I left my marriage for him - he didn’t return the favour

[Ladywit]

Two years ago, I met a married man whilst I was also married. It had been a long and unhappy marriage for me and this man offered everything I had been longing and hoping to find in life before it was too late.
Although I was very cautious when I met him and didn’t sleep with him until a year after meeting, he broke down my defences completely. Meeting him put my already troubled marriage on a downward spiral and, egged on by this man in whom I found both a lover and a friend, I filed for divorce last year. He also claimed to be stuck in a very unhappy marriage, made promises and constantly referred to our future together. Although I told myself that he’s merely played the role of a catalyst, deep down I know I left the marriage to make a legitimate place for him in my life.
With the breakdown of the marriage came many challenges, most of all financial as my ex managed to transfer everything to offshore accounts and I have been struggling with single motherhood and a full time job. But I was still relieved to have taken this step and it seemed to me that I had found true love in the process.
However, when I pressed for him to take similar measures and make it possible for us to embark on the future HE had spoken about since the beginning, he didn’t seem to be able to follow through. After seven months of penduluming, during which he asked his wife for a trial separation, went back, we broke up, came back and asked me to go away on a weekend with him, assuring me that he had decided he wanted to be with me, left me again and went on an anniversary holiday with her (which completely devastated me), so on and so forth until finally the painful cycle ended a couple of weeks ago.
I’m weeping as I write this and hurting so deeply. I had to deal with all this uncertainty and emotional trauma while having to deal with the aftermath of the divorce and everything else. It has left me broken and questioning everything. I’m also feeling an immense amount of rage and wondering how it could be that I was hoodwinked by someone I considered the love of my life.
While it is true that we were both married when we met, I didn’t sleep with him until I had decided I was going to leave my marriage, and had taken steps towards it. Perhaps I should have demanded the same of him? I just was so certain it was only a matter of time before he would do that as he was always the one talking about us getting married. I suppose I trusted him.
The penduluming has also confused me, I know he felt genuinely conflicted about breaking his family unit but I feel furious about how he went about with it and prolonged the pain and confusion for me. It feels like he was struggling and trying to wean himself off me. Even during our last conversation he implied he was going to extricate himself from his marriage and come find me, whilst also saying that he would not be able to live with himself if he didn’t give it one last shot because his wife was trying her best.
But you see, the thing is, that poor woman has no idea about me and the last two years.
In my moments of anger, I feel I ought to tell her so that she at least knows what she’s dealing with and bending over backwards for. I feel he’s gotten away scot-free after destroying my life and is enjoying being wooed back by his wife on top of it all. It feels massively unfair both to me and her and I feel certain he will repeat what he did to me with another woman.
In other words, I feel affronted and my sense of justice demands that he be punished in some way.
I’m aware that this is a very basic, primal feeling and I want to know if I should act on it. It just seems unfair that he’s able to saunter back into playing the role of a doting family man after deceiving both me and his wife.
The anger and hurt I feel have paralysed me and I’m struggling to get on with life. I’m 40, educated and attractive but I feel broken, my marriage to a narcissist had already harmed me and I feel cheated that the man I fell so in love with and thought was my redemption and the balm for my wounds chose to play with me and hurt me so profoundly. Did he ever love me at all? What did he gain from this? Why does a part of me still hope he’s going to come back? I know I can never trust him so should I tell the wife and get some closure?
Please respond from a kind place x

You got what you deserved.

You went into the relationship knowing he was married. It didn't work but now you wish to hurt another human being who has done nothing wrong.

You were happy to not tell her when it suited you.
Now it serves you to hurt her.

Sorry this is disgusting behaviour.

I have been thinking about this, and would like to reverse my advice.

Qualification to advise: I was the wife cheated on for 2 years, and watched bewildered as H told me he didn't want to be married any more, thought he was having a breakdown, was confused, didn't know what he wanted.

DO NOT TELL HER.

Why? Because IT IS OVER and he has chosen her. Therefore, give them the right to have a marriage, and for him to try and make it up to her.

I found out about OW and ExH wanted to stay married. But as @Mylifestartstoday shows, the pain of betrayal is so huge that it swamps everything.

I too had disturbed etc children. Affairs are a terrible thing.

So please don't tell, give them the chance to move on.

[but I absolutely wouldn't pass up the opportunity to mention you might tell the wife, just to shit him right up. I am a bitch that way.]

Aw what a shame. You cheated on your husband and now the new guy doesn't want you either.

Maybe you should have, I dunno, either worked on your marriage or left him before shagging someone else. Karmas a bitch, deal with it.

His wife should know though. But that doesn't mean he will suddenly want you. He will just say you're deranged and a liar.

@Mylifestartstoday

I'm so sorry about the awful time you've been through and thankful your children have a lovely mum putting them first

You should absolutely tell the wife. She's probably been through hell through all of this, and is probably still going through it. If she knows the truth then at least she can make a decision based on the facts.

After seven months of penduluming, during which he asked his wife for a trial separation, went back, we broke up, came back and asked me to go away on a weekend with him, assuring me that he had decided he wanted to be with me, left me again and went on an anniversary holiday with her (which completely devastated me), so on and so forth until finally the painful cycle ended a couple of weeks ago.

