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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Break ups and cheating

129 replies

youngandconfused99 · 10/02/2020 00:19

Hi everyone -

Long story tried to make short

Been with DP 3 years, he has two children, and is older than me (23/30) in those 3 years we have moved into a lovely rented house, we have a very stable relationship with the DC, and very close with both families etc.

DP is a drinker, depressive, woe is me - I’ve had issues in childhood which I now think has made me want to fix people etc. He is lovely and amazing but when in a mood rude and cold.

3 months ago I left him as found out he had slept with children’s mum. He love bombed me and I ended up believing he would change and we could work things out. Was perfect for 6 weeks.

This weekend he’s been really cold and snappy, and tonight he has gone and I’ve just found his car parked out side DC house.

I am finished , I know I will not put myself through this again.

But I’m scared about the upcoming love bomb, because I’m sure tomorrow he will say it was a mistake etc, and he won’t want to move out etc etc

Just looking for advice on staying strong , because even will all the shit he’s done, I can’t help but feel like I have to do anything for his happiness

OP posts:
notthemum · 11/02/2020 16:03

Well done OP. You are doing great so far. 🍷🍫💐 For you

YasssKween · 11/02/2020 16:45

God you sound like a fucking catch of a 23 year old my love and you're handling this like a boss. Good on you.

My mum said years ago "one day you won't remember their last name" and it's so true. Some of the people who break our hearts do us THE biggest favour in the long run!

You are NOT being cruel. You've been betrayed and let down by someone you were so unbelievably kind to that they didn't respect you. Think what a cunt (their favourite word) that person must be - to be so cruel to someone who is so kind to them. You know you have done nothing to deserve that treatment.

Really pleased you're being so level headed about this, it's impressive and refreshing Thanks

GilbertMarkham · 11/02/2020 16:56

"I know it is so stupid, but I feel like I’m taking the life away from he that he “wants” ..."

But he doesn't want it, for reasons best known to himself (perhaps because he's a f*ck-up, who knows?) ... If he really wanted it, he'd be a decent, faithful partner to you and build a life with you - at the very least he'd stop drinking too much etc. but on top off that he's been shagging his ex, he sounds like he doesn't have a clue what he wants (other than whatever compulsion/urge strikes him at a particular time; drink, sex).

When you want something, including a good relationship, its not up to someone else to give it to you,bits up to you to achieve it yourself by contributing equally and fairly, he's not done anything approaching that.

GilbertMarkham · 11/02/2020 17:00

Also you can really see the self pitying thing you mentioned in his talk of "growing old alone" - what a turn off.

It's cringe and that's without even considering he's the one who's mistreated you and behaved v shittily, which is why he's in this position (alongside however he fked up his marriage). Doesn't sound like he's even said a word indicating he appreciates the pain he's put you through (and still is).

Hopingtobeamum · 11/02/2020 17:31

@youngandconfused99 hope you're ok. Just being practical here, does your ex have keys to the house still?
Is there anything of value in there?
Just be mindful some people 'change' and can be unpredictable. You may want to consider this.

Original poster
youngandconfused99 · 11/02/2020 20:58

Hi everyone,

Went to visit my friend after work to have a good chat. When I got home I called my mum to do the walk round the house check, as I am nervous being home alone especially when it’s dark - i didn’t think he had been here, until I notice a picture of us I put away had re appeared up - so I knew he had done that. It caught me off guard, but I’m not going to text him about it as then he will no I noticed.

I’ve told my mum if he does anything like it again, I will just move back home immediately.

My sister came over and spent the evening with me so I haven’t had a chance to feel too sad etc.

I have my Nans funeral tomorrow, so just not a great week :(

OP posts:
Weenurse · 12/02/2020 07:28

So sorry about your Nan 💐

Original poster
youngandconfused99 · 12/02/2020 08:19

@weenurse Thankyou xx

Feeling abit stronger today - but going to be a tough one x

OP posts:
Original poster
youngandconfused99 · 12/02/2020 10:16

He’s text me today and asked if he can stay on the sofa... not sure why he isn’t staying at hers tonight. I’ve said fine I’ll stay out (I can’t really say no as he pays half the rent)

Do wonder why he isn’t staying at hers tonight but not going to ask!

Gonna go and pack a bag after the funeral before I go back to work and then stay at my mums for the night

OP posts:
suggestionsplease1 · 12/02/2020 11:28

Sorry to heear about your Nan.

I think you're doing the right thing trying to not be in the flat at the same time as him. It would probably help to set the terms going forward for living arrangements.

