I left my marriage for him - he didn’t return the favour

[Ladywit]

Two years ago, I met a married man whilst I was also married. It had been a long and unhappy marriage for me and this man offered everything I had been longing and hoping to find in life before it was too late.
Although I was very cautious when I met him and didn’t sleep with him until a year after meeting, he broke down my defences completely. Meeting him put my already troubled marriage on a downward spiral and, egged on by this man in whom I found both a lover and a friend, I filed for divorce last year. He also claimed to be stuck in a very unhappy marriage, made promises and constantly referred to our future together. Although I told myself that he’s merely played the role of a catalyst, deep down I know I left the marriage to make a legitimate place for him in my life.
With the breakdown of the marriage came many challenges, most of all financial as my ex managed to transfer everything to offshore accounts and I have been struggling with single motherhood and a full time job. But I was still relieved to have taken this step and it seemed to me that I had found true love in the process.
However, when I pressed for him to take similar measures and make it possible for us to embark on the future HE had spoken about since the beginning, he didn’t seem to be able to follow through. After seven months of penduluming, during which he asked his wife for a trial separation, went back, we broke up, came back and asked me to go away on a weekend with him, assuring me that he had decided he wanted to be with me, left me again and went on an anniversary holiday with her (which completely devastated me), so on and so forth until finally the painful cycle ended a couple of weeks ago.
I’m weeping as I write this and hurting so deeply. I had to deal with all this uncertainty and emotional trauma while having to deal with the aftermath of the divorce and everything else. It has left me broken and questioning everything. I’m also feeling an immense amount of rage and wondering how it could be that I was hoodwinked by someone I considered the love of my life.
While it is true that we were both married when we met, I didn’t sleep with him until I had decided I was going to leave my marriage, and had taken steps towards it. Perhaps I should have demanded the same of him? I just was so certain it was only a matter of time before he would do that as he was always the one talking about us getting married. I suppose I trusted him.
The penduluming has also confused me, I know he felt genuinely conflicted about breaking his family unit but I feel furious about how he went about with it and prolonged the pain and confusion for me. It feels like he was struggling and trying to wean himself off me. Even during our last conversation he implied he was going to extricate himself from his marriage and come find me, whilst also saying that he would not be able to live with himself if he didn’t give it one last shot because his wife was trying her best.
But you see, the thing is, that poor woman has no idea about me and the last two years.
In my moments of anger, I feel I ought to tell her so that she at least knows what she’s dealing with and bending over backwards for. I feel he’s gotten away scot-free after destroying my life and is enjoying being wooed back by his wife on top of it all. It feels massively unfair both to me and her and I feel certain he will repeat what he did to me with another woman.
In other words, I feel affronted and my sense of justice demands that he be punished in some way.
I’m aware that this is a very basic, primal feeling and I want to know if I should act on it. It just seems unfair that he’s able to saunter back into playing the role of a doting family man after deceiving both me and his wife.
The anger and hurt I feel have paralysed me and I’m struggling to get on with life. I’m 40, educated and attractive but I feel broken, my marriage to a narcissist had already harmed me and I feel cheated that the man I fell so in love with and thought was my redemption and the balm for my wounds chose to play with me and hurt me so profoundly. Did he ever love me at all? What did he gain from this? Why does a part of me still hope he’s going to come back? I know I can never trust him so should I tell the wife and get some closure?
Please respond from a kind place x

I wouldn't tell his wife just stay out of it she needs to come to her own decisions in her own time and you don't need to be exposing yourself to further unpleasantness just focus on moving your own life forward in a more positive direction and leave other people to deal with their own messy situations in their own way it's not your place or your job to try to rescue an adult woman who for whatever reasons is choosing to stay married to this man despite the way he treats her

All this bandying around of "narcissist". I'm sure what people actually mean is "self-centred".

We don't know how awful OP's dh is. Frankly if dh left me for someone else I too would be hiding as much money as I could and I'm sure MN opinion would be the same. The OP's marriage was "unhappy" and so was the Other Man's. Ime all adulterers say their marriage was rocky. Maybe it was horrendous, but more likely it was just a bit humdrum and, naturally, without the passion of a new exciting illicit affair.

