Break ups and cheating

[youngandconfused99]

Hi everyone -

Long story tried to make short

Been with DP 3 years, he has two children, and is older than me (23/30) in those 3 years we have moved into a lovely rented house, we have a very stable relationship with the DC, and very close with both families etc.

DP is a drinker, depressive, woe is me - I’ve had issues in childhood which I now think has made me want to fix people etc. He is lovely and amazing but when in a mood rude and cold.

3 months ago I left him as found out he had slept with children’s mum. He love bombed me and I ended up believing he would change and we could work things out. Was perfect for 6 weeks.

This weekend he’s been really cold and snappy, and tonight he has gone and I’ve just found his car parked out side DC house.

I am finished , I know I will not put myself through this again.

But I’m scared about the upcoming love bomb, because I’m sure tomorrow he will say it was a mistake etc, and he won’t want to move out etc etc

Just looking for advice on staying strong , because even will all the shit he’s done, I can’t help but feel like I have to do anything for his happiness

23 yrs old .. FFS pet get out and meet someone besides an older cheater with baggage. He was punching to get you in the first place.

*punching above his weight

I can’t help but feel like I have to do anything for his happiness

Think about your own happiness; cause he won't (he certainly wasn't when he chose to shag his ex, and after you'd been willing to take him on with his kids to boot. Most 23 yr olds wouldn't be bothered with that - and who could blame them). Look after yourself; that's your first responsibility.

I second exactly what @GilbertMarkham sez

What are the arrangements with your rented place (thinking about how to get him out)?

Get rid
Everything is in your favour
No joint children
No shared ownership of property
I would just get out asap

@GilbertMarkham we both are on the tenancy so unless he moves back in with her, we will both have to sort it out and agree to leave as neither can afford it alone - I really hope they just get back together for my sake, but I don’t think she wants him back, he’s just a toy to her

Do you have somewhere to go OP, fairly easily? Because I'd move while he was at work, leave a note telling him to fuck off, then block him on absolutely everything - phone, text, WhatsApp, any social media (don't just delete him, block him) email accounts. If you've ever logged into anything on one of his devices, change those passwords. If you've been having sex without condoms I'd suggest sti testing.

This may sound ott but as an alcoholic he's unpredictable and has already shown how he can convincingly lovebomb.

If he comes to your home, don't answer the door, just shout through it "Leave immediately or I'll call the police."

Don't be tempted to get into any back and forth about "but wwhhhhhhhhhyyyyyyyy? I'm soooo sad and I might... Well I've had such dark thoughts..." and other veiled references to off himself. DO NOT ENGAGE.

To be honest I’d rather he left as I don’t really have somewhere to go yet, I could sort something long term! I’m going to tell him to go stay with her, if she wants sleepovers she can have him full time

DP is a drinker, depressive, woe is me

Didn't even catch this part til I read your op again; so you've been putting up with that as well?

So he's an alco, depressive, self pitying older cheater with baggage.

To say you're well rid is an understatement. I hope you don't touch him with a barge pole again but if you ever do, please please double up contraception, my fear for you is that you'd fall pregnant by him.

There are threads on here somewhere about dealing with breakups; will link if can find any.

Re. the issues you've mentioned, have you had any counselling?

I'd also recommend reading "he's just not that into you" - corny title for surprisingly good book and a general.one about abuse in relationships and spitting red flags 'why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft.

www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

It's mainly about physical abuse but covers an awful lot of other stuff very well too so worth a read.

*spotting not spitting

Wonder would it be worth taking to the letting agent/landlord, explaining that you've broken up a d neither can afford to pay on own and see what, if anything,they could do. How much notice do you have to give to quit?

I'd you want to stay til you've got alternative accommodation, could a friend or similar move in to split costs?

Could you move in with family, or are they part of why you have the issues you've mentioned?

Last night I felt numb to all of this, today I feel like wrecking ball has just come and smashed my life up. Struggling with what I even say to him now, as I know he will come back to our house tonight and just pretend nothing has happened or that it wasn’t a big deal etc etc.

My family are amazing, but I can’t face telling them yet, I’ve told my sister as we are really close, but no one else yet

Just keep reminding yourself that he values you so little he will shag someone else behind your back. More than once, most likely. You have proof, you have no real ties, if you let him back in he'll do it again. Don't give him the chance.

What an absolute arsehole! You need to leave this man OP. You’re 23 and have your whole life ahead of you. Start making some arrangements today! Move back in with your family and block him on everything!

I know, I gave him another chance and he’s done it again and again. I’ve just text him and said I’m working late tonight so to use that time to get some stuff and he can go stay with her (DC mum)

He’s read and ignored it

I’ve just text my mum too, can’t stop crying today

You're young with no ties wasting time with an alcoholic cheat. Seriously, I remember being 23 and I was having a ball. I had a boyfriend my age and we moved to Asia and learned a new language, started a career, travelled a lot and experienced sp much aged 23-32 which is when I had my first child. Life as a mum has been great but I am so glad that I did all those things before having kids.

Yeah I want to be with someone who is proud of me , I have a really good job, and I know I’m a really nice person, I was brought up by hardworking good people, I want someone to be with me and think, wow I want to marry her!

I’m fed up of feeling so unloved

You will find someone like that once you have had some time alone and blocked this arsehole from your life. Prepare for the lies. The kids were ill, he wasn't there he was at his mates, he didn't do anything, she came on to him...he will say anything to try and control you. And it is control not love but that's on him not you. Well done for not standing for it

I thought the same, so last night I drove by to confirm his car was there so there was no denying (took a photo too)

I’m just waiting for the drama now, he hasn’t replied to my message saying to stay with her and get his things, so I’ll wait and see what shit comes back

Some men thrive on this toxic drama. He's obviously very immature going for a 20 year old when he has had children. Again that's on him not you

I was talking to a friend and said I feel like he wants the physical life with me, house, lifestyle etc, but the emotional side with her, which isn’t healthy , I think I might need to see a counsellor as it is. I can’t imagine being in a relationship were I feel like I can say what I think always and not worried about being cheated on constantly

You are worth more than this. Do not waste anymore of your life with this man, he will never bring you happiness.

These should be some of the best years of your life, you’re young and child free, enjoy them!

I really appreciate all your messages, helps me feel less alone!

His mum and I are really close, she knows what’s happened in the past, she’s just text asking how things are (she knows it’s been tough this last week) and she’s told me he’s an idiot and I deserve better