I left my marriage for him - he didn’t return the favour

[Ladywit]

Two years ago, I met a married man whilst I was also married. It had been a long and unhappy marriage for me and this man offered everything I had been longing and hoping to find in life before it was too late.
Although I was very cautious when I met him and didn’t sleep with him until a year after meeting, he broke down my defences completely. Meeting him put my already troubled marriage on a downward spiral and, egged on by this man in whom I found both a lover and a friend, I filed for divorce last year. He also claimed to be stuck in a very unhappy marriage, made promises and constantly referred to our future together. Although I told myself that he’s merely played the role of a catalyst, deep down I know I left the marriage to make a legitimate place for him in my life.
With the breakdown of the marriage came many challenges, most of all financial as my ex managed to transfer everything to offshore accounts and I have been struggling with single motherhood and a full time job. But I was still relieved to have taken this step and it seemed to me that I had found true love in the process.
However, when I pressed for him to take similar measures and make it possible for us to embark on the future HE had spoken about since the beginning, he didn’t seem to be able to follow through. After seven months of penduluming, during which he asked his wife for a trial separation, went back, we broke up, came back and asked me to go away on a weekend with him, assuring me that he had decided he wanted to be with me, left me again and went on an anniversary holiday with her (which completely devastated me), so on and so forth until finally the painful cycle ended a couple of weeks ago.
I’m weeping as I write this and hurting so deeply. I had to deal with all this uncertainty and emotional trauma while having to deal with the aftermath of the divorce and everything else. It has left me broken and questioning everything. I’m also feeling an immense amount of rage and wondering how it could be that I was hoodwinked by someone I considered the love of my life.
While it is true that we were both married when we met, I didn’t sleep with him until I had decided I was going to leave my marriage, and had taken steps towards it. Perhaps I should have demanded the same of him? I just was so certain it was only a matter of time before he would do that as he was always the one talking about us getting married. I suppose I trusted him.
The penduluming has also confused me, I know he felt genuinely conflicted about breaking his family unit but I feel furious about how he went about with it and prolonged the pain and confusion for me. It feels like he was struggling and trying to wean himself off me. Even during our last conversation he implied he was going to extricate himself from his marriage and come find me, whilst also saying that he would not be able to live with himself if he didn’t give it one last shot because his wife was trying her best.
But you see, the thing is, that poor woman has no idea about me and the last two years.
In my moments of anger, I feel I ought to tell her so that she at least knows what she’s dealing with and bending over backwards for. I feel he’s gotten away scot-free after destroying my life and is enjoying being wooed back by his wife on top of it all. It feels massively unfair both to me and her and I feel certain he will repeat what he did to me with another woman.
In other words, I feel affronted and my sense of justice demands that he be punished in some way.
I’m aware that this is a very basic, primal feeling and I want to know if I should act on it. It just seems unfair that he’s able to saunter back into playing the role of a doting family man after deceiving both me and his wife.
The anger and hurt I feel have paralysed me and I’m struggling to get on with life. I’m 40, educated and attractive but I feel broken, my marriage to a narcissist had already harmed me and I feel cheated that the man I fell so in love with and thought was my redemption and the balm for my wounds chose to play with me and hurt me so profoundly. Did he ever love me at all? What did he gain from this? Why does a part of me still hope he’s going to come back? I know I can never trust him so should I tell the wife and get some closure?
Please respond from a kind place x

