Break ups and cheating

[youngandconfused99]

Hi everyone -

Long story tried to make short

Been with DP 3 years, he has two children, and is older than me (23/30) in those 3 years we have moved into a lovely rented house, we have a very stable relationship with the DC, and very close with both families etc.

DP is a drinker, depressive, woe is me - I’ve had issues in childhood which I now think has made me want to fix people etc. He is lovely and amazing but when in a mood rude and cold.

3 months ago I left him as found out he had slept with children’s mum. He love bombed me and I ended up believing he would change and we could work things out. Was perfect for 6 weeks.

This weekend he’s been really cold and snappy, and tonight he has gone and I’ve just found his car parked out side DC house.

I am finished , I know I will not put myself through this again.

But I’m scared about the upcoming love bomb, because I’m sure tomorrow he will say it was a mistake etc, and he won’t want to move out etc etc

Just looking for advice on staying strong , because even will all the shit he’s done, I can’t help but feel like I have to do anything for his happiness

Listen to her.
She is absolutely right.
You deserve better.
Stop wasting your youth on this lowlife, cheating scumbag.
Please want more for yourself.

Pack up all his shit and leave it outside.
Tell him to collect it before it gets blown away or soaking wet.
Then block him.
BLOCK ON EVERYTHING.
All platforms.
Stop engaging.
Stop listening to his bullshit.
THIS IS WHO HE IS.
Actions. Not words.

Do some work on yourself.
Ask yourself why you took him back last time?
Why are you so easily talked around?
Work on all of that before getting into any other relationships.
Reach out now to family and friends.
Tell everyone.
Make this real.
If he calls, do not answer.
Good luck OP.

His mum is right, you deserve so much better than this. It's so hard when they do the whole love bombing thing but the thing you need to remember is that the main thing is actions, no words. He can sit there and say he loves you, he needs you, you're the best thing that ever happened to him etc etc but the fact is, his actions are telling you how much he really values you. He's been in bed with his ex, cheating on you - you were even amazing enough to forgive him and give him another chance and he's done this to you again. He doesn't respect you or care about your feelings.

You're 23, you have your whole life ahead of you. Get rid of him and I promise you a year from now (probably less than that to be honest) you'll look back and thank god you got rid of him when you did x

Your messages are honestly getting me through today, he has just text his mum to say we aren’t together and to cancel the holiday (we had a family holiday booked) he hasn’t replied to my message from yesterday, part of me is glad he realises we are done, but also can’t believe I mean so little to him

Agree, his mum is right; you deserve better. It will hurt right now but in the long term is it absolutely for the best. His actions are all about him, his own weaknesses and shortcomings. None of this is about you.

I’ve heard from him, he’s said he’s sorry for his actions and wants to be civil, he will be moving out, I’ve said he has 3 weeks to clear all of his stuff and in that time he must tell me before he comes and goes so I can be out the house, staying strong but I’m on the edge of losing my head :(

You can do so much better than this OP! Keep strong! He is not the man you need in your life. You’re better than this.

No one is unlovable. Work on your self esteem if you think at 23 this is the best you can do.

The love bombing and the sorrys are all manipulation. It means nothing. Look at his actions not his words.

Absolutely right thing to do, get him out of your home and block him on all sides.

can’t help but feel like I have to do anything for his happiness

It might be worth exploring this a bit further to see if you can work out why you put someone else, especially someone so have proved to be so untrustworthy, about your own needs.

He has had enough chances.

I would give him the elbow and write yourself a list of reasons why, then look at the list when the love bombing starts... I suggest top of the list is that he sleeps with his ex then pesters you to take him back...

So far this time he hasn’t asked for me back, he seems pretty set on his decisions which is bitter sweet. My mum is organising me a counsellor through her work, I think she’s worried the emotional abuse I’ve had will make me unable to have another healthy relationship ( she hasn’t said this but I know what she’s thinking ) it’s been a rough few years, just hoping I can be happy again and stay strong.

Going to have a bath and watch some Netflix tonight and try and relax. Doesn’t help I don’t really like being home alone at night, so my sleep is already interupted then when I wake up i feel so sad again.

It does get easier doesn’t it?

It does get easier OP.
We can all promise you that.
It will take some time though.
Don't expect to wake up tomorrow and be over this.
It just doesn't work like that.
Why don't you like being alone at night?
Are you not happy in your own company?
Do you not like your own space?
You need to work on that if not!

You say 'I think she’s worried the emotional abuse I’ve had will make me unable to have another healthy relationship'
Is this emotional abuse from this relationship?
Or previous ones?
Or your upbringing?
Either way, please do contact Womens Aid.
Ask about their Freedom Programme.
Attend in person if you can.
It helps with you boundaries, self esteem, spotting red flags, being assertive, etc.....

