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Original poster

In Laws refusing to pay for their share of wedding

230 replies

tigersmum · 03/09/2007 11:16

They agreed to pay half the wedding costs and now a week after the wedding they are saying that they have given them enough money in the past, like deposit for the house, double glazing, and they said they would rather but them a new boiler, whats wrong with the one they have?, rather than pay the £2,800 we aked them for which by the way is no where near half as it cost us £13,000. What the hell do we tell daughter and son in law when they get back from honeymoon at the end of the week.

OP posts:
flowerybeanbag · 03/09/2007 14:13

What a marvellous post cestlavie!

cornsilk · 03/09/2007 14:30

So what percentage of the wedding have they actually paid already then?

annieatno4 · 03/09/2007 15:10

Thread hijack here -
But many years ago I used to live in Macclesfield - happy memories - DD was born there.

Sorry hijack over!
Annie

Fireflyfairy2 · 03/09/2007 16:14

Cestlavie speaks a lot of sense, I've said it before

It doesn't sound like tigerfeet is badly off, so perhaps the best thing to do is forget about it & maintain the moral high ground

Elizabetth · 03/09/2007 16:25

If it was me I'd rather have the low ground (and it isn't the low ground as the other pair are still lower for trying to wriggle out of their promise) and get the money that was promised.

macdoodle · 03/09/2007 16:43

TBH IM(v)HO £13K is a ridiculous amount of money to spend on one day

mojosmum · 03/09/2007 19:30

i am tigersmums friend & also attended the wedding the inlaws had over 2yrs ago offered to pay for half even though had they not tigersmum would of kept to the budget that she could afford & her dd & sil would of been more than happy with that
her dds mother inlaw says that dd is taking her son away from her when its not that way at all he is a grown man who is so obvoiusly to everyone that knows them in love with tigersmums dd you would thing that she would be happy that he had found such a lovely girl as she is.
the deposit on the house that he said paid was a loan that is being paid back & today we have worked out that the windows where actually payment for some work that his son had done for him, has also put in asmuch as she & her dh could afford to help them in there lives together,

tigersmum is the sort of person who would help anyone with anything she would go out of her way to help someone & has done for many people that she really doesnt know that well she is one of those amazing people that everyone would like to know & so is her husband thats why she has done & given so much to her dd & will be trying to do exactley the same for her son when he gets married next years

toomuchtodo · 03/09/2007 19:40

I think mojosmum and tigersmum are one and the same person

Desiderata · 03/09/2007 19:49

Bloody 'ell, mojo! Ever heard of punctuation?

Sorry, I've read through the entire thread, and I don't have an opinion either way.

Helpful? Not remotely.

TnOgu · 03/09/2007 19:50

< You kill me, Desi >

NurseyJo · 03/09/2007 19:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

belgo · 03/09/2007 19:53

both my parents and my inlaws covered the cost of the wedding meal. Just as well it only cost 200 pounds or thereabouts. (we never told them that they both paid)

mojosmum · 03/09/2007 20:19

lol i am not tigersmum ask onelittlelion we are 2 different people

Rantmum · 03/09/2007 20:32

Hmmm. My parents and inlaws paid for our wedding when I was 23 and out of university. I would happily have eloped with dh and had an inexpensive party with friends to mark the occasion. However, had we done that I think that (almost 10 years later) our relationship with both sets of parents would be scarred - very "traditional" families where family celebrations = v. important and a small wedding (or even a big wedding in our 30s paid for and celebrated completely on OUR terms) would have really rocked the boat.

So I feel no guilt about the fact that both parents paid for a wedding: we got to have the friends that we wanted and had input into the day, and the parents/inlaws got to invite all their friends, relatives etc. So a big celebration, everyone happy, dh and I married and not completely broke at the start of our life together.

Tigersmum, it is tricky but clearly they do have the money if they can contemplate a new boiler, so I would say a financial commitment is just that - they need to pay!

Mog · 03/09/2007 20:35

The man involved added his drinks bill to your bill. They know exactly what they are doing so something has made them vindictive about this. Could he be jealous that you made a presentation of the honeymoon at the wedding?
As for how you get the money back I don't know but you are in the right.

Original poster
tigersmum · 03/09/2007 21:22

Thanks to everyone for their input. We have written to them in an effort to get this sorted by Friday if not then thats up to them. Thanks everyone.Mojosmum came to the wedding as our guest she is not the mother of the bride, thats me.

