In Laws refusing to pay for their share of wedding

[tigersmum]

They agreed to pay half the wedding costs and now a week after the wedding they are saying that they have given them enough money in the past, like deposit for the house, double glazing, and they said they would rather but them a new boiler, whats wrong with the one they have?, rather than pay the £2,800 we aked them for which by the way is no where near half as it cost us £13,000. What the hell do we tell daughter and son in law when they get back from honeymoon at the end of the week.

when my Ds was growing up I was single parent without any money I never received maintenance for him, so we had very little, and he asked for very little.

18 months ago he married a South African girl, in SA, we didn't go, I paid for his flight, and his new suit. His IL's paid for everything out there.

3 months later (we were expecting DDIL to have to wait for her visa, it came in 3 weeks!!) they had a blessing here, for all his family, and his daughter being bridesmaid.

We paid for everything here, as now I earn a good wage and am married to a DH who agreed we were going to give them a great day.

I loved spending every penny on them, even more as neither of them expected us to, and yes it was in the thousands.

Thanks Shoshable. My DH is also not my daughters father but we both wanted to give them the day they wanted, its just that the in laws agreed to split costs and now have gone back on their word. The happy couple are due back Friday and I am dreading mentioning it.

tigersmum, I wouldn't mention it at all, until they do. This dispute is between you and the in-laws. I bet the in-laws will tell them first, and they will come to you to get your side of the story.

I agree with the others who have said that it is likely that the in-laws have had their noses put out of joint by you making a big show of presenting them with the honeymoon details at the wedding. It's not as if you paid for a week in a B+B in Scarborough- that is a big show of wealth. I would imagine that their gift was much less costly, and they thought that you were flaunting your wealth to their detriment.

I would be inclined to write this off in the interests of future relations with the family. If you don't then you're going to be faced with a very unhappy daughter and SIL.

They and their eldest son were the only two people at the wedding who DIDNT give them a gift.

We only did the presentation thing over the honeymoon beacuse it was a surprise.Thats how they wanted it. They knew they were going somewhere because they had to have passports, injections etc but didnt want to know the final destination until the day. Everyone knew they were going somewhere and everyone knew it would be abroad, because some had asked where and when we told them it was a surprise sent us money for their spends.

TM, I think they are wrong and that they should not have reneged on their agreement to pay for half of the wedding. I suspect that they were rather put out when you made a big presentation at the wedding about the very generous honeymoon you had paid for. It really wasn't a tactful thing to do and they may have felt it put their contribution in a poorer light. It wassn't necessary to draw attention to your gift in this way and in doing so I think you may may have indirectly brought this situation about. How would you have felt if the situation had been reversed and you had been made to feel that your gift was inadequate albeit inadvertantly.

In giving them the big present and drawing attention to it in this way you have given the impression that you have plenty of money. This may or may not be the case. Your new ILs may now think that you are better off than they are. You have said that they are well-off but to be honest you don't really know the state of their finances. The money that you believe they have may be part of their pension. You just don't know, nor do you know what financial obligations they have. You only have an impression. In other ways they have been generous in paying for things.

The disagreement is between you and your ILs and so don't involve your dd and her new dh. Unless the final bill is in their name and they are clearly resonsible its probably best to cut your losses in the interests of your dd and your own relationships with your new ILs. They are in the wrong over the money but IMHO so were you re the presentation.

tigersmum, I still think your presentation has some bearing on what has happened. They may see your expensive gift and think 'why should we contribute so much when they are flashing the cash like that?' Not saying that sentiment is right, as I said two days ago when I suggested it, but it could be the case. And this other in-law comment about wishing their dad would give gifts like that or wishing they could marry into your family, might just have made it worse, with the PIL feeling put out and not part of the picture. They may feel you stole the show that they were also expected to pay towards.

Going back on their word was wrong, but there have to be reasons other than them being mean! One way or another you have to work out who is going to pay these bills, because it's your daughter and her DH who will be lumbered if you don't.

I actually thought the wedding gift would be each of you contributing towards the wedding. Maybe the PIL just felt cast under your shadow. Afterall, you were Parents of the Bride!

It's a bit odd that they gave no gift at all and neither did the eldest son. I agree they could have considered paying towards the costs of the wedding as their gift but if they in the end decided not to contribute, this looks a bit odd. My feeling is something annoyed them in the build-up to the wedding and let's face it a big do like that is a minefield.

Well, you sent your letter and we'll just have to see how they respond. I think the young couple are extremely lucky that both sets of parents have been so generous. What is important now is that the marriage gets off to a good start.

Good luck sorting it all out

You'd have to be incredibly petty to get upset about your son and daughter-in-law being given a lovely honeymoon as their wedding gift. So what if there was a presentation, they should be happy for them - it's the married couple's day, not the parents-in-law's.

I still think that these people never planned on paying but just kept schtum in order that nobody could do anything about it until it was too late.

I'd tell your daughter and son-in-law. The pair who made the promise and then reneged on it started the trouble, not you tigersmum. You are under no obligation to keep their secrets and bringing it out in the open might open the possibility for resolution which certainly won't happen if it's brushed under the carpet.

I agree totally.

