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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In Laws refusing to pay for their share of wedding

230 replies

tigersmum · 03/09/2007 11:16

They agreed to pay half the wedding costs and now a week after the wedding they are saying that they have given them enough money in the past, like deposit for the house, double glazing, and they said they would rather but them a new boiler, whats wrong with the one they have?, rather than pay the £2,800 we aked them for which by the way is no where near half as it cost us £13,000. What the hell do we tell daughter and son in law when they get back from honeymoon at the end of the week.

OP posts:
ellis65 · 03/09/2007 12:33

Thats where your money went!!

LucyJones · 03/09/2007 12:33

"tell your daughter everything"

PregnantGrrrl · 03/09/2007 12:34

yes, silly to consider keeping it from them. they are man and wife now, not kids. besdies, stuff like this festers and will only keep coming up.

Peachy · 03/09/2007 12:37

Totally agree with Littlebella's post- its not about who should pay for the wedding, that argument very truly over. Agreeing to pay for something and then just abcking out is completely unacceptable.

Also, the debt isn't towards the children- a boiler will not cop it no matter how sparkly- the debt is to you, as you paid up from what I can see.

Certainly don't hide from the newlyweds, these things have a way of outing anyhow and really you need to be open about it all if as generously as you can.

coppertop · 03/09/2007 12:37

I agree with LittleBella. Yes they have paid a lot of money out in the past, and it's reasonable to expect people to pay for their own wedding etc but they said they were going to pay and so should now honour that agreement.

BabiesEverywhere · 03/09/2007 12:37

This wasn't a wedding on the Saturday 1st September, when the main wedding took place at another location and they coached everyone to Macclesfield for the reception ?

Peachy · 03/09/2007 12:39

(My MIL gave us a receipt for £1500 she ahd paid to the reception venue as a wedding hgift, then said we had to sue as a hosue deposit- we did. A year later she telephoned and asked for the money back as we hadnt used properly! Dh pinted out we never had any money or a say (just a receipt) and that anyway we did buy a house just 3 months after the wedding.
We learned a lot about her then that turned out to be true, an invaluable lesson imo.

Original poster
tigersmum · 03/09/2007 12:39

Not sure if they had their noses put out during the wedding as my husband did a presntation thing for their honeymoon as they didnt know where they were going till the wedding day. A comment was made to my husband from one of FIL's family members along the lines of WOW can you be MY dad if you give presents like that.

OP posts:
Original poster
tigersmum · 03/09/2007 12:40

Wedding wasnt this weekend just gone.

OP posts:
PregnantGrrrl · 03/09/2007 12:42

wow peachy- this is why i NEVER ask anyone for anything, even if i go without. the one time i did - my wedding - after i was told i could have whatever i wanted, i didn't get it anyway.

I've always felt you can never be held to ransom by unreasonable people if you do things yourself. It's a shame, but some people are like that.

Peachy · 03/09/2007 12:45

Oh we never asked for anything, was a wedding 'gift'! Dh ahd an endowment amturing that was due to cover it all anyhow. My Mum wouldn't even contribute £30 for a veil- not an issue. But MIl just turned up with receipt out of the blue.

famillies eh?

Isababel · 03/09/2007 12:46

But littlebella... that was only the begining of it!

My evil MIL!

HorseyWoman · 03/09/2007 12:46

Ooops, tiger, it sounds like they may think you have enough money to pay for the whole thing, with comments like that about your DH's presentation. Where did they go, btw?

I think the ILs sound daft. You don't agree to something and then back out; it's going to cause ill feeling from your daughter and SIL, directed towards them.

Original poster
tigersmum · 03/09/2007 12:48

10 day beach and safari in Kenya.

OP posts:
Fireflyfairy2 · 03/09/2007 12:50

Was the honeymoon a gift from you & your dh?

Peachy · 03/09/2007 12:50

Isababel MY MIL was telephoned by this morning to come and be interviewed as Briatins Most Evil MIL (she wouldn't go! Not surprisingly LOL)

And no I didnt nominate her, DH did

Peachy · 03/09/2007 12:51

Wow Tigersmum, my Sis got married on safari in kenya- they loved it. Amazing gift.

how much you spent is irrelevant- if you agree to pay, you pay up. If they ahd seriosu money collapse that woudl need discussion, but in lieu of that it simply isn't on.

YeahBut · 03/09/2007 12:57

Tiger, if the ILs agreed to pay and are now backing out, that's out of order. Tell your dd and son-in-law when they get back and let their son see if he can sort it out calmly first.

Isababel · 03/09/2007 13:00

Peachy, mine lives in Spain, that's why she was not nominated although very very very of DH nominating his own mum.

Although it seems like she is a bit of a legend on MN now

cornsilk · 03/09/2007 13:06

Could they feel that more was spent on the bride than the groom? How much was the dress, flowers, bridesmaids dresses? Were they as involved in the photos?

Original poster
tigersmum · 03/09/2007 13:31

Honeymoon was a gift to them from us. As far as we are concerned an agreement is an agreement, we would never have gone back on our word if it had been the other way round.
Agree that we should leave it to son in law to speak to them.

OP posts:
HorseyWoman · 03/09/2007 13:32

Peachy, I am just PMSL at this!

Tiger, this is just really strange, can't get my head round it as I am sure you can't. Feel sorry for your daughter adn her DH, who thought they had another nearly 3k to play with. It's really mean of the ILs and they should know what it is like to be young and saving money. If they hadn't been promised the 3k, they would have spent less or found it elsewhere, I am sure.

HorseyWoman · 03/09/2007 13:33

tiger, I am not saying they are justified, but that is a possible explanation given the comment from one of the IL's family.

Elizabetth · 03/09/2007 13:56

Sounds to me like they never intended to pay up but just kept up a pretence until after the wedding when there's nothing anybody can do about it.

Very mean-spirited. Their son is going to be very hurt when he finds out.

cestlavie · 03/09/2007 14:11

I'd have thought it's relatively straightfoward. They agreed to pay half of the costs of the wedding. Was this contingent on anything, e.g. that the cost is no more than £8K, that they have a say in the planning? If it was, and this wasn't done, then it wouldn't be unfair for them to say they're unwilling to pay half. If they it wasn't then they should pay the amount they owe.

Assuming it's the latter, then I guess the next question is to what extent does it affect you? Does it just piss you off that they've gone back on their word or is their refusal to pay going to cause you financial difficulties. It sounds like it's the former, but if it was the latter then you would want to explore any possible route for getting the money back from them.

Assuming it's the former though, then really it's just a case of how much does it matter to you and what are your priorities? What's important here: Getting the money back? Getting some sort of moral justice (i.e. let people like DD and DSIL know what they've done and what bad people they are)? Maintaining a workable relationship with your in-laws? DD and DSIL's happiness and memories of their wedding day? The reality is you're not going to be able to satisfy all of them, so figuring out which are most important is probably your best first step.