It all ended with the lover 2 weeks ago, says th OP. So she's a mess and her head all over the place. OP. You can't change the past. What you can do, however, is not spin some construction of your 2 year affair as something where you are the victim. Be a better wiser person than that. My ex MIL was a homebreaker years ago. And she spent the rest of her life casting herself as the victim (ooo, it was so awful for me. Everyine was gossiping about me. Woe is me). She never gave a passing thought for the wife and children whose lives she wrecked. She is a horrendously toxic old bitch these days. Because she is so desparate to paint some image of herself as a wonderful mother matriarch figure and selfless saint. Her own children are v messed up. Her eldest son is a sociopathic cunt who plays games with her and openly humiliates her. Her youngest son is an alcoholic. She lives in a bubble of delusion. Don't be that woman who goes through life failing to acknowledge bad, selfish things they've done. You can't change the past. But you can be honest with yourself and taje responsibility. And be a better person moving forward. I understand your thirst for revenge. But ultimately he never lied about being married and had the right to change his mind. It was a risk you took and it backfired. Accept it and please don't expect people to buy in to this image you are a victim. I don't mean to be a bitch here. Just to say, be brutally honest and redeem yourself that way.

I'm afraid I have little sympathy as I have been "that wife". The way my ex-husband described me to justify his affairs was not only absolute fabrication, so was everything he said about our marriage. I now realise he was the one with the problem, not me. You've been taken in by somebody who wanted you as a bit on the side and a bit of excitement. Your motivation for telling his wife is nothing but revenge, not concern for her. I would have wanted somebody to tell me, but not the sodding OW. I hope she finds out and gets rid. She deserves better. You've got out of your unhappy marriage. My advice is to be alone for a few years and find out who you are before you embark on anything else.

Telling his wife isn't being done out of any compassion for her, it's to get him into trouble and it'd be done out of spite. Don't make her miserable because you are. You've got nothing to gain.

I think you have been naive and foolish. Your marriage was unhappy and needed to end, you didn’t need a back up man waiting in the wings. It’s perfectly ok to be single and I think you’re better off that way for the time being, focus on yourself and your DC.

This guy tricked you but you were naive to expect him to also leave his marriage and be your one and only. In all honesty, the relationship would’ve been difficult even if he did leave her to be with you because children are involved. I also think a relationship that was built on a lie is destined to fail.

This has to be a wind up.

OP I am so sorry you are hurting, and I hope with time you come out of this a stronger person.
You fell in love with someone and thought he felt the same way, so you rolled the dice to take a chance on happiness, turned out he had no balls though, so you sort of dodged a bullet really!
Whilst I don't agree it's affairs, I don't think life is black and white, it is often many shades of grey, and we all make errors of judgement at times.
So, be kind to yourself, realise you are enough, and if nothing else you extracated yourself from an unfulfilling marriage so every cloud and all that :)

Sorry to hear this happened to you I think you not only married a narcissist you then met another narcissist who would have loved every second of getting you to leave your husband for him before disappearing off into the sunset , or so he would have you believe, with his long suffering wife/victim. Now you are properly single in your forties you will find these married narcissistic types try it on with you all the time and its really tedious. A man who genuinely wanted to be with you would very quickly have ended his relationship with someone else and he wouldn't have dragged things out for months stretching into years and he wouldn't be toing and froing between two (or more?) women. I wouldn't say anything to his wife, if she wants to stay with a man who behaves that way that's her business not yours. Focus on you. Educate yourself as to what a loving relationship really looks like , how a man who genuinely loves you will treat you , and focus on loving yourself and your kids first and foremost so the next time a man who wants to use you instead of love you, and many more will try, you have the self esteem to tell them no. By all means give men a chance but as soon as they show you who they are believe them and never give anyone more than one chance with you. Narcissists do generally show their true colours pretty quickly once you know how to spot the signs. Educate yourself about narcissists too and recovery from narcissistic abuse. None of this is easy but there is a way forward and there is hope for better things and better men in your future but you have to be prepared to do the work on yourself in order to recover from the abuse you've been subjected to and to be patient. No man can save you , you have to save/ fix yourself , and then you'll be ready to truly be able to love and be loved . Anyone who comes along offering an easy, quick or too good to be true solution, like saying he'll leave his wife for you, is most likely best to be avoided like the plague , if it looks too good to be true it probably is, at least you know that now. Good luck

You didn't tell the wife when the affair was going on.

