Break ups and cheating

[youngandconfused99]

Hi everyone -

Long story tried to make short

Been with DP 3 years, he has two children, and is older than me (23/30) in those 3 years we have moved into a lovely rented house, we have a very stable relationship with the DC, and very close with both families etc.

DP is a drinker, depressive, woe is me - I’ve had issues in childhood which I now think has made me want to fix people etc. He is lovely and amazing but when in a mood rude and cold.

3 months ago I left him as found out he had slept with children’s mum. He love bombed me and I ended up believing he would change and we could work things out. Was perfect for 6 weeks.

This weekend he’s been really cold and snappy, and tonight he has gone and I’ve just found his car parked out side DC house.

I am finished , I know I will not put myself through this again.

But I’m scared about the upcoming love bomb, because I’m sure tomorrow he will say it was a mistake etc, and he won’t want to move out etc etc

Just looking for advice on staying strong , because even will all the shit he’s done, I can’t help but feel like I have to do anything for his happiness

Hey everyone Thankyou for all your responses they’ve really helped!!

So finally heard from him today.. he’s basically said he didn’t mean to hurt me and wishes I could forgive him, but he will be staying in the house as he doesn’t have anywhere else to go...

I’ve said I’ll get my stuff and move out, there’s no going back as the same thing always happens, and I’m not doing it again

Feel abit defeated saying it as obviously part of me still loves him and misses him, but I know it’s the right thing to do, wish that makes it a lot easier - especially with it being Valentine’s Day

@youngandconfused99...
So far not once has he tried to like say sorry or that he loves me etc, So I’m hoping that means he doesn’t want me back either. ... Just hoping he settles into starting his new life and I can do mine.

Stop hoping that HE will be the one to end it!

You are the mistress of your own destiny. Once you've made the decision, both practically and in your head, you'll feel so much stronger.

And do read CODEPENDENT NO MORE. It'll help you understand why you feel passive and give you the tools to deal with relationships in a healthy way.

You have done something so difficult but so brave

I talk from experience when I say emotionally you don’t need him or anyone.

Build yourself so strong that you are reliant on yourself and don’t need a man

You can PM me anytime

Take each day as it comes. They’re will be times when you want him back.
Make a list of all the shitty things he has done and said and refer back to it.

He’s been texting asking for another chance this morning, I’ve said no, it’s toxic for all of us and if I’m the one who has to put my foot down then I suppose it’s all on me!

I know I’ll break down later, but it had to be said, just can’t believe it’s always all down to me when I’ve done nothing wrong!!

How manipulative that he's waited to say this until Valentines Day - he's had all week to beg, but he's been with his ex!

Stay strong OP, you're doing really well xxx

He’s back at our house now, has been since Thursday night, I’ve been staying at families since then!

I just can’t believe he really can say he loves me after everything! Just trying to remember that there is someone out there that will show me real love and respect and I don’t need to settle for less xx

Hi @youngandconfused99 so sorry to hear what your going through. I’m a fellow people pleaser in a similar position and it’s so hard not still trying to please them and trying to put yourself first

@sadolmeee I know I wish I could be more selfish, it’s so tough, I’m glad I’m not the only one xx

@youngandconfused99 I’m over 3 months down the line now and he’s still sending mixed signals. I honestly don’t think he knows what he wants and unfortunately part of me is still sat here thinking “come back! Pick me!”
I need to find my self respect!

Just feel glad that he's sitting down with her and she'll be dealing with his moods and shit going forwards.

Onwards and upwards to your great new life with someone who respects and deserves you.

You're 23, please see the counsellor and get help to understand you're worth so much more than he's giving you. X

I’ve just been to the house and got my clothes etc, enough so I don’t need anything for a while, so at least he will get the hint that I’ve taken my stuff and he can move on!

Just feel really weird, part of me is so confused and lost, another is just sure this is right!!

I hate all of this upset, that I know I haven’t caused but also feel responsible for.

Thankyou so much for all your support xx

@Sadolmeee did you live with your ex? I know it’s like you want them to leave you alone, but also it hurts when they do x

Hi everyone, just an update, still staying with family. Heard from him a couple of times but nothing crazy, had a couple of wobbles today, but staying strong x

Hksd tyo hear you are staying strong.

Be strong as a Grey Rock. Look it up if this concept is unfamiliar to you

Glad to hear...!

Feeling really weird today... nothing has changed, but I’ve woken up feeling like , why am I putting myself through this? It’s like my brain has forgotten all the bad, and it’s just like, why are you leaving the person you love??

I know it’s stupid, but I’ve never felt this part before

We grow up through the pain and hard times. This is an experience that will form how you live in your future - get through this, let yourself grieve, and you'll be a stronger person. Give in to your "needy" self, and you will have reinforced in yourself the message that you can't live without a man, any man, that you're not worth real love, that you will put up with anything rather than feel unconnected to a man.

You're doing great. It's bloody hard - but this will pass, you deserve so much more.

@BuckingFrolics Thankyou I really needed to read that! I do need to rebuild my own confidence enough to realise I can be alone and be happy

What are your long term plans for your housing situation OP? If you are not staying there and he is please make sure you advise him will come off all the bills as it is not fair for you to be paying for something you are not benefitting from. He can get the single person discount on council tax.

If he can not afford this please do speak to your landlord about terminating lease earlier.

It will help you to take charge in the situation. This does mean being unfair to him, it means being fair to yourself and taking steps to move on.

Stay strong and don't settle for a life mired in deceit and being hurt time and time again. You need to love him less and love yourself more.

...does not mean being unfair to him!

I am moving back home I think! He can afford it on his own if he can budget, so that’s down to him.
I’m going to contact our landlord at the end of the month to give my months notice and he can take my name off he tenancy!

Just feel abit lost in it all, my first breakup that involves a home x

Focus initially on detaching physically, and emotional detachment will follow. Not only that, you'll be so busy you won't have time to pine and wallow. So start by moving out properly, deal with all the boring tenancy stuff, find a place of your own and build your own nest.

Believe in yourself and you will THRIVE !!

Yeah I’m at my sisters now just relaxing, think once I’m back at work it’s easier as it keeps me busy! Just going to hope for a better week than last

One last suggestion: Theres an awful lot of hoping in your posts... Can you hope a little less and instead work on what might help you move forward?

Hope is passive and gives power to others. You want to be in charge of your own destiny!

Why are you putting yourself through this?

Because you deserve better.

He was obviously under the impression after the first time that you weren't serious about your ultimatum. The fact that he did it again proves that he never took you seriously. Show him he was wrong not to, then forget him and move on.

You deserve someone who won't trample all over your heart and will actually treat you with respect. However, you need to prove that you respect yourself first.

If being part of a solid couple is what you want, you need to make space in your life to welcome it. Make that space by getting rid of all of him and his shit load of toxic clutter!

Yeah you’re right! Start taking charge, and showing myself that I matter too!

Going to start running after work, try and keep my mind busy in a healthy way!