I left my marriage for him - he didn’t return the favour

[Ladywit]

Two years ago, I met a married man whilst I was also married. It had been a long and unhappy marriage for me and this man offered everything I had been longing and hoping to find in life before it was too late.
Although I was very cautious when I met him and didn’t sleep with him until a year after meeting, he broke down my defences completely. Meeting him put my already troubled marriage on a downward spiral and, egged on by this man in whom I found both a lover and a friend, I filed for divorce last year. He also claimed to be stuck in a very unhappy marriage, made promises and constantly referred to our future together. Although I told myself that he’s merely played the role of a catalyst, deep down I know I left the marriage to make a legitimate place for him in my life.
With the breakdown of the marriage came many challenges, most of all financial as my ex managed to transfer everything to offshore accounts and I have been struggling with single motherhood and a full time job. But I was still relieved to have taken this step and it seemed to me that I had found true love in the process.
However, when I pressed for him to take similar measures and make it possible for us to embark on the future HE had spoken about since the beginning, he didn’t seem to be able to follow through. After seven months of penduluming, during which he asked his wife for a trial separation, went back, we broke up, came back and asked me to go away on a weekend with him, assuring me that he had decided he wanted to be with me, left me again and went on an anniversary holiday with her (which completely devastated me), so on and so forth until finally the painful cycle ended a couple of weeks ago.
I’m weeping as I write this and hurting so deeply. I had to deal with all this uncertainty and emotional trauma while having to deal with the aftermath of the divorce and everything else. It has left me broken and questioning everything. I’m also feeling an immense amount of rage and wondering how it could be that I was hoodwinked by someone I considered the love of my life.
While it is true that we were both married when we met, I didn’t sleep with him until I had decided I was going to leave my marriage, and had taken steps towards it. Perhaps I should have demanded the same of him? I just was so certain it was only a matter of time before he would do that as he was always the one talking about us getting married. I suppose I trusted him.
The penduluming has also confused me, I know he felt genuinely conflicted about breaking his family unit but I feel furious about how he went about with it and prolonged the pain and confusion for me. It feels like he was struggling and trying to wean himself off me. Even during our last conversation he implied he was going to extricate himself from his marriage and come find me, whilst also saying that he would not be able to live with himself if he didn’t give it one last shot because his wife was trying her best.
But you see, the thing is, that poor woman has no idea about me and the last two years.
In my moments of anger, I feel I ought to tell her so that she at least knows what she’s dealing with and bending over backwards for. I feel he’s gotten away scot-free after destroying my life and is enjoying being wooed back by his wife on top of it all. It feels massively unfair both to me and her and I feel certain he will repeat what he did to me with another woman.
In other words, I feel affronted and my sense of justice demands that he be punished in some way.
I’m aware that this is a very basic, primal feeling and I want to know if I should act on it. It just seems unfair that he’s able to saunter back into playing the role of a doting family man after deceiving both me and his wife.
The anger and hurt I feel have paralysed me and I’m struggling to get on with life. I’m 40, educated and attractive but I feel broken, my marriage to a narcissist had already harmed me and I feel cheated that the man I fell so in love with and thought was my redemption and the balm for my wounds chose to play with me and hurt me so profoundly. Did he ever love me at all? What did he gain from this? Why does a part of me still hope he’s going to come back? I know I can never trust him so should I tell the wife and get some closure?
Please respond from a kind place x

@Ladywit - should that be Lady twit?

I’m 40, educated and attractive

You don't sound very smart to me and certainly aren't attractive on the inside that's for sure

It really is not black and white.

But it is. The op also made promises to HER husband. She broke them to him. It's very much black and white that she shouldn't have gone off and shagged someone else. Even if she was single, she should have found an unmarried man.

Are you a previous OW by any chance?

@P999

Yes, you're right. She needs to put her children first and hopefully will learn from her mistake. Also agree that it doesn't look very good she hasn't come back to the thread.

@SoupDragon

Irrelevant, yes. In the same way you're taking my sentences out of the context.

@Cyberve

I'm not, thanks for asking. I guess my whole point is that when I see someone who's really low I don't have the tendency to kick them even lower.

No, life is not black and white I'm afraid. If it was then we as a human society would be happy with the Ten Commandments. If life was black and white then law wouldn't be such a vast area that keeps on expanding. And do you know why law behaves in this way?

Because humans are humans.

This is my last post on this thread.

@AlrightThen

In all honesty I would guess that op is only sad because she hasn't got her own way and the man she wanted doesn't actually want her. She only cares about herself, no one else. I can't have sympathy for someone like that. You can all you want, that's your choice. But I have no sympathy for someone who puts her own pleasure above that of everyone else including her children.

OP you took a gamble on someone you were infatuated with and lost.