You didn't give a dam if she knew or not.

Now you think she should know?

Shame on you.

Apart from what I’ve said already I am astounded that your post starts with ‘he didn’t return the favour’

How can you be so blasé and flippant about what you have done but also what you intend to happen next if you had it your way

Have you really not only not thought about his wife but also that whatever you have done is that of a person with low morals

You got your karma- I just hope my STBXH gets his

I get that this is difficult to read for those of you who have been on the other side but I think you need to recognise that she's been badly emotionally abused by two men of course she doesn't know what a healthy relationship looks like or even probably which way is up right now, of course she needs to recover and re-educate herself about what love is supposed to look like and then she'll know you don't end a marriage to return a favour but for now please be compassionate and bear in mind she's probably just repeating what the married narcissistic scumbag said to her I can just see him saying something like you go first and then I'll return the favour ...

OP. Can I ask what was the your ex H did that makes you think he's a narcisist? He hid his cash when you were divorcing. Is he withholding money from your child/ children? Is he being a bad father? Punishing his kids to get at you? I know your marriage was a bad one. But can I ask why?

Did he ever love me at all? What did he gain from this? Why does a part of me still hope he’s going to come back? I know I can never trust him so should I tell the wife and get some closure?

My 2 cents:
Don’t tell his wife, at least not now. Not until you’ve spent a lot of time on healing yourself and figuring out what you need to change for yourself. You’ve been through a lot and most likely need to work on your issues. Including the feelings of betrayal and anger towards this man.

AFTER you’ve done all the hard work and have reached a place of peace, reassess the question of whether you should tell her. With no anger, no wanting revenge. That’s the only point at which you can make a rational decision on whether you should tell her or not, based on your own ethics.

And to answer your questions: yes I’m sure he loved you. Only a psychopath would go through what you have described without actually loving the other person. I’m sure he believed every word he was telling you, at the time. He was probably extremely conflicted, hence why he was saying one thing then doing another. Hoping he comes back is only natural. You had intense feelings for him, which I think were further intensified from the breakdown of your marriage. I think even if your marriage wasn’t great, there’s still a grieving process. Grieving for what could or should have been. Grieving for the good times. Feeling sorry for yourself that your marriage wasn’t what you hoped for.

Oh sorry I pasted an excerpt from your op just to remind myself of your specific questions. Was meant to delete it before posting

Many years ago when I was very young and foolish I had a relationship with a married man. He told me the old story of how his marriage was on the rocks, he was going to leave her, they had no connection or intimacy any more blah blah. He wanted to have children and she didn't. She wouldn't even let him hug her in public, they couldn't bear to be in the same room together, the full shebang.

He visited my place of work every three weeks and we would spend the weekend together at some posh hotel, he would shower me with gifts and tell me I was his world.

Then one weekend when I saw him. I happened to be visiting his home town for a course.
There he was, hand in hand, kissing, laughing and obviously very much in love with his wife, with his two young children by his side.

He saw me and the look of panic in his face. It crossed my mind to storm over there and tell her exactly what had been going on. But then I realised it wouldn't make what he had done to me any better. And it would destroy that woman and her children's lives.

So I smiled at him and walked away and I have never seen him again since.

You live and learn. But I think like if you told her it would be for the wrong reasons

My first husband was a narc I still seem to attract them in droves and I have met many men like this. I disagree with those who say they love their wives or even their families and that's why they stay with them it really isn't what they love is themselves, their public image and their comfortable lifestyle that's all they couldn't give a shit about other people. I know from where you're standing right now op it seems like this woman has everything and you have nothing but that's really not the case you have the opportunity to eventually find a man who genuinely loves you whereas she's the one who is stuck living out her days with a narcissist who is abusing her, however good their public image and however nice their lifestyle might be, really, who would you rather be, you, who has escaped his abuse, or her, who may never escape his abuse

If I was the wife I would want to know if my husband had been cheating. It annoys me the way married men think they can get away with it and their wives have no idea. I used to work with a man who cheated on his wife and I was tempted to tell her but I didn't. She eventually found out and divorced him and now has a new man in her life and is happy.

yes I’m sure he loved you. Only a psychopath would go through what you have described without actually loving the other person

Really? Or some sleazy married man who wanted free sex, with no strings attached, as it turns out.