When I split with my long term ex (both women, OW situation too) there were a couple of days like this - where she wanted to stay and I purposefully took myself elsewhere, but very quickly I realised I couldn't continue with that sort of uncertainty and had to take charge. My well-being was being badly affected by it. I said I wasn't prepared for her to stay over any more and said that she could stop making mortgage and bill contributions and should just stay away from that point onwards. Fortunately I was in a position to cover these, so that worked in our situation.

I think it would help you to come with a similar plan of action with clear boundaries. If you bring this up and set the terms it is also a way of strengthening your resolve and taking control of the situation. Your brain swaps from 'this is being done to me' to 'I am going to take charge now'.

If one of you can't take over the rent alone then you could contact your landlord about the situation and hope for some understanding about coming out of the lease early - they are quite often understanding in these situations.

YasssKween · 12/02/2020 12:14

So sorry about your nan, I hope you're ok today.

I agree with PP definitely talk to your landlord, it's worth a shot and sometimes it's worth them organising a short term change in terms if you're a reliable good tenant rather than them finding a new one or risking a flaky tenant moving in.

Thanks
SlippersAndThePaper · 12/02/2020 12:39

Sorry about your Nan.

Is he likely to be there when you return from your Mum’s? I’m just wondering if he’s going to try and see you and persuade you to let him stay, promise to change etc.

Original poster
youngandconfused99 · 12/02/2020 13:48

Hi everyone,

So far not once has he tried to like say sorry or that he loves me etc, So I’m hoping that means he doesn’t want me back either

I will text him tomorrow and make sure he isn’t going to be there tomorrow , but I’ve packed enough for two nights just in case he tries, luckily I work close to work so can go and get my things during the day if needed

I don’t want to see him as I know all my feelings will flood, and so far I am feeling quite okay, I have really sad moments but all in all I’m staying strong

Just hoping he settles into starting his new life and I can do mine

OP posts:
Original poster
youngandconfused99 · 12/02/2020 15:33

Have abit of a wobble, just feeling really sad and want a cuddle from him, haven’t acted on this feeling by texting etc, just want to cry :(

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 12/02/2020 15:39

Just think of his arms around the OW and then think.... Do you really want them around you now????
Get the 'ick factor' sorted out by thinking like this and then you will have more resolve.
You are doing great.
We all have wobbles!

Interestedwoman · 12/02/2020 15:51

Well done @youngandconfused99 xxxxx

Original poster
youngandconfused99 · 13/02/2020 07:38

He stayed at the house yesterday, I haven’t heard anything from him since lunch time yesterday , suppose that’s a good step

OP posts:
Original poster
youngandconfused99 · 13/02/2020 19:58

Keep having massive wobbles of missing him and wanting to text, but he hasn’t once text me like that, just feel really emotional and lonely

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 13/02/2020 20:14

So his relationship with ex isn't stable enough or good enough for him to stay there even a few nights, and he's fucked up his relationship with you cheating with her (as well as his drinking etc.) ... He really is a disaster area, isn't he.

His drinking is probably one of the reasons she doesn't want him around on any steady basis, it would be shit for anyone trying to go about their daily life but especially with kids in the picture.

Luv, she doesn't want him (fk knows why she's shagged him a few times) and can't live with him; why should he be your booby prize? If he was capable if decent behaviour he'd probably still be with her. She must think she can't live with him or have him around full-time but hasn't detached enough or wised up enough to stop shagging him every now and then.(maybe she got nasty satisfaction in proving he'd still shag her even with his new, young gf at home, who knows).

He's a mess, washed up, not good relationship material and you can and will do better. You are sooo young.

Have you had a chance to look into ant new hobbies/activities/groups to get out and keep yourself occupied?

GilbertMarkham · 13/02/2020 20:16

You're also very very early days in the breakup and will naturally have ups and downs, wobbles etc.

GilbertMarkham · 13/02/2020 20:17

Also sorry about your Nan Flowers.

GilbertMarkham · 13/02/2020 20:20

Also look up oxytocin - some of this is due to that, it's just chemical/hormonal because you've been in an intimate relationship with him.

You can attach to another guy in the same way when the time is right.

Tvquizhelp · 13/02/2020 23:00

Come on op, stay strong.

RUSU92 · 13/02/2020 23:04

You poor thing. Hope you don't get suckered back in by this sexually incontinent twat.

There's a No Contact thread on here somewhere, which helped me a bit when I was in your position. However, some of the posters on there have been there a while, so it was a bit cliquey!

The main thing that got me through was watching Crazy Ex Girlfriend on Netflix Grin Distract yourself with something daft and keep your mind off him until you can move on.

SandyY2K · 13/02/2020 23:16

You're way too good for him. You also don't need to settle for the baggage of 2 kids and an Ex at your age.

Apart from being with him and taking him back after cheating...you've made all the right moves.

When you love and hold yourself in high regard, people can't mess you around like this, as they're kicked to the kerb as soon as they do.