I'm not saying I would be upset; I am saying that this is a probable reason for their about-turn. And it's pretty petty behaviour to go back on your word about paying half for a wedding, so what makes you think they aren't petty enough for that?

And I also wasn't saying they are upset about the gift of a holiday; I WAS saying that they probably think tigersmum are loaded enough to pay for it on their own. That's not a nice judgement for them to make, but then again it's a judgement tm has been making about the PIL, throughout this post.

What other reason would you give, then? Is it more logical for you that they just wanted to land their son up shit creek? If so, then it's probably that.

But, Elizabeth, if they did never plan to pay their part for the wedding, they are even more petty and stupid than even being upset at the holiday would be. The main person they are hurting is their son.

By now, they should be thinking about responding to TM's letter. Have you heard anything, TM?

No word as of today and still no payments for the suit hire from either him or his other son, now that really is taking the piss.

Why did you cover the payment for their suits? wouldn't it have been easier to let them find their own clothes and pay by them themselves?

Unless, of course, they wouldn't have matched the tablecloths if left to their own devices

Ah... weddings, this reminds me of my MIL, who the first thing she said when looking at my wedding dress was "Oh no! It won't match the flowers in the church!"... can't get that yet, being the dress a warm white in its totality )

All 11 suits were paid for by my husband at a wedding fayre so we could get a hefty discount, everyone else has paid for theirs.

Yes that IS taking the piss! My aunt and uncle did that to us, though. Said they couldn't afford it at the time, would pay a week after the wedding, but it never materialised. £75 for uncle's suit, which he didn't actually need (he could have worn his own suit as he wasn't part of wedding party).

I think weddings bring out the selfish sides in some family members, for sure.

But this one is baffling when it is their own son involved!Maybe they think it is you they are hurting, but ultimately, apart from maybe financially, it will be you D and SIL.

Isabable - most suit hire places give discounts for group hire. That's what we did anyway.

Tigers mum - when they agreed to pay half of the wedding was the total cost decided upon? Could they have anticipated paying half of a smaller amount?

Isababel

Also, at the wedding were the amount of guests 50/50 or were there more on 'your side?'

Tiger's mum, have the in laws had sight of how the wedding costs have been broken down? Do they know that the honeymoon cost has not been added to those costs? Also, just wanted to say that is it possible that they didnt buy a separate present cos they understood their share of the wedding costs as their gift (and also yours)? If so, maybe they just feel put out that they feel they were denied the chance to give a separate wedding gift themselves? Im really NOT saying that you created this situation, just trying to see things as they might, and to help you understand why they are reacting like this.

Finally, would still encourage you to try to talk to them, as you are unlikely to have the benefit first hand of any conversation they may have with thier son about this. Is there a risk that they will say something to suggest that YOU have been unreasonable about this issue and add "they didnt even bother discussing this with us, just sent a letter demanding money". (even though WE know it wasnt like that and not how you intended it to be received). Its just SO SO difficult to interpret the tone of written words. Just a thought.

Its hard to say if they are being unreasonable based on the info the OP has given. Was a budget discussed at the start and did it go over? Did they think the monthly payments they were making up until the wedding would cover the costs? Did the bill increase once your daughter knew they didnt have to pay for anything?

They may feel that too much was spent and from your posts they may not have felt able to approach you in the run up to the wedding. If they had little involvement I can see why they would refuse to pay anymore.

His bar bill is different and he should have settled that himself.

As for not bringing a present, my MIL didnt either as she paid for my dress. We had a very simple wedding and I wasn't planning on a dress but she said she would love for me to have one so paid an amount to the shop direct and left me to choose one. After paying £350 for a dress and hubbies suit (more than the reception cost!) I wouldnt have for one moment expected a present as well. We would never have asked for help with the wedding or expected it as we are grown adults and its up to us to pay our own way in life and not others.

The honeymoon might well have put their noses firmly out of joint. It was a nice present but I personally wouldnt have done it in a "presentation". If your daughter knew your present was the honeymoon and wanted the destination a surprise, you could have just given them the tickets at the end of the night privately rather than make a big show of it. What present could they have bought that would have matched upto a honeymoon, probably part of the reason they didnt bring one.

It sounds like this wedding was more yours and your daughters wedding and the IL's were simply there for case purposes.

I agree that I certainly wouldn't expect someone who is (thinks they are) paying for half a wedding to buy a present as well.
And I do think that buying an expensive honeymoon (lovely thing to do) and then presenting it in front of everyone rather than giving it privately is a bit insensitive and 'flashing the cash'.
Sitting down and having a conversation about what expectations/misunderstandings/lack of communication there were/was on both sides might help before you get formal?

tigersmum,

you have (apparently) pointedly failed to answer perfectly reasonable questions about whether the ILs knew the expected cost of the wedding, the total cost or how much the final bill would be. So, I'm extrapolating and assuming that, even though they did agree to pay half, they didn't how much that half was going to be. You then presented the happy couple with an expensive honeymoon, in an ostentatious fashion. I'm not surprised they were then pissed off.

Yes they were wrong to land you with their suit hire costs and bar bill.

Do you want opinions, or just posts from people who agree with you?