OP, you cheated, and it didn't turn out how you wanted it to. Boo fucking hoo. Cheaters will justify their actions any way they can, but there's really no excuse. Take this opportunity for self development and learn to go forward with decent morals and integrity. You sound intensely selfish and indulgent (weeping as you write?) and go straight from self pity to saying his poor wife doesn't know anything about you. Well, you had plenty of time to let her know and didn't want to bother until loverboy didn't follow through on his promises. So, not like you care for the poor woman, is it? She does deserve to know, so pass on any concrete evidence you have, then butt out. And learn how to be a better person.

Take this opportunity to start being honest with yourself and to stop making excuses. You won’t be the first or last woman to fall for the bullshit of the OM. However, you knew he was married and you need to accept that ultimately that wasn’t enough to stop you.

You are upset because you didn’t have the balls enough to leave your marriage before lining up your next warm bed and now the warm bed has fallen through your pissed. He’s done you a massive favour because hopefully you will now take thus opportunity to work through your shit, instead of hiding in relationships.

Wipe the slate clean OP and heal from the breakdown of your marriage, and learn from your last mistake. Time is a great healer, anger gets you nowhere.

I'm sorry to say this, but men who cheat very very rarely leave their wives, usually they only leave if they are found out.

OP, did you wish you could leave your marriage before you had this affair? So often it’s easy to think of yourself as being in an unhappy marriage because it justifies your position, but equally affairs are often a catalyst for leaving an unhappy marriage. You need to decide which you genuinely had. If this man hadn’t come on to the scene would you still want to be married to your eXH? Because if not then the affair has had it’s upside and you can now move forward and rebuild your life as an independent woman.

I had an affair which ended my unhappy and emotionally abusive marriage. But in truth it had been like that for a while, and we had discussed splitting up and I’d thought of leaving numerous times before I had the affair. But I never had the nerve to do it.

But then I met someone and we had a ONS, and I realised that I didn’t actually have to stay, so I left. The OM had disappeared off the scene by then, but I realised that this was as close as I’d been able to come to leaving so I did. EXH found out about the affair but there were so many other reasons why I left, the affair was just the catalyst.

I went forward and rebuilt my life and did meet someone else. And ironically the OM got back in touch then to accuse me of betraying him for starting a relationship with someone else, even though he himself was in a new relationship by then. he said that he’d only been going out with her until he could have me and then he was planning to dump her. so I had a lucky escape there as well.

Emotionally I’m now in a good place, and truth be told, if I could turn back time and not meet the OM, I still would have wanted out of my marriage.

You need to take the positives from this. You’re out of an unhappy marriage and you’re free to find your own path. And this man not being in your life is also a positive. He’s strung his wife along for two years. Even if he split up with her, do you really think that would be it? Or would you be questioning every time he had to see her to see the kids etc? Wondering whether he was considering what they could have had, wondering if he was regretting leaving. Two years is a long time to try to leave a relationship and not succeed. Even if he did leave, you would still hold that doubt.

So let it go and move forward with your own life.

It sounds like your marriage was over anyway so concentrate on starting a new life.

You’ve been hurt badly by this man and he’s taken you for a fool. I wonder how many other women he has done it to. For that reason, I would somehow let his wife know. He is taking her for a ride and will probably do it to other women after you. He’s getting away with it scot-free and has destroyed your marriage totally!

His wife is probably a nice person and clueless about his activities!!

Sorry to read this op.
Just want to say don’t tell the wife. You need to move on. It will take time. Telling the wife will only further connect you to the drama you need to leave behind - completely.
Good luck.