I think it's something you will get huge benefits from.

Do some work on YOU!!!
Do not get involved with anyone else until you are happy in your own skin.

Take your mum up on the counselling as well.

I'm glad he isn't pushing to come back.
He is doing you a massive favour.
Now enjoy being young.

It definitely does get easier yes OP and some short term pain and upheaval is a million times better than your future would be with a partner you can't trust. It will be tough at times but if you go back you will only have to start this process all over again the next time he betrays you, and he will do it again, you know that now. Stay strong and resolute, lean on your family and friends, and us on here if it helps but don't cave in and sign yourself up for more heartache, you deserve better than that

My mum thinks this relationship was emotionally abusive, he would often talk to be very badly call me a C*NT and I never talk like that and I told him I didn’t like it and he found it funny. He would say things that were nasty and then laugh and say he was only joking etc and if I got really upset he would either get annoyed or go over the top I’m so sorry etc.

I always was on eggshells and worried about tripping off a mood from him as they often lasted days on end.

I don’t mind my own company, I’m just scared of being home alone in case of break ins etc, I live in a nice area but still freaks me out! Always been the same.

@Hidingtonothing thanks so much for your kind words, it really helps to know I can get through this x

I always was on eggshells and worried about tripping off a mood from him as they often lasted days on end

Oh wow god yes you were 100% in an abusive relationship. And it's highly likely that at some point he probably will try to lovebomb you again and beg for another chance. You are doing really well, if you feel yourself start to waver then come back and read some of your above posts. Sounds like your mum is a great support and I think counselling will definitely help you too.

Have a look at the book 'Why does he do that' too and I think you'll recognise a lot of the stuff that it talks about. Stay strong x

Thankyou @chocolateteaandpinkgin

I still am in the stages of thinking he isn’t that bad at points and that im over reacting and just wishing him back and it’s only been 1 night. Tonight is going to be really hard knowing he is sitting down for dinner and tv etc with her and not me, and I’m sat all alone.

I hope I can stay strong , I know we can’t go back this time as he has proved to me he will never respect me

I'm glad he hasn't asked for you back because you deserve so much better. He honestly doesn't deserve you.

Some time soon, you're going to be over him and you'll be happy, single and free.

@rleom I really hope so, I just know it’s going to be a tough few months, having to sort our home out etc, I just hope he leaves me alone, because I know if he love bombs me I find it hard to say no because it takes the pain away.

Honestly OP, do not torture yourself thinking things are great between them. She just moved a man back in, who cheats and calls his partner a c**t. If anyone treated my daughters like that I would be horrified and your mum is probably glad her precious girl is out of this joyless mess. Yes, every day you will feel a little bit better...but just ride out a rough few weeks, while tenancy etc is being sorted. Summer is coming and you will smile again!!!!!!

Yeah I know you’re right, it’s just gut wrenching at the moment. I’m just hoping he doesn’t suddenly start making things difficult!

Thankyou, I really really hope so x

Be kind to yourself and reach out to your friends, it is hard op at any age, but us old battle axes are cheering you on, to go live a happy carefree life. Nobody deserves this, but at 23 the world has so much to offer you. Screw this guy!!

but also can’t believe I mean so little to him.
Don't set your value by his others treat you; decent people will treat you decently, not decent people will not ....

He sounds like a fkg mess, he's a depressive, self pitying , alcohol dependent divorced/separated bloke who left his marriage and family, created a broken home for his kids (or was chucked out, why would that gave been hmm) ... And hd then can't even move on to a nice young woman with a good job without subjecting her the the same shit and even cheating on her! He and his ex can't be together but still "have to" shag each other, cheating on others in the process. They sound like a dysfunctional cluster fuck mess and pity their poor kids. They've been introduced to you and started to build a relationship and now he's fucked that up too.ots of stability he's offering them eh.

So why would you judge your value by the behaviour of a fucked up disaster area like him.

You're far too young to gave been dealing with this shit, you should be enjoying yourself, with no ties and a nice boyfriend.

*how others treat you

I find it hard to say no because it takes the pain away.

The pain will fade.

If you get involved with him again, it'll just prolong the pain.

FFS you're an obviously sensible, kind, stable young woman with a good job and the world is your oyster; this relationship and situation is beneath you. Don't waste any more of your time and emotion on a washed up, alcohol dependent divorce who can't make a success of his marriage but can't stop the illicit shags with his ex either : they have a really dysfunctional dynamic by the sounds of it, use them as an example of the type of relationship and marriage not to get into or stay in.

Could you do a year out or secondment or similar with your job? What about taking a year out and doing VSO? Is there anywhere you want to see?

A change of scene and planning it could give you something good to focus on.

This is a great age to do something like that, before you have mortgage, kids etc.