Break ups and cheating

[youngandconfused99]

Hi everyone -

Long story tried to make short

Been with DP 3 years, he has two children, and is older than me (23/30) in those 3 years we have moved into a lovely rented house, we have a very stable relationship with the DC, and very close with both families etc.

DP is a drinker, depressive, woe is me - I’ve had issues in childhood which I now think has made me want to fix people etc. He is lovely and amazing but when in a mood rude and cold.

3 months ago I left him as found out he had slept with children’s mum. He love bombed me and I ended up believing he would change and we could work things out. Was perfect for 6 weeks.

This weekend he’s been really cold and snappy, and tonight he has gone and I’ve just found his car parked out side DC house.

I am finished , I know I will not put myself through this again.

But I’m scared about the upcoming love bomb, because I’m sure tomorrow he will say it was a mistake etc, and he won’t want to move out etc etc

Just looking for advice on staying strong , because even will all the shit he’s done, I can’t help but feel like I have to do anything for his happiness

Thankyou all so much for writing it means a lot to me!!

I’m home now and had a big cry at the thought of being alone all evening when I’m used to having company (good or bad) but running myself a bath and going to watch some Netflix, hoping to try and relax and focus on my future, it’s all just really raw at the moment

I'm married now but DH works away a fair bit so I'm still stuck on my own, I'm not over keen on being alone at night either so can sympathise with that. It helps me to keep my mind busy and keep reminding myself that I'm a perfectly capable adult person and have so far managed to handle everything life has thrown at me.

Ask yourself whether he would actually be any use to you in the kind of situation you worry about when you're alone (probably not) and start looking for the positives in being independent. This next few weeks might be tough but it's so fucking liberating coming out the other side and realising you can cope on your own and, actually, you quite like your own company. Do something tonight he would have hated, watch something he would have moaned about, eat nutella out of the jar, drag the pillows and duvet onto the sofa and set up camp, anything you know he would have pulled a face at!

It doesn't sound like you can afford to be sad right now, you need anger, outrage and defiance to get you through this part so no letting the sadness creep in tonight, you need what I call 'how fucking dare he!' mode right now

I know it's easy to say the pain will fade when you're not the one feeling the pain; but it will. The only way to help it is no contact, no time spent with the person, no SM stealthing, no interaction, trying not to get into compulsive thininv about them or the situation etc. .... And keeping yourself very busy and having as much company as you possibly can. Could anyone stay with you for a bit? Could you stay with people? Can you organise things to do? Is there any hobby or activity you've let go and could go back to or anything at all you fancy that you could try?
Challenging activities like learning to do a new sport or even craft can really make you focus on something other than the pain and break a cycle of thinking about it a lot.

Your messages are so helpful! Tonight as I was so upset mum and sister came over and I spoke to them about everything and felt good to voice all the negatives to remind myself what it’s really like. He messaged me “hope you’re okay” I’ve just ignored it but worried it’s going to lead to “I’m so sorry , I love you “ etc etc

Would rather we just kept that away and sort this out like adults now

Praying to stay strong tomorrow and to have a better day

You should be proud of yourself OP, you're making good choices and being honest with yourself and those closest to you about your weak points where he is concerned, that's the best way to protect against him sucking you back in. It sounds trite but just keep doing what you're doing, one foot in front of the other for a little while til you're out the other side, it will be sooner than you think too

Thankyou ❤️ He’s text me today saying do I want to talk etc etc, I’ve said no, I really hope you find happiness, but we both need to move on and make fresh starts as our relationship isn’t right. He says he agrees but will always love me. I’ve just said okay etc, haven’t really given anything away.

Hoping it stays like this and we can move on as adults, just need to sort the house out x

You are handling this so well OP. Keep strong.

Thankyou @suggestionsplease1 it doesn’t feel it, I feel so out of my depth. I am such a people pleaser that this all feels cruel :(

You feel like you're being cruel to him?! If so, you really shouldn't. I'm amazed you are able to tell him at this point that you hope he finds happiness.

Keep your boundaries strong and tap into a little bit of anger to preserve them. It's not ok for you to have been treated like this. You deserve better. Prioritise what you know you need to do for you.

@suggestionsplease1

I know it is so stupid, but I feel like I’m taking the life away from he that he “wants” which I understand is so stupid considering he is the one that gets drunk and cheats on me. I’m hoping in time this feeling will pass.

I do feel angry, I feel angry that he’s taken the life away from me that I wanted, and all he can do is say “I am sorry” but if you are sorry you wouldn’t keep doing it. He’s said he’s knows he will grow old and lonely, and my first thought was, sorry but you didn’t think of me and how worthless I now feel?

Still very up and down, one minute I just want to have him with me for comfort, the next I feel stronger

Day 2, so hopefully it’s just early day feelings

It's not stupid, it shows you are a considerate and selfless person and one day you will be focusing those qualities on someone who truly deserves them and is able to give the same back to you.