Lots of people use false words, especially men if they want sex on tap on the side

It really is not black and white

It really is. When you take your vows you should mean them. The OP could have left if she had been unhappy for years as she claimed.

She didn’t need to have an affair, it’s not a mistake as it a conscious decision and the outcomes are rarely good. Lots of innocent people get hurt because of the wants of others.

Anyway OP it's time to start thinking of yourself, because neither of these men will.

You need to become stronger and not get into a drippy yearning state again. Also respect boundaries.

@Mylifestartstoday I really hope that there are people here who understand the agony, makes you feel less alone.

Just remember: suicidal people don't want to die, they just want the pain to stop.

My advice to you, is take one day at a time. If that if too much, half a day. If that is too much, an hour.

That is how you get through it. Just endure the pain, and try not to run away from it.

A wonderful quote from Bob Marley: "you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"

Choose strong @Mylife. It won't always be like this. You will see that life is beautiful. Although it is unimaginable right now, life is still beautiful. Tell your children you love them and you will all get through this together.

@FritzDonovan "I also find it hard to believe that many ppl here would prefer to remain in the dark if their partner had an affair, so why encourage OP to not tell the wife the truth? "

this is a really interesting one. Because it is the one thing where (as OP shows) the betrayer doesn't MEAN to cause pain (they were just thinking of themselves) but the REALITY is literally annihilating.

I remember strongly a time (towards the end of the affair) where he was trying to tell me he was trapped in deceit. Strangely, he did try to talk to me all the way though (albeit highly selfish)

Had he ended it at that time? He would have got away with it. I did not know, and would have been happy to have my husband back.

But he didn't, he got caught and the annihilation took over everything. So when you know and the innocence is dropped? The annihilation means everything is destroyed.

So that is why I advise not to tell IF THE AFFAIR IS OVER. Divorce is so much loss, so much.

@ScreamingLadySutch I understand that completely. However, throughout the last few years I've been through a lot, and also discussed the experience with many ppl as well as reading the experiences of many more, and it is common that unless and until the A is out in the open, that kind of disrespect will continue. And finding out later down the line, after many years of such behaviour, you feel even more of a fool, whereas the issue could have been forced much earlier, and you'd know what you were dealing with.

You're right though. The knowledge is immensely destructive.

You are not the victim here and you need to take responsibility for your actions.
To me you are trying to rewrite history to blame everyone but your self.
You cheated on your DH, you want us to believe it was because he was an awful person, but if that were true why didn't you just leave?
Poor you, you were vulnerable and a nasty man forced you to jump into bed with him, you obviously feel you had no say in the matter.
And to sum up a liar and cheat is upset because another liar and cheat, lied and cheated on her.
Sorry your actions were awful and you now want to destroy more (actual) lives, but yes I am sure that is someone elses fault too.

Just one other thing on telling the wife. I do think she has a right to know, but you don't know her , what her situation is and how their marriage is , you dont know how it will effect her or the children. Not knowing these things, by telling her you could do more harm than good, I dont know - but it well could be the case. Saying that I doubt this has anything to do with the wife and just about hurting him so why pretend.
I also assume in this spirit of honesty, you will also be letting your Exh know you were shagging some one else whilst you both married.

OP, my situation is very similar, but I am a year ahead of you.

You now have two relationships to get over. Get a calendar, and mark out the one year point. That is how long it will take you to feel any kind of happiness again. I wish someone had told me that, so I was more patient with myself. Your karma is that you will cry every day for most of a year, and wake up feeling like you just had the most terrible nightmare, before realising it is your life, constructed by all of your own decisions. Confide in a close friend, get support, you are going to need it to pull through. Spend quality time with your child, they grow up so fast.

Start painting classes, photography, yoga, do anything that is just for you to start rebuilding who you are, as right now you don't really know. And in this year, do not see anyone else, you are not ready. You are attractive and will get further offers of eternal happiness. Say no, rebuild yourself, focus on your diet and fitness, more offers will come when the timing is right. Trust me, that over time, you will see it positively as an exit from your unhappy marriage and exciting when that second chance does come around. Spend all your energy on yourself, it will make you stronger as you begin to value yourself once again. You will develop healthier boundaries, and very importantly you will learn to source happiness from places other than a man. I didn't think I needed to do any of this stuff, but it's the right path to healing and becoming a better, stronger person in the future. You'll never want a married man again.

I wouldn't bother telling her, he will never forgive you, and she will not leave him, not if she is also in her 40's with children and if he provides her with a comfortable lifestyle. She will fear harming her family, and her loss of social status. In my case the wife already knew, and it wasn't the first time, he got caught using paid services some years ago (one reason why their marriage was stuffed, and why I wasn't too wracked with guilt). After he left, she felt her life was ruined and hated being alone so much that when he came back, hysterical bonding kicked in, and she loved him more than ever before. I too felt he got off scot free. Cheaters and narcs are good at identifying weak, naiive women like us. But the nightmares I wrote about above, you will just give them to her as well, and you need to see that she is actually the victim in all of this.