Don't tell the wife, at least not for the reasons you want to.

What has she done to you? Nothing. So why do you want to cause her an unimaginable amount of pain?
I have been the wife in a similar situation, but when the OW contacted me I was already aware of what had gone on, my H had told me. She told me because she was bitter that H had 'chosen' his wife over her. I didn't do anything wrong but I was made to be the one that suffered by knowing details I did not want to know.

You need to draw a line and move on. You said you were not happy before the affair- so why don't you concentrate on being happy yourself without the need for a man.

Irma I agree. The label of narcissist is thrown around far too casually these days.

When we I see ‘narcissist’ pal lies when taking about an ex, I always think it’s melodramatic language for either he was selfish or he just didn’t want to be with them anymore.

Should really learn to proof read 😂. I meant to say whenever I see ‘narcissist’ applied to an ex

@chainchainchain "Crikey, some bitter hard-faced posters on here. "

Yes, it is astonishing how when your entire life down to your address, tax bracket and children's safety not to mention your own devastation is blown up,

you really stop intellectualising about infidelity.

In national security it is called treason, in commerce it is called fraud. They used to shoot people for it and still jail for it now;

but women and children are supposed to suck it up because, feelings.

I hope it never happens to you. A pain so huge that suicide seems like a good option (as mentioned by @Mylifestartstoday???). She is not joking. All of us who have been intimately betrayed know that agony.

A man flirted with me yesterday. I was absolutely horrified and ran away. He looked hurt and confused - talk to the hand. 'Trust issues' doesn't begin to cover it.
If someone who stood up in front of church and community, who watched me give birth to our precious children could do this, I have no desire to find out what someone with less investment could do. I have NO sense of myself as an attractive, desirable woman. Please don't minimise the damage of this.

@ScreamingLadySutch. I’m not joking, I really do want to end it all. 20 years down the pan because of an affair. It’s the worst pain I’ve ever felt. My children are scared every time I leave the house, in case I don’t come back. If I didn’t have children I wouldn’t be here, it’s really that simple. Not that I’ve told them how I feel obviously, but they see first hand the devastation an affair has caused. I’m under no illusion that the OW will have moved on and won’t think about us and the destruction she has left behind. He didn’t even want her, she left her husband for mine and expected him to do the same. I hope she felt some of the pain I’ve felt when he didn’t.

Mylifestartstoday, so sorry to hear of your pain, I’ve been there and I know it feels like you’ll never get over it, but you will, just keep thinking about your wonderful children and they will help pull you through.

I feel he’s gotten away scot-free after destroying my life

No, you did that yourself by being a cheat and a home-wrecker.

Seems it’s another thread where OP does a runner because most of us are telling her a few home truths

To anyone who has ever been devastated by this sort of behaviour my heart goes out to you
I remember my father leaving us because of a cheap shag.
He left my beautiful kind intelligent mum that he saw at her most vulnerable, someone she believed She was planning a future and the rest of her life with and made sacrifices for.
It came back to haunt him. As it should.

Damage done by people that indulge themselves with scant regard for others leave lifelong scars. It is never to be underestimated.

ScreamingLadySutch I feel how you feel. A pain so huge it takes my breath away even 3 years later. The way you compare it to fraud and treason is spot on, and NO ONE knows unless they're been through it.

Everyone around me acts normal like the rug hasn't been pulled away from under me. I've got more sympathy for a fucking cold.

It's such a relief to know other people understand.

However, I can't condemn OP very much because she, like many of us, obviously has low self esteem and self awareness and probably felt desperate for love. We're each living lives of quiet desperation.

I suppose that's what happens when you go after another woman's man. Just because your marriage was unhappy, you didn't have to try and wreck someone else's. I'm not speaking from experience. I'm just speaking as someone who would only ever go for a man who wasn't attached. Hope you get over it soon and learn from it and hope the same doesn't happen to you when you find love again.

I understand how utterly let down and betrayed you must be feeling, but when all is said and done you've got what you deserve.
Have some self-respect and morals and stay away from married men.
Men like this are ten a penny.

Agree with Maivedidit .
He's a married man so scoop up some respect and back off . What did you expect ?

