a registry office. None of our parents offered to pay for parts of the wedding, although my gran ame with me to a dress fitting and decided to pay for my veil.

Fireflyfairy2 · 03/09/2007 12:22

This is very complicated.

See, she is your only daughter, therefore you felt obligated to help pay for the wedding.

Is he their only son?

Maybe they have had other family members get married & they paid a set amount towards their wedding?

Or perhaps they have a daughter also & are realising now they will have to give her the same as her brother got...

I know when dh's sister got married, a year after us, FIL paid for a lot of it. He paid for the reception & the b'maid dresses etc...

Anyway, as parents, they wanted to be fair & shortly after we had our children they give us lump sums for their accounts in lieu of paying for our wedding I still feel indebted even though it was our kids got the money & not us!!

LittleBella · 03/09/2007 12:23

I think it's irrelevant how old the couple are.

That's not the issue. The issue is that the parents said they would pay. On that basis, plans were made, budgets were drawn up, which might have been different if they hadn't said they would pay.

This isn't about whether adults should pay for their own wedding. This is about whether you should renege on a deal, IMO. If the IL's felt that the couple should pay for their own wedding, then they should have said that 2 years ago, when the plans and budgets were being drawn up. That would have been perfectly reasonable.

HorseyWoman · 03/09/2007 12:24

I was 20 when I got married. Husband was 28. We both worked (it was before I went to uni), and we paid the 12/13k bill between us somehow.

Original poster
tigersmum · 03/09/2007 12:25

They have another son and paid towards his wedding which was in Barbados not sunny Macclesfield.

OP posts:
LittleBella · 03/09/2007 12:26

I have a friend whose 2 older sisters had big weddings paid for by their father and both got divorced.

When she got married, he said no way was he going to pay for another one of those, so she paid all herself.

She's still married.

Is there a moral there somewhere?

Original poster
tigersmum · 03/09/2007 12:27

Thanks LittleBella thats my point exactly

OP posts:
PregnantGrrrl · 03/09/2007 12:27

do you think it's possible that they have money problems, but don't want to say?

Original poster
tigersmum · 03/09/2007 12:27

The point before the last one that is!

OP posts:
Original poster
tigersmum · 03/09/2007 12:28

They are loaded, had property, sold it, got a pile in the bank.

OP posts:
Isababel · 03/09/2007 12:29

Don't get me in social conventionalisms please, my MIL at some point suggested that, because I was the bride, my parents should pay for the wedding. We said we didn't want parents to pay for anything on it, we were celebrating our day and they were invited to celebrate with us. Period.

Then MIL started being a bit nasty with some ridiculous demands, and even insulted us giving us £4000 on the premise that the wedding would be done as she would like to (People talk, you know...), the 4000 were sent back, besides, she didn't even realise that that money won't even covered 1/4 of what we had planned to spend on and were prepared to pay for it.

Isababel · 03/09/2007 12:31

BTW, my last post was also irrelevant to the thread, sorry. (a rhough nerve was touched)

Fireflyfairy2 · 03/09/2007 12:31

Perhaps the wedding in Barbados wasn't fully funded by them?

Maybe the same amount that they give towards your son in law was the same as they give his brother?

LittleBella · 03/09/2007 12:32

Your MIL sounds charming Isababel.

NOT

Gawd what a nutter.

LucyJones · 03/09/2007 12:33

I would tell your daughetr everyone when she gets back. She can discuss with her new husband how to broach it with his parents. Maybe he can tellthem they don't want a new boiler and therefore ask them to pay you what they owe you.
I don't think it's a good idea to keep it from the newly married couple. It will all come out in the end and if the 2 sets of parents aren't on friendly terms they will need to know why anyway.