If you think you’re being cruel think about the cruel way he’s treated you. He hasn’t given a shit about your feelings. Hold on to your anger. How dare he treat you like this, you’re worth more! Block his number so he can’t love bomb you. That’s all manipulation it’s not genuine concern for your feelings.

You need to break this cycle of going back to him the moment he says he’s sorry. Else this will be your life! The longer you stay away from him and have no contact the easier it will become. Then set your bar higher.

You're 23 and he's basically a depressive 30 year old with two kids and the ex he's shagging.

Get out now. Seriously.

You do not want the hassle of someone else's kids and ex at your age. Way too much chew on. Please don't do it. You don't need to either.

If you're worried about being love bombed then move out. Can you stay with family or a friend? Can you surrender your tenancy? Or take the financial hit?

You do not want to put up with some twat of a OH and is Ex.

Hey everyone, thanks again for all the messages!

He’s staying at hers, so I’m staying at the house, if he starts trying to come back, I’ll will go and move back to my mums - this is the long term plan, but ideally she needs a couple of weeks to get my room ready!

I feel okay at the moment but I do really miss him, but I think it’s more the idea of him then the real him sometimes

I do feel angry, I feel angry that he’s taken the life away from me that I wanted

Hold onto this, anger is what will give you a defence against the love bombing. Find your righteous indignation, think about everything you did for him, the loyalty you showed him, the sacrifices you made and then compare that to how he's treated you.

You should be raging with the unfairness and injustice of it, and yes I know that's an unfamiliar emotion to people-pleasers like us but it's totally justified in this situation, how fucking dare he treat you like this?!! Don't let that thought go, it needs to fully override your guilty, 'hope you find happiness' voice right now or you will be wide open to his next attempt to worm his way back in.

Every time you catch yourself feeling sorry for him you need to refocus your thoughts on what he's done to you, it takes willpower but it's worth the effort to protect yourself from ever going through this with him again. We'll tell you this stuff as often as you need to hear it if it helps get you through the danger period while you might go back but surround yourself with people who will let you rant (and maybe have a bit of a rant themselves on your behalf to keep you company ), you will need an outlet in real life too. Have a think about minimising contact as well, it won't help you to be in touch with him about anything non-essential and you have to put yourself first now

If your situation was not you but a friend what would you advise her

You are not being selfish by leaving you are doing something called self preservation

I found out about the cheating way down the line. You do not want to be looking back in 15 years wishing you had put your sanity and mental health first

You are so young- this man is not worth your time love or care and neither is his happiness your responsibility

Ask him to leave or you leave

Block his number and any contact via email should be about the house only

Otherwise whatever you do don’t reply

@Hidingtonothing Thankyou for your words, it all makes perfect sense!! I hope by the end of the week I’m feeling much stronger and I know I’ll be sad, but I don’t need someone in my life who really truly treats me like this

I just hope he gets bored and stops texting etc, I’m not replying unless it’s a questions about the house etc and I’m being very blunt in all messages, I can’t allow myself to show him any emotion or I will cave.

I miss him a lot today, but suppose that’s only natural as it’s been less than 48 hours!

You know he isn't 'lovely' at all don't you. I think a lot if ppl get caught in the cycle of thinking 'when he's good it's perfect'. But the fact is - when he's good, it's just an act to suck you in. Normal people don't love bomb either. Nor are they cold af to people they care for.

You are better of free of that ice king. Don't get pulled in by whatever lie he spins about caring or how you're the only one who gets him or whatever other shit comes next.

Stay free!

@pinkbonbon I know it’s so true, I’ve made this idea of him in my head that exists maybe 1 week a month and I’ve made myself miss that version, when in reality he’s not like that most of the time.

I’m not giving in as it stands, and I hope I stays strong all week

You can to it :)

Might be wise to block him on everything.

You could try writing a letter of all the things you want to say to him and then burning it, for closure.

And note down all the bad stuff about him and how he hurt you so that if you're ever tempted to contact him you can read it.

You'll find someone new in time who appreciates you! Might be worthwhile reading up on narcissists in the mean time though so you don't get sucked in by any other cold hearted fakers in future.

Yeah he only can contact me via WhatsApp, and I’ve said if he starts trying to guilt me I’ll block it, but want to keep that open until we have sorted house etc.

It’s really tough, but having all of you and my RL Family makes it less lonely, tonight I’m doing to top my hair dye up, have some relax time and watch love island, and going to aim for no crying tonight if poss 😁

Cry if you want.
Helps get it all out.
But good plan for tonight.
Try to enjoy it and your own space.

Keep posting here,

Didn’t mean to post that so soon. I was going to say, keep posting here especially if you have a wobble.