OP posts:
stripeybumpsmum · 03/09/2007 21:26

Sorry to be so blunt,but there are a lot of irrelevant accusations going on here about who should and shouldn't pay for weddings.

Fact is there was an agreement to pay a set proportion of the cost. Had they agreed to pay the suppliers direct - i.e. they paid specifically for the flowers, or the venue, or the dress whatever - it is totally irrelevant for them to say 'Ah, but we have spent money on other things in the past or we would rather spend it on a boiler at B & Q.' Debt collectors for Macclesfield Bridal Gowns/Limos/Flowers etc are hardly going to be sympathetic so why should tigersmum?

If I was being generous, I'd say you could connect the point Mojosmum made about the ILs feeling their son was being stolen with the comment at the wedding 'I'd be in your family if you give presents like that' (about honeymoon). It obviously touched a raw nerve. However, given what has been said about their bizarre payment so as not to loose interest, I think they are just taking the piss and either do not actually have the money or never had any intention of parting with it.

Not a lot of helpful advice, but personally I think if you try to hush this up and not tell your DD and DSIL it will not stay hidden and will fester with resentment until it really blows up big time. I think your DSIL needs to know and tackle it head on.

SSSandy2 · 03/09/2007 21:33

good luck tigersmum, I really wouldn't know how to tackle this one

Fireflyfairy2 · 03/09/2007 21:36

Do you think they perhaps saw the gift you give your dd & their son & felt a little resentment? As if you were pushing your wealth in their face?

You mentioned the monthly cheques... do you think they might reckon they were paying off their half with the cheques & then you come at them for more? Maybe it was a shock when they had thought the cheques they had been paying you were for their share??

cat64 · 03/09/2007 21:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Scotia · 03/09/2007 21:55

So what were the monthly cheques for if not towards wedding costs? And how much have these cheques actually amounted to? Someone further down asked about this too, but it wasn't answered, and I think it's very relevant to your dispute.

It's all very well for us to say they should do this or that, without any of us knowing the full facts.

jamiesmom · 04/09/2007 01:06

If they agreed to pay half the wedding costs then they give you the money. Someone should tell them this will put a black cloud over the whole day for dd & sil when they get back & will make things difficult in the future when you all have to get together.

Sakura · 04/09/2007 01:11

My mother used to use money all the time as a way to keep me in check and under her control. It was very normal for her to wave a carrot under my nose and then threaten or actually withold it when I already had set my heart on something that I wouldnT have bothered with if she hadnT have promised the money. Now, to be fair, I was a teenager when this would happen, but this is what happened when I decided to become independant:
I told her that DH and I would be paying for our wedding ourselves. She hit the roof, said she was insulted, we were ungrageful , it just turned into a huge nightmare because she was scared of losing control over me. Now, I dont doubt that if Id have upset her just before the wedding or after, or even just on a whim like in this case, that she would have decided not to spend the money in the end.
My point is, its really difficult to judge why people accept money from their parents even though they are adults, and most of the time its not because they are scroungers. Its because its the easiest way to keep the peace, and if you rock the boat my telling the parents that you don`t need this and that gift, if they are control freaks (and it sounds like these in-laws are) it turns into a lot of trouble, so people sometimes just think its easier to accept the money.

Original poster
tigersmum · 04/09/2007 08:26

What with the money they gave us each month and the money we asked them for in the end this still did not amount to half but considerably less. They have had a letter, should receive this morning, and happy couple will be told when they get back at the weekend. We will then leave it as we dont want to cause too much upset to the happy couple over this , just chalk it down as a bad experience and hopefully not run into them again anytime soon. Just to put another point, we are not wealthy as some one put it , we have just known about the wedding for two and a half years and saved up. Now ALL our savings have gone, what we had left after this wedding was going towards going out to South Korea for our sons wedding next August, and its custom over there for the happy couple to pay for their own wedding but that will not stop us, as parents, helping out where we can.

OP posts:
SSSandy2 · 04/09/2007 09:15

tis all a bit odd. I think if you got along with them generally, a meal out together and a good chat might clear it up. Hard to say.

Cat, would you really take them to court? I mean dd has just married their son and you'll have to interact with them for years to come.

Hope they respond well to the letter tigersmum, good luck with it all. Sorry that such a cloud came over the wedding and everything. Did it at least go well, the way you all wanted?