He's nothing worth having he's already shown you that. Find a man who is. If his wife wants to settle for his bs that's her business. Hold your head high , walk away, know that you are and can do better than this

for those who are in pain, whatever the circumstances....

@FritzDonovan

Yes really. I don’t think a sleaze would do what this man did just for sex. It would be too much work.

It’s really not that hard to get no strings sex. There would be no need for games if this is all he wanted

But you aren’t telling his DW to save her from misery, you’re doing it to make yourself feel better, and maybe in the hope that she will throw him out and he will come running to you. Just leave them to it. It’s something that they will need to work out between them. You’ve already contributed to drama in her life, so leave her be.

@Cocomobile
I'll agree to disagree then. Maybe he did, maybe he didn't. What I do know from a lot of personal experience and hearing firsthand from others in similar situations, is that a lot of ppl prefer this scenario to random hook ups for sex, esp married, who dont have to put any work into finding new ppl, and who know their affair partner has a vested interest in keeping it quiet too. Until they decide they are so in love they're going to leave their partner. And then it fails, because no matter what was said, it isnt actually love, it was lust, infatuation, self esteem boosting, any number of things. This guy will no doubt have got off on having someone else 'love' him and got carried away with that himself. Real love isnt just the good bits, it's getting through the bad bits and the boring bits too. Which he hasn't done with OP. That's why so many married cheats don't end up leaving their spouse. The affair isnt real living. It isn't love if he prefers to stay with the wife he happily cheated on.

I agree with Bluntness100. If you tell his wife, he will be furious with you and you’ll definitely lose him forever.
Find someone else (who isn’t attached this time!)
Good Luck x

@Mylifestartstoday same here. Tbh my lovely kids are all that keep me here too. Its jard to understand the sheer selfishness and disgusting morals of some ppl. I dont believe any woman here (or man, for that matter) would choose to get cheated on, so why inflict it on someone else?

I also find it hard to believe that many ppl here would prefer to remain in the dark if their partner had an affair, so why encourage OP to not tell the wife the truth? Seems more ppl are concerned about the welfare of a selfish person with dubious morals than that of an innocent victim in this situation. And that's just sad.

@FritzDonovan The ONLY reason the OP wants to tell the wife is to make herself feel better, not to warn the wife about the type of man she is married to.

I am the wife in this situation. Would I prefer not to know what my husband did? I am conflicted on this but I believe that yes, not knowing would be simpler. I would in a way have preferred my H to have not told me, to have made his decision that he wanted to be with me, without me knowing that there was ever that decision to be made. Instead, it was all on my shoulders. I was the one that was left devastated, the one that had to make the decision to try again or to walk away, don't understand estimate the pressure that alone can cause.
Now, instead of being blissfully unaware, each day is a torment while I try and deal with his deceit, while I try and decide if I can ever move on or whether the trust can ever be rebuilt. Every day is a torture and I would NEVER wish this on anyone. A year on and I still don't truly understand the OW's motives in contacting me. She was a vicious, sad and lonely woman who I think decided that if she couldn't have him, nobody would and she didn't care who she ripped apart in the process.

The last thing I’d do is tell his wife.

Get on with your own life and make it good.

The ONLY reason the OP wants to tell the wife is to make herself feel better, not to warn the wife about the type of man she is married to.

@bumbling2020 I get that. And I understand exactly how you feel, being in the same position myself. Yes, it would be very nice to be oblivious about H's affair, I have been devastated and am suffering all the associated trust issues and other things, which will never go away. Still, I prefer to know and try to move forward, than him get away with it and likely continue on deceiving me. Its very, very hard, and I totally understand how you feel. (I would wish it on the nasty piece of work who knowingly had the affair. Wouldnt be too eager to cheat if they knew how it felt. Would also possibly apologise instead of just ignoring all the trauma caused to my family.)

I get that OP might be motivated by trying to cause hurt, because thats the kind of person she has shown herself to be, it's hard to believe ppl out there are so nasty and spiteful. Still, I believe the wife deserves to know what she's married to. But i respect others might feel differently. Unfortunately, you dont know how you would feel until it happens.