What on Earth makes you think his wife doesn't know? She may not know who you are, but it sounds bloody likely she knows another woman is involved.

I really don't think telling her is the right thing to do. You're doing it to hurt him, not to help her and I really don't think you'll be telling her something she doesn't already know.

I could be erong but it reads like you wouldn't have left if it would have meant that you'd be alone. Are you scared to be alone? Because I think that being alone for at least a few years would do you good. You need to have more trust in yourself and strengthen your personality or otherwise you will keep falling in love with men that are wrong for you.

And maybe some therapy for yourself so you don't go looking for what you miss in your life but start creating it yourself. A man should never be a solution, just an enhancement to your life.

You want to tell her in the hope she kicks him out and he comes crawling to you. But how would that feel? To always know you were only second best? Just leave it.

Whether or not you should eventually tell his wife I don't know, but you aren't really in a place to make that decision right now.

Bluntly, if your marriage was rubbish, this horrible bloke has done you a favour in the long run. I know you feel awful right now, but actually he gave you an exit route.

Actually, the person who is hurt with no gain at all and is stuck with this idiot is his poor wife. So she deserves for any information that comes her way to be for the exact right reasons. Doubt you can judge that right now, so I'd lick your wounds and get yourself into a better place,

@Mylifestartstoday you poor thing I know how you feel about only staying alive for the dc (I sometimes wonder if this impacts male vs female suicide rates).

I watched a brilliant video on you youtube by Teal Swan on suicide, I'd very highly recommend it. All the best.

@Katrinawaves
You sound very very bitter. I hope this only happened recently to you. Otherwise you need to seriously think about a very intensive course of therapy

Crikey, some bitter hard-faced posters on here.

Sorry to hear of your heartbreak OP. We all make mistakes.

Trying to understand them can bring you a lot of self knowledge and general understanding.

You were going to leave your ex anyway from the sounds of it. Try and make him more financially responsible, and move forward with your life.

You always have to reverse the situation in order to think about what to do.

What, OP, if you had decided to mend your marriage, thought it was more important for your dc to stick with your dh rather than break things up, had agonised over the decision, but in the end had chosen your dh. Would you welcome the Other Man sending your dh emails/letters/texts etc etc? What would you have told your dh? I'm sure you'd have reassured him that it was over and that the OM was out of your life.

And dignity, always dignity.

Furthermore, maybe your dh was that bad, but if we hear a man moaning about how awful his dw was and how the OW was only the catalyst we think, "Yeah, right, same old script".

She cried and said good luck and good bye. How is that not being dignified.
Here is a space to rant and say how you really feel.
Also if I was deciding to mend my marriage I wouldn’t keep seeing someone else. I would end it ASAP.

I could be erong but it reads like you wouldn't have left if it would have meant that you'd be alone

I thought that too from the posts. I’d also wonder if the OM was meant to finance the new life too.

Given there is a 7 year old child, the marriage must have been ok at that point surely or why else bring another child into it?

Don't tell her. Focus on yourself and your life. Leave it all behind and start being the kind of person that you want your children to be proud of. (and as someone says, you didn't think of the wife while you were fucking him did you?).

No good rarely comes of people who cheat on a partner with a married man. And I never understand why they are subsequently surprised when the man turns out to be a cheat and a liar? The man was cheating on his wife. Lying and betraying and probably fucking both of you. What did you expect?

You have to concentrate on moving forwards now. You are only 40. But really? Sleeping with a married man? Come on. You owe yourself to be better than that.

I know someone who had an affair with a married man. He wouldn't leave his wife either. Kept going back to her until the wife said no more. He then kept being unfaithful to the mistress with other women. She held on for years waiting for him. Once a cheat and a liar, always a cheat and a liar.

I think you need to look forward not back.

Respond from a kind place ? Is that the same place you were coming from when cheating on your husband and hurting another woman ?

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

WTAF
so all women who have children with abusers must be lying then? Because if you have a kid with someone it must surely be an ok marriage. And perfectly happy? Fucking check yourself.

Coming from someone who discovered that found out about my husbands cheating a while ago I am disgusted by you

At the beginning of your post you say you were egged on - FFS take some responsibility

You feel cheated on?!!!!!!! This is all your own doing. You are selfish and spineless

I don’t think you should be the one to tell her all. I think your just doing for your own personal selfish needs because you’re hoping in the event that she does decide to leave him you can swoop on and hopefully he will come to you.

Are you so desperate and have such low self esteem that you’re willing to have him because you’re second choice??

What makes you think that even if he came to you he will stay faithful to you?

Aroundtheword, the OP says she was unhappy and he wants absent for most of the last eight years. I can’t see a post where she mentions he was abusive.

@icecream
Yes you’re right. I thought I had read it. But perhaps it was another poster. Apologies

I think in these circumstances you should tell the wife. Reason for this is she might not be that happy and only tolerating her marriage and bobbing along, but if she new she might have a whole new life ahead of her?!

@Mylifestartstoday again in so sorry you're all dealing with this right now. I truly hope time can help heal and your user name becomes true