I know how it felt, they way he looked at you, the perfect chemistry, what he said, it was all so emotional and real, and he was probably a black and white kind of guy that you could totally trust. In my case we were in the happiest bubble, even living together, before I was dumped by text message out of the blue while at work one day (classic discard). He went back to his wife, but it wasn't me vs the wife, it was me vs the family. A battle rarely won, and as painful as it is, this is usually the right outcome. Maybe your situation is similar. Rest assured he will never forget you. He will miss you, wonder what life would have been like if he had chosen you, and keep the memories of the time he spent with you. But everything is as it should be now, you have to let go, and find the strength to rise above. Do it gracefully, and be proud of yourself for that.

Still today I am not over the love of my life. I struggle to accept that it wasn't real, and that I never got a proper chance to show him a life with me. I loved him far more than she did, but their history was worth more. Hopefully over time, the memories will fade. But I am at peace now, if that makes sense. You will be too.

@Lovestoned - I think your post will help the OP, it shows that these situations really aren’t black and white. Everyone makes mistakes in life, some bigger than others. Nobody is perfect and I don’t see what is achieved by some posters being so hostile. This post gives constructive advice.

OP what posessed you to post this on mumsnet - home of the wife and mother ?
Yes he is a cheating rat, but so are most of the population if given the opportunity.

'the OP was happy enough to justify the pain caused to his wife by both her and the husband when she thought she was getting what she wanted from it.

Now she’s in pain herself, his actions are suddenly beyond the pale and ’that poor woman’ needs to know what he’s really like.'

I do think this gets to the heart of it and is why people are not responding well to the OP. If things had gone the other way she'd likely be floating in bliss, as infatuated as she sounds.

I do think AlrightThen's long post gives some sound advice which doesn't flinch from naming OP's fault and responsibility but it still done compassionately.

You made the wine. Now drink a cup.

If I were his wife, I would want to know so that I could make clear-eyed choices.

I'm sure that you will get some pleasure from telling her which is an unfortunate by-product of doing what I think is right in this situation as I don't think you deserve any more satisfaction from this situation than he does.

I'm sorry you're hurt but you've not really been wronged; you're just reaping the consequences of wronging other people.

When a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy.

You now have two relationships to get over. Get a calendar, and mark out the one year point. That is how long it will take you to feel any kind of happiness again. I wish someone had told me that, so I was more patient with myself. Your karma is that you will cry every day for most of a year, and wake up feeling like you just had the most terrible nightmare, before realising it is your life, constructed by all of your own decisions

It is commonly held from ppl having been through the experience, that it takes 2-5 years to recover from infidelity (of your partner). If your karma is that you cry every day for a year, I think you've got off easily.

Sorry, but having been on the receiving end, I find it hard to sympathise with a cheat.

I'm sorry things ended like this for you, you're in a much better position now though in terms of your ability to create a loving happy home for you and your child, probably doesn't seem like that right now, but in a couple weeks when you're used to everything again, i'm sure it'll start to look brighter.

I'd also wait a week or two before telling his wife because then that it the absolute end of you and this man, it's an aggressive way to sever that tie but I do think his wife deserves to know so she can make an educated decision about how she wants to go forward, she might even already know, this might of happened before, you're never really gonna know but he chose her over you by going back to her so many times, it's a clear choice that you're not first in his life so why waste any more love on him?

@NekoShiro it is so nice to see a kinder response, and one that will actually be helpful to the OP. 🙌🏻

Lady you have received lots of replies about all of this ... some inevitably kinder than others.

The main thing for me that stands out from you OP is this:
destroying my life. He didnt destroy your life Im sorry. Looking at this dispassionatley it was you who married a Narc, it was you who stayed despite being unhappy, having children multiple times with this man (not blaming just laying it out - all before you met OM). It was you who developed feeling for this man, who believed what he told you (rightly or worngly - again just another statement).

It was also you who ended your marriage presumably without all the financial information that would have allowed you a fair claim on your DH finances. It was you who then expected him to step up - and when he didnt, its you who think he has destroyed your life.

Honestly I think you are cross / upset / let down because in part of this you havent acknowledged your own mistakes. You havent acknowledged that you have made some terrible choices . The destruction is majoritivly a consequence of this. All of the above would have happened even if he had left his wife.

The only difference would be you would have him. So all that "destruction" would still exist - lack of funds/ upset to everyones children, his wife.... But it feels like that wouldnt bother you if you had him.

which kinds of tells me that the "destruction" doesnt both you as long as you are happy. Im sorry if this sounds harsh OP but you need to own your actions and the consequences of them.

You destroyed your own life by making shitty choices. Take responsibility. You're no better than him.